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The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

"The Adventures of Hercules".. Released October 1, 1985, directed by Luigi Cozzi. Music by Pino Donaggio. Runtime 88 minutes. 

Utoob’s annoying policy of enforcing copyright laws and insisting on charging to view films that hardly anyone remembers is a major annoyance of mine. Many a scathing rage induced reviews and cinema autopsies are yet to be shared because of corporate greed. If you can still buy bootleg dvds out in public in broad daylight and ex-convicts and distorted personalities can dress up like your favorite cartoon & muppet characters, shaking people down in the street, fight cops, poo-poo on your childhood in smelly suits, then you should be able to watch your favorite retro movies on YouTube. 


3 of 3 of the lemon parade – 

“The Adventures of Hercules”.. Released October 1, 1985, directed by Luigi Cozzi. Music by Pino Donaggio. Runtime 88 minutes. 

Dear lord, the opening credits are the same as the Chris Reeves Superman movie. “This film is the sequel to the first?”…  This is a sequel and people actually watched the first one and this one.

The Greek god Zeus has lost his seven mighty thunderbolts. All seven were stolen by jealous Olympians.  The world is in disaster. The moon is knocked out of its orbit and is hurtling towards the earth. Urania and her sister Glaucia [not diseases] figure the only way to save the earth is by calling upon the mighty demigod Hercules to return the thunderbolts to Mount Olympus. Here is the catch – each of the thunderbolts is hidden inside of a monster, just like a video game.. 

However, the evil gods have an ace up their togas and his name is King Minos [not king midus]. King Minos with the help of Dedalos (Daedalus in the first film) use History Channel Ancient Alien type science to try and thwart our hero. 


Best / Worst Moments:

  • He kicks Bigfoots ass.
  • King Minos was resurrected in what looks like a beach cooler with cherry jell-o and kool-aid mix, water & dry ice.
  • Hercules saves the two chicks from a tribe of booger monsters. Fights a cave filled with glowstick people. Then fights a gorgon in a scene ripped from Clash of the Titans with horrible inner monologue informing you of what he is obviously doing in the scene.
  • He fights a #sjw “White Knight” to the death. And we all hate white knights don’t we?
  • Drag queen summons a, [ala Final Fantasy] VHS tracking static, scrambled cable feed, monster to kill one of these broads as a sacrifice. Our hero screams “I am ready for you”? Then Lou Ferigno is directed to just punch air and mime.
  • Hercules awkwardly chokes one of our beauties in a strange scene until she reverts to her true form of a coochie monster.
  • Main Villain in his rennaissance faire/saturday morning outifit confronts our champion and shouts,”Get rid of yourself'”, and seriously I wish I could have from this movie.
  • Athena gives Hercules a magic hubcap to do battle with evil science.
  • Animated space battle ; neon gorilla vs yellow dinosaur.
  • Tsunami’s, earthquakes, flooding, chaos, it’s either the moon effecting our environment or somebody turned on the HAARP system. 
  • What the Hell is going on?!! 


Whatever else that happens is beyond my comprehension of schlock. I stopped laughing after fifteen minutes; Seriously.

That’s this months retro movie folks. So keep flexing. Hold tight and upright. I’ll see you in June with warm tropical breezes. All those lovely things to look forward to after we wash our eyes of this lemon. Keep cool and keep your finger on the rewind button. 


A misanthropic fiction writer and pop culture killer, originally from NYC as well loiterer of the Philadelphia area. The author of a handful of spoken word albums. Member of the Jade Palace Guard; a collective of underground lo-fi artists. Creator and author of HAINESVILLE. Currently residing in Tucson, AZ.

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