In true DD fashion, the new songs eschew the gimmicks of cyberpunk-themed darksynth, aiming for pristine production value and tracks that build and maintain an exhilarating amount of momentum all throughout the EP. Daniel Deluxe makes the distinction between action and brutish violence, striking a tasteful middle ground that sets his songwriting apart from other darksynth composers.

Ghostrunner Project HEL by Daniel Deluxe

Daniel Deluxe’s Ghostrunner Project HEL soundtrack is out now on Bandcamp and Spotify

Throughout its 8 tracks, Apex takes you back to the glory days of Motorsports, when blood-pumping synth sounds and state of the art car engineering met to deliver wonder and excitement through your television sets. Whether it be with Out Run or any other classic racing games, no outrun listening experience would feel complete without a cartridge loaded up to a humming console.

If you’re feeling a little rusty from all that time spent away from the wheel, Speedworld is here to brief you back up to speed. Every song title on the album is described and defined in great detail to make sure you’re all set for the challenge.

So get on your marks, get set, press play and let the engine roars guide you to the finish line.

Favorite tracks : Rolling Start, G-Force, Push-to-Pass

Speedworld ‘Apex’ is out now via Bandcamp and Spotify 

In other words, this is the eleventh article wherein I will examine and interpret the bizarre illustrations used to sell video games in the 80s and 90s. Both Metallica and Harry Nilsson have screamed for you to jump in the fire, and now I’m screaming too.

Blaze Out

Data East/Konami, 1989

(early shovelware)

This is just egregious.

“You guys see that?” Rambo muttered bemusedly, staring into the distance. “Someone’s really about to buy this for their C64.”

Sgt. Elias was able to make eye contact for only a moment, clearly occupied with death throes that would never be explained beyond the narrative they’d been torn from in order to deposit his corpse here. The life faded from his eyes.

“THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS INADVISABLE,” said RoboCop, his voice’s metallic tone cutting clearly through the din of approaching horses. “THEY MUST BE UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT THIS IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN FRAGMENTED BULLSHIT THAT WILL TOTALLY DISAPPOINT THEM.”

Rambo sneered in numb disgust. “Get used to disappointment, RoboCop. Look where we are. Relegated to the bargain bin. Uncle Sam’s toy soldiers, forgotten and thrown away… at discount prices.”

Elias gurgled as he finally gave up the ghost. Strains of Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” mingled with notes of Goldsmith and Poledouris. The posse on horseback continued to clamor forward, never truly gaining ground. John Rambo was right. This would never resolve itself. It did not exist.

Solstice: Quest for the Staff of Demnos

Acclaim, 1990

Here we have game art that ticks off two check boxes: First, unforgivable false hype (Solstice is a goddamn puzzle game). Second, art that is so representative of what its year of origin was about that it could be used as an example for academic purposes. This is so 1990 that I can smell the PVC and hairspray.

“BODY GLOVE SPONSORED ME! I EVEN BROUGHT MY BONG, SEE? COME ON, THE REST OF THIS SHIT IS DRY CLEAN ONLY! HOW DARE YOU CLAIM THAT I AM NOT TUBULAR ENOUGH TO ENTER THE FORTRESS OF GNARLINESS?” Neon Gandalf needs to chill out. All that Deca-Durabolin has really started to give him some un-radical roid rage, despite how ripped he is for a wizard. Imagine wearing a full purple cloak but not a shirt. He doesn’t have to imagine it. He’s living it, pal.

Neon Gandalf would actually be a pretty badass name for a stoner metal/80s New Wave revival mashup act that would doubtless fail to live up to my expectations.

immediately opens eBay in a new tab and searches “vintage keytar” and “wizard cape”

Adventure Island II

Now Production/Hudson Soft, 1991

I picked this one based entirely on the premise that a rhinoceros has T-Rex teeth on it. Master Higgins looks so scared! He’s so fucked up over it that he can’t even stay in one lane on his pterodactyl. Which by the way, seems to be the only creature not busy leering hatefully at either Higgins or the person viewing the image. At least this is fairly accurate to the content; this series of games is pretty unforgiving (but fun).

There’s all that photoshopped art on the internet with horses that have carnivore teeth. Why not a rhino? And yeah, give him Satan eyes, too. I not only can live with that, I endorse it.

Another BurgerTime Cover

Interceptor Software/Data East, 1982

Peter Pepper doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He’s been doing this for so long now that he’s just on auto pilot. The milkshake is a new thing; he knows it pisses them off, and he’s glad. This isn’t what he wanted his life to be like. He imagined his life as a restaurateur would be a very different thing by now, and he’s deeply resentful of this situation – no, this nightmare, but he’s just so jaded now that he’s consuming his own inventory and daring fate to consume him in turn.

Maybe it already has. From the look in his eyes, BurgerTime has eaten him, and he knows it. He just doesn’t feel the teeth yet. Perhaps the worst part is that he never will.

Damn good milkshake though.

Monster in my Pocket

Konami, 1992

If you needed one more reason not to wear blue jeans, here it is. Not only is it a questionable fashion choice for most men and very prone to fading, denim comes with the inherent risk that tiny skeletons, goblins, and werewolves could erupt from your ass violently and without warning. They don’t even look happy to be free. Look at that goblin’s face. You think he likes being trapped in your ass? You think he’s into that?

Skeleton Dude was into it, but we all know Skeleton Dude is into pretty much whatever. That guy doesn’t just live on the wild side, he is the wild side. It’s easy to cut loose when you have no skin.

I hope this latest misadventure into the box art vaults has left you more amused than injured… though I claim no liability for the latter, dear readers. Stay Retro!

We play video games. Don’t bug us about it.

As per the yearly protocol, our fearless leader has given us our marching orders and asked us to furnish our usual top-ten lists. I have done my best to compile for you a list of the best retro-themed games from this year. There weren’t a metric ton of titles released in that vein in 2020, but it was certainly quality over quantity. This spread was gathered from Steam, the Epic store, consoles, etc. in as broad a swathe as possible. If the graphics, play style, or just the feel qualified as retro, it went in the pile to be sorted. If you feel I’ve misplaced a game in the order, feel free to email me and bury a battle-axe in my buttocks, but it was hard to put the ten titles that survived the cut into an hierarchy, because any one of them could have been numero uno on this list. All ten are worth playing if you haven’t. Here goes!

Special thanks to Shini, Eric, and my other friends who helped me gather data on short notice out of the goodness of their hearts. I haven’t been on top of industry news (or my NRW email) this year because of everything else that’s been going on, so it was a blessing to be able to call on you for help. You answered it, and I am deeply thankful.

#10 Star Renegades

Developer: Massive Damage

This one is only so low on the list because its play style may not be for everyone, but it’s an amazing game and should not be overlooked. SR blends real-time strategy, traditional RPG, and roguelike elements into a cutting-edge yet retro-as-hell cocktail. The game is so pretty, and I also enjoy the mechanics for combat. While there is a storyline, many elements are procedurally generated as in a roguelike, so the replay value is insane. The only thing keeping this title from more mainstream popularity is its relative involvement level and complexity, as well as considerable difficulty. You could play it casually, but it’s “not for casuals.”

#9 Ultrakill

Developer: Arsi Patala

This game does two things right for a retro-FPS title. First off, it pays homage to its ancestors left and right without just being a clone or copy. Second, it completely kicks ass. Ultrakill is violent, colorful, action-packed, and just complex enough to provide some variance to the one thing you showed up for: VIOLENCE. The visual style, at its core, reminds me immediately of Quake II, and there isn’t a thing wrong with that because it travels in its own unique direction. Combine this with creative gameplay elements (you bathe in your enemies’ blood to regain health!) and a veritable crucible of clever FPS challenges throughout, and you have something the younguns and the greybeards like me can all appreciate. Ultrakill is a love letter to its own lineage, and it’s the most heartfelt, blood-soaked love letter one could hope for.

#8 Rogue Legacy 2

Developer: Cellar Door Games

The sequel to an already-amazing game, RL2 improves upon what its predecessor did and further blends the hardcore nature of the roguelike with dynamic gameplay to appeal to a wider audience of gamers. It has a cute look to it, a good balance of complexity and simplicity in its RPG-esque elements, enough randomization to spice things up, and an engaging platform-style base mechanic that is approachable without being too easy. You can tell a lot of love went into RL2, and it’s not just standing on its prequel’s head to look taller… it’s a wonderful game and it’s worth looking at in its own right. I especially enjoy how the sense of pervasive danger combines with the cartoonish art.

#7 Röki

Developer: Polygon Treehouse

Röki puts a strong focus on adventure, exploration, and puzzle-solving… but it is also such a fucking pretty game to look at. There is also a strong emphasis on story, which is conveyed through lovingly-animated and delightfully well-written cinematic sequences. Impatient gamers may think it moves too slowly, but Röki’s distantly related to those LucasArts story-games that so many of us adore. I risk sounding pretentious by saying this is a game for people who enjoy a little thinking. Beyond that, it has a distinct style and a very meaningful story to tell. If you’re looking for a change from the more prevalent smash-cut style of adventure game, Röki is essential for you.

#6 Streets of Rage 4

Developers: DotEmu, Lizard Cube, Guard Crush

We all remember the classic series of beat em up games Sega released for the Genesis. Colorful, exciting, and full of brawling action. This fourth installment is an appreciative and respectful revival of everything you loved about the original SoR series. The graphics are far more comic book than video game, but they are lovely and the animation is just as splendid. Blaze and Axel return along with some new friends to once again take the fight to the garishly-garbed punkers and miscreants wandering the city. Tiny elements of other classic fist-and-foot 90s gold finds its way in (for instance, you can get points for beating the shit out of a junked car, a shout to SFII’s bonus rounds). While SoR4 isn’t a truly new idea, it’s a very valuable and enjoyable re-imagining of a franchise we all hoped would eventually show itself again. It has not failed to impress.

#5 Huntdown

Developer: Easy Trigger Games

This brutal indie action game will have you believing you’re playing it on a Sega Genesis. Gritty yet popping with color and flash, Huntdown places you in a dark near-future chock full of neon and blood. The pixel-based art is exquisite and the gameplay is like if NARC or the RoboCop video games were actually fun to play. I must comment on one striking element: the amazing voicework and sound effects seem to converge with the game’s lower-tech visual feel instead of clashing with it. Throw in a simple but very entertaining storyline along with well-placed cinematic storytelling transitions, and you have a game that will appeal to any diehard fan of run-and-gun scrollers.

#4 Spelunky 2

Developers: Mossmouth, Blitworks

The sequel to an equally wonderful platform adventure game, Spelunky 2 hands the story over to the next generation of explorers as they explore the Moon’s interior on the hunt for their lost kin. There is a ton of variety, and not just because of procedural generation. You’ll find yourself consistently intrigued and challenged by new and weird environments, as well as tested by various threats along the way. I also like any game that features non-annoying tutorials, and I must say that Spelunky 2’s is just what it should be. Plus you get pets! I’m all about that.

#3 Carrion

Developer: Phobia Game Studio

This shit is my jam. Reverse-horror is a genre I could stand to see more of, no matter how much we already have of it. Carrion knocks it out of the park. Immense detail and a slew of wise design choices make this game difficult not to enjoy. It’s even fun to watch, because it’s almost framed like a horror/sci fi film. There is no escaping Carrion’s atmosphere, and crawling around eating terrified humans as a sentient bio-waste monster never really gets stale. This one’s another example where the sound is higher-fidelity than the pixel graphics, again to excellent effect. So little needs explanation, despite the concept being an unusual one in so many ways. Carrion is wrapped in a neat, blood-stained package for you to pick up and discover your inner monster.

#2 Death and Taxes

Developers: Placeholder Gameworks, Pineapple Works

An incredible, unique story in the form of a game, Death and Taxes features an incredible narrative told with an irreverent but gentle sense of humor. In this puzzle/simulation title, you are Death, the Grim Reaper. As it turns out, your job is more of an office grind than a constant scythe-toting hunt for souls, and the lives and deaths you govern form your paperwork. In Death and Taxes, your decisions directly affect the rest of the story in such a complex fashion that the game has at least 30 possible endings. Its image-by-image style speaks to the oldschool story games that were popular on the PC-98 and Sharp x68000 computers in the 1990s. What’s different is the amazing artwork style and the fluidity created by the nuanced story design. Along with Röki, This is one for the thinkers… but it’s also lovely if you just like games that bother to tell a story.

#1 Spiritfarer

Developer: Thunder Lotus Games

“Spiritfarer is a cozy management game about death.”

Not my words. That is how the developer describes this fucking unspeakable work of high art. And they’re not being cute or edgy. In Spiritfarer, you play the skipper of a ferry that takes the souls of the dead to the hereafter. The art and visuals for this game are matched by its lovely dialogue and engaging management-based activities. You feel very much like you’re part of the meaningful story being told, and yet the game’s focus is mostly on its themes and message, not you. You’re a cast member, not necessarily the star, and you won’t mind at all because Spiritfarer isn’t just a game. It’s high art. Play this and get lost in it.

—

2020 has been a son of a bitch. Here’s hoping 2021 is brighter and better. I am proud of all of us for making it through, and I sincerely hope all of you NRW readers have a delightful holiday season full of love and merriment.

Oh, and stay retro!

Werewolf: The Last Warrior

Data East, 1990

So let me start off with one for the NES, since I just said that.

Data East made a game about a werewolf with swords for hands and released it in North America several months before releasing it at home in Japan. I like to imagine that the conversation leading up to this decision involved the statement, “the Americans will eat this shit up.” That’s what I’d say. And I’m American. We love our nacho hot dogs and our spicy-ranch burger nuggets, and we love our idea mashups too. We’re basically a nation of five-year-olds. I’m lumping myself in too, don’t worry. I am thirty-seven years old and still struggle with the idea that I’m not supposed to eat cake as a meal. I’m not looking down my nose at anyone here. Especially since the idea of a werewolf with swords for hands is pretty fucking cool.

I, a proud American, am in fact eating this shit up.

There is a plot, but you can throw it in the trash along with the cellophane the box came wrapped in. Something about an evil doctor who takes over the world with mutants and how the world’s last hope is some werewolf with swords for hands. You have an ANGER METER that you fill with bubbles to get stronger/jump higher, and you pick up W’s to transition from man to beast and back. Being a man sucks. Be the beast. The beast that can still totally handle ladders with his sword hands and whose hourglass figure is the envy of all the ladies about town.

Pictured: them hips and them knife-hands totally working it… into a sewer.

I have no real complaints about Werewolf: The Last Warrior, nor does it really distinguish itself too strongly in terms of presentation. It has some pretty cool cinematic bumps in between levels, but after a little while it gets irritating to start a level and have a cut scene immediately interrupt it after you take like three fucking steps. I enjoy the separate mechanics of being a werewolf and being really fucking mad. Our hero can be absolutely furious AND/OR be a ravenous wolf-man, and I think it’s important to teach young people that being as pissed off as possible gives you superhuman power independent of any separate moon-shifting curse you may have. It’s part of the human condition. The music and sound are adequate, and most importantly, the fun factor is there. I got tired of WTLW less quickly than I expected. 7 out of 10 for a novel (if silly) concept done decently.

Cross Fire

Sanritsu Denki/Kyugo, 1990

Imagine if Contra kind of sucked. That’s Cross Fire.

I’m sticking with “kind of sucked” because this game is playable. It’s just not as awesome as Contra and made me want to play Contra again instead. It makes me imagine an executive showing Contra to some desperate and underpaid developers and suggesting they also make Contra. Compared to the werewolf with sword hands idea, this is fucking shameful. So, to risk sounding repetitive here: it’s Contra with a life bar, and instead of defeating an alien menace intent on ruling the world, you’re just some soldier asshole who “fights evil” (looks for trouble) worldwide. But be ready to basically play a slower Contra with shittier everything.

This is to art what a hammer is to a delicate porcelain plate.

I won’t call the graphics terrible, but I could. What I will call them, out loud and with a sneer on my face, is lazy. This is low-effort shit for 1990, and I’m including placement in that assessment, not just quality. Your audio experience will not be much better. Fuck it, it won’t be any better at all. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. I will give Cross Fire one positive appraisal: it isn’t totally unplayable if you can deal with:

1) looking at it

2) hearing it

3) feeling vaguely insulted by it

It doesn’t totally suck. It just mostly sucks, and only because it was allowed to. 4 out of 10 out of sheer contempt for Cross Fire.

Atomic Runner Chelnov

Data East, 1988

In real life, the only powers that radiation will give you are the superhuman power to always be sick and the special ability to eventually die of radiation. Chelnov is another classic example of the trope we’ve never truly let die: a man who became a superhero instead of a charred corpse or a short-term hospice patient due to nuclear radiation. He’s an Atomic Runner now, and he’s running for his goddamned life from the KGB or some other “secret organization” that wants his powers for evil. Slings and arrows, man. Every fucking time.

I don’t feel like it’s entirely outlandish that this makes me uncomfortable on some small level.

I know this is a forced-scrolling game, but it’s still very much a platformer; it’s like playing those “athletic” self-scrolling Mario levels in sequence while Data East throws some giant zombie arms and metal-helmeted fire dinosaurs in there for good measure. The scrolling only stops when it’s boss time. There are a variety of weapons and power ups (six counts as variety, shut up) to find, and you’ll want them. Part of what’s so fun about this game is just looking at it; both the arcade and Mega Drive versions are gorgeous for their time, especially some of the background art like the weird person-tree jungle and the Aztec-esque temple area. Chelnov also offers fantastic gameplay, combining a little bit of constant pressure (the nonstop movement) with a ton of action (everything is intent on murdering you, as usual).

My only complaint about it is possible burnout; I’m glad I took a shot at it on emulator so I could save my game state, just so I had a few minutes to look away now and again. I cannot imagine playing this shit in the arcade. Not only do I hate being watched by strangers, I also sweat at the most inopportune times and I’m sure I’d look like a Butterball turkey in a convection oven while playing this. 8 out of 10.

The Incredible Hulk

Probe, 1994

“At least it’s not any Spider-Man game.”

I am so tired of superhero-themed shit, especially the Marvel Cinematic Universe we’ve had force-marketed to us as a combo of sociopolitical “message” and barely-written entertainment. Feel free to email me if you would like to defend milady Marvel Comics at court. I have always liked the Hulk, though. The Hulk gets shit done in perhaps the most honest and cathartic way of any of Marvel’s woke-soap-opera characters: by absolutely losing his shit and stomping the bad guys a new asshole.

Pictured: Hulk tearing Abomination a new, improved, second asshole.

This is one of the few playable early-console-era games licensed by Marvel. I’ve talked about LJN and their sins against us ever since I started writing for NRW, and I will let God smash the gavel on that shit. This game is decent, despite being published by the eternal shit-puddle U.S. Gold. Probe kept this game simple without making it too vanilla. When you give me a controller and the Hulk is on the other end of it, I expect to be tearing shit up worse than Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel on a bender.

You don’t really get that here, but what you do get is a game where the Hulk isn’t a hapless clumsy asshole like every digital version of Spider-Man you saw during this era (except Maximum Carnage, that was fairly good). They can’t have you tearing down buildings all over the place or taking antitank rounds to the chest while laughing, but the Hulk still feels pretty Hulky. You get a decent set of special moves to beat up the Leader’s robots with, including bear hugs, head butts, and a very MK-esque uppercut. It is also decently difficult to harm the Hulk, despite his invulnerability being watered down for a video game. Things don’t get too challenging until they get weird later on in places like space. That’s where shit should start getting challenging for anyone.

Everything looks great, very much arcade-quality without diverging too far from the comics feel of the source material. The Hulk’s walk is kind of goofy, this weird arrogant stomp-march, but I guess he can walk however he wants. He’s the Hulk. Non-shitty digitized sounds are accompanied by an OST that sounds vaguely like the one for Sonic Spinball here and there (which is far from a negative thing). 8 out of 10.

Jewel Master

Sega, 1991

This game is totally my kind of shit. Deep-ass fantasy lore intro (here is a link), elemental magic, a demon lord… shit, what else do you want?

You punch fireballs out of your hands and collect elemental rings to combine for use in your mystical ass-kicking of evil. If you ever played Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, it’s a bit like the DSS Card System, but way less frustrating and slow to build. Another neat angle is how certain types of monsters may be more or less vulnerable to certain elemental attacks; it’s a small but welcome element of basic strategy that adds a bit of additional satisfaction to giving the demon king’s minions an ass whooping.

This dragon doesn’t stand a chance against me in the dance-off.

Like too few of its run-and-shoot platformer buddies, Jewel Master allows the player to aim and shoot upward, instead of just having things come at you from overhead and fuck you up while you sort of waggle your arms forward like John McCain and look foolish. I will never stop dunking on two things in this world: politicians and Mega Man.

It’s a Genesis game developed by Sega, so Jewel Master is pretty damn good all across the board. Its audiovisual artisanship is on par with arcade games of the era, as one would expect from the console itself, let alone games made by the console’s developer. The composer was apparently really into prog-rock, and it sort of shows in the soundtrack, which is probably my favorite part of Jewel Master by a nose. 8 out of 10.

That finishes out May, RetroFans. See you in June! Stay Retro!

Well, I’ve got five more classic video game enemies to showcase in today’s article. I’ve got more goons. More thugs. More troublesome cronies. Let’s get to it!

ROLLER

Sonic The Hedgehog, 1991

Roller is another one who’s just a dyed-in-the-wool total asshole. I’m not sure why his name is Roller and not something more sinister; he does roll, but “Roller” in my mind implies some sort of smoothness of motion. Roller’s presence in Sonic the Hedgehog is about as smooth as suffering a debilitating stroke or suddenly finding the corpse of a jogger on a greenway.

You first run into this unconscionable ball-breaker in the Spring Yard Zone, an environment that is a chore in and of itself. Roller comes zooming out of left field at bullet-speed, just as you being to relax and think… and only meticulous memorization of his favorite spots, coupled with lightning reflexes, will save you. So in my case, the little blue hedgehog is proper fucked.

Perhaps the eeriest thing about Roller is how, when in motion, he almost sort of looks like Sonic. Maybe it’s some form of foreshadowing since Sonic does eventually fight a robot version of himself (I forget if it’s in 1 or 2, go easy on me, I’m sleep deprived), or maybe it’s just a little nuance meant to psych you out. Well, I’m easy to psych out. I do it to myself daily. I’m lucky if I can even take a leak without panicking.

PHANTO

Mario 2/Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic, 1987

Everyone knows about this one, but here it is anyway. This nightmarish, ephemeral motherfucker absolutely HATES people messing with his keys. Actually, any keys. To whom the key belongs is no concern. Just don’t touch it. Don’t even fucking look at it. Phanto’s had it. He will eat your little pink guts out, Mario. He will swallow Toad whole and trip balls on his viscera. Even the Princess isn’t exempt; float all you want, bitch, he’ll find you.

I actually no-joke enjoy the challenge Phanto adds to the game. There ought to be at least a couple non-boss baddies in any game that make your gut clench and your pulse quicken. Phanto delivers. He scares the shit out of me. I will actually utter a thin cry of alarm when I seem him start to move. I’m hardly conscious of it. I’m far more conscious of Phanto. He looks like he knows how scary he is, and he gets off on it. Phanto’s worse the more you consider him as a thinking creature. Let’s stop. Eugh.

LIKE-LIKE

Legend of Zelda, 1987

Like-Likes not only have one of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard for a monster in a video game, but they also serve an incredibly specific purpose that doubles their absurdity factor. Neither their name nor their diet of large shields, however, make Like-Likes any less of a concern when you run into them. A Like-Like is essentially a super low-gauge Fleshlight given motive intelligence and an appetite.

I fucking hated saying that as much as you probably hated hearing it, folks… but I’ll never lie to you, even if it means force-feeding you absolutely godless ideas like this.

I won’t even post pics of what this thing looks like in later, more graphics-rich installments of the Zelda franchise. Words like “peristalsis” come to mind. It’s like a Lovecraftian Pokemon. Not as awesome as it may sound. Not by far.

Aside from the utter grossness of it, the Like-Like’s a day-ruiner because it will take your large shield away. The large shield is an essential item later in the game that costs a decent chunk of change to buy or replace, not to mention you’ll need to trek all the way out of the dungeon you’re in and back to a shop just to get another shield. They’re not so much lethal as they are a huge pain in the ass if you’re not careful.

THE SPACE INVADERS

Battletoads, 1991

The developers of Battletoads sat down and decided they were going to make a game of legendary difficulty. They did an absolutely fantastic job of it, that’s inarguable. Battletoads beats the living shit out of me without fail, even with cheats and two players and extensive foreknowledge of what awaits me.

What they didn’t need to do: dig up a 1978 arcade game and employ its tiny pixelated aliens to humiliate and insult me in my darkest hour.

These dicks just glide up and pluck the blocks from your life bar as if it were nothing. Then they fly away with it. It’s just gone. No injury, no battle. You can catch them, but they are often a bit too graceful. Not to mention they often show up while other things are going on. Your attention is divided and your life runs through your fingers like water.

I don’t know if it’s unfair or not, but it sure is demoralizing when some little beep-boop Atari motherfuckers snatch the vitality from your veins with the same workmanlike calmness as someone installing a refrigerator in your home.

LET’S TALK ABOUT ABOBO AND THE FUCKING HAIR

Double Dragon and Double Dragon 2, 1987-88

Let’s lighten things up a bit to close this out. We don’t need to get into the details of Abobo; we all know who he is. He’s even a meme. Hell, what isn’t a meme at this point? Anyway, when we first see the brute in Double Dragon, he’s got a head smooth as a cue-ball. This had me thinking, “okay, this guy’s balding, or he’s got something going on, but he’s making this work for him. I can relate.”

Then in the second game, he’s going for the Danny Trejo look. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but Bobe, buddy… it’s a little bold. You look like a roadie for Santana got hooked on HGH.

Eh, who am I to tell you how to live, Abobo? At least you’re not gre….

Oh god damn it Abobo.

Thanks for tuning in again, folks. One more at the end of the month. Stay Retro!

#10

D1896

(Arkhouse Telegraph, released 11/15/19)

This is, at its most basic level of comparison, a high-quality Castlevania clone. It has only recently come out, and has yet to receive a flood of attention on Steam, but I felt it bore mention due to the buzz it has created on YouTube among fans of this type of platformer. D1896 isn’t just a game. It’s art, it’s inspired by art, and it’s gorgeous. D1896 claims to be directly inspired by Georges Méliès’s early silent film Le Manoir du diable (House of the Devil), considered by many to be the first horror film despite its comedic overtones. (It’s 3 minutes long, get some culture, here.) The game is a rich yet minimalistic platformer with most of the bells and whistles of the expected matroidvania stripped away; D1896 is simple, challenging (fucking HARD, actually), and eerily engrossing. Everything is represented in ephemeral black and white, yet there is no lack of detail or texture to the game elements. Couple this with a masterfully claustrophobic piano (and piano only) soundtrack, and you’ve got a game so enchanting and macabre that it will hold you spellbound. It is, as I said, incredibly difficult, however. You’ll die a lot and the bosses are exercises in the developers’ sadism.

#9

Demon’s Tilt

(FLARB LLC, released 12/13/19)

There’s a true spiritual successor to Naxat’s classic series of virtual pinball games. It’s every bit as gnarly, gruesome, and action-packed as its forebears, and features a driving bit-crushed musical soundtrack along with some killer sound and sleek visuals. Still in early release, This game looks more than capable of living up to its legacy. It maintains the occult vibes of Devil’s Crush, but has its own dash of flash in the form of its neon-and-darkness motif and old-meets-new aesthetic. Plus it’s a ball to play. Yes, I made a terrible pun on purpose. Flay me alive, please.

#8

River City Girls

(WayForward/Arc System Works, released 9/5/19)

This is exactly what it fucking sounds like, and it’s awesome. This beat em up is a spin off of the Kunio-kun franchise, which gave us River City Ransom, one of classic gaming’s most memorable and engaging punch-and-kick titles. This time, it’s the ladies stepping up to the plate to save their hapless boyfriends from mysterious kidnappers. The story plays out alongside the action in an elegant waltz punctuated by the impacts of fists on faces, as Misako and Kyoko beat the shit out of whoever crosses them while exploring River City for their beaus and the kidnappers who unknowingly signed their own death warrants. The art style and soundtrack are a new take on the original theme, and they both play a role in making this game a knockout. River City Girls is every bit the solid beat em up River City Ransom was, with a dash of the modern for flavor. And girl power!

#7

Katana Zero

(Askiisoft, released 4/18/19)

Katana Zero is dripping with neon-noir style, an action-adventure game that immerses and amazes. You play as a sword-wielding assassin whose psychiatrist gives him drugs that allow him to do bullet-time and see the future. The game has a rich story worth paying attention to, a narrative that gradually unravels a mystery within the absurd yet dire game world. Work began on it in 2016, but it has officially been released this year to very favorable criticism. This game is beautiful, uncompromising, and fun just to watch, let alone play.

#6

Amid Evil

(Indefatigable, released 6/20/19)

A dark fantasy FPS built using the Unreal engine, Amid Evil is another game that took the baton and ran with it in 2019. An homage to classic FPS like Heretic and Hexen, gameplay is nonlinear and requires you to both explore and kick ass. You play as an anonymous “Champion” called upon to cleanse the lands by defeating a mysterious “Evil Force.” What the game lacks in storytelling depth it more than makes up for in terms of gameplay. In both the regular game and Survival Mode, you must face off against a variety of terrible otherworldly creatures and wield an array of strange weapons. Level design is high-caliber and the nonlinear gameplay adds layered challenges to your quest. Amid Evil is worth taking a harder look at if you haven’t already.

#5

Cadence of Hyrule

(Nintendo, released 6/13/19)

If you ever wanted to play one of the iconic early Zelda games like Link to the Past, but wanted to put a whole bucket of spit and polish on it, this Switch title is for you. Cadence of Hyrule gracefully blends old and new ideas, making it a 2D action RPG that will entertain modern and classic fans alike. Devious puzzles, A delightful soundtrack true to the series’ spirit, and an eclectic mix of old and new elements all mean that Switch gamers are missing out if they’re missing this title.

#4

Gato Roboto

(Doinksoft, released 5/30/19)

Another monochrome pixel game whose true colors are its design and its fun factor, Gato Roboto is essentially a super-polished Metroid-style game in which you play a cat. Your owner’s starship crashes, and he sends you, a cat, to investigate the distress signal that initiated the original journey. Thankfully, you get a robo-suit with a gun arm. You can (and need to) enter and exit the suit at various times, find other “vehicles” in certain parts of the game, and unlock power ups while exploring the strange world you’ve landed on. While this is very strictly a Metroid clone, it’s a really fucking good one, and it’s both cute and challenging. Fans of Metroid and similar titles must check this one out.

#3 Hypnospace Outlaw

(Tendershoot, released 3/12/19)

This game is a very self-aware and irreverent parody of the 90s’era incarnation of the World Wide Web. You play as an enforcer of rules and propriety for the users of an online service called Hypnospace, solving puzzles and mysteries as you traverse this giggling love note to the early Internet. The focus is more on story, theme, and adventure than action; Hypnospace Outlaw is another title that is as much an artistic statement as it is a game. The visuals and atmosphere are painfully authentic, rendering the 1999 of another reality in vibrant colors. Hypnospace Outlaw is very strange, but it’s the kind of strange you need in your life.

#2

Nova Drift

(Pixeljam, released 3/27/19)

Nova Drift is an arcade-style shoot em up and an action RPG combined into a future classic. Your ship is eternally customizable, and the open world is so extensive that hours at a time can be lost just exploring. There is an amazing depth of variety in every element of Nova Drift, and you will not get bored. Ever. Vividly colored game objects are stylishly rendered, accompanied by sharp audio elements in a truly gorgeous end product that will provide a universe of adventure.

#1

Reventure

(Pixelatto, released 6/4/19)

Its tagline tells you the most impressive thing about it: 100 different endings. The simple plot has you as an adventurer on a quest to find a magic sword and rescue a princess from a dark lord. Reventure offers players 100 different ways to finish the game and its story, ranging from the simple and comical to the complex and theatrical. Lots of nods to previous action/RPG games can be easily seen, and the blend of action and puzzle is extremely well-balanced. One interesting twist is that, to reach certain endings, the character must be careful what items he picks up, since each item makes his jumping height lower due to encumbrance. Therefore, which item sets reach which endings is a puzzle in and of itself. Action is present in adequate amounts, but Reventure is all about problem solving. It’s lovingly pixelated and incredibly detailed, with a sense of humor to boot. It has caught fire on Steam, and it’s worth getting if you like video games at all. Just play it.

Well, that’s good enough for government work, folks. Happy Holidays, Auld Lang Syne, and Stay Retro!

Without more of my bla-bla-bla, let’s have a look.

MANDRAGORE

Infogrames, 1986

Finally, Burning Man got interesting. This guy is so hopped-up on GHB and star magic that he’s stripped down to his loincloth and decided to fight the pesky lightning-spirits infesting the communal mud pit. Keep the boots, he thought to himself, they look good. The rainbow armadillo represents not only Infogrames, but this man’s lesser self, the shell he hides within, his weakness, leaving him. His id is crushed into annihilation as he becomes a superego-driven archon of love and light. “Fuck your bad vibes, man!” He carries the torch as a symbol of hope in a dark world, the sword as a necessary evil. All of the festival’s other earthly delights fade from his mind. It is just him, the lightning balls, and his sick LARP outfit.

As he is carried out of the swell of nude bodies and pot smoke on an EMS stretcher, his brain receding from the chemical-induced fever dream, his brain thrusts him back into the causal realm. This moment can never be recaptured, and he will long for it until his eventual death from an overdose of designer shit they only tested on dogs. He will rejoin the aether and God will tell him he’s just a big dingus.

CHUCKIE EGG II

A&F Software, 1985

Here we find another hell-world, and its prisoner is poor Chuckie. Not only was he born ugly as hell, he also has to survive in a non-Euclidean landscape where horribly human-faced spiders are never far behind him. Look at that thing’s face. Someone drew that just to be mean to your hind-brain. “Jon B” didn’t even want to put his whole name on this shit. He knew the weight of this and hurried to crawl out from under it.

How does Chuck’s hat stay on his head? Like, just examine that one aspect for a second. If your head had that kind of… slope to it, you’d need to wear a strap to keep a hat on. But wait, my dude doesn’t even have a chin.

Chuckie drew a bad number in the queue of Samsara. He must have been one ill bastard in a previous incarnation. Plus that ladder is going to do a number on his balls (or whatever weird genitals he has that we can’t see) in about half a second. Poor son of a bitch.

CAULDRON II: THE PUMPKIN STRIKES BACK

Palace/RamJam, 1986

Man, the Joker has really let himself go. He’s let his hair grow all willy-nilly, just a thick barely-tamed mane of green atop his head. Keeping up with makeup isn’t something he worries about now. That was for Batman. Their working relationship has soured, so he focuses on what’s important now: bathrobes, pumpkins, and his “realistic” modeling career. He does not focus on hygiene. At all. You can smell him from five feet away – that gym-sock smell, blended with the stench of earwax and sweat.

Jesting aside, this is pretty well-done box art. They kept it simple and highlighted one significant aspect of the game being sold. I’d compare this to the medium-high quality paintings you’d see on the cover of late-era AD&D book covers. Coming from me, that’s a compliment.

Still though, that face sits in front of a diseased brain considering some really twisted shit. Like how to put bat wings on cobras or which music goes best with juicing a man alive in a laundry press.

AGONY

Art & Magic, 1992

This looks like the kind of game no one in their right mind would fuck with. I’m definitely not ever in my right mind, so I did have a look at the actual game. It’s actually gorgeously done and typical of Amiga’s high graphical standards. This cover art, though… this belongs on an 80s speed metal album. The object portrayed is clearly a structure and not just decoration. The implied scope and size are awesomely terrifying; this obvious den of pure evil even has fucking trees on top of it.

I’ll mention D&D shit again: this is definitely where the Big Bad Evil Guy lives, and by stepping inside you pretty much sign your own death warrant. You will not die peacefully or quickly within the jaws of this fortress. I love this kind of shit. Bring this type of dark art back, instead of the edgelord crap we see all the time today. 80S style fantasy is the best, hands down.

Don’t bother waiting for the storm to stop, either. There’s always lightning. They have a guy just for that. They keep him busy.

WAYOUT

Sirius Software, 1982

More clowns. Well, just one this time, and he’s paying for his vile sins in the Laser Labyrinth. All his years spent spreading terror and dismay among children come home to roost, as he basks in the stark horror of his predicament. He begins to panic – a new emotion for him – as he realizes that there may well be no “wayout” for him. This is the Pit. This is the place he sent childrens’ dreams, where he stockpiled their fear. The Laser Labyrinth holds something far more terrifying than a minotaur. It holds this clown’s own worst nightmares, and they’re coming.

Laugh now, fucker.

Thanks again, dear readers. Viddy well and stay retro.

I have five more images, plucked from the limitless vaults of the world wide web, to represent the eccentric, the esoteric, the bizarre and the surreal… all elements of early video game box art from the 80s and 90s. Some of them are awesome, some of them make us laugh, and some of them, unfortunately, even make us a tad uncomfortable. No pain no gain, right?

Get in losers, we’re looking at box art.

DEATH SWORD (aka BARBARIAN)

Epyx, 1987

We have two strong theories we can work with here. Theory number one is rather benign: this guy’s just jazzed as hell to be mostly nude and swinging around a huge sword. I mean, who wouldn’t get a bit of a thrill out of that? My guess is schmucks and babymen. Grown-ass dudes who still drink whole milk on the daily. What popular vernacular refers to as “basic bitches.”

The other theory isn’t as glorious, unless you like the idea of a big buff barbarian shitting his pants while murdering people. If you do like that idea… I hope it’s just for the humor value. Because it is pretty funny.

Nah, he’s totally taking a brutal dump in his fur-speedo. And he thinks it’s funny too. That’s all his face can mean.

BLOOD MONEY

Psygnosis, 1989

When I first saw this image, my initial thought was, “holy shit, is this some 70s prog rock band I somehow missed?” I felt like throwing one in that wasn’t terribly strange or awful… something actually awesome. This cribs a bit off of Roger Dean’s style (the artist is actually one Peter Andrew Jones, who has mostly done covers for sci-fi novels), but it does it so well that I had to check if it was Roger Dean. My first hint that it wasn’t: this very un-Roger-like alien. Look at him though! I’m guessing that face is the equivalent of a sneer. This dude (or chick, I don’t know, it’s a fucking space alien okay?) is ready for a scrap. That landscape looks like it came right off of a Yes or Asia album cover, though.

I was just so happy to find this. The game itself is really good too. It’s a side-scrolling shooter with some pretty incredible variety and flavor to it.

BLAGGER

Antony Crowther, 1983

For those of you not from the British Isles or elsewhere the Queen’s English is spoken, “blagger” is a localized term for a robber or thief – to “blag” is to rob or steal something. At least, that’s my understanding. If you’re from the UK or wherever else, please feel free to contact me and tell me how stupid I am. I love that shit.

Anyway, it looks like this dude’s criminal career is the stuff of either nightmares or legend. Posture and facing leads me to believe that he has teamed up with a chubby little blue… I don’t know. Some kind of half-assed transitional dinosaur? It’s got opposable thumbs though, and that’s one of the makings of a great thief.

Both seem blissfully unaware of the giant mouth and skull hurtling toward them. Perhaps figments of Blagger’s DT-fueled imagination as he fights through the shakes to snag some more liquor money. Maybe the goofy-ass ghosts of past “associates,” still hanging in between realms due to their iniquities in life, haunting the shit out of the man whose actions led to their deaths. Maybe they’re all homies, and the mouth is singing some kind of breezy arena-rock ballad out of pure excitement.

If they’re not friendly, I have a feeling that Blagger’s modestly sized crowbar won’t be of much help. I have never met an evil-ass skull ghost who gave two shits about a crowbar. Not even in Castlevania. Floating skulls are whip business, pure and simple.

RENEGADE III: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Imagine Software, 1989

A classic example of box art overselling the product therein to the moon and back, the cover of Renegade III is very 1989, and very awesome in its way. 1989 really was a year where no one really knew what anyone wanted, so they just poured it all into one bucket for you to sift through.

Fuck off, pink caveman. Go piss up a rope, giant killer robot. I’ll get to you right after I KICK THIS MUMMY RIGHT IN ITS DUMB FUCKING FACE. The guy’s outfit is how I imagine Hank Rollins would have dressed in 1989 if he had been really into kung fu.

It just occurred to me that the Rosy Cro-Magnon is looming in from the mountain in the background, and therefore may be even bigger than the giant manhandling beady-eyed android trying to give Renegade’s left thigh a big hug. I’m sorry to throw down judgment on a robot, but that thing has the set rictus grimace and predatory eyes of an unapologetic sex pervert. Run, Renegade! Not even your chi power can save you from that kind of shit.

I suppose the eclectic and clumsy art along the sides would make sense to me if I played the game or understood the plot, but I know well enough from those who came before me not to bother with Renegade III.

CLOWNS

(yes, it’s just called Clowns)

Bally/Midway, 1978 (released in ’83 for the C64)

I seriously thought some asshole just made this cover art within the last 10 years or so as some kind of joke or meme. Turns out it’s real. I know it’s a little cliched at this point to think clowns are creepy, but this shit makes my skin crawl.

“I know what you did, Tommy. I know what you do, in your bed every night under those covers, with the lotion. I’m not judging you. But I see it. I see everything, Tommy boy. Remember that.”

And the worst part, in little Tommy’s mind, is that the other clowns are laughing their asses off.

The second I upload this .jpg file, I am wiping it from my hard drive. Can I train Bleach Bit to only annihilate this image?

Thank you for tolerating another bout of this insanity, friends and readers. I will show mercy for another month or two, while I continue to scour the earth for more. Stay Retro!

Nodes of Yesod

Odin Computer Graphics, Ltd, 1985

Let me start off by saying two things. First, “Odin” is a good name for anything. I shouldn’t have to explain why. Beats me why anyone would be too lame to get it. Second, this game was published for a computer called the Enterprise 128, and I know nary a damn thing about it. In fact, this game box is the first evidence I’ve seen that the system ever existed.

I’m guessing the massive, otherworldly floating bronze table is a Node, because I don’t know what the hell else it’d be, just floating around on some dusty-ass moon. You can tell that the novelty of nodes, and even the wonder of outer space, long ago ran sour for our astronaut here. His space suit looks like it was cobbled together using terrycloth towels and those soft lunchboxes that are supposed to keep food hot but instead just make it easier to ruin between point A and B. In his fat, vinyl-thick hand, he holds the pinnacle of space age innovation: a Super 8 camera.

Back in 1985, they had to clarify on the box whether or not it was a “graphics adventure.” It even has stereo sound. Nodes of Yesod wasn’t just any Normal Joe computer program. This was some high-fallootin’ boutique-level entertainment.

Krazy Kong

PSS, 1983

Okay, I have heard of the ZX81.

That’s about all. I’ve seen it mentioned in the occasional article or other source. I never bothered to learn more. To be fair, 90% of my personal time consists of playing D&D on Roll20, watching low-budget horror and sci fi films, and sleeping.

Whether or not you’ve heard of the ZX81, Krazy Kong has heard of you. In his dreams. The ones where he’s eating you. What unnerves me even more than his bright red face and his ability to astral project just his head? The fact that he’s out to get you… and looks fucking JAZZED about it. Dude packed a cooler and everything. He lives for this shit. One must wonder what attachment, sentimental or contractual, a leering red ape might have to the might and ancient Pyramid, but Krazy Kong does not look like the kind of cat I’d be asking a ton of questions. You’re probably lucky if you can get a head start.

Wait. Wait. It also bothers me – as well as standing in affront to nature and science – that Krazy Kong has a very human nose and four daggerlike Dracula fangs. Planning an exciting getaway to Egypt this year? I say skip it.

Megami Tensei Gaiden – Last Bible

Multimedia Intelligence Transfer, 1999

I am aware that this is a way more recent game than we usually talk about here, but I don’t give a shit because Megami Tensei is a long-running and pitifully undersung series. Oh yeah, and let me give a shout: Zayd, Ben, Zach, Colin, Nick, and Jonah… this is for you. I love you guys even though you’re hopeless anime nerds.

Much like the Final Fantasy series eternally promises in its titles that this is definitely the final one (but it isn’t because you FF fans love this shit and would probably buy a toaster if we branded it with Cloud’s smirking face), this game makes reference to something called the “Last Bible.” I am not a theologist, nor was I ever much for the academic end of religion, but I’m reasonably sure there’s just one Bible. I mean, there’s the Book of Mormon, the Catholic Apocrypha, and a handful of other peripheral tomes… but I don’t think they published a “Bible 2.” I’m willing to bet that most of the Apostles had enough excitement seeing the first one through.

Apparently in the Last Bible, Christ is notably absent. He has been rotated out in favor of three kids who have some really fucking weird homies. It may just be a splash representation of both the characters and the monsters, but this stone cold convinces me that these folks, human or not, represent one crew. Here’s my imagination’s breakdown of the posse, member by member:

• Sassy Face Pink Lion Man is usually the one who gets the gang all riled up to do crazy shit. SFPLM does not use an inside voice ever, and probably doesn’t care to know what that means. That said, he’s a genuinely friendly dude, cares about his friends, and is always willing to walrus-bite a fool if they wanna step. SFPLM’s only gripe is that when they do Tuesday lunch at Red Robin, it’s a real pain in the ass to chew a burger with only four huge canine teeth.
• The human girl in the blue and red getup with the rather ostentatious pimp-sceptre is only around about half the time; her mom likes that she’s getting out of the house and making friends, but there’s just something about Ponderous Leering Gorgon Pharoah that bothers her. I mean, live and let live, but Mom calls ’em like she sees ’em.
• Frontmost obligatory sword guy isn’t even ostensibly in charge. He just always gets all pee-jump excited about SFPLM’s yelling bullshit that he goes all spazmo and tries to out-lion the lion. Everyone’s cool to him ,though, because he is actually OK with the sword and he usually has 4 or 5 bags of Gushers in his bookbag and doesn’t mind sharing them.
• Pinstrip Turban Asshole barely has a vested interest in anything. He usually just fills space, smirking all smugly and diligently avoiding mud so he doesn’t ruin his Circus Sultan clothes. He actually knows no goddamned magic at all, but Sword Kid has a brutal crush on his older sister so it’s this kind of lukewarm half friendship. Sword Kid would never tell anyone, but once he saw Turban Kid in a private moment, standing n front of a full-length mirror and lip-synching to “Barbie Girl.”
• I am unsure if the orange stone and serpent-horse body part grab bag are one thing or two. The flamboyant but incredibly street-smart snake-horse met the lion guy when they were in college, and despite the two of them having jack shit in common except this thing they’re doing, they’ve stayed friends.
• Gucci Skeleton Prince is not a regular member of the crew. He’s actually not an undead wizard or king or anything, but his mumble rap career is just now picking up wind, and he’s got his priorities straight. HE still pops by to run with the old crew once in a while, not only because he’s superhumanly chill, but because he knows it’s good to remember your roots.
• The tentacle bug man in the aggressively-yellow 4x sweatsuit is actually the most powerful member of the team, but everyone just rags on him for his weird fashion sense and the fact that he smells like Vics Vapo Rub all the time. He doesn’t share a lot about himself, and Turban Kid thinks he might be suicidally depressed, but doesn’t really care because Turban Kid is an asshole. Also, Bug Guy always insists on bringing the huge red lizard even though it panics the second things get tense and refuses to bear a rider. He feeds it pills. No one asks.
• Aw man, fucking Ponderous Leering Gorgon Pharoah. This dude is barely capable of coherent speech, is usually Xanned out, and has to be reminded every five to ten minutes what’s going on. Sassy Lion is looking for a good way to tell Gorgon Pharoah that he’s a gigantic liability, but it’s incredibly hard to talk to this guy while he’s just rolling his eyes back in his head and bass-groaning in monotone for a half-hour straight.

Ninja Golf

Atari, 1990

“Look, we needed a guaranteed-minimum walk-in sale, and if you put ninjas in anything, it’s pretty much gonna get bought by some people.”

I immediately recall the scene in the film Ninja III: the Domination where several well-trained shinobi killers throw down and let some blood soak the fairways. This box art is kind of a letdown, though. I can forgive it being a tad plain – I mean, you design a package, get the job done, and go home – but what really bothers me? That isn’t even a Japanese sword, yo. That’s a Chinese K.F. Broadsword.

You should also be more careful stowing your nunchaku. Night play can be a harrowing uphill battle, and losing a good pair of chucks could ruin your round. Not to mention the dubious function and comfort of tabi boots with cleats on the bottom.

Eliminate Down

Soft Vision, 1993

This is fucking stomach-churning. That is a deliberate and carefully-rendered Butthole Worm. A colossal butthole worm, flailing its guts-body around as it gets rocked by laser fire and letting… whatever that is ooze out of its suggestive aperture. Even the screaming piano-toothed alien seems a little shocked. Maybe a little embarrassed. “It’s… not mine. I don’t know… it just… I found it in here.”

The towering articulated cactus-arcology seems tame in comparison. I fail to see how that loveable oaf could hurt a fly. He’s perfectly content swaying in the thermals, passively ingesting space-plankton, and thinking about what having limbs would be like.

He was pretty comfy until Anus-Wyrm busted on the scene with his gaping orifice and his Astroglide drool problem. There goes the magma-ocean.

In February, I make this Good Boy Promise to you, my readers: I will write three articles, and exactly zero of them will be box art. Stay Retro, and as the Great One once said, “be like water, my friends.”

I have more.

This kind of thing never gets old to me, so I bring you a third installment of box art that unsettles that inner part of our brain, that bit of jelly left over from early in our primordial roots that causes us to recoil from eyes in the dark or a sharp hiss. That along with some art that just beggars belief in its ridiculousness. Gird your loins. Stand ready. The time has come.

Note: This time there are one or two titles I had trouble finding the year of release for. Forgive me and feel free to email me if you know.

Skate Board Joust (Silverbird)

I feel like this one’s heavy with symbolism. Writ large upon the rocket powered skateboard is the word “DEATH.” Is it the ghastly, bat-like monster whose death is imminent, or does the rabble-rousing ripped-jean teen ride death into oblivion, kicking sick ollies along the way?

Also, does that bat-creature have tits? The lines of its form suggest that it does, and I find that immediately unwholesome.

Pro Wrestling (Sega, 1986)

Again, I think we’re in existential territory here. Thus the nature of my first question: is this man wrestling with himself in the sense that he rebels against his own nature (thus his desire to destroy his head and therefore his thoughts), or is this a battle symbolizing body image?

As a finishing note, I would like to ask another question: Which part of him is sweating? His head or his armpit?

Cuthbert and the Golden Chalice (Microdeal, 1986)

Yes, another treasure from Microdeal. Here we see a glimpse into the madness that wealth can inflict upon mankind. A profoundly mentally ill child leers at the viewer, beset on all sides by various threats (including a mantis with an unnervingly humanoid face). Cuthbert smiles despite his pants-shitting predicament, because in his worship of Mammon he has sought the golden cup in the background. Should we pity the child, or is it us who should laugh, in light of Cuthbert’s folly? He is but one human being of untold billions. This story repeats itself ad infinitum through the great torus loop of past and future.

Seriously though, that mantis-ape is creepy as fuck and if I ever saw a hornet that big I’d need to be committed. I’d never go outside again.

Bad Cat (Rainbow Arts, 1987)

This is just plain fucking ghoulish. I mean, this has to have been rendered with the intent to harm or frighten someone. I can almost hear this thing talking to me, and I hate its voice in my imagination. Dressed up like Rambo in an alley full of trash, it bares its little teeth in a mockery of a human smile. It knows what it’s doing is vulgar. It knows it’s breaking unspoken laws. And it fucking loves it. Is that some kind of candy bar, or a stick of butter? For some reason, my mind insists on it being a stick of butter. That just makes more sense within this senseless ensemble. I want to find this thing and fistfight it. And that’s heartbreaking, because I love cats. You know, actual ones. Ones that belong in our fucking dimension.

X Man (Gamex)

A woman, rendered in reasonably human (albeit subtly exaggerated) proportions undresses while looking into “camera.” Meanwhile, X Man, who I’m guessing is our protagonist, wages what I can only assume is a brutal war for the integrity of his own penis against a set of horrors that pursue him through a maze in Hell. Though the visceral fear of having his genitals bitten, scissored, or assaulted by a giant crustacean is very real to our questionable hero, his terror mingles with another emotion etched across his cartoon face: raw, primal lust.

X Man keeps it simple, though, and that probably works well for him; his outfit is casual, but the high socks indicate his athleticism. He’s not going to let gigantic crabs, sentient novelty chompers, or possessed shears get in the way of his libido. He’s packing iron and riding high in the saddle. Look out, lady.

No, seriously, lady, watch out. You seem woefully oblivious to your peril.

Thanks again for braving the madness with me again, Retro-readers. Keep it old-school!