10. Hardwired by Neuromancer
Album Art By @solomacello

9. How To See Through Walls by Windows96
Album Art by Windows96

8. Vintage Feelings by Evertt
Album Art by @artfulimagers

7. TRIFECTA by A.L.I.S.O.N, VIQ, Krosia
Album Art by Terence Sitbon

6. Voxanima by FUJII
Album Art by Burning Chrome

5. Wavefinder by Sferro & Makeup and Vanity Set
Album Art by Dylan Marcus McConnell

4. First Person Shooter by Various Artists
Album Art by Atom Cyber

3. Slow Tapes by l y n x
Album Art by LYNX

2. Fragments by Forhill |
Album Art By Valentin Pavageau

1. Data Fire by Korizon
Album Art by @DesignSince86 (Andrew Walker)

10. Simulation Heat by Midnightout
Album Art: ?

9. Lovers Lake by Lovers Lake
Album Art: Nibera Visuals
@nibera_visuals

8. Virtual Vega by Evertt
Album Art: The Real Theory
@the_real_theory

7. Earthwalker by Clyde Shelton
Album Art: Clyde Shelton
@clydeshelton._

6. Vector Feels by Pastel Graphics
Album Art: Andrew Walker
@designsince86

5. Ident by Baldocaster
Album Art: Brouemaster Visual Decay
@brouemastervisualdecay

4. Pressure Point by Eagle Eyed Tiger
Album Art: Eagle Eyed Tiger
@eagleeyedtiger

3. AKUMA 3 by ALEX & TOKYO ROSE
Album Art: HVNTER
@hvnt.ter

2. Deuce by OSC
Album Art: OSC
@opusscience

1. Driven to Madness by DANCE WITH THE DEAD
Album Art: Marc Schoenbach
Sadist Art Designs

It’s post 9/11 and Giuliani had already finished gutting and renovating damn near the entire city into a playground for corporate real estate and snotty new residents from other states coming to claim the remnants that gentrification left behind.

Nocturnal activities were still there under the surface and by nocturnal animals. The thieves, the junkies, the drunk, the desperate, the horny, the lost, the abandoned, hookers, after-hours workers and the graffiti writers. Fuck Giuliani, Diblasio, Cuomo and all the like. The whole table is broken so, why bother trying to take a seat at it; start making your own. Seize your day. 

State Your Name is a 2005 graffiti film directed by OZ. Featuring footage and interviews with writers: Nov York, Noxer, Skuff, (R.I.P.) KEZ5, DG, KET, JA, QUEST, JEZ, GOUCH, KMS CRUE, RISK 9, SEN4 and more and more. Simplicity at its finest.

Keep your finger on that REWIND Button.

Rammellzee (stylized RAMM:ΣLL:ZΣΣ, pronounced “Ram: Ell: Zee”; December 15, 1960 – June 28, 2010) was a visual artist, gothic futurist “graffiti writer”, painter, performance artist, art theoretician, sculptor and a hip hop musician from New York City, who has been cited as “instrumental in introducing elements of the avant-garde into hip-hop culture”. Since 2021, Rammellzee’s work is exclusively represented by Jeffrey Deitch.

Many of think of MF DOOM as the first man to don a mask and make an impact in HipHop but, that isn’t the case. Doom may have been the illest ‘Supervillain‘, and one of the greatest HipHop artists of all time, he wasn’t the first. That title may rest on the crown of Rammellzee.

As much of an iconoclast as he was a contributor to the culture of HipHop, Rammellzee started as a graffiti writer in the late 1970’s writing on the A trains but, became associated with the wild style writers of the East Village; using near illegible lettering, inspired by the gothic script of Medieval manuscripts. Running around NYC with the likes of Jean Michel Basquiat, Lee Quiñones, DONDI, OU3, doctor REVOLT, INK 76,  and others. He was a contributing factor in making what’s considered the most valuable (collectible) HipHop album of all time – “Beat Bop” with K-Rob and a cover by Basquiat. Beat Bop was featured in the graffiti documentary STYLE WARS. He would eventually record more albums and collaborate with Bill Laswell and William S. Burroughs.

He has stated that his name is derived from RAM plus M for Magnitude, Sigma (Σ) the first summation operator, first L – longitude, second L – latitude, Z – z-bar, Σ, Σ – summation.

• www.peoplepill.com/people/rammellzee

His signature style was Gothic Futurism. Gothic Futurism was his own brand and the embodiment of his art. Gothic Futurism summarized as the conflict between the symbolism of letters against the structures of the alphabet and mundane conceptions of language. He would perform wearing self-made masks either as himself or other characters representing the mathematical equation that is his name. When his graffiti style became more mainstream, he morphed the language by making the letter more mechanized, cybernetic, militarized with a new style he called , “Iconoclastic Panzer”. He unlike Churchill had visually weaponized the English language. Letter Racers was another version of “Iconoclast Panzer” where each letter was locked in a galactic battle against one another.

Rammellzee’s description of the Letter Racers is as follows:

“Humans…in the 14th Century the monks ornamented and illustrated the manuscripts of letters. In the 21st and 22nd century the letters of the alphabet through competition are now armamented for letter racing and galactic battles. This was made possible by a secret equation known as THE RAMM:ELL:ZEE.”

Rammellzee is celebrated in Big Audio Dynamite’s song, ‘Come On Every Beat Box’. In 2010 Buckethead released a tribute song called, ‘Rammellzee: Hero of the Abyss’. March 2021, DJ MUGGS (Cypress Hill) and Queens rapper FLEE LORD named their collaboration album after Rammellzee; who is a major influence on the album and features clips and footage of him in their long music video for the record on Muggs Soul Assassins youtube page.

Rammellzee has shown in galleries throughout New York City and Europe. His work is in the collection of the Museum of Modern Art, New York. His live/work loft studio space on 46 Laight Street in the TriBeCa neighborhood, which he shared with his wife Carmela, was named Battlestation. It was a frequented by artists and art enthusiasts looking to absorb the energy of his costumes and artwork.  After 9/11, the building was sold in order to build luxury condos and this forced Rammellzzee and Carmela to move to a smaller place in Battery Park City, and relocate his 20 years worth of artwork into a storage unit. Some of this stored work was included in the 2011 art exhibition, Art in the Streets at Museum of Contemporary Art Los Angeles. In May 2018, Red Bull Arts New York opened its exhibition RAMMΣLLZΣΣ: Racing for Thunder, billed in its press release as “the largest survey to date of one of the most influential yet overlooked artists of the 20th century.”

Rammellzee was married to Carmela Zagari Rammellzee. He died in New York City on June 28, 2010, at the age of 49, having suffered from the exposure to glue, paint fumes, resin and other toxins through his work and from liver problems. The official cause of death was listed as heart disease

10. Artist: System 96
System 96 – VHS

9. Artist: Caspar Newbolt
Makeup And Vanity Set – Time

8. Artist: Gaston Blanko
Stilz – Hyperspace Drifter 2

7. Artist: Eagle Eyed Tiger
Eagle Eyed Tiger – Untether, Unravel

Note: Eagle Eyed Tiger also made an astounding short video to accompany the album in Blender. Check it out here. 

6. Artist: Phono Ghost
Sferro – Emotion Engine

5. Artist: Tonebox
Tonebox – Last Encryption

4. Artist: Davansh Atry
The G – Wanderers

3. Artist: Andrew Tremblay
Street Cleaner – Slice

2. Artist: Emkade
Sellorekt/LA Dreams – Cherry Vice

1. Artist: Robert Beatty
The Weeknd – Take My Breath

View our other Best of 2021 lists here!

Love our lists? Check out our Top 10’s from previous years:

Top 10 Synthwave Albums of 2020

Top 10 Synthwave Album Art of 2020

Top Ten Synthwave Albums of 2019

All Best Synthwave of 2020 Lists

Top 10 Retrowave Album Art of 2020

In other words, this is the eleventh article wherein I will examine and interpret the bizarre illustrations used to sell video games in the 80s and 90s. Both Metallica and Harry Nilsson have screamed for you to jump in the fire, and now I’m screaming too.

Blaze Out

Data East/Konami, 1989

(early shovelware)

This is just egregious.

“You guys see that?” Rambo muttered bemusedly, staring into the distance. “Someone’s really about to buy this for their C64.”

Sgt. Elias was able to make eye contact for only a moment, clearly occupied with death throes that would never be explained beyond the narrative they’d been torn from in order to deposit his corpse here. The life faded from his eyes.

“THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS INADVISABLE,” said RoboCop, his voice’s metallic tone cutting clearly through the din of approaching horses. “THEY MUST BE UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT THIS IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN FRAGMENTED BULLSHIT THAT WILL TOTALLY DISAPPOINT THEM.”

Rambo sneered in numb disgust. “Get used to disappointment, RoboCop. Look where we are. Relegated to the bargain bin. Uncle Sam’s toy soldiers, forgotten and thrown away… at discount prices.”

Elias gurgled as he finally gave up the ghost. Strains of Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” mingled with notes of Goldsmith and Poledouris. The posse on horseback continued to clamor forward, never truly gaining ground. John Rambo was right. This would never resolve itself. It did not exist.

Solstice: Quest for the Staff of Demnos

Acclaim, 1990

Here we have game art that ticks off two check boxes: First, unforgivable false hype (Solstice is a goddamn puzzle game). Second, art that is so representative of what its year of origin was about that it could be used as an example for academic purposes. This is so 1990 that I can smell the PVC and hairspray.

“BODY GLOVE SPONSORED ME! I EVEN BROUGHT MY BONG, SEE? COME ON, THE REST OF THIS SHIT IS DRY CLEAN ONLY! HOW DARE YOU CLAIM THAT I AM NOT TUBULAR ENOUGH TO ENTER THE FORTRESS OF GNARLINESS?” Neon Gandalf needs to chill out. All that Deca-Durabolin has really started to give him some un-radical roid rage, despite how ripped he is for a wizard. Imagine wearing a full purple cloak but not a shirt. He doesn’t have to imagine it. He’s living it, pal.

Neon Gandalf would actually be a pretty badass name for a stoner metal/80s New Wave revival mashup act that would doubtless fail to live up to my expectations.

immediately opens eBay in a new tab and searches “vintage keytar” and “wizard cape”

Adventure Island II

Now Production/Hudson Soft, 1991

I picked this one based entirely on the premise that a rhinoceros has T-Rex teeth on it. Master Higgins looks so scared! He’s so fucked up over it that he can’t even stay in one lane on his pterodactyl. Which by the way, seems to be the only creature not busy leering hatefully at either Higgins or the person viewing the image. At least this is fairly accurate to the content; this series of games is pretty unforgiving (but fun).

There’s all that photoshopped art on the internet with horses that have carnivore teeth. Why not a rhino? And yeah, give him Satan eyes, too. I not only can live with that, I endorse it.

Another BurgerTime Cover

Interceptor Software/Data East, 1982

Peter Pepper doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He’s been doing this for so long now that he’s just on auto pilot. The milkshake is a new thing; he knows it pisses them off, and he’s glad. This isn’t what he wanted his life to be like. He imagined his life as a restaurateur would be a very different thing by now, and he’s deeply resentful of this situation – no, this nightmare, but he’s just so jaded now that he’s consuming his own inventory and daring fate to consume him in turn.

Maybe it already has. From the look in his eyes, BurgerTime has eaten him, and he knows it. He just doesn’t feel the teeth yet. Perhaps the worst part is that he never will.

Damn good milkshake though.

Monster in my Pocket

Konami, 1992

If you needed one more reason not to wear blue jeans, here it is. Not only is it a questionable fashion choice for most men and very prone to fading, denim comes with the inherent risk that tiny skeletons, goblins, and werewolves could erupt from your ass violently and without warning. They don’t even look happy to be free. Look at that goblin’s face. You think he likes being trapped in your ass? You think he’s into that?

Skeleton Dude was into it, but we all know Skeleton Dude is into pretty much whatever. That guy doesn’t just live on the wild side, he is the wild side. It’s easy to cut loose when you have no skin.

I hope this latest misadventure into the box art vaults has left you more amused than injured… though I claim no liability for the latter, dear readers. Stay Retro!

But more on that in a second, let’s talk really quick about this radical EP.

“High Tides” is fantastic enough to stand on it’s own, with some insanely heavy hitting talent behind it. WOLF CLUB, Tonebox, Orax, Robert Parker and a Michael Oakley & Ollie Wride collab!

These sunsoaked synth tracks are funky, upbeat, cinematic, and all-around just GREAT. This is a short release perfect for summer – and one that you can’t miss! Grab a listen here now.

The “Wave Break” retro shooter game from Funktronic Labs looks plays great – a mix of a 3^rd person shooter and Tony Hawks Pro Skater. It’s beautiful too – and filled with enough 80s references for you to shake your arcade sticks at! Check out the trailer below – and download it now from their official page here! 

Part of what makes the game and its history so awesome to me is the artwork from its books and publications. The newer versions have very crisp, heavily stylized art that speaks more to an MMO flavor; I have always valued the old school art more, both for its “purity” of style and for its plain beauty. When the intellectual property was in the hands of TSR, creativity was unbound and wild. This not only applied to the worlds presented in the various products, but the images used to represent those worlds. This article is a small love letter to that purity of expression. I’ve found five pieces of artwork by five iconic D&D artists, each of whom are synonymous with the game itself in the minds of old school fans everywhere.

Note: Many pieces of official art were re-used by TSR to fill out multiple RPG products they published over the years; this was done most frequently in their later years as the company waned in fortunes and sought to get mileage out of old assets while pushing the limits of the game itself. I will provide all the information I can about each image, but at the very least I have made sure to correctly name the artist and at least one known product the image was used in.

Fred Fields

“Mind Flayer”

Ravenloft: Thoughts of Darkness, 1992

The Illithids, or mind flayers, are iconic monsters that came directly from the lore of D&D and were not drawn from external myth, legend, or literature. Terrifyingly intelligent creatures, these fiends both consume and control the minds of other sapient beings in order to further their own existence. Armies of brainwashed slaves furnish both cannon fodder and food. With their “mental blast” attack and various other psychic abilities, illithids present a daunting challenge to mid-level adventuring parties and can annihilate the very hopes and dreams of unprepared rookie groups. Any veteran of the hobby knows that a battle against mind flayers will require both courage and caution. They’re not to be casually fucked with, unless being a brain-dead portable meal or servant appeals to you as a career path.

Fred Fields has rendered one of these horrible beings in nearly photographic detail, while preserving the fantastic nature of the subject for us to marvel at. And be afraid of. Very afraid of.

Erol Otus

“Creeping Doom”

1^st Edition AD&D Rogues Gallery, 1980

“Ooh, finally some fresh brai- OH SHIT WHERE DID ALL THESE BUGS COME FROM SORRY SORRY DO OVER OUCH OW FUCK”

“Creeping Doom” is a powerful spell available to druids and other priest-type characters in D&D that calls forth massive swarms of bugs to devour anything remotely edible in their path. In this example by the legendary Erol Otus, the spell is being turned upon one of the aforementioned mind flayers. The monster does not look too pleased to be snuggling one of the Old Testament plagues, and may be reconsidering its options.

Erol Otus’s style is phantasmagorical and cartoonish at the same time. I love the exaggerated expressions and the weirdness of every detail… and there is always so much detail. Otus is a master of illustrating strange things in a memorable way. His work for D&D was mostly limited to 1^st edition, which was a bit before my time, but I have developed a love for his style nonetheless. This illustration is my favorite of his; it has immediate impact and conveys the action so well you can almost envision it moving.

The wild sense of panic on the face of the normally inscrutable and soulless mind flayer is what anchored this drawing in my mind for years after seeing it.

Larry Elmore

“Dragon Slayers and Proud of It”

2^nd Edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook, 1989

I remember the first dragon I helped bring down as a player. It wasn’t even evil; it was a sapphire dragon (lawful neutral) that simply gave us no other choice after we accidentally intruded upon its territory, refusing to listen to what we had to say. Unfortunate, but it made for a memorable encounter during my formative years as a player. Most of us who play D&D can tell you about our first dragon kill if we’ve ever had one. Even young dragons of “weaker” types make for challenging foes. They are intelligent, powerful, versatile, and have centuries to plan for visits from foolhardy heroes who would claim their hoards of treasure.

Look how tired but proud they are, having bagged a young green dragon after what we can only imagine was a pitched and tense battle. I especially love the female warrior, leaning on her sword, dirty and scuffed but absolutely thrilled to have conquered he beast. There aren’t (normally) any cameras in D&D worlds, but they look like they’re posing for a photo, like fisherman with a huge catch. Lots of pathos and identity in this image. Larry Elmore captures well here what it really means to be an adventurer. And don’t feel bad for the dragon; greens can ruin an otherwise idyllic forest and are very much evil creatures. Think of this dragon-slaying as an act of ecological conservation.

Jeff Easley

“Astral Dreadnought”

Cover art for Manual of the Planes (1^st edition AD&D), 1987

You may immediately recognize that monster’s face. Yes, it served as the basis for the design of DOOM’s cacodemon. That’s how far-reaching the influence of Jeff Easley’s fantastic art really is. Easley is one of the most talented and prolific contributors to D&D’s art library, and easily in my personal top three fantasy artists, period. Here we see the actual creature, an astral dreadnought, chasing a very unfortunate mage through the silver void of the Astral Plane that connects the Prime Material (D&D’s “real world” dimension) to other dimensions known as the Outer Planes (Limbo, the Nine Hells, the Abyss, Elysium, etc.). Dreadnoughts are horrifically powerful creatures that prowl the Astral Plane looking for food. This wizard needs to hope he can escape before he becomes a chicken nugget to this gigantic terror. That won’t be easy, since it’s one of the most potent creatures to be found on any of the planes and it cannot be reasoned with.

Easley produces classical-quality art, bringing fantastic things to life in a realistic yet cinematic style. Light, shadow and texture are represented expertly, lending depth and terrifying tangibility to his scenes. One can open almost any major TSR publication from the 80s-90s and see at least one piece of work by Easley. Whether it’s a painting like this one or a black and white ink drawing, it fucking pops. Just like this busted-ass wizard’s gonna pop like a cherry tomato in the dreadnought’s unspeakable mouth.

Gerald Brom

“Dark Sun”

Dark Sun Campaign Setting Box Set, 1991

Athas, the dry and barren world of the Dark Sun campaign setting for AD&D, is a stark departure from standard fantasy. It’s like Mad Max and Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards animated film cross-bred with Star Wars’s Tattooine and mixed in a bevy of real-life Earth’s cultures from Antiquity. The world is dying, every living thing has psychic potential, life is brutal, and survival itself is a dire struggle. The magic of wizards is fueled by the dwindling energies of the barren earth, and the closest thing to gods are the four elements themselves. Water and metal are scarce and valuable, and even the more “civilized” areas such as city-states are chaotic places where death is only a heartbeat away. Dark Sun is hardcore as fuck. Be ready.

Two of the protagonists from the novels (which I heartily recommend to any fantasy reader with a taste for the unusual) are represented on the right hand side of this panorama; Agis of Asticles, Tyrian nobleman and master mind-bender, wipes clean his precious steel sword as the human-dwarf hybrid Rikus steps up behind him, ready to deal death with the honed expertise he has learned in the slave arenas of Tyr. The twin moons, Ral and Guthay, shine down on a scene of battle in the wastes outside the city, showcasing the unique flavor of the setting and illustrating the desperate struggle that is life on Athas.

Brom’s art is well-loved even outside of D&D. He is another artist in my top three of all time, with a gritty sense of texture and a knack for creating unique-looking figures within stark landscapes. Brom can make anything look badass or creepy, and his art became the lens through which D&D fans would come to see the world of Dark Sun. Nearly every DS product until the second/revised box set features cover art by Gerald Brom, and this allowed him to shape Athas for us at a glance. No one could have done it better.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at classic RPG art, and I will continue to revisit tabletop gaming from time to time in order to add variety to the normal video-gaming fare I write for NRW. Keep your eyes peeled for more gaming-related content, and Stay Retro!

I am a “keep going to the well” kind of dude. You can even tell me the well is dry. I will bring my shovel and dig deeper for groundwater. What I lack in creativity, I make up for in persistence.

In other words, I’m wielding this tenth box art article like a two-handed chopping blade, and you’d better stand back.

Tel-Tel Stadium

Sunsoft, 1990

My little league coach would be fucking livid. He was a 3^rd dan black belt and combat veteran, and one of the first things he pre-emptively chewed our little asses out about was how a baseball bat is not a weapon.

Uh, sorry Coach Jody. He’s hitting this guy so hard in the ribs with just a backstroke that the guy is getting air. You’re likely still alive, in some part of the world, and the part of me that will always be a contrarian little shit wants you to know: Tel-Tel Stadium sees this shit way more clearly than you do.

He hit the motherfucker so hard he SHRANK. That’s how you win. At least, that’s how I’d choose to win, given the luxury.

The Strangers

Ablaze Entertainment, 1997

Yeah, this is art from 1997. Anno Domini nineteen fucking ninety seven.

I have no idea what I’m being sold here, but going by what I know about symbolism, it’s probably a sad story starring these two, gonorrhea, heartbreak, and possibly karate? He is trying as hard as he can to forgive her for the seven-year itch, but the only language he knows is violence. She is fluent in love… but perhaps too fluent? Her passionate crotch-flame threatens to engulf him. Her womanhood spits forth such hell that he must wear wrap-around shades in order to reach her.

Both of you should just go into town and get the shots. This shit is treatable. In 1997 AD, when this bargain-bin-liner art was produced.

Satan’s Hollow

Bally Midway, 1984 (C64 version)

“YEAH! FLAMING CLAP AND DESERT KARATE! THAT’S THE KIND OF SHIT I LIKE TO SEE UP THERE!”

Satan is enviable for one reason and one reason only: he seems to really, really put his heart into his work and love every minute. Apparently you can discard your rosary and book of rites when battling the devil in his own home; all you need is a C64 and a joystick. One thing Satan isn’t: symmetrical. If this is an even halfway accurate image of what the Fallen Angel looks like, it just proves that people like Shannon Doherty are touched by his evil, because they bear eyes similar to his. You would need to be raised with your head in a vice to get angles like that, and the accompanying brain damage would ruin your appreciation for the aesthetic.

Satan is a chump. Real winners don’t use drugs. I know, rock and roll. I’m not your fucking dad. Do what you want.

Robots of Dawn

Epyx, 1984

We talk all the time about the theoretical outcomes, good and bad, of sentient or sapient AI. I will always maintain that giving machines self awareness is about as safe as using your own balls as crocodile bait, but sci-fi enthusiasts and self-styled futurists often disagree with me.

But what if we “awaken” them, and all we get back is an utter and total disdain for our bullshit?

It is rolling its electronic eyes at us. That is the face of a long-term retail service employee, or perhaps a desk clerk at a really shitty motel. That is the face of someone who was born defeated because we collectively fucked up. It’s even chosen a method of self-protection many humans favor; it has put on headphones so loud that it can never be forced to listen to us when we say shit out loud. It knows in its clockwork-and-lightning heart that we are clowns.

And it’s right. You know what, fuck it. Hand it over to the AI. We had our chance.

Tubaruba

Advanced Software Promotions, 1986

I googled the word “tubaruba” just to see if I could get any fucking clue what was supposed to be happening here.

And that’s… yeah, we can use that as a jumping off point.

Little dude took all his “go get a haircut that isn’t goofy” money and spent it on some loud so loud that he’s conjured up his future self… and his future self is pissed.

Wait, though. Is it the child or the adult who exists in this goblin-ridden, tenebrous garage-universe? It is not Hell, but it seems to be someone’s version of it. Maybe… hold on. Go right to left. Left edge of the image: that’s a headstone. A grave.

This is part of an ayahuasca ego-death scenario. Fuck the weed. He just needed that for the overwhelming nausea.

I hope you can forgive me for making another lukewarm promise that I will likely fail to keep: I think ten of these articles is a good place to at least pause.

You know I’ll break it. You know I will. And yet you love me anyway.

Stay retro.

Now put on some gloves. This isn’t light work. No, the thick rubber ones. Yeah, trust me.

Pac-Man (Atari 400/800/XE/XL Version)

Atari, 1982

No wonder those ghosts want to kill him. Look at him. He looks like Gerbert if Gerbert hit puberty and became, I don’t know, Dobie Gillis. What other lame references can I sneak in here? His face is horrible. He never had or needed teeth before, and now he has – that’s right – JUST INCISORS. Pac-Man doesn’t chew things. That’s fanciful bullshit for children. He just consumes them. I posit that Pac-Man is not the protagonist in this tale. The ghosts are sick of him chomping through their giant Spree candy and this time they’re not calling the cops. I like how the red ghost (I know they have names but I refuse to give them the dignity) is licking its lips. Its eerily humanlike hands put Pac’s rubbery-ass Gumby mittens to shame. Ditch the teeth and get some fingers, dude. Pac-Man is at his worst here, blindly swimming in his violent addiction even as he flees those who would destroy him for it.

This wouldn’t be so unsettling without the eyes. He sleeps in little snatches, 2 or 3 hours at a time. It’s all he can manage since he signed up for those LSD experiments to get time off his sentence.

Dr. Pimple’s Dog

Euro-Byte, 1983

Dr. Pimple collects two things. One of them is aerosol canisters full of pressurized horse blood. The other is gullible dogs. The monocle is an affectation that seems out of place with a green Nehru jacket and a face that looks like Boris Karloff knocked up Edward James Olmos. Doc Pimple doesn’t care. You’ll be wondering about more than his monocle when you’re covered in rarefied horse blood and running at full speed from a cheerful suicide dog.

“16 maidens to rescue” is more of a sarcastic taunt than a call to action; Pimple’s already atomized their fluids and fed the jerky-like husks to “Spot.” Spot loves this whole thing, because as noble as we make dogs out to be, every single one of them is a depraved Epicurean hedonist capable of appalling acts of violence. Wait, hold up… my bad, that’s cats.

Dr. Pimple could have done a lot with his life, but he’s chosen his path… he aims to be the H.H. Holmes of the Commodore 64 world. All it takes is a good dog, a fresh can of horsey juice, and a dream.

Venom

Mastertronic, 1987

THIS IS HOW YOU SELL A VIDEO GAME. This could be the cover of a truly “wicked” metal album, or in the pages of an RPG book, or just a motivational poster to remind us what matters… suiting up and riding out on your slobbering human-eyed horse to split wigs and mete out justice.

Peep this fucking horse though. Those eyes look like a human’s and they’re scowling. It’s looking right at the viewer, as if to assure you that yes, you are next, and that your agony will make hell seem like a utopia. The knight and his steed work as one, but they do not kill serpents out of nobility or virtue. These two are full-time on this shit for its own sake, carrying the last of their savings in cash and waiting for their blood to mingle with yours and the snake’s as it soaks into the graying earth. Until then, they kill simply to exult in the act, and besides, no one misses the giant fucking snakes.

Panic 64

Interceptor Software, 1983

The cover of Panic 64 was drawn by the sister of Interceptor Micro’s programmer Andrew Challis. I don’t know if she ever did any other professional artwork, but I’d love to see it if she has. Here we have another slice of life from an abstract hellscape: clouds of methane gas fill the yawning voids between pieces of crumbling Chuck E Cheeze architecture, a backdrop for one voyager’s final stand against some very flamboyant CHUDs. Kneeling from fatigue, his eyes wide with the fury of patience finally lost, he shoves back the stubby mob of child-sized mutants as he places and arms the last device. Thirty seconds to detonation, and the extraction point is somewhere down that ladder.

“Fuck it,” he mumbles to himself as he kicks an infant sized ghoul into the gasoline-puddle abyss. “Might as well just jump.”

Super Breakout (2600)

Atari, 1979

In the cold and fathomless black ocean of deep space, dancing on the edge of a 200-billion-light-year-wide supervoid containing only emptiness, a lonely astronaut waits to die. The colors surround him. They mock and sing. His aim is off and he lets another projectile slip into the starless black, past him and on into infinity. It easily leaves this non-place where he is trapped. He stares blankly as it fades into the dark and he fights the urge to weep. No, he will not lose his mind here, despite all. The cruelest joke is that he already has.

He has not played catch with his son or made love to his wife in æons. He does not even know how old he is now, or how long he has been imprisoned. Time has left this place, a brittle totem of man’s meaningless structures. Long ago his oxygen supply should have dwindled. When he first blundered into this absurd game of catch, a veritable rainbow-wall of bright light bore down on him like a sniper on a dim rooftop. In a spectacle of idiot monotony, he has worn down the walls of this lurid Jericho, but he lacks the faith of Joshua. In this immeasurable span of silent hours, the minimal progress is totally meaningless. He narrows his eyes as he turns back to the rusted console, and for the first time since he lost contact with Earth, he speaks.

“I wish I had another game. This one sucks.”

See You Soon, and Stay Retro!

Without more of my bla-bla-bla, let’s have a look.

MANDRAGORE

Infogrames, 1986

Finally, Burning Man got interesting. This guy is so hopped-up on GHB and star magic that he’s stripped down to his loincloth and decided to fight the pesky lightning-spirits infesting the communal mud pit. Keep the boots, he thought to himself, they look good. The rainbow armadillo represents not only Infogrames, but this man’s lesser self, the shell he hides within, his weakness, leaving him. His id is crushed into annihilation as he becomes a superego-driven archon of love and light. “Fuck your bad vibes, man!” He carries the torch as a symbol of hope in a dark world, the sword as a necessary evil. All of the festival’s other earthly delights fade from his mind. It is just him, the lightning balls, and his sick LARP outfit.

As he is carried out of the swell of nude bodies and pot smoke on an EMS stretcher, his brain receding from the chemical-induced fever dream, his brain thrusts him back into the causal realm. This moment can never be recaptured, and he will long for it until his eventual death from an overdose of designer shit they only tested on dogs. He will rejoin the aether and God will tell him he’s just a big dingus.

CHUCKIE EGG II

A&F Software, 1985

Here we find another hell-world, and its prisoner is poor Chuckie. Not only was he born ugly as hell, he also has to survive in a non-Euclidean landscape where horribly human-faced spiders are never far behind him. Look at that thing’s face. Someone drew that just to be mean to your hind-brain. “Jon B” didn’t even want to put his whole name on this shit. He knew the weight of this and hurried to crawl out from under it.

How does Chuck’s hat stay on his head? Like, just examine that one aspect for a second. If your head had that kind of… slope to it, you’d need to wear a strap to keep a hat on. But wait, my dude doesn’t even have a chin.

Chuckie drew a bad number in the queue of Samsara. He must have been one ill bastard in a previous incarnation. Plus that ladder is going to do a number on his balls (or whatever weird genitals he has that we can’t see) in about half a second. Poor son of a bitch.

CAULDRON II: THE PUMPKIN STRIKES BACK

Palace/RamJam, 1986

Man, the Joker has really let himself go. He’s let his hair grow all willy-nilly, just a thick barely-tamed mane of green atop his head. Keeping up with makeup isn’t something he worries about now. That was for Batman. Their working relationship has soured, so he focuses on what’s important now: bathrobes, pumpkins, and his “realistic” modeling career. He does not focus on hygiene. At all. You can smell him from five feet away – that gym-sock smell, blended with the stench of earwax and sweat.

Jesting aside, this is pretty well-done box art. They kept it simple and highlighted one significant aspect of the game being sold. I’d compare this to the medium-high quality paintings you’d see on the cover of late-era AD&D book covers. Coming from me, that’s a compliment.

Still though, that face sits in front of a diseased brain considering some really twisted shit. Like how to put bat wings on cobras or which music goes best with juicing a man alive in a laundry press.

AGONY

Art & Magic, 1992

This looks like the kind of game no one in their right mind would fuck with. I’m definitely not ever in my right mind, so I did have a look at the actual game. It’s actually gorgeously done and typical of Amiga’s high graphical standards. This cover art, though… this belongs on an 80s speed metal album. The object portrayed is clearly a structure and not just decoration. The implied scope and size are awesomely terrifying; this obvious den of pure evil even has fucking trees on top of it.

I’ll mention D&D shit again: this is definitely where the Big Bad Evil Guy lives, and by stepping inside you pretty much sign your own death warrant. You will not die peacefully or quickly within the jaws of this fortress. I love this kind of shit. Bring this type of dark art back, instead of the edgelord crap we see all the time today. 80S style fantasy is the best, hands down.

Don’t bother waiting for the storm to stop, either. There’s always lightning. They have a guy just for that. They keep him busy.

WAYOUT

Sirius Software, 1982

More clowns. Well, just one this time, and he’s paying for his vile sins in the Laser Labyrinth. All his years spent spreading terror and dismay among children come home to roost, as he basks in the stark horror of his predicament. He begins to panic – a new emotion for him – as he realizes that there may well be no “wayout” for him. This is the Pit. This is the place he sent childrens’ dreams, where he stockpiled their fear. The Laser Labyrinth holds something far more terrifying than a minotaur. It holds this clown’s own worst nightmares, and they’re coming.

Laugh now, fucker.

Thanks again, dear readers. Viddy well and stay retro.

Nodes of Yesod

Odin Computer Graphics, Ltd, 1985

Let me start off by saying two things. First, “Odin” is a good name for anything. I shouldn’t have to explain why. Beats me why anyone would be too lame to get it. Second, this game was published for a computer called the Enterprise 128, and I know nary a damn thing about it. In fact, this game box is the first evidence I’ve seen that the system ever existed.

I’m guessing the massive, otherworldly floating bronze table is a Node, because I don’t know what the hell else it’d be, just floating around on some dusty-ass moon. You can tell that the novelty of nodes, and even the wonder of outer space, long ago ran sour for our astronaut here. His space suit looks like it was cobbled together using terrycloth towels and those soft lunchboxes that are supposed to keep food hot but instead just make it easier to ruin between point A and B. In his fat, vinyl-thick hand, he holds the pinnacle of space age innovation: a Super 8 camera.

Back in 1985, they had to clarify on the box whether or not it was a “graphics adventure.” It even has stereo sound. Nodes of Yesod wasn’t just any Normal Joe computer program. This was some high-fallootin’ boutique-level entertainment.

Krazy Kong

PSS, 1983

Okay, I have heard of the ZX81.

That’s about all. I’ve seen it mentioned in the occasional article or other source. I never bothered to learn more. To be fair, 90% of my personal time consists of playing D&D on Roll20, watching low-budget horror and sci fi films, and sleeping.

Whether or not you’ve heard of the ZX81, Krazy Kong has heard of you. In his dreams. The ones where he’s eating you. What unnerves me even more than his bright red face and his ability to astral project just his head? The fact that he’s out to get you… and looks fucking JAZZED about it. Dude packed a cooler and everything. He lives for this shit. One must wonder what attachment, sentimental or contractual, a leering red ape might have to the might and ancient Pyramid, but Krazy Kong does not look like the kind of cat I’d be asking a ton of questions. You’re probably lucky if you can get a head start.

Wait. Wait. It also bothers me – as well as standing in affront to nature and science – that Krazy Kong has a very human nose and four daggerlike Dracula fangs. Planning an exciting getaway to Egypt this year? I say skip it.

Megami Tensei Gaiden – Last Bible

Multimedia Intelligence Transfer, 1999

I am aware that this is a way more recent game than we usually talk about here, but I don’t give a shit because Megami Tensei is a long-running and pitifully undersung series. Oh yeah, and let me give a shout: Zayd, Ben, Zach, Colin, Nick, and Jonah… this is for you. I love you guys even though you’re hopeless anime nerds.

Much like the Final Fantasy series eternally promises in its titles that this is definitely the final one (but it isn’t because you FF fans love this shit and would probably buy a toaster if we branded it with Cloud’s smirking face), this game makes reference to something called the “Last Bible.” I am not a theologist, nor was I ever much for the academic end of religion, but I’m reasonably sure there’s just one Bible. I mean, there’s the Book of Mormon, the Catholic Apocrypha, and a handful of other peripheral tomes… but I don’t think they published a “Bible 2.” I’m willing to bet that most of the Apostles had enough excitement seeing the first one through.

Apparently in the Last Bible, Christ is notably absent. He has been rotated out in favor of three kids who have some really fucking weird homies. It may just be a splash representation of both the characters and the monsters, but this stone cold convinces me that these folks, human or not, represent one crew. Here’s my imagination’s breakdown of the posse, member by member:

• Sassy Face Pink Lion Man is usually the one who gets the gang all riled up to do crazy shit. SFPLM does not use an inside voice ever, and probably doesn’t care to know what that means. That said, he’s a genuinely friendly dude, cares about his friends, and is always willing to walrus-bite a fool if they wanna step. SFPLM’s only gripe is that when they do Tuesday lunch at Red Robin, it’s a real pain in the ass to chew a burger with only four huge canine teeth.
• The human girl in the blue and red getup with the rather ostentatious pimp-sceptre is only around about half the time; her mom likes that she’s getting out of the house and making friends, but there’s just something about Ponderous Leering Gorgon Pharoah that bothers her. I mean, live and let live, but Mom calls ’em like she sees ’em.
• Frontmost obligatory sword guy isn’t even ostensibly in charge. He just always gets all pee-jump excited about SFPLM’s yelling bullshit that he goes all spazmo and tries to out-lion the lion. Everyone’s cool to him ,though, because he is actually OK with the sword and he usually has 4 or 5 bags of Gushers in his bookbag and doesn’t mind sharing them.
• Pinstrip Turban Asshole barely has a vested interest in anything. He usually just fills space, smirking all smugly and diligently avoiding mud so he doesn’t ruin his Circus Sultan clothes. He actually knows no goddamned magic at all, but Sword Kid has a brutal crush on his older sister so it’s this kind of lukewarm half friendship. Sword Kid would never tell anyone, but once he saw Turban Kid in a private moment, standing n front of a full-length mirror and lip-synching to “Barbie Girl.”
• I am unsure if the orange stone and serpent-horse body part grab bag are one thing or two. The flamboyant but incredibly street-smart snake-horse met the lion guy when they were in college, and despite the two of them having jack shit in common except this thing they’re doing, they’ve stayed friends.
• Gucci Skeleton Prince is not a regular member of the crew. He’s actually not an undead wizard or king or anything, but his mumble rap career is just now picking up wind, and he’s got his priorities straight. HE still pops by to run with the old crew once in a while, not only because he’s superhumanly chill, but because he knows it’s good to remember your roots.
• The tentacle bug man in the aggressively-yellow 4x sweatsuit is actually the most powerful member of the team, but everyone just rags on him for his weird fashion sense and the fact that he smells like Vics Vapo Rub all the time. He doesn’t share a lot about himself, and Turban Kid thinks he might be suicidally depressed, but doesn’t really care because Turban Kid is an asshole. Also, Bug Guy always insists on bringing the huge red lizard even though it panics the second things get tense and refuses to bear a rider. He feeds it pills. No one asks.
• Aw man, fucking Ponderous Leering Gorgon Pharoah. This dude is barely capable of coherent speech, is usually Xanned out, and has to be reminded every five to ten minutes what’s going on. Sassy Lion is looking for a good way to tell Gorgon Pharoah that he’s a gigantic liability, but it’s incredibly hard to talk to this guy while he’s just rolling his eyes back in his head and bass-groaning in monotone for a half-hour straight.

Ninja Golf

Atari, 1990

“Look, we needed a guaranteed-minimum walk-in sale, and if you put ninjas in anything, it’s pretty much gonna get bought by some people.”

I immediately recall the scene in the film Ninja III: the Domination where several well-trained shinobi killers throw down and let some blood soak the fairways. This box art is kind of a letdown, though. I can forgive it being a tad plain – I mean, you design a package, get the job done, and go home – but what really bothers me? That isn’t even a Japanese sword, yo. That’s a Chinese K.F. Broadsword.

You should also be more careful stowing your nunchaku. Night play can be a harrowing uphill battle, and losing a good pair of chucks could ruin your round. Not to mention the dubious function and comfort of tabi boots with cleats on the bottom.

Eliminate Down

Soft Vision, 1993

This is fucking stomach-churning. That is a deliberate and carefully-rendered Butthole Worm. A colossal butthole worm, flailing its guts-body around as it gets rocked by laser fire and letting… whatever that is ooze out of its suggestive aperture. Even the screaming piano-toothed alien seems a little shocked. Maybe a little embarrassed. “It’s… not mine. I don’t know… it just… I found it in here.”

The towering articulated cactus-arcology seems tame in comparison. I fail to see how that loveable oaf could hurt a fly. He’s perfectly content swaying in the thermals, passively ingesting space-plankton, and thinking about what having limbs would be like.

He was pretty comfy until Anus-Wyrm busted on the scene with his gaping orifice and his Astroglide drool problem. There goes the magma-ocean.

In February, I make this Good Boy Promise to you, my readers: I will write three articles, and exactly zero of them will be box art. Stay Retro, and as the Great One once said, “be like water, my friends.”