the NYC-based Destryur is likely to be well-known to darksynth fans, having been a part of several NRW releases such as “Night at the Grindhouse” and the “In Search of Darkness” soundtrack.

Figure is a bit newer to the NewRetroWave scene – but he’s no stranger to horror, and is perhaps a more seasoned producer in his own right – having cut his teeth over the past decade in the U.S. bass music scene. His gigantic “We Must Destroy” track was released only just as NewRetroWave was getting it’s start way back in 2011!

Together, this is a fantastic match made in hell for your listening displeasure.

As for this album – “Frightmare” is a brilliant tribute to 70s and 80s horror VHS. Each track title is a reference to a classic horror film, such as “Exorcist,” “Phantasm,” and “Street Trash.” Even the title of the album, “Frightmare,” is a classic horror film as well.

But the coldly calculated concept digs even deeper, as the arrangement and composition of each track seems to be directly inspired by the individual films they’re named after. For example, “Spit on Your Grave” sounds like pure sonic inspiration for revenge – a clear homage to the ultra-graphic 1978 classic “I Spit on Your Grave.” Another example is the frantic bass-splattered “Street Trash”, which is reminiscent of the confusing, splatter-gore filled black comedy flick “Street Trash” from 1987.

Overall, this is a fantastic darksynth / horrorsynth album that should absolutely not be missed! So what are you waiting for? Grab a listen below now!

I don’t even need to say it, but I will… Halloween is on the horizon. Creepy is the current flavor. You can even sort of smell the spooky in the air. Or is that hot wiring and burning plastic? It’s a magical time of year, and not just for adults who like to get drunk in costumes; this is a perfect time to explore the most precarious and mercurial of video gaming’s genres… horror.

There’s a spotty but colorful history inside the history… a scattering of games many of us have never seen or may only have read snippets about on some niche site. Games that never went past domestic in their home country, or were considered too strong in tone for Westerners (that’s a good one…). In any case, I’ve collected a small selection of horror games that may be new to some, but definitely play an often-overlooked role in the history of the hobby.

In ’81, a Taito contract worker named Akira Takiguchi wrote a program for the PET 2001 called Nostromo. As you may guess by the title, the game was strongly inspired by 1979’s Alien. The player must attempt to escape from a spacecraft that has been invaded by an alien monster… that’s completely undetectable unless it is directly in front of you. You must somehow avoid this alien even seeing you, AND rely on limited resources. In fact, in certain scenarios, you won’t have what you need to escape, and have no choice but to simply wait to be eaten. The program was ported to the PC-6001, and in fact the only image related to the game that I could find is that version’s box art. Sadly, I also could not find anything close to an English translation or a modern port.

This is it. This is the box art. Not even too creepy, until you think about it. Think about it materializing in front of you just as you’re reaching an airlock door, and think about what kind of horrible fucking mouthparts it must be hiding beneath those Arthur C Clarke fiber optic dreads.

Another endeavoring horror game that never made it west was Shiryou Sensen: War of the Dead. Produced by Fun Factory in 1987, this game combines horror, RPG, and side-scrolling action elements. Shiryou Sensen features random encounters not unlike how Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest functions; these battles, however, are waged from a side-scrolling perspective similar to that of Zelda II. The management of limited resources (namely ammo) makes the game all the more tense as you attempt to rescue survivors in a town infested by demonic monsters. Released for the MSX, NEC PC-8801, and PC Engine, Shiryou Sensen became part of a successful trilogy – but never left Japan.

Much to my amusement, I also discovered that the 1981 film Evil Dead got the old pixel treatment for the Commodore 64 and the ZX Spectrum in ’85. The overall effect can best be described as “laughable,” and it seems that both contemporary and modern critics elsewhere agree with me. It astounds me that there was any demand for this game four years after the film’s release… but hey, there really is no accounting for taste. One quick browse through prime time TV proves that.

1986 brought us Castlevania, while Splatterhouse came along (actual controversy and all) two years later. Plenty of people were impressed by the latter’s gore and monsters… but you ain’t played shit ’til you’ve gotten your hands on an English translation of 1989’s Sweet Home for the Famicom/NES. It’s hard to accept that Capcom, who produced the cute and friendly Megaman, could have a hand in something so gruesome. In this RPG (created by future Resident Evil maestro Tokuro Fujiwara), your team must try to unravel the mystery of a cursed house through puzzles and fifty-year-old diary entries… all while battling horrible monsters and risking permanent death. Unlike so many RPGs, there are no Phoenix Downs or shrines in Sweet Home… only monsters, melting, and unremitting horror. I’ve swiped a few gifs, since mere stills do this game no honor…

And I could go on from there, but I think we’ve seen enough. These are a few of the games that wait for us, lurking in forgotten corners dark and deep. We will, I hope, fall prey to countless more.

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Good evening, boils and ghouls. I’ve got another crinkling creepfest for you as we tiptoe closer and closer toward that magical last day of October… Halloween. I hope you’ve all got some fun plans. I plan on going as a man who stands on his porch and yells at kids. I’m on a budget this year and already have all the stuff I need for the costume. I did bring some candy, though, so strap in for another Grab Bag.

I went deep diving through the ROM mausoleums and the silent catacombs stacked with floppy disks, hoping to pluck a few motes of dust worth examining. Horror is historically a hit-or-miss genre in video gaming, with the misses only diminishing significantly among computer titles and consoles of the Fifth Gen and newer. I remember playing the NES’s Friday the 13th and being very confused and disappointed, which ended up cosmically balancing out years later when I first played Silent Hill 2 at a friend’s house, in the dark, with a 5.1 Surround Sound system, while I was (in my feral youth) high as hell. It was awesome to be frightened by a game in the same way a good horror film can make you squirm or jump.

Nonetheless, I digress: There were some good eggs before things moved to CD formats and low-poly gore. Several personal computers of the late 80s and 1990s were making leaps and bounds in graphical and audio capabilities, two picturesque examples being the Amiga series and the lovely Japanese-domestic X68000. It is my educated professional opinion (something I could not say in real life without laughing) that the NES was ill-suited for the horror genre with exceedingly few exceptions. Inf act, none come to mind. To support this statement, I’d like to point out that a solid majority of the attempts made at NES horror titles were left in the hands of LJN – the canned-tomato shitbird degenerate gambler among NES development teams. Which leads me to my first game (yes, we’re gonna rag on LJN again, we will never stop)…

Beetlejuice

LJN, 1991

System: NES

Unfortunately, it is not, in any appreciable way, showtime.

I’ll start off with a frank statement, an observation that strikes home like the spanking of a truly furious parent: LJN is responsible for an entire dynasty of early-gen licensed titles whose strongest tie to their source material is the use of said franchise’s trade dress. Their games are like warm, dented tins of ass left in the summer sun as a booby trap; I’d go so far as to say that giving one of LJN’s video games to someone as a gift qualifies under international law as an act of war.

The woeful truth is that, despite being significantly less terrible than LJN’s earlier shit-gobbling train wrecks for the little gray box, Beetlejuice is still this kind of game, in a nutshell – a loosely coherent and surprisingly desolate adaptation of a film that really didn’t have the potential for a good video game in it. The film was released in 1988, but was apparently scooped up in one dangling, errant arm three years later for this purpose. Go figure.

I love the film, is the really crushing part. The dark and irreverent humor, the excellent FX and soundtrack, an all-star cast (including a great role for the late Glenn Shadix, who I sincerely wish had lived longer and done more)… Hey, you remember the part where Beetlejuice leaps around the sheer ravines and cliffs surrounding the Maitlands’ home and stomps on giant bugs repeatedly?

Ladies and gentlemen… this… is Beetlejuice. Unforgivable.

Yeah, I don’t either, but that’s a big part of the video game.

I’ll cede a few bright spots for Beetlejuice’s NES incarnation, though:

1. It has a fun little powerup system that revolves around how your power is to scare the shit out of people, and you can buy uses of these abilities that are kept in a sort of inventory. The one early in the game lets you slough off your flesh and become a skeleton.

2. The game has both side-scrolling and top-down action, similar to the far superior game Super C.

3. While nothing in the implied sequence of events seems to make any sense when compared to the film’s story, The exposition and cut scenes and other fluff at least attempts to suggest that things are going the same way. You are also obviously supposed to be in the same places from the film, however cartoonish and exaggerated they may seem.

Otho gets all Squirrel Nut Zipper on your ass while you look on in dismay… just a skeleton standing fully erect on a high, narrow shelf. I like how EVERY surface looks like it’s covered in fire-orange shag carpet.

This game gets 4/10 from me. It’s really not up to what Beetlejuice deserves (if you’d try to capture the film’s flavor in an 8-bit game in the first place – a dubious choice), but it’s more of a solid attempt than you’d expect out of NES-era LJN. It doesn’t make me less mad at them for Uncanny X-Men, Back to the Future, Wolverine, or that Spider-Man NES game that they should have all gone to prison for… but it did surprise me that it was actually kinda sorta playable. Oh, here’s the soundtrack if you want it… it’s not really good or bad, but the loops are kind of short so it doesn’t make for great active listening.

Fright Night (Microdeal, 1988)

System: Amiga

I had taken a few glimpses at this one, but knew I’d want to save talking about it until October.

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On the one hand, Amiga machines had relatively rich graphics and sound compared to their well-known rivals in the PC market; on the other, I literally never knew one fucking person who owned an Amiga rig until I was in college and met a dude who collected vintage computers. Much like we saw in the X68000 article, a good portion of developers for the Amiga were small-scale or in-house programmers. However, Microdeal was kind of a big deal back in the 1980s-era computer scene. They had earned their stripes writing an impressive library of software for the Tandy CoCo and the British-domestic Dragon 32. As the eternal boxing match went from 8 to 16 bits, Microdeal divided its efforts between adapting its old games for the newer sets and throwing some new stuff out. The latter was a bit more profitable for them, but to make a long story short, they cashed in their chips in the 90s.

But before nailing the coffin shut, they did produce a really interesting game based off the kick-ass 1985 film Fright Night. In a rare (but not unique) twist, you play not as the unlikely hero Charlie Brewster, but as the suave yet monstrous Jerry Dandridge. Jerry prowls his home nightly, killing two birds with one stone as he cleans his domain of pesky vampire-hunters… getting himself a nice multi-course supper in the process. Another example of a 3-year delay on cashing in, this game is a far better product than Beetlejuice for the NES in so many ways that we won’t even get into it.

YOU’RE SO COOL, BREWSTER! Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

I will start with the negative, since it’s really not that overwhelming. The big issue I had with it is that the entire game takes place in Dandridge’s home, and the elements of play really don’t change. Your goals, environment, abilities, and even your victims remain static… it seems almost as if the Fright Night universe gets stuck in some bullshit Dr. Who style time bubble as you kill the same 3-4 people over and over again while prowling the same set of rooms. The monotony is occasionally broken by Dandridge’s unsafe working conditions; there are hands in the floor, and sometimes a tit-ghost will cross paths with you while you’re on the hunt. Occupational hazards of being an undead sex machine, I guess. Despite all, the game is still fun… at least while its shelf life holds up before you get bored of the limited breadth of experience.

Jerry looks embarrassed, but not repentant. Listen dude, maybe if you stopped murdering women and drinking their blood in your house, you wouldn’t have to deal with Jolly Green Tragedies floating around in your hallway.

The graphics are mind-blowing when compared with similar systems of the time period. Jerry’s house is richly appointed and rendered in great detail. I especially dig the wall portraits; Jerry shows pride in his heritage by littering his walls with framed pics of his fellow nightmare creatures. The characters are also well-drawn and their animated reactions to the snarling vampire’s entrance make for some pretty good shit. The game, not unlike the film, has a sense of humor about itself. While the soundtrack can best (and most politely) described as minimalist, the digitized sound contrasts it as another redeeming quality.

I’ll throw Fright Night for the Amiga 6/10. It’s well-produced, bears lush detail, and only falters slightly due to its narrow gameplay style.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (Advanced Communication Co./Bandai, 1988)

System: NES

Sometimes, within the first five minutes of playing a game, you can tell that the men and women responsible for the actual product had far less enthusiasm than the marketing/licensing people who sent out the memo.

“Just… okay, look, Ron. We need to have a goddamn title screen. Trust me, I want done with this as much as you do. You know what’d work? Some heinously curled lettering and… a green monster hand. Just like in the book!”

Let’s talk about the red flags clearly visible in this spiritually numbing jug of cold piss they tried to pass off as a game. Is it based on the 1886 literary horror classic? Uh… it has the same titular character(s). Otherwise, it’s not a story or game… it’s some kind of artistic statement centered around obliterating the dignity and willpower of the hapless player who fumbles into it.

Yeah, one of the obstacles in Dr. Jekyll’s path to wedded bliss is a fat woman in a Franciscan robe who sings at you, and the music notes hurt you. How tongue-in-cheek, how avante-garde, how… revolutionary, to depict a classic piece of early horror literature in the style of Tom & Jerry.

First off, take a look at those graphics. You know what they remind me of, in their style (read: lack thereof)? Those rinky-dink unlicensed Bible-themed and Chinese pirate-published carts that are still mentioned readily by NES fans as possible proof that cutthroat capitalism can put people who are competent at programming into a sweatshop-style environment. Just like Bible Buffet and Grand Dad, this game palpably reeks of the woe inherent in its origin. I bet if you pressed one ear to the cart like a conch shell, you could hear the baleful moaning and the rattling chains. Let’s have it writ plain: IT’S VERY CLEAR THAT THIS NES GAME WAS NOT CRAFTED BY MINDS ONE COULD DESCRIBE AS HAPPY.

The developers did have a pretty innovative idea for continuing the saga of two men in one man: You play as Jekyll, who is on his way to his wedding, on foot. The problem with this plan is that apparently every single man and beast along his route sees Henry Jekyll as a mortal foe who must be viciously murdered at all costs. Every injury not only reduces your vitality but also increases your “Anger Meter.” You know what, if I couldn’t even walk to the church in my hometown without being bitten/shit on/disintegrated by casually-dropped spherical black cartoon bombs… I’d be pissed to. I’d have a “meter.”

If your Anger fills to 100%, you transform into the Incre…. I mean, Mr. Hyde. Inexplicably, this also turns day to night instantly and transmutes your mundane earthly assailants into supernatural monsters, too. You know what you have to do to escape this shadowy realm and turn back into poor Dr. Jekyll?

YOU HAVE TO BRUTALLY KILL EVERY LIVING THING YOU SEE.

Yeah, that’s Hyde on the right-hand side of this dime-store Ninja Gaiden shit. I don’t know what that other thing is. Some kind of ninja fairy with an apocalyptic trumpet. DON’T EVER DO THIS AGAIN BANDAI DO YOU HEAR ME

Doing so reduces your Anger… and when it’s empty, you’re Henry again, and you can keep walking to your wedding, as well as increasingly absurd situations wherein your death or loss of self become constant risks.

This all sounds cool on the surface (despite being more of a Bruce Banner meets Jules Verne thing than any kind of faithful follow-up to the original tale). When you actually PLAY this shit, the cool factor nose-dives and crashes into your soul. I’ve already mentioned that the boxy, sloppy, unimaginative visuals hang heavy. The sound throws a curveball at you by somehow being expertly done and simultaneously being the single most ghastly sensory offense present during play. When the dogs bark, they don’t sound like dogs; the digitized snippet sounds distinctly like a very large man yelling “BIP” at you in the same tone of voice you’d use to caution a child not to touch the stove. There is a bird in the graveyard who constantly strafes back and forth over you, peppering you with what appear to be pre-coiled mounds of brown, non-bird shit. Every time it pulls the trigger on its abomination of an anus, the sound effect sounds like someone petulantly shouting “NOOOOO” through a maxed-out auto-wah pedal off some shoegaze guitarist’s setup. Jekyll & Hyde made me profoundly grateful that NES games do not convey olfactory, tactile, or gustatory stimuli. Who even knows what you’d feel, smell, and taste when you pressed Start on this abusively foul program.

And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. Revelation 19:17-18 That’s definitely just generic cartoon dookie. I never thought cartoon poop would be a sign of the End Times. C’est la vie.

Here’s my parting shot: if I were Jekyll in this game, I’d be postponing the wedding and re-planning it somewhere I didn’t have to play The Running Man to just arrive. It seems like an awfully long distance to walk, with or without the poop-birds, bip-dogs, and dapper bowler-wearing arsonists.

Jekyll & Hyde gets 2/10. This game was like non-consensual hardcore S&M with me as the bottom. The only difference was, instead of getting my balls crushed or my nipples obliterated, this game went straight for my spirit and wrenched me into a state of ego death. And real talk: just the sound the turd pelican makes has me convinced that dead people can see ME while I play it. Bandai, how can you normally be so decent and crisp and clean, then offhandedly hurl a hex like this on the world? What would Kamen Rider think?

Via con diablos, Fright Fans. One more gruesome article coming up before All Hallow’s Eve… Have fun and check your apples for razors.

We are proud to partner up with the good folks at Bloody Disgusting to bring you a Double A side/ B side movie short presentation. Prepare for chilling content. 😉

THE MUCK / MEET

Tony Wash / Adam Roberts

Debuting at the 2014 SXSW Film Festival, Director Tony Wash’s wickedly entertaining The Muck possesses everything you would expect from a filmmaker whose glossy aesthetic is gleaming with 1980’s nostalgia. The Muck benefits from a production team that thoroughly understands the polished, hedonistic specifics of the universe they are rebuilding; the camerawork is fluid, efficient, fastidiously designed, and cold-blooded in its execution, the production design is flawless in its period re-creation, and the score is the epitome of the eclectic, self-indulgent fusion of synths and glam rock that dominated the Reagan-era musical zeitgeist. With a narrative easy to digest, and third-act shocks difficult to predict, The Muck is a slick, shamefully seductive short that is equal parts creature film and horror-thriller – it should do for a soak in the tub what Hitchcock’s Psycho did for the shower.

Also riding the wave of campy, 1980’s sentimentality is Director Adam Roberts – whose dark, unpredictable, one-night-vampire-stand, Meet, stars another Kansas City regular, Stylist Director Jill Gevargizian, and a whole cadre of savvy editing gambits often found in music videos of the era. Roberts keeps the action moving at a brisk pace; he infuses the requisite meet-and-great opening with some real moxie – the 4-quadrant split screen sequence is not only an efficient montage delivery system, its a nice nod to the gonzo showmanship that MTV pioneered. Meet’s New Wave soundtrack is retro enough to be evocative, repetitive enough to be memorable, and the two leads keep things titillating without obligatory exposition. Although the denouement just lets the bloodlust simmer, our anticipation for skin boils over; if nothing else, the film is a sexy, shrewd hustle.

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the combination of synth and gore below!!!!

Both shorts rated R for Risque!

A bit more about the directors

Tony Walsh

1. – Name, location (state and country/province, etc.)

Tony Wash, Illinois USA

2. – How long have you been making movies?

I shot my first feature in 2005 so 11 years professionally.

3. – Favorite horror film

John Carpenter’s The Thing. But Alien is a close second.

4. – Who is a filmmaker you admire?

John Carpenter. He’s made some amazing films in multiple genres and he shows filmmakers like me that you can get screwed by this industry and still bounce back.

5. – Why did you get into making horror movies?

I’ve always loved horror. As a kid I read all the scary books I could and watched all the black and white monster movies. The love stuck with me as I got older and as I discovered all the classics of the 70s and 80s I decided it was something I wanted to do too.

6. – If you could remake any horror movie, which would it be?

Night of the Creeps.

7. – Do you have anything new you’d like to promote or do you have anything in development currently?

I produced and directed the grind house feature “High on the Hog” starring Sid Haig, which should be available next year and I have a creature flick called “The Rake” which should be out next year as well.

8. – What is it about WOD that appealed to you when you joined its community?

I didn’t join the community, I created it haha. Strength in numbers simply put. I felt it would be easier for us all to promote our work if we were all doing it together.

9. – Website link if any?

Scotchworthy.com

You can also find Scotchworthy Productions on Facebook.

Adam Roberts

1. – Name, location (state and country/province, etc.) Adam Roberts, Kansas City, MO 2. – How long have you been making movies? 15 years this year.

3. – Favorite horror film Suspiria

4. – Who is a filmmaker you admire? Denis Villeneuve, my favorite working director but for horror I’d say John Carpenter.

5. – Why did you get into making horror movies? Movies were my escape as a child of divorce. My parents both would let me see whatever and rent whatever I wanted from the video store. So, I saw everything I could get my hands on at an early age and fell in love with movies which translated quickly to me writing then wanting to direct and here we are now.

6. – If you could remake any horror movie, which would it be? Let’s Scare Jessica to Death. It’s such an insane film one that I think would benefit from a modern retelling. I would absolutely keep the final act and twist the same. The rest would play on mental illness and healing from the main character as we walk the line of insanity vs. reality.

7. – Do you have anything new you’d like to promote or do you have anything in development currently? I’m working on putting the pieces together for my first feature film. It’s a haunted house film of sorts that I’ve been working on for almost 5 years. Other than that I’m working with my writing partner, Eric Havens on developing a fun TV project that we hope to announce soon.

8. – What is it about WOD that appealed to you when you joined its community? I really like the idea of a community of filmmakers working together, even if not technically together, to make and share horror.

Then there’s a little series that came on HBO in 1989 and opened it all up into a bloody mess… Tales from the Crypt.

The original brain-seed for the series was one of a set of comic book series from the 1950s; Tales from the Crypt ran 27 bi-monthly issues from 1950 to 1955 that broke rules even back then. In fact, Bill Gaines (The publisher, who ran EC Comics, the imprint under which the horror comics were produced) was among those called to testify in the highly-publicized 1954 Senate Subcommittee hearings that resulted in the Comics Code Authority we know today. While gone, the comic was far from forgotten, and had a lasting influence on a generation of future storytellers. Publisher Russ Cochran has overseen several reprints of the original EC line, and EC itself eventually doubled down on another title in its repertoire… MAD Magazine.

This is the issue where Crime Patrol went completely out the window and starting being about werewolves and shit. History, needless to say, was made.

It’s worth noting that, in 1972, Amicus Films produced a Tales from the Crypt movie. While it isn’t incredible, it’s still pretty good, and stars Peter Cushing, Joan Crawford, and has Ralph Richardson as the Crypt Keeper. The film was a modest success; it spawned a sequel (named after another EC horror title, Vault of Horror) in 1973. For a good while afterward, the crypt was quiet. The dead slept.

Cushing as the undead Mr. Grimsdyke, Richardson as the Crypt Keeper, and the typically cheesy 70s-style titles of the 1972 film.

Then suddenly, in mid-1989, commercials began to air on pay-cable channel HBO…

I still remember these commercials chilling my young blood. My first sight of the undead host had me both horrified and fascinated… I could barely stand to look into his perfect blue eyes, but I had to know more.

On the left, you have the Crypt Keeper as he appeared from 1950 to 1955 in the comics. On the right, you have him in 1989 on the TV show. Clearly, 34 years can do a lot.

The Crypt Keeper was designed and built by Kevin Yagher, a special FX artist famous for his work on Nightmare on Elm Street 2 though 4, Child’s Play, and other horror blockbusters. The puppet required a team of puppeteers to operate, including a rig to handle the intricate facial movements that made him seem all too real. The voice of the undead storyteller was provided by John Kassir, a talented voice actor whose work you’ve definitely heard if you’ve ever watched cartoons. Kassir adopted a high, rich but reedy tone for the Crypt Keeper’s speech, providing an odd touch of class while remaining insidious. The end result had long lasting psychological impact on me as a kid; I found the Crypt Keeper both terrifying and fascinating due to how real he seemed, how lifelike the movements of his dead face and body looked.

Left to Right: Puppeteer Brock Winkless showing off the electronics used for manipulating CK’s ghastly facial movements; a diagram showing how his body was animated; and his creator, Kevin Yagher, creeping in for a selfie with the decayed horror host.

This isn’t to say the content of the show itself wasn’t also amazing. There are plenty of episodes that come off as corny, but even those have value; what truly stand out are the episodes with all-star casts that tell memorable stories and contain innovative film work or FX. I’d like to note that while the ones I mention are my favorites, they are far from the only ones worth seeing; I advise anyone who hasn’t had a look to seek out the DVDs or Blu-Rays… and a little bird told me some episodes might be on YouTube… there are few episodes that don’t have something to like.

My man was a big star for a while. He had his own TV show for 7 seasons, rubbed elbows with celebrities, and even had an action figure made in his likeness. But stars have the farthest to fall. Still… that is a killer tux. Unknown Hinson either loaned that to him or is envious of it. I’ll bet anything on that.

Season 1 starts off slow, with a few real clunkers, but two episodes deserve notice. One is actually the very first episode, “The Man Who Was Death.” It stars William Sadler as the man who pulls the switch in a penitentiary’s Death Row; he loses his job due to the repeal of the death penalty and decides to keep doing his work freelance. The episode is excellent not only for Sadler’s top-notch performance, but because it sets the tone for many tales to come; Without spoiling too much, the executioner gets his just desserts in a truly ironic twist of events. “And All Through the House” is another noteworthy episode, starring Mary Ellen Trainor (the mom from Goonies) as an unscrupulous wife who kills her husband, with the legendary and late Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as the psycho Santa who interrupts her insidious plan. These two episodes set the bar for the series moving forward.

Season 2’s most notable episode is “The Switch,” directed by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger himself. William Hickey plays an old millionaire who is deeply infatuated with a beautiful young lady (played by 80s-90s bombshell Kelly Preston). He has a doctor replace parts of his body with those of a young man named Hans when the young lady claims to like fit men; Once he’s bankrupted himself to gain the bodybuilder’s form, she decides she’s attracted to money instead… and walks off with the now-shriveled bodybuilder, who has the millionaire’s body… and his millions. Schwarzenegger makes a cameo appearance in the Crypt Keeper segments, starting a trend that would continue as stars occasionally hammed it up with the old corpse. Episode 14, “Lower Berth,” tells a tale of circus freaks, love, violence… and the origin of a certain famous horror host… It isn’t particularly innovative or memorable on its own, but “Lower Berth” is still noteworthy for more great FX work.

Yes, that’s a baby Crypt-Keeper. Yes, this one’s based on a story from the comics where they find a baby Crypt Keeper. And yes… this was a choice they made.

The series began to hit its stride in Season 3, and three episodes immediately came to mind that show how versatile Tales from the Crypt was becoming in terms of the stories told. “Carrion Death” features Kyle MacLachlan as an escaped convicted killer, an unusual but well-played role for him. He and the police officer who tries to bring him in (George DelHoyo) are the only characters seen onscreen… unless you count the vultures in the desert that serves as the episode’s grim setting. “Yellow,” one of my favorite episodes, could well be considered one of the best in the entire series. Set during World War I (Specifically 1918), this episode is less horror than it is a wartime morality play. Kirk Douglas plays a general whose son (Eric Douglas) is a lieutenant under him during some of the war’s worst trench fighting. Sadly, the apple has fallen far from the tree, and the general must face the humiliating truth that his son is a coward. Lance Henriksen and Dan Aykroyd play supporting roles, and I don’t need to tell you that the acting is superb throughout. One could even consider it supplemental viewing for the WWI drama Paths to Glory, also starring Kirk Douglas. “The Reluctant Vampire” stars Malcolm MacDowell as a bloodsucker who gets his fix by working as the night watchman at a blood bank. The episode also stats George Wendt (Cheers) as the blood bank manager and Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) as Dr. Rupert van Helsing. It’s a bit more of the black humor than the horror, but the episode is charming and hard not to enjoy.

Season 4 continues the hit parade, and its sixth episode, “What’s Cookin,” stars Christopher Reeve, Judd Nelson, and Meal Loaf in a story about a restaurant owner’s quest to find the perfect dish… at any costs. “Split Personality” features Joe Pesci as a con-man who pursues a pair of knockout twins by pretending to be a pair of twins himself. Let’s just say it doesn’t work out for him, and he finds himself torn between the lovely girls! “Werewolf Concerto” plays out a lot like a good mystery, eventually pitting a monstrous lycanthrope (Timothy Dalton) against a clever vampiress (Beverly D’Angelo) at its conclusion. This episode also stars Dennis Farina, Reginald VelJohnson, and even Wolfgang Puck as the other guests at the resort where the monster battle goes down.

The fifth season has less to offer overall, but contains two episodes worth discussing. The first, “Death of Some Salesmen,” is a testament to the versatility and talent of an actor some of us may be familiar with… one Tim Curry. Curry plays all three members of a deranged family who kidnap and eventually serve twisted justice to a crooked salesman played by Ed Begley Jr. Not only is the performance by Tim Curry the stuff of legend, but the camerawork is excellent as well, deftly maintaining the illusion that these are three separate people and not one amazingly talented actor. A cameo by Yvonne DeCarlo (The Munsters) caps this off as another of my favorites in the series. Also notable is “Oil’s Well That Ends Well,” a crime story about a set of swindlers who really have it in for each other over a bit of bubbling crude. One of them has a distinctive laugh you may have heard in the series… in fact, you’ve heard it often.

Season 6 and 7 are when Tales from the Crypt began its decline; there were still episodes worth watching, but they became fewer and further between. One is Season 6’s “You, Murderer,” which stars John Lithgow, Isabella Rossellini, Sherilyn Fenn… and Humphrey Bogart. The FX crew didn’t need a shovel or a necromancer to put Bogie onscreen; the episode was an experiment in then-blossoming digital video technology. We see Bogart’s face through reflections in mirrors, glass, and elsewhere… but barely do we ever see things outside his own point of view, which is how the story is framed. It’s all done very skillfully, and remains an excellent example of good digital film work to this day. Lastly, Season 7 contains the only animated episode, “The Third Pig,” a much more… well, adult retelling of the classic “three little pigs” story. The antagonist, the Big Bad Wolf, is voiced by none other than Bobcat Goldthwait.

TFTC also put its name on a trio of films; two are pretty decent and one is absolutely terrible. Demon Knight, released by Universal in 1995, features William Sadler as a good guy this time, a nearly-immortal soldier keeping a sacred vial of blood safe from demons who want to rule the Earth. Billy Zane plays the human-seeming leader of these evil creatures as they lay siege to an old hotel Sadler’s character has been cornered inside of. Jada Pinkett plays the young woman who eventually inherits the guardianship and ends the demon problem… for the time being. While it isn’t a classic at any rate, Demon Knight is worth a watch, and has some great FX as well as a few solid scares.

Billy Zane as the most charming demon you’ll ever meet. Zane easily steals the show, as evidenced in this supercut of his performance for the film.

Bordello of Blood (1996) is about vampire whores, and stars Dennis Miller as a private investigator trying to get to the bottom of a young man’s disappearance. Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon also star in the bizarre black comedy film. Aubrey Morris plays a secondary role as the mortician whose business conceals the bloodsucker brothel, and the vampires are led by none other than 90s model-actress Angie Everheart. Everheart’s performance is decidedly wooden, but everyone else does a fantastic job making this one fun. Miller’s style of comedy is admittedly not everyone’s taste, but his co-stars make up for him by playing decent foils to his constant referential comedy. All said and done, this one bombed at the box office.

This shot typifies the movie. Angie Everheart delivers some flat-as-a-board line in her best “sexy” voice and Dennis Miller replies with something… very Dennis Miller. There is a badass vampire-destruction sequence (NSFW – TITS) in the middle and the FX are better than okay, but audiences didn’t care for this one.

Ritual (2002) started off not even bearing the TFTC imprint. RKO’s final film, it stars Tina Grey (Dirty Dancing) and Tim Curry in a clumsy jaunt through medicine, money, and the supernatural. Grey plays a medical professional who loses her license and takes a job on an island as a young man’s nurse. She comes to suspect, over time, that he is under someone else’s influence. Universal and Miramax bandied back and forth about who would own and release this movie, and if the Tales from the Crypt dressing would even grace it… the end result is a set of endcaps hosted by an incredibly shitty version of the puppet. He looks horrible, moves horribly, and even sounds horrible because of the affected accent. It’s an atrocity. It makes me sad that this was the note RKO died on.

All I’m going to show you is the cover of the DVD release, and even that’s a goddamn disaster. If you insist on hurting yourself, I’m pretty sure this one’s on YouTube, and the owners of the intellectual property don’t give a shit because they know they created a masochist’s playground.

In July of 1996, TFTC was canceled. It was felt, perhaps rightfully, that the show had run its due course. The franchise lingered on for a while; there was a childrens’ version of the show (and an accompanying line of action figures), a Nickelodeon-style game show, and even a radio show in 2000 for Seeing Ear Theater. The Crypt Keeper hosted a couple events, notably 2013’s New Years Eve celebration on FEARnet (warning, pathetic)… but he wasn’t his old self. The wonders of the original puppet were lost, replaced by a cheap and toylike mannequin that barely moved.

Speaking of toys… this guy’s been with me since I was 11. When I go places, sometimes I pack him for good luck. And oh boy… has he been places. Also, shut up, the bathroom has the best lighting for shitty photos taken with a cell phone.

But let’s not remember that. Let’s remember the music video that shows him ogling a woman’s ass and using turntables.

Left to right: CK and Tom Hanks wonder what it must be like to be Tom Hanks; Whoopi stops in on CK’s talk show to set him straight; Arnold tries to put some meat on those old bones, to no avail.

Let’s remember one of CK’s trademarks: His terrible, awful puns.

Thanks for reading, Fright Fiends! October’s still got plenty of chills and thrills for the RetroMonster in all of you. Beware the full moon…

Once every century, a hoary old castle seems to arise from nowhere. In its shadow come devastation and wickedness. It is the eternal home of the most terrifying fiend ever to wear a cape, the Prince of Darkness himself… Dracula.

It’ll take one pissed-off man with a whip to defeat the Dark Prince. No, I don’t mean Indiana Jones.

Simon Belmont, our hero. (from the Japanese manual)

Castlevania was released as Akumajo Dracula for the Famicom in 1986, coming to the American NES in 1987 and hitting Europe in early ’88. The game is considered by many to be a classic on par with Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda. One of the most memorable and entertaining titles Konami ever released for any platform, the game spawned a lengthy saga spanning from the 8 bit era to the modern age.  There will be a noticeable bias throughout this article, dear reader; you see, there is no denial on my part that the Castlevania series is my absolute favorite. I waited patiently until now, and I’m very happy to be discussing the flagship title in the series now.

                                      I don’t think it matters if you ring the bell, Simon. Go on in.

While the plotline thickens further down the line of this game series, the story of the original is pretty simple. Dracula’s castle as resurfaced, and you, Simon Belmont, must put the King of the Vampires back to rest by finding him in the castle’s tower. What no one told you (but you probably knew anyway) is that Drac’s invited all his buddies over and thrown a sort of perpetual monster party on the castle grounds. Thankfully, you’ve got some firepower in the form of a mystical whip. Called Vampire Killer, this whip has been passed down the Belmont line for the express purpose of gate-crashing Dracula’ s shit and sending him back to oblivion.

                                                A map of the castle (from the Japanese manual).

The Belmont family also has a strange run of luck when it comes to whipping candles; instead of getting wax everywhere, they tend to uncover little hearts and sometimes even powerups. The hearts act as “Ammunition” for a set of sub-weapons that will help you cleave a path through the denizens of the castle. These include a high-arcing axe, a cross-like boomerang that you can use to double-hit an enemy, and holy water that (if placed optimally) can really tear a monster a new one by doing continuous harm. There is another sub-weapon, a stopwatch that will halt all enemies in their tracks for a few seconds… except for the more powerful ones.  In addition to the weapons, you can also find Roman numerals “II” and “III” which allow you to throw more sub-weapons at a time. Combining this with the holy water is actually devastating to certain bosses; you can use multiple holy waters to freeze them in ongoing agony while also spanking them with the whip. This is also a lot of loot lying around – bags of money, even crowns and stuff. Some of it’s in the candles, and some of it’s hidden. If you get badly hurt, try hitting the walls. Dracula left you some meat in there. Not only is this true, but the meat also replenishes a good chunk of lost health. Unfortunately, it is rare and scattered throughout the game in walls.

A brief rundown of the shit Dracula’s left all over his house for you to murder him with. (American manual)

And if ever a set of enemies would have a gamer hitting the walls, it would be the ones living inside Dracula’s nightmarish castle. There are your standard bats and skeletons and even some mermen as you traverse the first set of rooms, and they’re even guarded by a gigantic vampire bat, but it gets even more frustrating later on. There are some types, like the Medusa heads, that just never stop flying at you in a wavy, hard-to-dodge pattern. Little hunchbacks that jump around like total assholes, skeletal dragons that grow out of walls, incredibly durable suits of animated armor that hurl axes… it gets so thick eventually that giant birds are dropping the little hunchbacks on you from above.

Above: The gallery of pain. Click on an image to see a slightly bigger version.

Some of the bosses are a joke, but you still have to watch yourself. Sometimes it’s a matter of skipping sub-weapons you find to keep the right one equipped. For instance, any boss that flies can be nailed good with holy water; wait until it flies near a floor, then cover the floor in holy water while whipping away. This is harder to pull off on the Grim Reaper than it is on Medusa, because the Grim Reaper’s constantly surrounded by flying scythes. The first floor’s giant bat guardian is easier if you use the axe, since it’s usually above you. Some of the other ones, like the twin mummies or Frankenstein’s Monster (paired up with one of those SON OF A BITCH hunchbacks), will give you a pulse-pounding challenge regardless of what you bring to the party. As for Old Drac himself, his first form isn’t too hard. He teleports from one end of the room to another, throwing small fireballs toward you. Once you knock his block off, he mutates into a surprisingly scary-looking demon and leaps at you until you finish him off. You are then treated to a parody credit-roll with puns on the names of famous horror actors.

The graphics in Castlevania aren’t anything groundbreaking, but they’re very good. There’s not much guessing what anything’s supposed to be, and while the color depth isn’t much to write home about, the enemies and background are detailed enough to bring about that creepy horror atmosphere. What really stands out Castlevania (both this game and the whole franchise) is the music. Kinuyo Yamashita and Satoe Terashima composed the score, which is considered by VG music nerds to be an example of how to write a brilliant game soundtrack. “Heart of Fire” is probably my favorite track, but every piece of music in the score is a work of art. This would go on to ring true (to varying degrees) throughout the series.

Two sequels were made for the NES: Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest in 1987, and Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse in 1989. They arrived in the USA in ’89 and ’92 respectively. Both games stayed true to the original in terms of gameplay, but contained expanded concepts that made the game nonlinear or added RPG-style elements to gameplay. As most fans know, the series went on to span several generations of console, including the amazing games Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow for Nintendo’s newer handhelds. These feature the near-future protagonist Soma Cruz as he fights to put Dracula’s castle back inside an eclipse.  These games’ play style is modeled directly after the PS1 title Symphony of the Night, another milestone in the Castlevania series where you play Dracula’s son Alucard.

But those we will save for another dark and stormy night (soon)! I give the original Castlevania eight stars out of ten. It’s a classic, it’s got just the right difficulty level to be truly engaging, and there’s nothing like beating Dracula’s head off with a whip.

Here’s a f*cking insane speed run.

Here’s a great article on the chronological storyline of the whole series.

Here is a great place to learn all kinds of stuff about the games, the series, and anything related to the franchise.

Happy Halloween, RetroMonsters!

 Do you remember this gem? Does anyone remember this short lived series based on the Wes Craven horror franchise? Well I do. And it was awesome.

                Freddy’s Nightmares: A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series was an anthology series featuring different individual stories; each episode being a two-tier story, with the second half focusing on a character that played a minor role in the previous role. The show’s host and sometimes episodic antagonist was Freddy Krueger. He’d appear like other horror anthology hosts, supplying short monologues, puns and hints at the night’s story.

                The pilot episode was directed by Tobe Hooper, and begins with Freddy Krueger’s prosecution on child-murdering charges ending in a mistrial due to the discovery that his arresting officer did not read Freddy his Miranda rights. A mob of parents eventually corners Freddy in a boiler room (his workplace), leading to him being torched by the police officer, dying and gaining his familiar visage.

            Some of the featured actors who went on to later become notable were: Robin Antin (The Pussycat Dolls), Morris Chestnut, Mariska Hargitay, Eva LaRue, Phill Lewis, John Cameron Mitchell, Bill Moseley, Lori Petty, Brad Pitt. Other notable guest stars featured in the series were: Timothy Bottoms, Jeffrey Combs, Jeff Conaway, Mary Crosby, Ellen Albertini Dow, Tony Dow, Diane Franklin, Richard Gautier, Tamara Glynn, Bob Goen, Tiffany Helm, Joyce Hyser, David Lander, George Lazenby, Lar Park Lincoln, Dick Miller, Susan Oliver, Jay Thomas, Tracey Walter, Jill Whitlow and more.

            There has never been a DVD release of the series apart from two episodes being included on a Nightmare on Elm Street Blu-Ray collection in 2011.

            NBC’s Chiller network at one time aired short marathons of the series but stopped in 2011. However, EL REY network has acquired the rights to the series in 2015.

            Originally titled the Hatchet Murders, Deep Red or Profondo Rosso was a major critical and international success and the first collaboration between Dario Argento with progressive rock group Goblin.

            Deep Red is an Italian giallo murder mystery following a jazz pianist and teacher deeply embroiled in the murder investigation of a psychic medium after she is brutally attacked and murdered in her apartment. Starring: Macha Meril, David Hemmings, Gabriele Lavia, Daria Nicolodi, Clara Calamai, and Glauco Mauri. From Rizzoli Films and directed by legendary Italian director Dario Argento with music from GOBLIN.

            The perfect Halloween movie for you retro lovers because before SUSPIRIA there was Deep Red; A prized possession in anyone’s dvd collection and one of my personal favorite slasher films. This was the first true example of what Argento was capable of. The use of colors, visual imagery, cinematography, and of course music would become signature characteristics of the master of the macabre. This film has everything you need.

Co-writer Bernardino Zapponi said the inspiration for the murder scenes came from Argento and himself thinking of painful injuries to which the audience could relate. Basically, not everyone knows the pain of being shot by a gun, but almost everyone has at some point accidentally struck furniture or been scalded by hot water. The close-up shots of the killer’s hands, clad in black leather gloves, were performed by director Dario Argento himself.

            This was also the first collaboration with Daria Nicolodi, who later became his wife and frequent recipient of his most notorious on-screen murders, as well a co-writer on Suspiria.

            Although not as layered or cerebral as his later film Tenebrae (1982) Deep Red plays out like the M. Night Shyamalan film that we are happy M. Night will never direct or ruin. In other words the film is straight to your face with a meat cleaver and as graceful as a killer wearing black gloves.

            Deep Red has been very well received by critics. It currently holds a 95% approval rating on movie review aggregator website Rotten Tomatoes based on twenty-two reviews.

            Multiple versions of the film exist on DVD and VHS, in large part due to the fact that Argento removed twenty-six minutes (largely scenes between Nicolodi and Hemmings) from the film, footage that was never dubbed in English. For years, it was assumed that the film’s American distributors were responsible for removing said scenes, but the recent Blue Underground Blu-ray release containing the US version of the film (which is referred to as “The Director’s Cut”) and the original edit (referred to as “Uncut” and contains option to watch it in either language) confirmed that Argento oversaw and approved the edits to the film.

            Therefore, let’s start our retro Halloween season with a scream and watch Dario Argento’s classic Deep Red.

            Stay fit. Stay nocturnal. Stay elegant. Stay alive, all you cute little somebodies and keep your fingers on that rewind button.

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