Scientists claim that we’re currently doing a reasonable job at a mass extinction but not nearly as good as the huge rock that struck Mexico around 65 million years ago. Regardless of what the top five extinctions tell us, the planet is fine, always has been, probably always will be. It appears to have a fairly nonchalant response when it comes to mass extinction. Before you start frantically commenting on why a mass extinction is bad, if they had never taken place, today we would not have sharks and cars, two of my favourite things.

Corvette Mako Shark

That being said, we have to enjoy our short but sweet time here and so far we’ve been pretty busy. Thankfully for me, fellow curious human beings make movies about sharks and cars. Obviously I’m not here to talk about sharks but I was thinking about my favourite retro motors in movies.

Without doubt in my mind Anton Furst’s Batmobile is one of the coolest retro on screen motors of all time. His design work on the bleak metropolis of Gotham was second to none and to have produced a very striking and timeless Batmobile was no mean feat. With inspirations from war machines, aircraft and art deco styling, the final result was the perfect driving machine for a super goth. Batman was charismatic and cool back then, the car was purely an extension of that. With a turbine driving the midnight black machine, it looked every bit intimidating as it did sexy, with its winged rear end and the aircraft like cockpit in the centre.

Twin browning machine guns mounted at the front, armour plating and a grappling hook, need I say more?

The Bat Bastard

In George Millers depiction of the future in Mad Max, a massive percentage of everything has died (Probably including sharks) with the exception of humans and cars. Not just any cars though, modified beasts with armour, guns, spikes and flamethrowers. Whilst there is something refreshing about a world without the Nissan leaf, tax returns, governments and police. The world in which Max lives is rather bleak and unforgiving. What better way to see the day through than mowing down members of a tyrannical biker gang with an armoured, nitro fuelled V8, a Ford Falcon to be exact.

The interceptor was the product of Barry, the seemingly mentally challenged mechanic in Mad Max. Despite his impairment he was quite handy with a spanner and put together what is arguably the meanest looking vehicle for a protagonist. “She’s the last V8, she sucks Nitro!”.

I could go on and mention all the most obvious super star cars, The Back to the Future DeLorean, Ecto 1 or the five hundred bond cars but as a car guy, I think we should all take a moment to remember those unsung heroes of the big screen. Those cars that got people from A-B or a car you saw only for a few seconds before it was blown up by an overzealous director. Knowing what kind of money these relics go for now, I watch some scenes through my fingers.

Take the Ford LTD for example. A large lumbering “yank tank” from as far back as the 60’s, which, in all of it’s variations, ran until the end of the 80s. If you’ve seen any films within this era, you’ve seen many of these land boats smashing into other cars, people, chasing criminals dressed as a smokey or simply driving entire families around in it’s vast expanse of an interior.

For the fans of the synthwave community I guess the go to movie is The Terminator. Kyle Reece came from a future war and needed some muscle. What better vehicle to steal than a sixteen foot long, two and a half ton V8 sedan. With a 0-60mph that could be measured on a sundial, 12 mpg and all the handling of an abused shopping cart, I guess the only bonus was that it was incredibly comfortable. The sheer size and weight was probably Kyle’s saving grace, because if Sarah Conner was born in Europe, Kyle would have stolen a Fiat and subsequently the Austrian death machine would have picked it up and thrown them in the sea.

In a sort of car “cos-play” the Ford LTD has been most memorable in retro movies as the Crown Victoria, in fleet use they were used for primarily police or taxi markets. Again you may remember it as the cop car used to getaway from the T1000 in Terminator 2, similar cruisers in Universal Soldier or from the hundreds of scenes of taxi rides in your favourite movies. The LTD is truly an on screen icon, from action films to crime thrillers, the LTD was stuntman, sidekick, for good guys and bad guys.

Throughout the 70s and 80’s car wrecking was a big draw for Hollywood. Ron Howards Grand Theft Auto (now overshadowed by the multi million dollar gaming franchise) was a wrecking-fest. Dozens of cars, now considered cherished automotive icons, were rolled, crushed and launched into untimely deaths.

If you want to see some of the best chases and stunts, check out Junk Man. Henry Blight Halicki, nickname, Junkman. A stuntman, director and a bit of a lunatic. Using his own vast collection of vehicles, he wrote and starred in Gone in 60 seconds, Junkman and also made a sequel to Gone in 60 seconds, aptly named Gone in 60 seconds 2.

Grab a copy and some popcorn and enjoy some automotive carnage!

This months Retro Motors looks back at some of the best cartoon vehicles. Again the 80’s and early 90’s were the host to an abundance of all action vehicular combat based cartoons; ranging from the absolutely absurd, to some of the finest animated work to date. Taking a look over what people consider “The best cartoons” today, it’s clear to see that we have moved away from the more classic storytelling and instead opted for balls out, physiologically unsettling and surreal. Back then it was good vs evil, David vs Goliath, man vs machine- or a mix of all three. Not only did the majority of these cartoons tell of a great adventure or explore some primal instincts but they also looked damn cool.

A group I wholeheartedly feel should exist in real life is M.A.S.K (Mobile Armoured Strike Command). If money were no object I’d mobilise a team akin to M.A.S.K and chase ivory poachers with a flying Camaro that shoots rockets. People like Elon Musk think they’re doing the world a favour by producing silent cars and an underground tunnel, but I feel if I was wealthy enough, people would much rather watch a live feed of me in a flying Camaro bombing Japanese whaling boats.

Thunderhawk

No list of the coolest cartoon vehicles could end without mentioning Transformers, although my favourite robot was not only a bad guy but was never a vehicle in the first place. Sound wave, for me, always stood out for the fact he decided to talk through a vocoder and his arsenal consisted of a massive cannon and weaponised cassette tapes.

Yet no other cartoon character made such an impact on me than Optimus Prime. I seem to remember entering a Video Nest here in the UK and choosing a film for Friday night with my dad. From Thundercats to HE MAN, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors to Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles. What could go wrong with a full feature length film about these mighty metal heros? Optimus Prime could go wrong, that’s what.

Optimus Prime

There are some people who still believe that certain human beings, deceased yet period correct, still wander the earth as ghosts. It is believed that certain spectral entities come back with such tasks as moving trinkets, walking without purpose or simply switching on and off the lights. They may be one of the most underwhelming myths of the natural world but the Ghostbusters on the other hand are real and the film is a masterpiece. The Real Ghostbusters was the name of the animated series and what a series it was- exploring further into the characters whilst retaining all the fun and bizarre ghost stories of New York City.

Ecto 1 is a Cadillac- in case you didn’t know. Miller-Meteor, the famous coach builder, designed and manufactured modified versions for businesses who required a classy looking vehicle as big a boat. It had been used as an ambulance-come-hearse in some states of America and became infamous when it starred in the Ghostbusters film. The unforgettable wail of the siren and the bright colour scheme are as iconic as that silver car from Back To The Future.

Ecto 1

The best Batmobile has been and gone when Michael Keaton drove it back in 1989. Long, black, sleek and sexy, complete with mounted guns, turbine and armour plating. Since then the Batmobile has gone from looking like it runs the city, to something that looks like Super-Goth is trying to compensate.

A little later in 1992 Batman the animated series was launched. A beautifully animated, well scripted; timeless, moving comic, also featuring its very own Batmobile. In keeping with the gothic art deco style of the series, the Batmobile of this era is a brutal looking, four wheeled slab of a car. Housing what appears to be a monstrous V12 and with all the essential gadgets like teargas, bullet proof armour and missiles. The dark deco style was inspired by Tim Burton’s work and in my opinion deserves a live action version someday, if only to see the car for real.

The Batmobile

Not exactly a cartoon, more like an animated schizophrenic episode- Akira is an extraordinary masterpiece of technical ability, eccentric storytelling and cult imagery. Any New Retro Wave fan will tell you, the Neo-Tokyo setting is an unnerving mix of real world imagery and sci-fi elements that blend in such a brutal way, it’s going to leave a mark.

My lasting memory of the film however was not the face melting fight sequences but the bike. Kaneda is a young teen with a bad attitude. He’s also the leader of a biker gang who take no shit when it comes to the open road. His chosen chariot is renowned even before you get to see it. Rumour has it this thing was a 200mph, electronically driven sports bike. Whatever it is, it’s one of the coolest animated vehicles to date. Some die hard fans of the franchise have spent thousands creating exact replicas. It has even inspired Honda to create something that closely resembles Shotaro Kaneda’s iron horse.

Kaneda’s bike

These vehicles were at first animated, then became toys and now in some cases would become a reality. I may not be able to have my very own Batmobile but I’ve always thought cars and bikes bring adventure and can become a very real emotional attachment. I hope that even with the decline of fossil fuel burning vehicles, we could see a revival of memorable characters and and equally as memorable vehicular concepts.