If you were born and raised in any period from the 70s to the 90s, odds are that you had some fantastic cartoons on your television. Odds are even greater that you had one you loved especially. One you never missed if you could help it. One that you would hum the theme song to or daydream about in school. If not, then I envy you. Life in a cave must have been amazing too.

Mine was a little tale about a place called Eternia, where swords and magic met technology and one ripped-as-fuck hero fought tooth and nail to keep a buff, angry skeleton from ruling the world. Not Predator. That’s a horror movie. I’m talking about He-Man, the superhuman punk-destroying pillar of righteousness who has endured as a pop culture icon for 37 years so far.

I was fascinated by He-Man and the Masters of the Universe as a kid, since I was perhaps three years old. I watched most of it on syndication, but I was devoted. The toys, the books, all of it. I even had a sort of pup-tent that went over my bed frame bearing the logo and likeness of the Blonde One himself.

The real story of Eternia began, surprisingly, in 1976. Mattel was in the throes of a classic struggle that many toy buff and kids would insist continues today: The search for the next big action figure line. Lots or R&D, along with some concepts similar to He-Man (that didn’t go far commercially) led up to the final product in 1981. Instead of “Masters of the Universe,” the toy line was meant to be called “Lords of Power,” but members of the team suggested that might sound “too religious in nature.” I guess I see what they meant, but have you ever been to the Church of the Lords of Power? I haven’t. It sounds awesome. Odd nitpicking aside, Mattel was ready to ride into battle. In 1982 the toys hit the shelves, and on September 5^th, 1983 the episode “Diamond Ray of Disappearance” aired on television. He-Man had hit the big time, and history was made.

Diamond Ray of Disappearance, the very first episode to air. Enjoy.

The cartoon incarnation of He-Man was made by Filmation, a production company that did both live-action and animated programming for TV. Founded in 1962, the folks at Filmation had serious experience, serious chops, and a fantastic end product. The show ran for 163 episodes, which his a testament to the impact it made on its audiences.

Let’s start with this sick fucking intro. I mean, just the music alone – a chest-welling, uplifting rock-orchestra piece worthy of a galactic superbowl – is colossal in its weight and cheeseburgery beefiness. Then here comes Prince Adam, a guy who is built like a brick shit-house and yet somehow convinces everyone that he’s the biggest pussy on Eternia. I mean, he does still live with his mom and dad… but it’s a little different when your parents are monarchs. “Fabulous secrets” were revealed to him, however, and so he can turn both himself and his pet giant cat into total, rampaging badasses by calling on the power of Castle Greyskull.

The source of the aforementioned “fabulous secrets.”

Not a bad thing to have in your back pocket when you have shitty neighbors; the evil sorcerer Skeletor craves not only the secrets of Greyskull, but rule over Eternia as well. The cackling, imperious dickhead and his gang of hooligans are constantly flexing on King Randor, He-Man, and the Sorceress who guards Castle Greyskull. Both sides of this epic conflict fill their ranks with numerous allies… I mean, this is a cartoon meant to sell toys, right? Adam (and He-Man) usually rolls around with a minimum entourage of the following homies: Man-at-Arms, the royal arms-master with a super-sweet stache; Teela, Man-at-Arm’s daughter, a serious ass-kicker who has no patience for Adam’s bullshit but just adores He-Man; and Orko, the addle-brained court magician who always seems to fuck things up but sometimes manages to save the day with his poorly-controlled spells. Of course, Skeletor has some friends, despite being a serious douche. He has a tense but workable relationship with Evil-Lyn, a sorceress whose main magical strength seems to be conniving fuckery. A roster of goons including Beast Man, Trap Jaw, Mer-Man and Tri-Klops serve as Skeletor’s vanguard (read: cannon fodder) in the long war against Eternia.

The classic clusterfuck poster, in all its glory. I don’t know if this is the full final roster, but it’s a lot of them.

One really cool thing about MOTU – and perhaps a lost art in all but the softest-themed toons today – was the moral message at the end of each episode. Sure, this show was a consumerist vehicle for an extensive line of kid’s toys, but why not drop some wisdom on the kids? This would always be a theme presented in the story itself (like sharing, responsibility, safety, etc), and more often than not, it was He-Man or Man-at-Arms sitting down for the fireside chat moment.

The animation is remarkably smooth for a timetable-produced toon, and characters are shown running, jumping, etc. in a very natural way. In the tradition of Filmation (and by spiritual sisterhood, Hanna-Barbera), the backgrounds are lush and skillfully colored, on par with motion picture matter paintings sometimes. But what really does it, what really sells the product, is that music.

A total of 72 figures and toys were released, and the series made Mattel insane amounts of money. As for the cartoon, it ran in syndication until 1988, when USA Network bought it and ran it until 1990. The heroes and villains of MOTU briefly returned in a new 1990 series (with its own new toy line), and He-Man resurfaced once more in a new show on Cartoon Network’s Toonami. This show was presented more seriously in tone, and also delves more into the history of Eternia (including an origin for Skeletor). In 1987, Cannon Films released a movie under the MOTU banner, with a more cosmic focus and a somewhat darker tone. This film starred 80s action bull Dolph Lundgren as He Man, and also featured Frank Langella as Skeletor and Courteney Cox as… A normal woman.

If you have a taste for cheese, it’s great. Definitely up there with any other awesomely ridiculous Cannon film.

Needless to say, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe has secured itself a high spot in 80s pop culture. Even now, in the digital age, it can be seen on Netflix, as well as on YouTube. Mattel markets high-end versions of the original figures as collectibles, perfect for the nerd who always wanted a more poseable, articulated sci fi barbarian. There have even been video games; the two that come to mind are the Intellivision (naturally) and Game Boy Advance versions.

Perhaps the war on Eternia will never end. After all, without one another, good and evil have no meaning. He-Man taught us a lot of things, but perhaps that was the bigger message.

We’ll see you next time, barring any technical difficulties due to Orko’s bullshit. Stay Retro!

Some Manhattan kids became decent square members of society but, the rest of us that didn’t turned into artists, professional gamers, graff writers, musicians or just successful in their own hustle.

One of those success stories belongs to The Sucklord. The Sucklord is a POP Artist that manufactures unlicensed action figurine art through his company, SUCKADELIC. His action figurines are inspired by the old style of action figure that we all grew up pulling our mothers skirt to have. With limited runs and a word of mouth hype to his creations, these are the classic retro toys with limited articulation but, with a totally left-of-center style and subversive nostalgic feel.

He was born Morgan Phillips in the West Village and attended P.S. 41 and the High School for the Humanities, graduating in 1987. He later attended an art school in Eugene, Oregon. Now he creates subversive action figure runs from is headquarters and sells them at pop-up shops, private screenings or conventions.

His main source of inspiration comes from his undying love of Star Wars which is a recurring foundation of most of his toy runs. One of his physical incarnations is clad with custom Boba-Fet helmet, tracksuit and boom-box jetpack and is a totally badass galactic b-boy.

I’ve been in attendance at one of his events. It was a screening of episode 4 of his lo-fi and “exquisitely MY era L.E.S.”, web-series ‘Toy Lords of Chinatown’. Toy Lords tells the story of masked, ruthless, toy makers living in Chinatown. Competing and undercutting each other to have the next hot toy on the market.. If you loved late 80s-90s MNN public access or the surreal and experimental Liquid Television (both things would later be ripped off & recycled through a west coast blender to make Adult-Swim), then TOY LORDS of Chinatown was for you. The party was held in a very extravagant yet low key hotel by the West Side Highway. I was already curious about the Sucklord brand and the web series after my fellow Jade Palace Guardsman David Arcade put me on to him; seemed like we weren’t the only brand in town running around lower Manhattan in masks and alter-egos creating art… And to be honest, I was impressed and inspired by the turn out. People came to be apart of what he was creating and support his art. This was back in 2012.

Since then, he is still running strong and doing things his way. He even collaborated with CZARFACE in creating the CZARFACE action figure. He still maintains a presence on social media where you can find updates and appearance dates. He’s still host the SUCKHOUR and has a patreon – https://www.patreon.com/thesucklord

If you love independent art. If you love lo-fi artwork, subversive art, retro toys, retro star wars and a more back-in-the-day feel to your next art purchase then you should definitely go shop with SUCKLORD.

This months Retro Motors looks back at some of the best cartoon vehicles. Again the 80’s and early 90’s were the host to an abundance of all action vehicular combat based cartoons; ranging from the absolutely absurd, to some of the finest animated work to date. Taking a look over what people consider “The best cartoons” today, it’s clear to see that we have moved away from the more classic storytelling and instead opted for balls out, physiologically unsettling and surreal. Back then it was good vs evil, David vs Goliath, man vs machine- or a mix of all three. Not only did the majority of these cartoons tell of a great adventure or explore some primal instincts but they also looked damn cool.

A group I wholeheartedly feel should exist in real life is M.A.S.K (Mobile Armoured Strike Command). If money were no object I’d mobilise a team akin to M.A.S.K and chase ivory poachers with a flying Camaro that shoots rockets. People like Elon Musk think they’re doing the world a favour by producing silent cars and an underground tunnel, but I feel if I was wealthy enough, people would much rather watch a live feed of me in a flying Camaro bombing Japanese whaling boats.

Thunderhawk

No list of the coolest cartoon vehicles could end without mentioning Transformers, although my favourite robot was not only a bad guy but was never a vehicle in the first place. Sound wave, for me, always stood out for the fact he decided to talk through a vocoder and his arsenal consisted of a massive cannon and weaponised cassette tapes.

Yet no other cartoon character made such an impact on me than Optimus Prime. I seem to remember entering a Video Nest here in the UK and choosing a film for Friday night with my dad. From Thundercats to HE MAN, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors to Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles. What could go wrong with a full feature length film about these mighty metal heros? Optimus Prime could go wrong, that’s what.

Optimus Prime

There are some people who still believe that certain human beings, deceased yet period correct, still wander the earth as ghosts. It is believed that certain spectral entities come back with such tasks as moving trinkets, walking without purpose or simply switching on and off the lights. They may be one of the most underwhelming myths of the natural world but the Ghostbusters on the other hand are real and the film is a masterpiece. The Real Ghostbusters was the name of the animated series and what a series it was- exploring further into the characters whilst retaining all the fun and bizarre ghost stories of New York City.

Ecto 1 is a Cadillac- in case you didn’t know. Miller-Meteor, the famous coach builder, designed and manufactured modified versions for businesses who required a classy looking vehicle as big a boat. It had been used as an ambulance-come-hearse in some states of America and became infamous when it starred in the Ghostbusters film. The unforgettable wail of the siren and the bright colour scheme are as iconic as that silver car from Back To The Future.

Ecto 1

The best Batmobile has been and gone when Michael Keaton drove it back in 1989. Long, black, sleek and sexy, complete with mounted guns, turbine and armour plating. Since then the Batmobile has gone from looking like it runs the city, to something that looks like Super-Goth is trying to compensate.

A little later in 1992 Batman the animated series was launched. A beautifully animated, well scripted; timeless, moving comic, also featuring its very own Batmobile. In keeping with the gothic art deco style of the series, the Batmobile of this era is a brutal looking, four wheeled slab of a car. Housing what appears to be a monstrous V12 and with all the essential gadgets like teargas, bullet proof armour and missiles. The dark deco style was inspired by Tim Burton’s work and in my opinion deserves a live action version someday, if only to see the car for real.

The Batmobile

Not exactly a cartoon, more like an animated schizophrenic episode- Akira is an extraordinary masterpiece of technical ability, eccentric storytelling and cult imagery. Any New Retro Wave fan will tell you, the Neo-Tokyo setting is an unnerving mix of real world imagery and sci-fi elements that blend in such a brutal way, it’s going to leave a mark.

My lasting memory of the film however was not the face melting fight sequences but the bike. Kaneda is a young teen with a bad attitude. He’s also the leader of a biker gang who take no shit when it comes to the open road. His chosen chariot is renowned even before you get to see it. Rumour has it this thing was a 200mph, electronically driven sports bike. Whatever it is, it’s one of the coolest animated vehicles to date. Some die hard fans of the franchise have spent thousands creating exact replicas. It has even inspired Honda to create something that closely resembles Shotaro Kaneda’s iron horse.

Kaneda’s bike

These vehicles were at first animated, then became toys and now in some cases would become a reality. I may not be able to have my very own Batmobile but I’ve always thought cars and bikes bring adventure and can become a very real emotional attachment. I hope that even with the decline of fossil fuel burning vehicles, we could see a revival of memorable characters and and equally as memorable vehicular concepts.