#1 DUNE part 2:

#2 Shogun (FX series)
Based on the 1975 novel by James Clavell, previously adapted into a 1980 miniseries. the ensemble cast includes Hiroyuki Sanada, Cosmo Jarvis, Anna Sawai, Tadanobu Asano, Takehiro Hira, Tommy Bastow, and Fumi Nikaido. Featuring a mostly Japanese cast with majority of the dialogue in the Japanese language, Shogun is different. When I say “different”, I mean Different. The writing on this series was out-of-this-world. The production, the cinematography – oh my.

#3 X-MEN 97’
The return of the X family! I was already withdrawn from any hope or confidence in Disney. The aches and pains of super-hero fatigue was set into the muscles like knots and Charlie horses. Marvel or the MCU had abused my fandom with endless insults to character I’d grown up reading from the Mandarin, to Black Panther even the Midnight Sons before you even saw the Midnight Sons. It was all just an endless reel after reel of jokes, flashing lights and 2-dimensional storylines. However, my depression was thrashed against a cliff when X-MEN 97 premiered. It was everything I didn’t know I needed and improved upon. The Summers Family fractured and reunited, Magneto proved right by the season finale, Storm cementing her position as an Omega level goddess and humanity always destined to betray themselves and be prey to their own prejudices. 10 out of 10.

#4 Longlegs
The highest grossing independent film of 2024, directed by Osgood Perkins and starring Maika Monroe, Nicolas Cage, Blair Underwood, Alicia Witt. A police procedural horror film set during the nineteen-nineties that follows an FBI investigation into a serial killer that is behind a series of murders involving fathers that murder their entire family before themselves. Osgood’s last feature film Blackcoats Daughter already established him as a new voice in the horror genre with moody tones, color pallets and storytelling. Recommended for fans of X-Files, Kolchak, Millennium and Angel Heart.

#5 MAXXXINE
The heavily anticipated direct sequel to X and Pearl came like a peeper in an x-rated booth. This final entry in the trilogy is full-blown 80s degeneracy: pastels, dayglow, hairspray, porn, vhs, sex cults and cocaine. I have one disagreement with anyone that has reviewed or critiqued this film – this is not just a slasher film, this is Giallo. Giallo (Italian: [ˈdʒallo]; pl.: gialli; from giallo, lit. ’yellow’) is a genre of murder mystery fiction that often contains slasher, thriller, psychological horror, psychological thriller, sexploitation, and, less frequently, supernatural horror elements. Mia Goth is front and center once-again delivering a knockout performance.

#6 Late Night with the Devil
The new Halloween cult classic. If I had seen this film on youtube, I would have sworn that this was a lost episode of Tales from the Darkside. It’s always good to see David Dastmalchian (Suicide Squad, Dark Knight, Animals) in a leading role. He is a very talented actor and always brings a worth-watching performance to his characters. The film is as analog and minimum as you can get up until the film act, prior to that this is a great paced chamber play about the foils of success and the price of one’s soul. Watch it.

#7 Terminator Zero
Let me tell you. Let me tell you. This is the only anime on my list and I loved it. Let us be real and honest, Terminator movies haven’t been good since T2. All of them suck. The Sara Connor chronicles and Dark Fate gets a light pass but, it’s been a dead franchise for decades. That is until now. Terminator Zero has a fresh setting, new characters, new possibilities, and a more philosophical examination of Judgement Day. I loved it. Loved it. If they do make a new season I’ll be there (for better or worse) but, if this is a one and done – I am okay with that. Animation services were provided by Production I.G under the direction of Masashi Kudō. The eight-episode series premiered on August 29, 2024.

#8 Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
Finally a movie that respects Michael Keaton enough to revisit one of his more iconic roles unlike the recent Flash movie that wasted the return of 89’ Batman to a throwaway character.  Beetlejuice 2x is a fun sequel to a beloved Halloween film from our childhoods. Winona Ryder and Catherine O’Hara anchor this Psycho-comedic romp with refreshing performances by Jenny Ortega and Justin Theroux. A definite rental.

#9 Alien Romulus
Claustrophobic, sci-fi horror is back. A good mixture of practical effects, digital effects, mood, setting and performances certifies this as worthy Alien film. Romulus isn’t a perfect movie or a great movie. It is simply a good entry in the franchise that tries to bridge the mythos of the Alien and Prometheus timelines together once and for all. Biggest criticism might be the final boss but, most definitely the shoehorning of Ian Holms android model from the original alien film. Overall a 7 out of 10. Biggest question yet to be answered – Where the hell is David?

#10 Love Lies Bleeding
A tumultuous, lurid, gritty, unwashed yet absurdly abstract crime film and queer romance. This is the eighties that people don’t talk about. The rural out of town trailer park eighties, when the furniture had plastic on the cushions with cigarette burns to match the stench in the air and stains on the wall in the family room. Pickup truck heaven and lunch always came fresh from a can of frank n beans. Kristin Stewart stars in this glittery backdoor love story as a young adult dealing with a dysfunctional and criminal family and working at the local gym, mopping floors, cleaning toilets and hustling juice to her clientele. Her options seem dire until she meets Jackie (Katy O’Brian) a transient body builder with her own past and demons. Both fall in love and try to break out of the cycle of violence that plagues them both. Also starring Ed Harris, Dave Franco and Jenna Malone.

This will be a list of both television/streaming series and full length films that premiered in the year 2023.

1. PLUTO : A Netflix original mini-series based on the acclaimed manga by Naoki Urasawa. Pluto is a retelling of a story arc from the pages of Astroboy by Ozama Tezuka. A riveting story that should be talked about a lot more. Don’t expect the Saturday Morning cartoon formula. This is a masterpiece with brilliant and poignant references to our current geopolitical climate, debates on A.I., Civil Rights, life & death, PTSD and the costs of war on the spirit. Anime of the year.
   
2. Dungeons & Dragons (Honour Among Thieves) : A quick and straight to the point adventure starring Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez, Hugh Grant, Sofia Lillis and Rege-Jean Page as your typical D&D table-top party archetypes. Not too dark and not too comedic with wonderful landscapes and action set-pieces. Worth the viewing.
   
3. Super Mario Bros the Movie: What a wonderful and beautiful film. The textures and amazing animation painted with the most beautiful colors I’ve seen since Children of the Sea. The story is what you’d expect and that’s fine. The voice actors did their thing here and performed nicely according to the script. A must watch on psychedelic stimulants.
   
4. Barbie: I heard it was good. I interviewed over a dozen people about it with 19 out of 20 giving positive responses. It has to be good to earn $1.4 billion dollars. Good job. Keeps that momentum going.
   
5. Town Called Malice (series): Created by Nick Love (Football Factory, The Business, The Firm) for Sky Max. The series premiered on 16 March 2023, with the full set of episodes being made available on Now. Jason Flemygn and Martha Plimpton star with an ensemble cast as a family living the life in the 1980s on the coast of Spain only to be entangled with the criminal underworld of their new home. Stylized Neon Crime.
   
6. TMNT Mutant Mayhem : The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles characters created by Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman. A reboot of the Turtles film series, it was directed by Jeff Rowe and co-directed by Kyler Spears, from a screenplay and story written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, and Rowe, with Dan Hernandez and Benji Samit co-writing the former and Brendan O’Brien the latter. Acid dripped animation not too different from the Spiderverse films featuring Miles Morales. The turtles battle in and under the streets of New York City against the schemes of villains like Baxter Stockman and henchmen including Bebop & Rocksteady.
   
7. Scott Pilgrim Takes OFF: A collaboration between Netflix and Japanese animators, Takes Off is a retelling of the original graphic novel as well the live-action film. The entire cast returns to lend their voices to the story. Still streaming on Netflix.
   
8. Yu Yu Hakusho : Like it or not Netflix is determined to bring a lot of your favorite Toonami series to life. The beloved Yu Yu Hakusho has been adapted in live-action. However, there is one drawback. This is a very short season with a lot of character development from the anime crammed, if not rushed, into these episodes. I am no uber-fan of live-action animes but, it’s been hit and miss with Netflix with the Death Note adaptation being its worse while the live-action One Piece had a good launch with some if not most fans. Hopefully, Netflix can continue to improve with the upcoming Avatar: the Last Airbender series soon to premiere on the streaming app.
   
9. Totally Killer : The Retro Slasher Comedy from Blumhouse came like a whisper and tickled every remember-berry I could have. First off, Kiernan Shipka is always going to give you a good performance and she doesn’t disappoint. The film will seem like just a slasher back to the future rehash but, at the halfway point it does start to pick up the pace and plays out into being a pretty entertaining film. Still streaming on Amazon Prime, worth a watch.
   
10. Jewel Thief (Documentary) : Now this is a film that I started watching out of boredom and boy is it a helluva documentary. Gerald Blanchard the infamous international jewel thief and con-artist is a tale that spans three decades and is documented in this brilliant documentary on HULU with testimonies from associates, victims and law enforcement local, federal and international. This is an absolutely recommendation for true crime fans and those looking to remember a simpler time in their yesteryears. Too good to miss.

And there it is your list of (in my opinion) the best in retro for the year 2023. Stay cool, Stay Classy, Stay Chill and remember never take your finger off that REWIND button.  

“Look forward to more reviews and Fish Scale in the 2024.”

Doctor Sleep
Wonderful to see people making credible Stephen King adaptations, isn’t it? The Dark Tower left a bad taste in my mouth and sadness at another wasted potential of an Idris Elba performance. However, Idris is doing fine and we are getting good King films. IT volume 1 was a monster when it premiered in theaters and the follow-up, I actually liked. Mike Flanagan seems to be the one person who truly understands how to translate the stories to the big screen. He directed Gerald’s Game which was REALLY GOOD. Mike Flanagan followed that with Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House mini-series to critical acclaim. Now soon to be then 2019 also gave us DOCTOR SLEEP also directed by Flanagan. Based on the novel and sequel to King’s THE SHINING. Doctor Sleep follows Daniel Torrance, now a recovering addict living in seclusion in his mid-age before he is develops a long distance friendship with a young girl via The Shining ability they both share; a Shining that is being hunted by members of the True Knot and their deliciously evil leader. The music is subtly and the story is well contained, distinguishing itself from its predecessor with very well fleshed out characters and antagonists with defined motives and conflicts for the first two acts of the movie before delivering on fanservice with its climax. It’s a slow burning horror movie that delivers on mood and pacing. A MUST WATCH.

Alita: Battle Angel
We all thought it was impossible. There is no way in hell a live-action anime would be good. A lot of us thought and still think Cameron is washed up; that Rodriguez had become a hack. Well we were wrong and ALITA was actually a good movie. The ending to me was a lil mehh, but, it was good. The camera work and CGI was crisp and blended together well and in 3D blurred the lines between flesh and pixel. I even learned to love the anime eyes given to the main character. Good cast, although the love interest was more visual than substance. Rosa Salazar is a much better ALITA than who James Cameron originally wanted for the role (rumor is it was Jessica Alba). It was also nice to always Jennifer Connelly in any film. The last reveal at the end was funny because the entire time I was thinking “How’d they get Julian Lennon to play the main villain NOVA” to be surprised at the end like “Oh it’s him”.

Dolemite is my Name
The story of the man who would become DOLEMITE, The ass kicking, jive-talking, women loving, honky smacking man too badass for two names. My Name is Dolemite stars Eddie Murphy, Wesley Snipes, Keegan-Michael Key, Mike Epps, Craig Robinson, Tituss Burgess, T.I., Chris Rock, Luenell and more. Rudy Ray Moore was a man just getting by who had a dream to become a star. Proving that perseverance, drive and imagination can take you anywhere you want to go. Eddie Murphy is back and R rated. Wesley Snipes, my friends, is amazing in this film – Amazing. Streaming on NETFLIX.

Watchmen on HBO
Now let me be objective. At first there was some pushback from viewers over where the series would go. But, by the final episode of the first season it seems everyone is “All in” over HBO’s WATCHMEN series. Series creator and showrunner Damon Lindelof (The Leftovers) and starring the extremely talented Regina King and co-starring Jeremy Irons, Louis Gossett, Jr. Tim Blake Nelson, Jean Smart and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II. wITH music by NIN. The series took the motifs and layered storytelling of the graphic novel and attempted to tell its own story following up the events of the Alien Squid Attack.
Some reviewers are online calling this the best series of the past few years which I disagree. I mean, MR. ROBOT is killing everything right now in its final season. Watchmen is great. It’s deep. It’ plays with actual history to develop a rich world in an alternate timeline from our own in a very very well executed way. It’s a good show. Let’s see where they take it with season 2, if there is a second season.

The Mandalorian on Disney +
The Star Wars series that’s saving the franchise. Most people don’t like Last Skywalker and some people liked it meanwhile others think it’s the end of the world. But, everyone loves the Mandalorian and Cub… I mean Lonewolf and yoda…. I mean The Mandalorian. What else can I say? It’s Star Wars. It’s full of fan service and the story does seem like a breath of fresh air in a stagnant universe.

On Becoming God in Central Florida
The oddball of the list. On Becoming God in Central Florida is a weird series to pin down. It’s almost like watching a bizarre blend of Roseanne, Northern Exposure, Raising Arizona and the film SHE-DEVIL. Kirsten Dunst hasn’t been this entertaining since 1999’s Drop Dead Gorgeous. Beth Ditto does a very convincing job as the Florida housewife to a man who is trying to become a self-made man. The series set during the 1980s is stacked with classic hits and b-sides on the soundtrack. The fashion is tragic but it is Florida and it was the 80’s.

The resurgence of Classic Jim Henson properties
Jim Henson is classic and always will be. The previous year gave us some great material to chew with a comic book series adapted from the scraped screenplay for a sequel to The Dark Crystal (1982) by Boom Studios titled The Power of the Dark Crystal. There was also that lovely Labyrinth comic book published by Achaia Entertainment. But in 2019 The Jim Henson Company and Netflix joined forces to premiere The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance on August 30, 2019 to critical and audience acclaim. With an all-star cast of too many people to name; including Taron Egerton (Kingsmen), Anya Taylor-Joy (Split), Nathalie Emmanuel (Game of Thrones), Jason Isaacs (Harry Potter), Simon Pegg (Spaced), Mark Hamill (Star Wars), Lena Headey (300) AND more and more and more. Depicting the battle between the Gelflings and the Skeksis on the planet Thra and using state of the art techniques in puppetry and special f/x this was a wet dream for anyone who remembers watching the original film as a child.

Doom Patrol
Doom Patrol was the X-MEN before the X-men. A group of individuals afflicted with extraordinary abilities and handicaps coming together and saving the world, if not themselves. The classic comic book superteam created by Arnold Drake and Bob Haney with Bruno Premiani in 1963 stepped into the live action medium in 2019 on DC Universe. Starring Brendan Fraser, Matt Bomer, Timothy Dalton, Joivan Wade and others. Mixing a healthy dose of humor and plot made this series a binge worthy series to sit my ass down and take in (pause). Brandan Frasier absolutely stands out with his performance as Robotman.

Stranger Things season 3
After a lukewarm reception to Season 2’s drawn out drama with perhaps two many episodes that needed to be shot. Including a throwaway episode that was more X-Men:Runaways than anything that was necessary for that season. Stranger Things came back with a shorter third season with a much more condensed and thought out season that reminded us why we fell in love with these young characters in the first place. Adding more lore and world building into the, retro, suburban lovecraftian story of a group of young teens growing up with the ever-looming threat of apocalypse just around the corner from the UPSIDE DOWN. Characters are better developed and the soundtrack was chosen wisely. Memorable moment: The Neverending Story.

Notable Mention: GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS
Definitely better than the first GODZILLA movie from Legendary films. However, for those that have seen the movie know that at times KING OF THE MONSTERS gets in its own way too much. There was less Human importance in this film but, still I felt that there could‘ve been just a little bit more Monster carnage and a little less of the shaky camera, night time, quick cut-aways that happen way to often. I mean come on, you wait the whole film for the big showdown at the end and just as they are about to get to the monster mash, they filmmakers decided to park the ass end of a big fat fuck military plane right in the middle of the screen. It was the only complaint I had with the film but enough keep the movie from my top ten.

Cobra Kai

2.) Devilman Crybaby

The in your face and faithful to its source material anime that brought back hard R-Rated themes and imagery to anime can’t get enough praise for its critque of humanity as we know it and of the relationship between the creatures of whatever you call God’s workings. A monster of a self-contained horror story that goes from Cosmic Horror, Body Horror right on up to social commentary. “MUAH” i could massage this IP’s prostate more but you must see it for yourself. My review is still available on NewRetroWave.com

3.) WACO

Remember when the Federal Government set a building on fire with women and children inside, as the nation watched the compound be reduced to ashes on live television? Remember when the acting attorney general was unapologetic about the incident on CSPAN? Well here is a somewhat television-biopic, similar to the OJ Simpson Trial mini-series that became the rage in TV-land. I would say, give this mini-series a try if you can find it streaming online. Give it a viewing if you be mature enough to look at it objectively. Michael Shannon is always great in any role and Taylor Kitsch is good too.  WATCH IT.

4.) The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

If you love the work of the COEN BROS. all through the 80s and 90s then this might be a treat for your NETFLIX X-MAS. Yes, it is a western but, it has all of the best parts of your favorite COEN BROs. films like BLOOD SIMPLE, Raising Arizona, Big Lebowski, A Serious Man, No Country for Old Men, Fargo and more. This anthology is packed with whatever you needed at the time you pressed play on your device. MUST WATCH!

5.) Glow

The hit series returns for a second season of spandex and piledrivers. Revolving around a fictionalization of the characters and gimmicks of the 1980s syndicated women’s professional wrestling circuit, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (or GLOW) founded by David McLane. If you know the mechanics of pro-wrestling then you’d be satiated by its portrayal here. The humor is fun, the whole show is pretty friggin’ fun.

6.) BAKI

Grappler Baki is back with the continuation of the story from a previous series. Baki is a young combat prodigy who’s dedicated his life to perfecting his body and becoming the strongest fighter in the world. A dream that will lead him in striking distance of his father, the worlds most dangerous man. The artwork is similar to what it was in the original manga although a bit too polished in my opinion. But, it’s classic anime with new art and brutal fighting. If it’s still streaming on NETFLIX. WATCH IT.

7.) The Conners

No I’m not talking about the Sarah Connor chronicles (i’d love to see that come back). The favorite show and one time flagship series on ABC is back, sort of. When news broke of the series returning with everyone back, the internet went berserk. The premiere was a smash hit. ROSEANNE was back! But, then the real Roseanne almost screwed the whole thing up. Luckily because of fan support and someone having a set of balls and a good idea, the Roseanne character was killed off and the show repackaged as THE CONNERS. Will it retain the interest of the modern television audience that is now binge viewing on AMAZON, NETFLIX, HULU with some really good quality shows there? We don’t know but time will tell.

8.) Altered Carbon

CYBERPUNK is back. My only fear is “will the common consumer ruin it like it’s doing superheroes?”. Altered Carbon is the cyberpunk detective story set in a future where humanity has found a cure for death with the use of proxy bodies; the user transfers his consciousness into new bodies at the moment of death. Our main character is hired or unthawed to solve the murder of the very person hiring him.. If you love the consistent motifs of cyberpunk and it’s aesthetics then you’ll be delighted to point of oversaturation with this series that is already getting an anime spinoff on Netflix. WATCH IT.

9.) Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

Everyone’s favorite daughter from MAD MEN is back and resting comfortably in the shows of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. This version of the adolescent witch is more based on the recent Archie Comics run of the character that is darker, moody and very pro-women. Kiernan Shipka is a young witch who is destined to be a bride of the dark lord but, instead chooses to retain her free will and humanity. A decision that puts her at odds with many dark forces. New style Goth fetish for young girls looking for positive themes.

10.) Haunting of Hill House

I haven’t watched the series all the way through but for some reason my whole facebook feed is filled with associates talking about the series being that scary and creepy and keeping them up at night. The show is headed by Mike Flanagan. Flanagan still riding a wave of critical praise from his previous horror project, ‘Gerald’s Game’ an adaptation of a Stephen King story. Flanagan updates the timeline with flashbacks from the nineteen-ninties instead of the late fifties with the main story line occurring in our present day. Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Hutton, Henry Thomas and others. Still available for streaming online. MUST WATCH!

Stay Warm and KEEP YOUR FINGERS ON THAT REWIND BUTTON! Merry Christmas, YULE, KWANZAA, Hanukah and bright TREE & GIFTS day. 1

“Merry Christmas Mr. Bean” is the seventh episode of the television series MR. BEAN. originally broadcast on ITV on 29 December 1992. A four act special following the holiday shenanigans of anarchist MR. BEAN, played by the beloved Rowan Atkinson.

He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special is a Christmas television special based on the animated series He-Man & the Masters of the Universe and its spin-off She-Ra: Princess of Power. Originally broadcast in syndication December 1985.

Are You Being Served Christmas Special (1978) is the sixth episode of season six of the British sitcom created and written by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft. The series was broadcasted from 1972 to 1985 for the BBC.

The Honeymooners: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (1955) From 1955 to 1956 The Honeymooners was an American sitcom, based on a recurring 1951–55 sketch of the same name. It originally aired on the Cavalcade of Stars, Jackie Gleason’s variety show and subsequently on the CBS network’s The Jackie Gleason Show, which was filmed in front of a live audience. It debuted as a half-hour series on October 1, 1955.

Tales from the Crypt: And all through the house. Tales from the Crypt, sometimes titled HBO’s Tales from the Crypt, is an American horror anthology television series that ran from June 10, 1989 to July 19, 1996, based on the 1950s EC Comics series of the same name and most of the content originated in that comic or the other EC Comics of the time (Haunt of Fear, The Vault of Horror, Crime SuspenStories, Shock SuspenStories, and Two-Fisted Tales). “And All Through the House” was adapted from Vault of Horror #35 (#24) and directed by Robert Zemeckis. Although this episode was not aired during the holidays nor is it cataloged as a Christmas special, I feel that this episode captures the wonderful and ironic spirit of the Holidays. [Main titles not included and beginning song removed for copyright]

Then there’s a little series that came on HBO in 1989 and opened it all up into a bloody mess… Tales from the Crypt.

The original brain-seed for the series was one of a set of comic book series from the 1950s; Tales from the Crypt ran 27 bi-monthly issues from 1950 to 1955 that broke rules even back then. In fact, Bill Gaines (The publisher, who ran EC Comics, the imprint under which the horror comics were produced) was among those called to testify in the highly-publicized 1954 Senate Subcommittee hearings that resulted in the Comics Code Authority we know today. While gone, the comic was far from forgotten, and had a lasting influence on a generation of future storytellers. Publisher Russ Cochran has overseen several reprints of the original EC line, and EC itself eventually doubled down on another title in its repertoire… MAD Magazine.

This is the issue where Crime Patrol went completely out the window and starting being about werewolves and shit. History, needless to say, was made.

It’s worth noting that, in 1972, Amicus Films produced a Tales from the Crypt movie. While it isn’t incredible, it’s still pretty good, and stars Peter Cushing, Joan Crawford, and has Ralph Richardson as the Crypt Keeper. The film was a modest success; it spawned a sequel (named after another EC horror title, Vault of Horror) in 1973. For a good while afterward, the crypt was quiet. The dead slept.

Cushing as the undead Mr. Grimsdyke, Richardson as the Crypt Keeper, and the typically cheesy 70s-style titles of the 1972 film.

Then suddenly, in mid-1989, commercials began to air on pay-cable channel HBO…

I still remember these commercials chilling my young blood. My first sight of the undead host had me both horrified and fascinated… I could barely stand to look into his perfect blue eyes, but I had to know more.

On the left, you have the Crypt Keeper as he appeared from 1950 to 1955 in the comics. On the right, you have him in 1989 on the TV show. Clearly, 34 years can do a lot.

The Crypt Keeper was designed and built by Kevin Yagher, a special FX artist famous for his work on Nightmare on Elm Street 2 though 4, Child’s Play, and other horror blockbusters. The puppet required a team of puppeteers to operate, including a rig to handle the intricate facial movements that made him seem all too real. The voice of the undead storyteller was provided by John Kassir, a talented voice actor whose work you’ve definitely heard if you’ve ever watched cartoons. Kassir adopted a high, rich but reedy tone for the Crypt Keeper’s speech, providing an odd touch of class while remaining insidious. The end result had long lasting psychological impact on me as a kid; I found the Crypt Keeper both terrifying and fascinating due to how real he seemed, how lifelike the movements of his dead face and body looked.

Left to Right: Puppeteer Brock Winkless showing off the electronics used for manipulating CK’s ghastly facial movements; a diagram showing how his body was animated; and his creator, Kevin Yagher, creeping in for a selfie with the decayed horror host.

This isn’t to say the content of the show itself wasn’t also amazing. There are plenty of episodes that come off as corny, but even those have value; what truly stand out are the episodes with all-star casts that tell memorable stories and contain innovative film work or FX. I’d like to note that while the ones I mention are my favorites, they are far from the only ones worth seeing; I advise anyone who hasn’t had a look to seek out the DVDs or Blu-Rays… and a little bird told me some episodes might be on YouTube… there are few episodes that don’t have something to like.

My man was a big star for a while. He had his own TV show for 7 seasons, rubbed elbows with celebrities, and even had an action figure made in his likeness. But stars have the farthest to fall. Still… that is a killer tux. Unknown Hinson either loaned that to him or is envious of it. I’ll bet anything on that.

Season 1 starts off slow, with a few real clunkers, but two episodes deserve notice. One is actually the very first episode, “The Man Who Was Death.” It stars William Sadler as the man who pulls the switch in a penitentiary’s Death Row; he loses his job due to the repeal of the death penalty and decides to keep doing his work freelance. The episode is excellent not only for Sadler’s top-notch performance, but because it sets the tone for many tales to come; Without spoiling too much, the executioner gets his just desserts in a truly ironic twist of events. “And All Through the House” is another noteworthy episode, starring Mary Ellen Trainor (the mom from Goonies) as an unscrupulous wife who kills her husband, with the legendary and late Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as the psycho Santa who interrupts her insidious plan. These two episodes set the bar for the series moving forward.

Season 2’s most notable episode is “The Switch,” directed by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger himself. William Hickey plays an old millionaire who is deeply infatuated with a beautiful young lady (played by 80s-90s bombshell Kelly Preston). He has a doctor replace parts of his body with those of a young man named Hans when the young lady claims to like fit men; Once he’s bankrupted himself to gain the bodybuilder’s form, she decides she’s attracted to money instead… and walks off with the now-shriveled bodybuilder, who has the millionaire’s body… and his millions. Schwarzenegger makes a cameo appearance in the Crypt Keeper segments, starting a trend that would continue as stars occasionally hammed it up with the old corpse. Episode 14, “Lower Berth,” tells a tale of circus freaks, love, violence… and the origin of a certain famous horror host… It isn’t particularly innovative or memorable on its own, but “Lower Berth” is still noteworthy for more great FX work.

Yes, that’s a baby Crypt-Keeper. Yes, this one’s based on a story from the comics where they find a baby Crypt Keeper. And yes… this was a choice they made.

The series began to hit its stride in Season 3, and three episodes immediately came to mind that show how versatile Tales from the Crypt was becoming in terms of the stories told. “Carrion Death” features Kyle MacLachlan as an escaped convicted killer, an unusual but well-played role for him. He and the police officer who tries to bring him in (George DelHoyo) are the only characters seen onscreen… unless you count the vultures in the desert that serves as the episode’s grim setting. “Yellow,” one of my favorite episodes, could well be considered one of the best in the entire series. Set during World War I (Specifically 1918), this episode is less horror than it is a wartime morality play. Kirk Douglas plays a general whose son (Eric Douglas) is a lieutenant under him during some of the war’s worst trench fighting. Sadly, the apple has fallen far from the tree, and the general must face the humiliating truth that his son is a coward. Lance Henriksen and Dan Aykroyd play supporting roles, and I don’t need to tell you that the acting is superb throughout. One could even consider it supplemental viewing for the WWI drama Paths to Glory, also starring Kirk Douglas. “The Reluctant Vampire” stars Malcolm MacDowell as a bloodsucker who gets his fix by working as the night watchman at a blood bank. The episode also stats George Wendt (Cheers) as the blood bank manager and Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) as Dr. Rupert van Helsing. It’s a bit more of the black humor than the horror, but the episode is charming and hard not to enjoy.

Season 4 continues the hit parade, and its sixth episode, “What’s Cookin,” stars Christopher Reeve, Judd Nelson, and Meal Loaf in a story about a restaurant owner’s quest to find the perfect dish… at any costs. “Split Personality” features Joe Pesci as a con-man who pursues a pair of knockout twins by pretending to be a pair of twins himself. Let’s just say it doesn’t work out for him, and he finds himself torn between the lovely girls! “Werewolf Concerto” plays out a lot like a good mystery, eventually pitting a monstrous lycanthrope (Timothy Dalton) against a clever vampiress (Beverly D’Angelo) at its conclusion. This episode also stars Dennis Farina, Reginald VelJohnson, and even Wolfgang Puck as the other guests at the resort where the monster battle goes down.

The fifth season has less to offer overall, but contains two episodes worth discussing. The first, “Death of Some Salesmen,” is a testament to the versatility and talent of an actor some of us may be familiar with… one Tim Curry. Curry plays all three members of a deranged family who kidnap and eventually serve twisted justice to a crooked salesman played by Ed Begley Jr. Not only is the performance by Tim Curry the stuff of legend, but the camerawork is excellent as well, deftly maintaining the illusion that these are three separate people and not one amazingly talented actor. A cameo by Yvonne DeCarlo (The Munsters) caps this off as another of my favorites in the series. Also notable is “Oil’s Well That Ends Well,” a crime story about a set of swindlers who really have it in for each other over a bit of bubbling crude. One of them has a distinctive laugh you may have heard in the series… in fact, you’ve heard it often.

Season 6 and 7 are when Tales from the Crypt began its decline; there were still episodes worth watching, but they became fewer and further between. One is Season 6’s “You, Murderer,” which stars John Lithgow, Isabella Rossellini, Sherilyn Fenn… and Humphrey Bogart. The FX crew didn’t need a shovel or a necromancer to put Bogie onscreen; the episode was an experiment in then-blossoming digital video technology. We see Bogart’s face through reflections in mirrors, glass, and elsewhere… but barely do we ever see things outside his own point of view, which is how the story is framed. It’s all done very skillfully, and remains an excellent example of good digital film work to this day. Lastly, Season 7 contains the only animated episode, “The Third Pig,” a much more… well, adult retelling of the classic “three little pigs” story. The antagonist, the Big Bad Wolf, is voiced by none other than Bobcat Goldthwait.

TFTC also put its name on a trio of films; two are pretty decent and one is absolutely terrible. Demon Knight, released by Universal in 1995, features William Sadler as a good guy this time, a nearly-immortal soldier keeping a sacred vial of blood safe from demons who want to rule the Earth. Billy Zane plays the human-seeming leader of these evil creatures as they lay siege to an old hotel Sadler’s character has been cornered inside of. Jada Pinkett plays the young woman who eventually inherits the guardianship and ends the demon problem… for the time being. While it isn’t a classic at any rate, Demon Knight is worth a watch, and has some great FX as well as a few solid scares.

Billy Zane as the most charming demon you’ll ever meet. Zane easily steals the show, as evidenced in this supercut of his performance for the film.

Bordello of Blood (1996) is about vampire whores, and stars Dennis Miller as a private investigator trying to get to the bottom of a young man’s disappearance. Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon also star in the bizarre black comedy film. Aubrey Morris plays a secondary role as the mortician whose business conceals the bloodsucker brothel, and the vampires are led by none other than 90s model-actress Angie Everheart. Everheart’s performance is decidedly wooden, but everyone else does a fantastic job making this one fun. Miller’s style of comedy is admittedly not everyone’s taste, but his co-stars make up for him by playing decent foils to his constant referential comedy. All said and done, this one bombed at the box office.

This shot typifies the movie. Angie Everheart delivers some flat-as-a-board line in her best “sexy” voice and Dennis Miller replies with something… very Dennis Miller. There is a badass vampire-destruction sequence (NSFW – TITS) in the middle and the FX are better than okay, but audiences didn’t care for this one.

Ritual (2002) started off not even bearing the TFTC imprint. RKO’s final film, it stars Tina Grey (Dirty Dancing) and Tim Curry in a clumsy jaunt through medicine, money, and the supernatural. Grey plays a medical professional who loses her license and takes a job on an island as a young man’s nurse. She comes to suspect, over time, that he is under someone else’s influence. Universal and Miramax bandied back and forth about who would own and release this movie, and if the Tales from the Crypt dressing would even grace it… the end result is a set of endcaps hosted by an incredibly shitty version of the puppet. He looks horrible, moves horribly, and even sounds horrible because of the affected accent. It’s an atrocity. It makes me sad that this was the note RKO died on.

All I’m going to show you is the cover of the DVD release, and even that’s a goddamn disaster. If you insist on hurting yourself, I’m pretty sure this one’s on YouTube, and the owners of the intellectual property don’t give a shit because they know they created a masochist’s playground.

In July of 1996, TFTC was canceled. It was felt, perhaps rightfully, that the show had run its due course. The franchise lingered on for a while; there was a childrens’ version of the show (and an accompanying line of action figures), a Nickelodeon-style game show, and even a radio show in 2000 for Seeing Ear Theater. The Crypt Keeper hosted a couple events, notably 2013’s New Years Eve celebration on FEARnet (warning, pathetic)… but he wasn’t his old self. The wonders of the original puppet were lost, replaced by a cheap and toylike mannequin that barely moved.

Speaking of toys… this guy’s been with me since I was 11. When I go places, sometimes I pack him for good luck. And oh boy… has he been places. Also, shut up, the bathroom has the best lighting for shitty photos taken with a cell phone.

But let’s not remember that. Let’s remember the music video that shows him ogling a woman’s ass and using turntables.

Left to right: CK and Tom Hanks wonder what it must be like to be Tom Hanks; Whoopi stops in on CK’s talk show to set him straight; Arnold tries to put some meat on those old bones, to no avail.

Let’s remember one of CK’s trademarks: His terrible, awful puns.

Thanks for reading, Fright Fiends! October’s still got plenty of chills and thrills for the RetroMonster in all of you. Beware the full moon…