Passage marks Parisian producer Drich’s first release under the Cartridge 1987 since 2012’s Last Escape, one in a series of grandiose comeback releases to have been unveiled in 2021.

Presented as a set of twelve tracks each representing their own separate realms, the album is filled with the sense of mystery and wonder of eighties fantasy and adventure films and TV shows whilst also carrying a healthy dose of that electrifying, highly addictive French touch. Drich’s sound design deserves a particular mention as Passage’s strongest feats; with fuzzy lead melodies and acid basslines, every track is impeccably arranged with a tasteful balance between grit and groove that keeps a steady momentum going throughout the album’s tracklist.

Whether you’re after a heavy night-cruising record or a cinematic experience to send your mind back to a time when reality took the backseat in a young child’s mind, Passage is a moreish listen with a solid case to defend its merits as an instant classic.

Cartridge 1987 ‘Passage’ is out now on Nowadays Records Spotify and Bandcamp.

Werewolf: The Last Warrior

Data East, 1990

So let me start off with one for the NES, since I just said that.

Data East made a game about a werewolf with swords for hands and released it in North America several months before releasing it at home in Japan. I like to imagine that the conversation leading up to this decision involved the statement, “the Americans will eat this shit up.” That’s what I’d say. And I’m American. We love our nacho hot dogs and our spicy-ranch burger nuggets, and we love our idea mashups too. We’re basically a nation of five-year-olds. I’m lumping myself in too, don’t worry. I am thirty-seven years old and still struggle with the idea that I’m not supposed to eat cake as a meal. I’m not looking down my nose at anyone here. Especially since the idea of a werewolf with swords for hands is pretty fucking cool.

I, a proud American, am in fact eating this shit up.

There is a plot, but you can throw it in the trash along with the cellophane the box came wrapped in. Something about an evil doctor who takes over the world with mutants and how the world’s last hope is some werewolf with swords for hands. You have an ANGER METER that you fill with bubbles to get stronger/jump higher, and you pick up W’s to transition from man to beast and back. Being a man sucks. Be the beast. The beast that can still totally handle ladders with his sword hands and whose hourglass figure is the envy of all the ladies about town.

Pictured: them hips and them knife-hands totally working it… into a sewer.

I have no real complaints about Werewolf: The Last Warrior, nor does it really distinguish itself too strongly in terms of presentation. It has some pretty cool cinematic bumps in between levels, but after a little while it gets irritating to start a level and have a cut scene immediately interrupt it after you take like three fucking steps. I enjoy the separate mechanics of being a werewolf and being really fucking mad. Our hero can be absolutely furious AND/OR be a ravenous wolf-man, and I think it’s important to teach young people that being as pissed off as possible gives you superhuman power independent of any separate moon-shifting curse you may have. It’s part of the human condition. The music and sound are adequate, and most importantly, the fun factor is there. I got tired of WTLW less quickly than I expected. 7 out of 10 for a novel (if silly) concept done decently.

Cross Fire

Sanritsu Denki/Kyugo, 1990

Imagine if Contra kind of sucked. That’s Cross Fire.

I’m sticking with “kind of sucked” because this game is playable. It’s just not as awesome as Contra and made me want to play Contra again instead. It makes me imagine an executive showing Contra to some desperate and underpaid developers and suggesting they also make Contra. Compared to the werewolf with sword hands idea, this is fucking shameful. So, to risk sounding repetitive here: it’s Contra with a life bar, and instead of defeating an alien menace intent on ruling the world, you’re just some soldier asshole who “fights evil” (looks for trouble) worldwide. But be ready to basically play a slower Contra with shittier everything.

This is to art what a hammer is to a delicate porcelain plate.

I won’t call the graphics terrible, but I could. What I will call them, out loud and with a sneer on my face, is lazy. This is low-effort shit for 1990, and I’m including placement in that assessment, not just quality. Your audio experience will not be much better. Fuck it, it won’t be any better at all. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. I will give Cross Fire one positive appraisal: it isn’t totally unplayable if you can deal with:

1) looking at it

2) hearing it

3) feeling vaguely insulted by it

It doesn’t totally suck. It just mostly sucks, and only because it was allowed to. 4 out of 10 out of sheer contempt for Cross Fire.

Atomic Runner Chelnov

Data East, 1988

In real life, the only powers that radiation will give you are the superhuman power to always be sick and the special ability to eventually die of radiation. Chelnov is another classic example of the trope we’ve never truly let die: a man who became a superhero instead of a charred corpse or a short-term hospice patient due to nuclear radiation. He’s an Atomic Runner now, and he’s running for his goddamned life from the KGB or some other “secret organization” that wants his powers for evil. Slings and arrows, man. Every fucking time.

I don’t feel like it’s entirely outlandish that this makes me uncomfortable on some small level.

I know this is a forced-scrolling game, but it’s still very much a platformer; it’s like playing those “athletic” self-scrolling Mario levels in sequence while Data East throws some giant zombie arms and metal-helmeted fire dinosaurs in there for good measure. The scrolling only stops when it’s boss time. There are a variety of weapons and power ups (six counts as variety, shut up) to find, and you’ll want them. Part of what’s so fun about this game is just looking at it; both the arcade and Mega Drive versions are gorgeous for their time, especially some of the background art like the weird person-tree jungle and the Aztec-esque temple area. Chelnov also offers fantastic gameplay, combining a little bit of constant pressure (the nonstop movement) with a ton of action (everything is intent on murdering you, as usual).

My only complaint about it is possible burnout; I’m glad I took a shot at it on emulator so I could save my game state, just so I had a few minutes to look away now and again. I cannot imagine playing this shit in the arcade. Not only do I hate being watched by strangers, I also sweat at the most inopportune times and I’m sure I’d look like a Butterball turkey in a convection oven while playing this. 8 out of 10.

The Incredible Hulk

Probe, 1994

“At least it’s not any Spider-Man game.”

I am so tired of superhero-themed shit, especially the Marvel Cinematic Universe we’ve had force-marketed to us as a combo of sociopolitical “message” and barely-written entertainment. Feel free to email me if you would like to defend milady Marvel Comics at court. I have always liked the Hulk, though. The Hulk gets shit done in perhaps the most honest and cathartic way of any of Marvel’s woke-soap-opera characters: by absolutely losing his shit and stomping the bad guys a new asshole.

Pictured: Hulk tearing Abomination a new, improved, second asshole.

This is one of the few playable early-console-era games licensed by Marvel. I’ve talked about LJN and their sins against us ever since I started writing for NRW, and I will let God smash the gavel on that shit. This game is decent, despite being published by the eternal shit-puddle U.S. Gold. Probe kept this game simple without making it too vanilla. When you give me a controller and the Hulk is on the other end of it, I expect to be tearing shit up worse than Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel on a bender.

You don’t really get that here, but what you do get is a game where the Hulk isn’t a hapless clumsy asshole like every digital version of Spider-Man you saw during this era (except Maximum Carnage, that was fairly good). They can’t have you tearing down buildings all over the place or taking antitank rounds to the chest while laughing, but the Hulk still feels pretty Hulky. You get a decent set of special moves to beat up the Leader’s robots with, including bear hugs, head butts, and a very MK-esque uppercut. It is also decently difficult to harm the Hulk, despite his invulnerability being watered down for a video game. Things don’t get too challenging until they get weird later on in places like space. That’s where shit should start getting challenging for anyone.

Everything looks great, very much arcade-quality without diverging too far from the comics feel of the source material. The Hulk’s walk is kind of goofy, this weird arrogant stomp-march, but I guess he can walk however he wants. He’s the Hulk. Non-shitty digitized sounds are accompanied by an OST that sounds vaguely like the one for Sonic Spinball here and there (which is far from a negative thing). 8 out of 10.

Jewel Master

Sega, 1991

This game is totally my kind of shit. Deep-ass fantasy lore intro (here is a link), elemental magic, a demon lord… shit, what else do you want?

You punch fireballs out of your hands and collect elemental rings to combine for use in your mystical ass-kicking of evil. If you ever played Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, it’s a bit like the DSS Card System, but way less frustrating and slow to build. Another neat angle is how certain types of monsters may be more or less vulnerable to certain elemental attacks; it’s a small but welcome element of basic strategy that adds a bit of additional satisfaction to giving the demon king’s minions an ass whooping.

This dragon doesn’t stand a chance against me in the dance-off.

Like too few of its run-and-shoot platformer buddies, Jewel Master allows the player to aim and shoot upward, instead of just having things come at you from overhead and fuck you up while you sort of waggle your arms forward like John McCain and look foolish. I will never stop dunking on two things in this world: politicians and Mega Man.

It’s a Genesis game developed by Sega, so Jewel Master is pretty damn good all across the board. Its audiovisual artisanship is on par with arcade games of the era, as one would expect from the console itself, let alone games made by the console’s developer. The composer was apparently really into prog-rock, and it sort of shows in the soundtrack, which is probably my favorite part of Jewel Master by a nose. 8 out of 10.

That finishes out May, RetroFans. See you in June! Stay Retro!

I’m not ashamed or embarrassed at all to admit that I even get a little teary-eyed at the right piece of VG music if I’m in the right frame of mind. What does shame me is that I’ve spent so little time talking about that here – the music itself. I’ve chosen a few pieces of music to talk about, and I’ll provide a link for readers to listen along with me. I bet some of you know these soundtracks by heart the same way I do though… you can probably call them up in your mind just like I can.

Everyone’s looking for ways to cope right now, and music is fantastic tool for that. Let’s immerse ourselves in it today like a nice hot bath. Let’s listen. Everyone’s been going through some rough shit lately, and we’re not going to talk about that at all, because everyone’s sick of it. We’re going to forget the lousy news and the stress and uncertainty of it all, and we’re going to pursue some self-care together. Let’s listen to some video game music.

Crash Man Stage Music

Mega Man II

Capcom, 1988

Composer: Takashi Tateishi

Ooh there’s energy in this one. Like… I love funk. I love jazz. Those types of music pick me up and keep me smiling and snapping my fingers when things get rough or I get discouraged. I think Jazz is medicine. And this piece is funky. Like you want to move. And in Crash Man’s stage, you certainly can’t sit still. The octave-walk on the bass line, the smooth but busy lead riffs… that’s fucking jazz fusion. And it bops. It makes you bop with it.

I have also found a sick remix of this using the MD/Genesis sound set… it is cherry. Turn the key in this motherfucker and drive.

Main Theme

Space Harrier

Sega, 1985

Composers: Yuzo Koshiro, Hiroshi Kawaguchi, Mark Cooksey

For an action-oriented ride like Space Harrier, this is such hopeful and upbeat music. The lovely harmonies and steady 80s rock beat lend this track a sense of forward movement, which is entirely appropriate and forms a huge part of the game’s charm game for me. You can tell that while there are aliens and obstacles to be blasted in the Fantasy Zone, Sega’s composers wanted you to remember: life can be fun. You’re playing a video game. Escape. “Welcome to the Fantasy Zone! Get ready!”

Thunder Landing (Stage 1 Theme)

Super Contra

Konami, 1988

Composer: Motoaki Furukawa (Club Kukeiha)

The music you put in the first stage/area/level of your video game can have a huge impact on how memorable it is. I always loved this one because it sets the tone for the entire game right out of the starting gate; You get that nice intro riff as your drop out of the helicopter, and that weighty orchestra hit comes back to… well, hit you.

Side note: I’ve probably gushed over this before, but Konami has always placed a high value on their music and the composers they use. I like to think it’s part of why they’re still in the ring after all these years. The Contra series is no exception.

Toxic Dump (Parts 1 and 2)

The Ooze

Sega, 1995

Composer: Howard Drossin

Yo, let me start by saying I love this fucking game. You get to play as an amorphous blob of green mutant ooze. It’s incredibly innovative and fun, and it has a killer soundtrack to boot. This is another good example of “make the level 1 music pop so they take notice.” I could listen to it on loop for a while.

I almost want to call this shit thrash-funk. Funk-thrash. You sort it out. You tell me. I just dig it. It’s dirty but frenetic. If Quentin Tarantino directed an Oscar the Grouch segment for Sesame Street this music might work well for it.

But that should never, ever happen. Or should it?

Evergreen (Ending Theme)

Castlevania 3/Akumajou Densetsu

Konami, 1989

Composers: Yoshinori Sasaki, Jun Funahashi, Yukie Morimoto

This one’s just a little piece of beauty to help close out an incredible masterpiece of a game. CV3 is one of the finest in the series (at least in my opinion), with the JP version utilizing that delicious VRC6 cartridge expansion to enrich and deepen the music’s body. To some people (who suck), it’s just some low-bit “strings” layered over each other. To me, this track speaks of comfort. The relief and peace of a job well done. Fuck you, Dracula. Get a hobby. Stop bothering us.

But then, if he ever did, we’d run out of Castlevania juice. I need that shit. I’m thirsty. (the third season of the show is so good!)

All right RetroFans… I’ll be back with more goodness later on. Stay safe and sane, and most importantly, Stay Retro!

Old School RuneScape

Old School RuneScape, launched back in 2001, is considered a retro title by today’s standard. Making its name in the web version, OSRS has finally made it to mobile, and there’s been no compromise on quality. The mobile version is a replica of the web variant, and by subscribing players will be able to get stuck into even more action. OSRS still has a considerable following, 18 years after its release, so it’s no surprise that the mobile version of the hit game is fairing so well.

Sega Forever titles

SEGA, back in the day, created some epic games, as well as characters. From Sonic the Hedgehog through to Kid Chameleon, SEGA games were stuff dreams were made of. The great news is, Android users can now get stuck into these classic SEGA titles, and they can even play them all add free. Every gamer will have enjoyed a SEGA title or two at some point and being able to relive them all on-demand is retro gold. Sonic the Hedgehog is, of course, the pick of the bunch.

Square Enix games

Like SEGA, Square Enix is a company who have produced some fantastic games over the years. When it comes to retro games, you could describe Square Enix as being old hands, and now their console classics have made it to mobile. They’ve also undergone a bit of a facelift too, to ensure they have a bit of a modern look and feel about them. Players can enjoy Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest titles, as well as others, to experience retro mobile gaming at its very best.

Tetris

Tetris is a game which has been modernised and redeveloped over the years, but it always seems to have stayed the same where the game mode is concerned, and that’s fantastic news. It was the addictive gameplay which attracted players when the game was first released, and that remains its biggest draw still to this day. Players can now enjoy Tetris in all its glory on mobile, allowing them to play on the go, just as they could when the game hit the GameBoy all those years ago.

Minesweeper

Who remembers playing Minesweeper on PC years ago, to pass a few minutes during a school lesson, or while on a break at work? The game, which became very popular due to how simple it is to play, has recently made a comeback on Android, and now players can attempt to sweep the field free of mines. It’s a classic game, with several new features added, and by far and away one of our favourite retro titles available to play on Android devices.

Super NES Classic

The Super NES Classic edition takes gamers back to the 1990’s, when console gaming was very much in its heyday, and it does it all in a much smaller version of the original. The Super NES Classic will allow gamers to enjoy a huge dose of 16-bit nostalgia, with the console sporting rewind, my game play demo and frame features. Players will be able to enjoy classic titles such as Super Mario World, The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past and Donkey Kong Country.

PlayStation Classic

You could say that the original PlayStation changed the gaming world forever, so who wouldn’t want to head back and relive the good old days? The PlayStation Classic is everything the 1994 original was, but 45% smaller, and players can of course link the console to their TV via a HDMI cable. Epic titles such as TEKKEN 3 and Final Fantasy VII feature as two of the titles available to play.

Sega Mega Drive Classic

Sega were very much key players in the gaming industry back in the day, with their consoles always well received by players. One of the finest creations was of course the Sega Mega Drive, so the Sega Mega Drive Classic has fast become one of the most sought-after retro pieces. Players can enjoy iconic game series’ such as Sonic and Mortal Kombat, all on the one console. Stereo sound and multiplayer are both available, to take this retro gaming experience to the next level.

Atari ‘Retro’ Handheld

The Atari provided the first gaming experience for many people, so a retro version of the console which sports the immortalised wood effect and TV output has been very well received by gamers around the world. Based on the Atari 2600, players will be able to get stuck into 50 built-in games and can either enjoy them on the console’s 2.4” screen, or their TV. This is a console which provides a true retro experience.

Sega Genesis Mini

We said Sega were kings of games consoles back on the day, and therefore it should come as no surprise to see them with another entry on our list. This time it’s the Sega Genesis Mini, which is a miniature version of the very successful and hugely popular Sega Genesis. Out in September of this year, gamers are already eagerly anticipating its release, with the console featuring 40 iconic games, which come preloaded. Ecco The Dolphin, Sonic the Hedgehog and Castlevania Bloodlines all come included, with players able to link the console up to their TV via HDMI.

Hokuto no Ken/Last Battle

Sega/Toei, 1989

Yes, it’s Fist of the North Star. Or at least it’s set in that reality with you as the cranium-popping protagonist. American localization changes his name to Aarzak… what the fuck. Like, why even bother? Just leave it alone. (UPDATE: Apparently the NA version was not licensed under the IP for some reason.) You punch and kick your way across a wasteland map, engaging in arena fights, wild brawls, and deadly mazes. I can’t begin to decipher the “best ending” for the game, but I know it has multiple “chapters,” and I also know that I get my ass handed to me in every arena fight. Sometimes allies find you and have a little gift for you; this, like many events in the game, seem arbitrary or random. Senseless, even.

Post-Modern Interpretive Dance at its Finest.

Your punches can explode motherfuckers, as one would expect. They can also deflect projectiles. Your kick is no joke, either. The post-apocalyptic nightmare world is full of marauding hockey mask men, crust punks, amateur body builders, etc. just waiting to get in your path so you can tell them they’re already dead.

The graphics are pretty nice, with some parallax and great detail on backgrounds as well as the pretty high quality spritework. Most of the characters don’t suck or look awful. Hokuto no Ken’s soundtrack is underrated, and displays a high level of well-executed complexity one can easily miss for the one thing I hold against this game. That is, it’s repetitive as hell (which means it eventually gets tedious). I give Hokuto no Ken a 6 out of 10. I like the effort, and for what it is, it’s really polished and detailed.

Dark Castle

Mark Stephen Price/Jonathan Gay, 1991 (1986)

I love a good medieval fantasy. I’m not even terribly picky. I’ll still play those old SSI D&D games when I need my fix. I’ve seen a lot of “adventure” games come and go. The Dark Castle port for the Mega Drive has to be one of the most unfortunate things that ever happened to unwary players.

As Prince Duncan, you have to navigate the Black Knight’s castle to topple him from his throne. Seeing as you’re a wealthy and powerful prince, you’ve decided to arm yourself with… some fucking rocks. I’m sure there’s some philosophical statement or Biblical allegory here, but I’m pretty sure even the Disciples would agree: clumsily aimed rocks are a poor weapon against literally everything. The prince runs and jumps (badly), ducks (slowly), and makes sure to pick up more fucking rocks when he finds them.

Yeah, I see a whole lotta fuckin’ trouble all right.

This wasn’t a fantastic game when it was on the Mac or C64. It looks like lazy MS Paint, and I’d even say it looks rushed. Like no one gave a shit. The sound is abysmal, and perhaps the greatest affront is that a strangled MIDI rendition of JS Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” loops nonstop.

Non. Stop.

I love that piece of music. I am a huge fan of the classical organ and people so often overlook the bulk of the piece, focusing only on the first few measures it’s famous for. But now I can’t listen to it on the organ for at least a week. I give Dark Castle 2 out of 10. Disgusting.

Ren & Stimpy Show Presents: Stimpy’s Invention

BlueSky, 1993

This was one of my favorite ones growing up, for two reasons: I loved Ren & Stimpy; and it was short. I’ve always valued a game I don’t have to sit and play for 4 hours, and this one’s a masterpiece. John K.’s cat & dog duo in their own Genesis game… and it doesn’t suck like you expect so much of the licensed games for the MD to suck.

1 or 2 players (simultaneously) must navigate strange and “exotic” locales as the boys look for the pieces of Stimpy’s Mutate-o-Matic, an invention that turns household garbage into food. The game is full of entertaining enemies and challenges, and Ren & Stimpy have to work as a team, executing team-up moves when certain button combos are pressed when close to each other. The game gets a little harder as it goes on, but for the most part it’s a madcap war of attrition.

Tooting around the aviary at the zoo.

The graphics are good-quality Sega graphics, with lots of animation really taking advantage. The sound is exceptionally good, even including some not-too-sloppy digitized voices from the show. The music is pretty snazzy in some places, especially the zoo and the pound. I give Ren & Stimpy 8 out of 10. It’s a lot of fun to play 2 players, it’s got me by the nostalgia, and it’s still fun.

April holds even more retro gaming goodness in store. See you then!

Gunstar Heroes

Sega, 1993

This is one of the finest run-and-gun games I have ever played. The smug part of me (a big part) would like to just leave it at that, but I don’t get paid to write one-sentence paragraphs, nor would that really do Gunstar Heroes any justice. Gunstar Heroes is like Contra cubed. Contra multiplied by an exponent of itself. Your mission is, in summary, to break a spell used by a tyrant to take hold of the entire world by collecting some gems. Sega seems to like gems for some reason. We won’t get into it. There’s no need. If you are even passingly familiar with their other franchises, you know what I mean. To achieve your goal, you (and optionally, a second player) must tackle the tyrant’s massive army, which includes some really heavy hitters and weird stuff.

Hover-biking giant robot chase scenes? You betcha.

Sega cooked this game up, and from top to bottom, it shows. You not only shoot and run, but you’ve got jump kicks and other tricks, not to mention two-person moves and a variety of gun power-ups. You’re sliding down inclines, riding hover bikes, all kinds of great action-oriented shit is going on. It’s legitimately engaging and exciting. Over-the-top boss fights and a great cartoonish theme make this a ton of fun, and 2-player mode is bonkers. It’s always good to see decent co-op two player games from this era, because so many were “take turns” or just boring in general.

The graphics are pretty sick, with plenty of color and character. The bosses really stand out; many of them are made of separate sprites moving as one (or so it seems, I don’t know exactly how they did that, I’m just a fan, not a programmer). The music and sound are what you’d expect from Sega during this period, rich and well-written to fit the bombastic action theme. I’d like to stress again: this game is hella fun with two players.

Gunstar Heroes gets an 8 out of 10 from me. Solid game, and another one I liked even more when re-encountering it as an adult fan.

Sonic Spinball

Sega, 1993

Some people love this game, and a few people hate it. I’m in the first camp, for sure. I’m a sucker for pinball in any form, be it real or virtual, and despite… well, everything about Sonic in the current era, I’m also a big fan of the franchise. This game holds a special spot in my heart much like Mr. Driller or the original DOOM; I have fond memories of playing Spinball during lousy parts of my life and it really allowing me to detach myself and relax.

There’s not much to discuss in the way of a plot. Robotnik’s being a dick again, Sonic has to step up and teach his ass a lesson, but this time it’s framed as a pinball experience. There are little parts where you’re not behaving like a blue spinning version of the silver ball, but for the most part, what you see is what you get.

The tables are challenging and contain some novel Sonic-flavored elements to them, including the theme-appropriate collection of rings and the end goal of collecting those damn Chaos Emeralds. (More gems. See?) Even cooler is the fact that each table is actually multiple tables, and you’ve got to navigate a very broad space to get things done and progress. Sometimes you’re even running and jumping around like Sonic normally does. There are even boss fights, since Robotnik seemingly loves to get his shit pushed in repeatedly by a little blue hedgehog. Sonic Spinball is a great time-killer without being boring or overly repetitive. The game also keeps score like a normal pinball game would, and is otherwise focused on that format. I could play most pinball tables for hours if life permitted me to fuck around that much, and this one’s no exception.

Jesus, Robotnik. One of your face is enough.

The music, again, is solid and on par with what Sega was capable of during the Genesis era. The Toxic Caves theme really stands out, not only as the first level music but as a good upbeat funk-type piece that seems right at home in a 1990s Sonic game. Spinball ups the ante graphics-wise, as well. There’s a lot of animation and activity, and Robotnik’s boss appearances are particularly well-detailed.

I give Sonic Spinball an 8 out of 10. It’s a bit of a novelty job, but it’s fun, it looks good, and it plays well.

Ristar

Sega, 1995

“This is one of those cutesy games,” I muttered to myself while loading the rom up in Fusion. I was absolutely right, and further expected to be let down by it, but it’s actually not terrible. Sure, it’s another platformer, and a lot of it is nauseatingly adorable, but it’s a ton of fun to play and it’s well-produced. (It just occurred to me that all three of today’s games are produced by Sega.) You assume the role of a little star dude in a distant galaxy, who (in a recurring theme not only in Genesis games but video games as a whole) is fighting against tyranny, this time in the form of a big nasty named Kaiser Greedy. Greedy is a “space Pirate” intent on ruling the planet Flora (Neer in the JP version) and the surrounding star system by force. This is another one of those games where they did way too much fiddling with the story from JP to NA release, so I’m not going to write a Cutting Room Floor style essay about it. Suffice it to say, it’s up to Ristar, with his gigantic stupid face and childlike digitized voice, to save the Valdi System from the beefy baddies.

It’s a platform game, and a late entry into the category during the era in question, but Ristar can do some cool stuff with his stretchy arms, like propel himself like a catapult or deliver vicious grabbing headbutts to enemies. A lot of play is based around the use of Ristar’s stretchy arms, but there’s plenty of conventional platform elements too: the run and jump stuff, underwater levels, bonus stages, and some pretty cool boss fights (including wizards and shit, which I’m always down for).

Get down here so I can rope-arm headbutt your ass, you dizzy bastard.

The digitized sound isn’t very good, and Ristar’s voice is creepily childish. The other sound, as well as the BGM, is pretty good. Not necessarily top form Sega stuff, but adequate. The visual experience is on par for a higher-quality Sega-produced Genesis game, with a lot of color and variety befitting the cute bubblegum flavor of the game as a whole.

I give Ristar 7 out of 10. It’s not what I’d call a classic, or even exceptional, but it brings enough of its own juice to the table and offers a fun experience to anyone who loves platformers.

Expect The third and final chunk of Sega-meat on Saturday, RetroFiends! Thanks for reading!

Yes, folks, we’ll be giving the Sega Mega Drive, known in North America as the Genesis, the same attention we gave the NES last month. While I had an NES and enjoyed it very much, the Sega Genesis is likely the console I’ve put in the most hours on, and as I’ve said before, I was on the Sega side of the fence for the Console Wars when it competed with the Super NES. There’s a lot to love about the system. In particular, I’ve always liked the unique sound that the YM2612 chip lent the music, not to mention some of the remarkable titles Sega self-produced for the platform. There was nothing wrong with the SNES, but if you were cool… you had a Genesis.

The Ooze

Sega/Sonic Team, 1995

I wanted to start with this one because I missed it as a kid, only to discover it years later, and it blew my fucking mind. You play as this scientist who finds out some grody stuff about his employer’s business. Your boss tries to kill you by exposing you to some gnarly green slime, but little does he know he just created one of the coolest protagonists for a video game ever. With what’s left of your humanity, you set out for revenge.

GRAAAAH! He’s so fucking cool, man. I can’t even be mad that I missed it as a kid because it was worth uncovering it years later and being jazzed as hell.

YOU PLAY AS A SLIME MONSTER. It’s as cool as it sounds. You slide around as an amorphous blob, able to do all the things a blob could do (move through tight spaces, etc.) and capable of whipping out deadly pseudopods to murder and devour anything in your path. Getting attacked reduces your mass, but turning creatures into ooze and subsuming them replenishes it. There are even power ups, despite the idea that you’re already pretty boss as a sentient ooze. The controls take a little getting used to, but once you’re comfortable, you’re really going to enjoy yourself. The soundtrack is really good, especially the first stage, the toxic dump. Really good digitized SFX as well, with some nice voice samples that come through crisp and clear. I shouldn’t even have to say that the graphics are incredible, but I will, because holy shit. It’s not just normal sprites for your ooze man; your character is composed of modular chunks of 16-bit slime that flow in a very “realistic” fashion. A lot of effort clearly went into this game, and it shows.

I give The Ooze 8 out of 10. It is what I consider a high quality game, giving you the total package when it comes to gameplay and the audiovisual experience.

The Terminator

Probe/Virgin, 1992

I really don’t care much about the third and subsequent films, but Terminator 1 and 2 are, in my opinion, among the best science fiction films ever made. I doubt many of you would disagree, especially since the first one is filled to the brim with that dark-neon 80s starkness that retrowave/synthwave fans adore (myself included).

Unfortunately, the Genesis game is a woeful sack of wet horse shit.

You play as Kyle Reese, first in the future (to get to the past) and then in the past (to save the fucking future). The game follows the plot of the movie, at least loosely. A lot of the game involves just slugging through areas and getting hurt with very little in the way of mobility, hoping for the little health tanks to drop from enemies. I don’t remember Kyle murdering hundreds of police in the movie either, especially not with a crazy rapid-fire shotgun. This game plays like a sloppy death metal album: just things smashing and being smashed together as you mechanically plow through it and hope you don’t die (or just stop caring, like I did).

I spent several minutes just fighting my way out of this dead end. Just constantly hurling grenades at buff shirtless cyborgs. It’s like trying to have sex to grindcore music. It becomes mechanical and you get mentally tired.

To be fair to it, I’ll mention a couple things they did really well. The dialogue scenes between levels are actually pretty cool, featuring only minor affronts to the English language and some very well-done, almost comic-book style presentation. Some of the later levels feature interesting elements and stipulations; the police station requires you to reach Sarah Connor before the T-800 does and is a fairly good attempt at capturing the movie’s intensity.

I just wasn’t impressed with the game as an overall end-product. With the money Virgin has, they could have published a much better game. Terminator gets 3 out of 10 from me. It was almost depressing how “throwaway” this effort seemed.

Devil Crash MD/Dragon’s Fury

Naxat/Technosoft, 1991

“Are you just using this as an excuse to talk about Devil Crash again?”

Yes. Yes I am.

It’s no secret that I love the Naxat “Crash” pinball series. Virtual pinball is a great way to pass time, and Naxat fucking nailed it with Alien Crush and Devil Crash. Unfortunately, my PC-Engine emulator is on the fritz, so I’ve been playing the Mega Drive version of Devil Crash (called Dragon’s Fury in its North American release for the Genesis) to feed the beast.

Nothing is really lost in translation from platform to platform. The game still looks gorgeous, rife with cartoon-occult schlock imagery and straight-up Halloween wickedness. The Mega Drive’s YM2612 handles the music well, although it doesn’t seem as “blended” smooth as it does on the TG-16. Small loss, though. Play is the same; in fact I even think the game handles a little bit better on the Mega Drive. That might just be me, though. I’m very good at deluding myself. (I even call myself a writer sometimes.)

She’s still there, and she’s still a real knockout. Hubba Hubba!

The only thing that bothers me about the MD port of Devil Crash is that they named the American version Dragon’s Fury and pointlessly watered down a lot of the weird occult content. I understand the motives and all, you want to protect your children from the nefarious secret Satan codes they put in the video games… but we were way too fucking soft about this kind of thing back then. You gotta know the Enemy to fight him, and the best arena for that is pinball. Put on the Armor of God and hit the paddles!

As a solid port and a great game on its own merit, I give Devil Crash MD 8 out of 10.

I will catch you in a day or two for part 2 of this one, folks. Stay Retro!

Here are just a few of the vintage video-game experiences you can enjoy on Android and iOS devices today, ranging from platformers and shooters to slot machines and beyond.

Sega Forever Collection

It may have ducked out of the home console market almost two decades ago, but Sega is still a major presence on the development and publishing scene. If you want to relive some of its genre-defining games from the era of the Master System and Mega Drive, then you need to check out the Forever Collection.

This anthology of games includes everything from well known titles like Sonic The Hedgehog 2 to more obscure options like Comix Zone. And best of all is the fact that every one is free to play. You can pay a small fee to get rid of the in-app ads if you want, but there’s no obligation if you’re happy to sit through the occasional onscreen promotion.

Final Fantasy II

Fans of Square Enix and its historic series of JRPGs will appreciate the ability to play earlier games while out and about. And if you’ve yet to delve into the world of Final Fantasy, the second entry is a good place to start.

Its mobile adaption includes upgraded graphics, new dungeons and an immersive, sprawling storyline that will keep you playing for hours. If you like strategic, turn-based combat and deep characters, it is an excellent choice to add to your collection, even with its premium price point.

Alternatively why not check out the well-received mobile version of Final Fantasy XV to see how the series has progressed.

DOOM Classic

In the mid-90s the first person shooter genre was brought kicking and screaming into existence by the young team at ID Software. Today DOOM is still alive and well, with its most recent incarnation on PC and consoles managing to go back to what made the original so great.

To experience the claustrophobic corridors and squealing demons of the first game, all you need to do is install DOOM Classic on your iPhone. It comes with all of the levels and features you’d expect, along with the option to listen to the rocking soundtrack separately and take advantage of touchscreen controls to stay involved with the gameplay.

The app itself is getting on for 10 years old, but regular updates are still released to ensure that it is compatible with the newest versions of iOS.

Double Triple Chance

Mobile slots have improved massively over the years, bringing the experience of playing a casino to portable platforms in incredibly inventive ways. But if all the bells and whistles are getting you down, why not play Double Triple Chance at Casumo?

With three reels, five paylines and plenty of fruity icons, it is every inch the classic slot machine experience. And because you can play for free in the trial mode, you don’t have to risk any cash to go back in time and enjoy retro gaming excitement wherever you are.

Tetris

It seems like Tetris has been re-imagined in thousands of different forms over the years. But if you want a back to basics experience which is playable in the palm of your hand, the mobile edition published by EA is your best bet.

Sure, there are different game modes to try out, and the colourful graphics look quite a bit different from the green and grey of the Game Boy original. But the core mechanics remain the same and this is a game that can be enjoyed in short bursts or over longer sessions, which gives it plenty of flexibility.

Pac-Man Championship Edition

Tetris may be iconic, but Pac-Man is a mascot for the entire industry. The arcade style of this game is perfectly suited to mobile play, as are the simplicity of the controls, which avoid a lot of the complications that modern titles can suffer.

The graphics combine retro charm with contemporary effects, and this Championship Edition is arguably the definitive Pac-Man experience.

The Secret of Monkey Island – Special Edition

Often seen as the funniest, most enjoyable point and click adventure game of all time, this 1990 game was given a makeover a few years ago, with enhanced graphics and added voice acting. It is a natural fit for mobile play, with an interface that works well with your fingertips rather than a mouse.

You can even switch back to the classic graphics and audio effects if you do not want the remastered experience, which is a nice touch that many other developers have since copied. So get downloading and try these retro classics today.

At the end of last month, we looked at three titles from the year 1987, taking stock of their pros and cons thirty years after their original release. I like to think of the process as something between an honest review, a nostalgic look back, and a brutal Friar’s Club roast (except I’m nowhere near as funny as any of those guys). This week I’ve chosen three more games from ’87 for us to slap around before giving them a big kiss and saying “happy 30^th.”

Karate Kid

Atlus/LJN

November 1987

Daniel turns the Japanese kids on to some Florida-style death metal. I like how “map” is just a line.

Here’s another license LJN got their grubby hands on during the 80s. I never had a strong opinion about any of the films,but karate was a big deal during the era in question and I understand why they had such success. I hear they’re doing a TV series, which makes me happy for Ralph Macchio since he really faded into the background once he hit adulthood. I digress… the NES game lumps the first two films together, focusing mainly on the second installment set in Japan. The first “stage” consists of a karate tournament that can be won relatively easily by spamming kicks and being insanely aggressive. Once you end up in Okinawa, things get trickier. You have to fight tons of thugs (some of them are carrying what look like harpoons), walk through a typhoon, and save your cute Japanese girlfriend from the massive prick who’s the student of Miyagi’s rival in the second movie. You actually have to save her twice, but only one of those times require you to actually beat Growly Scowly (a quick Wikipedia search tells me his name is Chozen and the girl’s name is Kumiko). Truly, Daniel-san was living a modern otaku’s wet dream. Or hero fantasy. I don’t know.

I can’t really smear Karate Kid in terms of overall quality. It’s hard but not stupid hard, has some pretty cool minigames, and there’s a level of polish present that you can tell Atlus was responsible for. The graphics are pretty good except for two things: the power-ups are just letters, and what the fuck is up with Daniel’s face in some of the minigames?

like a kewpie doll cross-bred with a Roswell alien.

My one complaint is that the game’s kind of short once you get the hang of it. Otherwise, Karate Kid is one of those few exceptions to a rule: a game published by LJN that didn’t come out the other end looking like forty dollars worth of chewed bubblegum.

Black Tiger

Capcom

August 1987

Listen up, because this is one of Capcom’s less well-known arcade titles, but probably one of its best from the pre-SFII era. Black Tiger is fucking crazy. The story’s fairly basic: three dragons slapped a kingdom around until that kingdom was pretty much bullshit; enter the protagonist, a berserk knife-hurling bodybuilder who wears just enough armor to look armored but never enough not to show the world how he keeps it real in the gym.

“Like what you see?”

Let me veer slightly off topic for a second, in reference to the main character’s melee weapon: these things are called flails, not morningstars or mace-and-chain. A flail, which evolved from the ancient tool used to process grain, is one or more weighted heads on lengths of rope or chain, affixed to a handle. A morningstar (also called a godentag, meaning “good day,” a morbid twist of humor I adore) is usually just a massive club with bands of iron and spikes augmenting the ass-beating end.

So our dude here battles his way through a dangerous fantasy world using a deadly throwing knife/flail combo, smashing the minions of the three dragons and un-petrifying some “wise men” he finds as stone statues along the way. For his trouble, the stone-to-fleshed guys will give the hero extra time on the clock or zenny coins. I KNOW A BUNCH OF YOU NERDS LOVE MONSTER HUNTER, so that currency will sound familiar; Black Tiger was the game that first featured it. Anyway, chests and hidden treasures (in walls, etc.) have more powerups like armor, life refills, extra lives, and more. Just like another Capcom title, Magic Sword, some of the chests are full of nothing but fuck-you and will hurt you if you don’t react quickly after opening them. You can also spend those sexy zenny coins on items in shops run by the little beardy guys you keep de-stoning. While the game is a platformer, it has a lot of areas to explore… almost enough that you’d want a map screen or something, but it’s pretty hard to actually get lost.

Bedecked in gold, ready to obliterate a dragon-man.

I am all about Black Tiger. It’s very Capcom with its epic but cartoon-like presentation, and it’s a lot of fun to play despite having a level of difficulty typical of a coin-op title. Capcom has a history of doing fairly well when crafting fantasy-style games, and this is no exception. I can’t even come down too hard on the one misgiving I do have about Black Tiger: when heard through the original equipment (or an emulation thereof), the sound effects are fucking annoying. As if to compensate, the music is of a quality on par with Capcom’s other arcade stuff… above average.

Fantasy Zone II: The Tears of Opa-Opa

Sega

October 1987

The cutest little sapient spaceship you ever did see.

I love the original Fantasy Zone. I enjoy shooters in general, and Fantasy Zone‘s combo of excellent gameplay elements and a goofy style has me lovingly devoted to it. I cannot and will not speak ill of it. It is severely awesome and if you disagree with me you should probably just go the rest of the way in that direction and admit that you’ve secretly hated video games since you were born.

I don’t get the same gooey feeling in my black heart when I play this sequel, but it’s also very good. The first thing I noticed was that the backgrounds are absolutely breathtaking. Much more

both the laser-burger boss and the candy-cake mountains are rendered in deliciously deep color.

attention was paid to this aspect the second time around, and it’s most evident in the arcade version (which came after the Mark III/Master System version, in a world where arcade versions are usually the mommy). The music isn’t quite equal to that of the original in terms of catchy-ness or charm, but a couple of tracks (notably rounds 1 and 5) come close to hitting the mark.

FZII plays very similarly to its predecessor; a little added complexity comes from the fact that each zone has two “sides” to clear before the boss shows up. Speaking of the bosses, expect no punches pulled. They are every bit as challenging as you’d hope, and you’ll have to stay alert and be quick. While FZII seems on its surface to to be a minimally altered clone of its predecessor, I’m already planning to open up my emulator after this to play it some more. Unlike so many sequels and second chapters in various media, it’s satisfyingly true to its origin but enough of its own animal that it could stand on its own merits.

Karate Kid – 6/10 (It’s not a classic, but it’s really quite good for something LJN has its name on, which impressed the shit out of me)

Black Tiger – 7/10 (when I rate something 7/10 it means I like it but I couldn’t play it nonstop for more than a day or so, which is right where this one falls in. Still a fantastic arcade platformer!)

Fantasy Zone II – 8/10 (I’ll stop comparing it to the original, but it’s definitely worth playing if you liked the first one.)

“Ugh, here he is on that Disney game BULLSHIT again.”

Well yeah, but listen… you don’t understand. Don’t worry, you will.

I have covered some Disney console titles before, both in video and article formats. Some of them are simply terrible; a few among them are cheery or entertaining, presenting a nice light-hearted break from the norm. One of them – the one I’m prepared to talk about today – is a bona fide semi-epic adventure. Hell, it’s more than that. It’s… well, let’s just get into it.

Released in all three regions (North America, Europe, and Japan) in December of ’91, QuackShot went by the title I Love Donald Duck: Georgia Ou no Hihou in Japanese. Developed and published by Sega exclusively for their own Genesis/Mega Drive console, the game was a continuation of the successful “Illusion series” of licensed Disney games by Sega. Unlike the other entries in that series, QuackShot has a decidedly “action-adventure” flavored theme and style. It’s also pretty damn clever for a 1991 Genesis-era platformer, and a ton of fun to play.

The plot finds Donald on the hunt for a legendary treasure, hinted at by a map that he finds while poking through Uncle Scrooge’s books. Our plucky duck is hounded by Disney’s classic core antagonistic asshole, Petey the god damned good for nothing jerk dog. The race for the loot takes Donald all over the world, from Duckburg to Transylvania to such exotic locales as the South Pole and a Viking ship somewhere in Northern Europe.

Jet-setting with the help of child labor. Classic Disney!

The coolest thing about QuackShot (at least to me, when I played it) is how non-linear it is for a game of its time. The places you explore with Donald usually consist of an above-ground area and an additional “dungeon” region. The catch is, sometimes you have to backtrack a little or get halfway only to find you need something elsewhere. Donald plants little flags when these kinds of things happen, serving as a checkpoint where he can call in a ride from Huey, Duey and Louie. Why the operation of a prop plane is entrusted to three children is beyond me, but we’ll hold onto that suspension of disbelief inherent to the fantastic and insane world of Disney.

Getting around and defending yourself are the two major challenges anywhere in QuackShot; In an interesting deviation from Disney’s usual kid-minded aversion to such things, Donald carries some kind of a gun. However, instead of blowing Petey’s brains out (and ruining THE MAGIC OF DISNEY), Donald fires plungers, popcorn, and bubbles out of his weapon. Once you get the red plungers, these stick to walls and can be used as springboards as well as stunning enemies. Popcorn effectively “kills” most things you shoot with it, fanning out not unlike Contra’s Spread gun. The bubbles – which require a bit of a mini-quest to obtain at first – have the useful function of blasting through certain static obstacles but also harm most enemies.

The coolest way Donald can tear ass is by picking up enough chili peppers to turn all the faces in his “temper” meter angry.

(insert death metal here)

Once this happens, he spends several seconds in what I like to call “ruthless bellowing invincible berserk murder mode.” He plunges forward without stopping, flailing his fists and bitching up a storm. You can still make him jump, thankfully, so his wrath can be visited on anyone in his reach until the anger wears off.

The primary foe Donald encounters time and time again while trotting the globe? Petey and his gang. These miserable pieces of shit lie in wait, toting their own mock firearms, waiting to cut the journey short so they can claim the loot for themselves. The fauna (and sometimes flora) of most locales are actively hostile, and each region usually has a “boss” enemy waiting to give you a hard time. Dracula (or at least his duck analog; Castlevania fans calm down) even makes an appearance!

Not to be confused with Duckula, who is also a straight baller.

The graphics are on par with other higher-caliber Genesis games, with the lush background art standing out in particular. The soundtrack is nothing short of fucking incredible, and I won’t keep talking, just have a listen. The real standouts: Duckburg and Transylvania.

Oh, man. I’m gonna have to give QuackShot a 9 out of 10. I had overlooked it for the most part when I was a kid, but it quickly became one of my favorite titles for the Genesis when I revisited it in this capacity. I highly recommend it if you’re down for a rollicking adventure with charm to spare.

It’s time to round out September with some more unbelievably lush and unforgettable art from our favorite classic games. I chose a few more, and I’ve even got some videos this time, because I got all nerd-excited over some of the choices. I also made an earnest effort to find out as much as possible about the individual artists who created these visual masterpieces… that information is oddly difficult to find – or maybe I’m just dumb as hell and don’t know where to look. If you see one I credit incorrectly or that doesn’t have an artist credit, and you’ve got that information, PLEASE TELL ME! Without any further unnecessarily wordy prefacing bullshit, let’s get right to it! Feast your eyes!!!

Salamander/Lifeforce (Konami)

Year: 1986

Artist: Uncertain, my guess is either Kenji Shimoide or Naoke Satō

The cover of the official OST, perhaps the least intruded-upon version of the base image. Back in early days, at the rental store… this snake scared me so stupid I HAD to try Lifeforce. Just to see if I could teach that snake a lesson.

You are looking into the face of galactic evil. Are you even remotely ready for this shit? Do you even know what “ready for this shit” means?

I don’t think you do, ese. I think you’re gonna get schooled into little fragments.

This one always entranced me as a kid. I originally saw it on the US NES cover, and later on in life I was awed at the detail lost in shrinking it from the original arcade flyer. I know it’s just a space snake, but it’s a fucking scary space snake, man. That perfectly coiled length behind it, framed by the yawning star-speckled nothingness of outer space.

I hope you said your space prayers, kiddo.

Space Harrier (Sega)

Year: 1985

Artist: Sega doesn’t even denote who did what in their game credits, everyone just gets lumped in as “STAFF”

I managed to find this one without the retail trim, so you could soak in the moment of visceral chaos. There’s so much going on… there is a gigantic floating brain back there. It’s got a city on top of it. Yeah, everything’s normal here.

There is a lot going on here, and you’d benefit from a close look. Soaring through planetary atmospheres destroying shit with a gun as big as you are? AMAZING career path. Let him show you.

Our dude is so unspeakably cool that he is point-blank nuking the ouroboros dragon thing without even folding p his shades and putting them somewhere safe. He knows the space babes are watching, and Space Harrier never disappoints. The stone heads just sort of toodle by; it seems like they’re either used to this shit by now or just so sullen and insular that they dare Space Harrier to destroy them.

My favorite touch is the light panic on Space Cyclops Elephant’s face. He is not even sure how he’s getting by in this ecosystem, but he sure as hell didn’t sign up for this. He’s got kids.

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK KEEP UP CARL OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK 

Meanwhile, a gleaming futuristic metropolis stands majestic against the sublime sunset in the background.

The space babes are definitely there.

DOOM (id Software)

Year: 1993

Artist: Gregor Punchatz

“I don’t need any support, advice, or compassion, because even if I am the most ruinous man, I still feel so powerful, so strong and fierce. For I am the only one that lives without hope.” -Emil Cioran

I had to come here. Had to tread the blood-red sands of Hell once more. A UAC space marine’s job is never done. It’s a good thing someone tossed med-kits and boxes of bullets all over the place.

This one image defines my late childhood/early adolescence, at least in part. I still have the 11×17 poster that I framed and hung in my room as a preteen. I just don’t keep it hung up anymore because wherever you put that thing, it sucks the eye away from everything else near it.

Here we see a man who’s pretty certain he’s about to die. He’s bleeding, the sneering legions of Hell are grasping at hims limbs, and you can see the stark animal fear building on his face beneath the visor of his helmet. He drops one, maybe two, but like a pissed-off Satanic swarm of fire ants, the demons simply pile on. His buddy’s running up, shouting that he’ll help cover a retreat. Our man doesn’t even have the breath to say what he’s thinking: you’d better turn right back around, private, or this is gonna be you about twelve seconds after I hit the ground.

That’s the thing that really nailed me to the genre and the aesthetic of games like DOOM when I was younger. I was nihilistic, full of existential terror, and coming to terms with my own mortality at an age when I should have been basking in the bucolic sunshine of oblivion. Doom grabbed me because it was not only action packed and no-holds-barred, but because it really did have this nuance of hopelessness to it. The imagery, the implied storyline, and even certain pieces of music from the game are enough to invoke images of humanity’s twilight. This cover art is no exception. We have stumbled upon a fictional future man about to die, just like billions have before him… except he’s fighting demons and it fucking rules.

Anything Yoshitaka Amano Has Done for the Final Fantasy Series (Squaresoft)

Year: So many, and it’s awesome

Artist: Yoshitaka “World-Crafting Visual Arts Deity” Amano

I’m not one of those people who gushes over shit just because it’s Japanese. Don’t get me wrong; I deeply appreciate what Japanese creators and innovators have contributed to video games throughout the history of the industry. I just tend to sift through my consumption of anything a bit more than it seems… some people do. I’m not judging them. Anyway, I WILL gush over this, because every piece of this man’s art is like Hellenic Greece and ancient Rome collided with the hyperbolic world of JRPGs and created an alternate reality where literally everyone was a god.

Left: The crew from FFII, the Japanese II that was so hard they second-guessed releasing it Stateside but relented eventually; and on the right we have FFIV’s Twin Pimp Squad, Cecil and Kain.

I have a confession to make: the latest Final Fantasy game in the series that I’ve played is IX. I just couldn’t stay interested, plus I stopped doing the console thing around the time the Dreamcast went the way of the dodo. My two favorites, both of which mark me as a minority among FF fans, are I and IV. They are the two that I grew up chewing through, that helped shape my sensibilities about RPGs. I also enjoyed VI very much because it had an even richer story than IV had, and once I got to play them in an intelligible format I fell in love with II and III.

Left: the gang from III, all grown up and jobbed out. Right: Some fabulously crazy shit from VI.

Seeing Amano render those characters in such a graceful, hyper-human style takes me back every time. There’s something deeply Classical as well as something very Art Noveau about everything he illustrates, and it depicts these characters as both visually striking and starkly human.

Splatterhouse 2 (Namco)

Year: 1992

Artist: Probably one of the following – A. Chan, Gyoee~! Miyachan, or Taiji Nagayama (again, they just pile names together in these things)

I just realized while preparing to publish: the fucking octopus has eyebrows. Click for larger version.

I finished with this one because October’s right around the corner. Horror in classic video games is one of my favorite topics to swim around in. Usually the end result of such efforts ends up either painfully cool (but not scary) or laughably shitty. The Splatterhouse series (at least, the original three) are painfully cool. This cover is so 1990s cool I can’t even look at it without muttering “yeah dude” under my breath reflexively.

He is battling the SHIT out of a massive purple mutant and an absolutely FURIOUS land octopus with what appears to be an oversized slot machine lever. You can tell he’s been busy, because that knob is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, an army of the living dead shuffles forth under the guidance of the shittiest little Eddie Haskell ghost I’ve ever seen. One look at Rick’s face tells you all you need to know: he’s HAD IT, and every single thing he can physically reach tonight is going to die.

What’s even more amazing than this is the little intro movie from the game. We’re treated to parallaxing horizons, an almost legitimately moving vision of Jennifer begging to be rescued and then PLUMMETING back into the gullet-anus of some unthinkable creature, and some really driving music that consider the best track out all three OSTs. Look on.

All right, RetroFiends. Put on your hockey masks and go get your pillow cases. I will see you in October!