Well, I’ve got five more classic video game enemies to showcase in today’s article. I’ve got more goons. More thugs. More troublesome cronies. Let’s get to it!

ROLLER

Sonic The Hedgehog, 1991

Roller is another one who’s just a dyed-in-the-wool total asshole. I’m not sure why his name is Roller and not something more sinister; he does roll, but “Roller” in my mind implies some sort of smoothness of motion. Roller’s presence in Sonic the Hedgehog is about as smooth as suffering a debilitating stroke or suddenly finding the corpse of a jogger on a greenway.

You first run into this unconscionable ball-breaker in the Spring Yard Zone, an environment that is a chore in and of itself. Roller comes zooming out of left field at bullet-speed, just as you being to relax and think… and only meticulous memorization of his favorite spots, coupled with lightning reflexes, will save you. So in my case, the little blue hedgehog is proper fucked.

Perhaps the eeriest thing about Roller is how, when in motion, he almost sort of looks like Sonic. Maybe it’s some form of foreshadowing since Sonic does eventually fight a robot version of himself (I forget if it’s in 1 or 2, go easy on me, I’m sleep deprived), or maybe it’s just a little nuance meant to psych you out. Well, I’m easy to psych out. I do it to myself daily. I’m lucky if I can even take a leak without panicking.

PHANTO

Mario 2/Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic, 1987

Everyone knows about this one, but here it is anyway. This nightmarish, ephemeral motherfucker absolutely HATES people messing with his keys. Actually, any keys. To whom the key belongs is no concern. Just don’t touch it. Don’t even fucking look at it. Phanto’s had it. He will eat your little pink guts out, Mario. He will swallow Toad whole and trip balls on his viscera. Even the Princess isn’t exempt; float all you want, bitch, he’ll find you.

I actually no-joke enjoy the challenge Phanto adds to the game. There ought to be at least a couple non-boss baddies in any game that make your gut clench and your pulse quicken. Phanto delivers. He scares the shit out of me. I will actually utter a thin cry of alarm when I seem him start to move. I’m hardly conscious of it. I’m far more conscious of Phanto. He looks like he knows how scary he is, and he gets off on it. Phanto’s worse the more you consider him as a thinking creature. Let’s stop. Eugh.

LIKE-LIKE

Legend of Zelda, 1987

Like-Likes not only have one of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard for a monster in a video game, but they also serve an incredibly specific purpose that doubles their absurdity factor. Neither their name nor their diet of large shields, however, make Like-Likes any less of a concern when you run into them. A Like-Like is essentially a super low-gauge Fleshlight given motive intelligence and an appetite.

I fucking hated saying that as much as you probably hated hearing it, folks… but I’ll never lie to you, even if it means force-feeding you absolutely godless ideas like this.

I won’t even post pics of what this thing looks like in later, more graphics-rich installments of the Zelda franchise. Words like “peristalsis” come to mind. It’s like a Lovecraftian Pokemon. Not as awesome as it may sound. Not by far.

Aside from the utter grossness of it, the Like-Like’s a day-ruiner because it will take your large shield away. The large shield is an essential item later in the game that costs a decent chunk of change to buy or replace, not to mention you’ll need to trek all the way out of the dungeon you’re in and back to a shop just to get another shield. They’re not so much lethal as they are a huge pain in the ass if you’re not careful.

THE SPACE INVADERS

Battletoads, 1991

The developers of Battletoads sat down and decided they were going to make a game of legendary difficulty. They did an absolutely fantastic job of it, that’s inarguable. Battletoads beats the living shit out of me without fail, even with cheats and two players and extensive foreknowledge of what awaits me.

What they didn’t need to do: dig up a 1978 arcade game and employ its tiny pixelated aliens to humiliate and insult me in my darkest hour.

These dicks just glide up and pluck the blocks from your life bar as if it were nothing. Then they fly away with it. It’s just gone. No injury, no battle. You can catch them, but they are often a bit too graceful. Not to mention they often show up while other things are going on. Your attention is divided and your life runs through your fingers like water.

I don’t know if it’s unfair or not, but it sure is demoralizing when some little beep-boop Atari motherfuckers snatch the vitality from your veins with the same workmanlike calmness as someone installing a refrigerator in your home.

LET’S TALK ABOUT ABOBO AND THE FUCKING HAIR

Double Dragon and Double Dragon 2, 1987-88

Let’s lighten things up a bit to close this out. We don’t need to get into the details of Abobo; we all know who he is. He’s even a meme. Hell, what isn’t a meme at this point? Anyway, when we first see the brute in Double Dragon, he’s got a head smooth as a cue-ball. This had me thinking, “okay, this guy’s balding, or he’s got something going on, but he’s making this work for him. I can relate.”

Then in the second game, he’s going for the Danny Trejo look. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but Bobe, buddy… it’s a little bold. You look like a roadie for Santana got hooked on HGH.

Eh, who am I to tell you how to live, Abobo? At least you’re not gre….

Oh god damn it Abobo.

Thanks for tuning in again, folks. One more at the end of the month. Stay Retro!

Video gaming is nothing without its heroes or villains, but what about those “friends” the Big Evil Bad Guy has filling up warehouse districts and mushroom kingdoms all across the multiverse? Without goons and henchmen, the Ganons and Bowsers of the world wouldn’t stand a chance. Dudes like Dr. Wiley would be issuing ultimatums at sunset and getting their shit pushed in by dawn. Let’s give a little love to the ubiquitous “baddie.” We’re going to have a look at some of the more colorful guys, gals, monsters and robots who decided that under-the-table cash from a cartoon psychopath sounded better than the drive-thru or the Merchant Marine. This will likely be a multi-part series, but I’ll do five at a time. Get out your autograph books!

I was kidding, you fucking nerd. Put that shit away and pay attention.

—

Special thanks today to the people on various websites who rip every sprite out of every game, thus making this an easy image hunt. Also thanks to Jakub Steiner for showing me that you can, in fact, make animated gifs in GIMP, and that it’s not that hard. My dumb ass just never knew it was there. Mind like a steel trap. Anyway…

—

BLARGG/LAVA MONSTER

Super Mario World, 1990

Blargg’s responsibility of swimming through molten rock isn’t difficult in terms of complexity or stress level. He’s just the only one on the crew who’s able to survive doing it. You can tell on his face that he doesn’t give a fuck. His job’s secure. His job is easy (for him). And you know what? It’s fun. At least he can make it fun.

I’ve always appreciated the look on this character’s face. To this day, when playing through SMW, I can’t suppress a laugh when I see his ol’ razzle-dazzlin’ ass lurch upward from the lake of fire. Blargg, you make lava a not so bad place to hang out… unless you’re killing me, in which case, you can go fuck yourself.

FLEAMAN/HUNCHBACK

Castlevania series, 1986 – present

I have played the Castlevania games for more than twenty years now, and this little bastard’s weird jumping behavior still gives me apoplexy about half the time. I don’t think “hunchback” is a terribly nice thing to say about someone who can’t help being shaped like an unspeakably ugly Fibonacci swirl, so we’ll call him Fleaman (his name in later titles in the series). Fleaman is a professional, fully bonded and accredited asshole. He is a state-registered, card-carrying, world-class piece of shit. I think Fleaman bites you to hurt you, but since all most enemies in Castlevania have to do is touch you, he could just be doing that. Gently pressing the palm of his hand on your chest while you scream in agony.

The best part about his little animations is that he’s very clearly laughing at you. Simon Belmont, you may think you’re a bad motherfucker, but this freaky little dude slightly larger than a house cat will just start bouncing around when you show up, giggling at you like you just told a joke. Stow the Vampire Killer whip for these guys and just get a good 12-gauge shotgun and some buckshot.

In later installments of the series (SotN for example), Fleaman even gets some gear upgrades. Dracula issues him a pint-sized suit of plate armor and an axe twice that must weigh more than three of him. He makes it work, trust me. Fleaman will never look a gift horse in the mouth. If you’re giving him something to murder with, his arms are wide open.

Fuck these guys, but they’re also a fantastic poster-child for the concept that Castlevania monsters take their employment with Dracula very seriously. Who the fuck wouldn’t? If your boss was a legendary ancient vampire with unspeakable magical powers, the combination of leadership morale and piss-dribble terror would be pretty motivating.

THIS STUPID WITCH OR LEPER OR LIZARD PERSON OR WHATEVER

Ninja Gaiden (NES version), 1988

Projectile attacks from enemies in video games are capable of devastating fuckery, especially when one is trying to jump, dispatch more immediate threats, and generally not die. The Hammer Brothers are well-known pros, but whatever this thing from Ninja Gaiden is supposed to be, it’s got them handily outclassed in two ways:

• Placement/Position

• Adding insult to injury by knocking me backward mid-jump with what looks like a wooden toy sword so that I fall off-screen

My mind sees this thing and immediately assumes it’s female, not even because of the pink robe or because the green skin screams “Halloween witch.” I can’t find the names of any Ninja Gaiden NES enemies besides the bosses. Here’s my head-canon/theory for a 32-year-old NES game:

—

Sewer Bitch was born with the green skin of a mythological hag, but sadly she had no talent for black magic, nor for the morally ambiguous soup recipes. She couldn’t even use a cauldron without burning her knees while she stirred it. Seething with dysphoric wanderlust, Sewer Bitch left the bright lights and chrome lining of hag society, taking up residence in a sewer (hence the name). To further divorce herself from her peers, she discarded the designer leopard-skin-print leotard worn by all modern hags. A soiled old white bedsheet, tinged pink from probably having been washed with someone’s color load, would serve her purposes much better.

To arm herself against the omnipresent rats, the outcast spent years of her idle hours gathering property stakes and packing twine in order to fashion some weapons. Not being terribly bright, and having seen someone play Legend of Zelda once on a rainy night through their bedroom window, Sewer Bitch handmade hundreds of crude, ungainly wooden “swords.” At first, opponents and onlookers would mock. Oh, how they would mock… but Sewer Bitch knew something they didn’t and couldn’t know. She’d alley-oop that chunk of wood upward as if granny-shooting a basketball, and the dumb bastards would inevitably walk right into it.

Eventually, the strange talents of the filthy monster-woman came to the attention of Jacquio, who hired her on the spot.

“Just stay here on this one impossibly tall pillar,” the demonic sorcerer told her. “Move back and forth a little bit, sure, but there’s not much point. Just keep dropping your shitty wooden knives into the space between this one and the one to your left. Ryu Hyabusa won’t even know what to do. He’ll just turn around and go home.”

—

SMILING TRAMPOLINE (I KNOW IT’S NOT AN ENEMY, IT HELPS YOU, SHUT UP, I’M STILL PICKING IT)

Felix the Cat (NES), 1992

I really can’t help but admire, even envy this fella. He’s a little springboard Felix can jump on to get some extra height, usually so Felix can find giant bags in the sky and crawl into them. Trampy (his name for the purpose of this article) doesn’t worry too much about that. He doesn’t need to know what the cat does inside the giant floating bag. He’s happy right where he is. Joyous, even.

This sentient, sapient being’s sole function in life is to literally wait for Felix (or God forbid, someone else) to jump on him. The poor bastard exists to be stepped on. There’s no better way to phrase it.

And he’s fucking smiling.

Trampy, I hope you’re still doing well, wherever you are. I hope you’re still smiling out there, giving cheerfully of yourself without any expectations of compensation, living a life of friendly altruism in some pleasant 8-bit meadow. You always helped me when I needed you, and when Felix needed more tiny round pictures of himself so that he could finally transform his weird little car into an even weirder tank. I ain’t even tryin’ to talk shit on you, my man. Stay golden. I just wanted everyone to see you shine. You’re beautiful.

BUBBLE (YES, IT’S CALLED BUBBLE, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE)

Legend of Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, 1987

Zelda II is a fucking abusive game. If Zelda II were a human father, he’d never wear a belt, because it’d never leave his raw-knuckled fist. Zelda II is swinging the buckle end because it’s had too much to drink again. The two types of Bubble behavior exemplify the game’s needless cruelty perfectly. Normally, Bubbles move in a fairly slow diagonal pattern in the Palace areas, bouncing from floor to ceiling. They can be a pain in the ass when the ceiling is low, but otherwise they’re manageable. Bubbles can even be killed for 50 XP, as opposed to their antecedents in the first game, who cannot.

So first of all, let’s clear this up right now: while you can kill them, choosing to do so is both time-consuming and risky. They drain life and magic, so they aren’t really to be fucked with unless your Zelda II skills are tight as a drum or you have some ready means of recovery handy that being drained of magic won’t fuck up for you. You have to get pretty close to them even with Link’s fully-charged sword, and every split fucking second a Bubble isn’t being hit, it’s moving… toward you.

That brings me to my second observation… some of the little floating skully bois move with an alacrity that would make a hummingbird pack up its shit, forfeit, and go home to cry. They travel in the same 45° bumper-path, just much faster. That’s really all the Bubble requires in order to be to be scary in Zelda II. Catching one of these in a low-ceiling walkway is more stressful than being audited by the IRS while your house is on fire and you’re trapped inside it. Best of luck. When multiple slow and fast Bubbles occupy an area, you’re in for a real Kentucky-fried shitfest. Just spread ’em and think of Hyrule, Link.

Thank you for tuning in once again, boils and ghouls.

And if you ever wonder what kind of shit I get up to when I’m not here, you know where to find me.

(there’s a hyperlink in the text, please don’t come to my house you animals)

Stay Retro!