Hokuto no Ken/Last Battle

Sega/Toei, 1989

Yes, it’s Fist of the North Star. Or at least it’s set in that reality with you as the cranium-popping protagonist. American localization changes his name to Aarzak… what the fuck. Like, why even bother? Just leave it alone. (UPDATE: Apparently the NA version was not licensed under the IP for some reason.) You punch and kick your way across a wasteland map, engaging in arena fights, wild brawls, and deadly mazes. I can’t begin to decipher the “best ending” for the game, but I know it has multiple “chapters,” and I also know that I get my ass handed to me in every arena fight. Sometimes allies find you and have a little gift for you; this, like many events in the game, seem arbitrary or random. Senseless, even.

Post-Modern Interpretive Dance at its Finest.

Your punches can explode motherfuckers, as one would expect. They can also deflect projectiles. Your kick is no joke, either. The post-apocalyptic nightmare world is full of marauding hockey mask men, crust punks, amateur body builders, etc. just waiting to get in your path so you can tell them they’re already dead.

The graphics are pretty nice, with some parallax and great detail on backgrounds as well as the pretty high quality spritework. Most of the characters don’t suck or look awful. Hokuto no Ken’s soundtrack is underrated, and displays a high level of well-executed complexity one can easily miss for the one thing I hold against this game. That is, it’s repetitive as hell (which means it eventually gets tedious). I give Hokuto no Ken a 6 out of 10. I like the effort, and for what it is, it’s really polished and detailed.

Dark Castle

Mark Stephen Price/Jonathan Gay, 1991 (1986)

I love a good medieval fantasy. I’m not even terribly picky. I’ll still play those old SSI D&D games when I need my fix. I’ve seen a lot of “adventure” games come and go. The Dark Castle port for the Mega Drive has to be one of the most unfortunate things that ever happened to unwary players.

As Prince Duncan, you have to navigate the Black Knight’s castle to topple him from his throne. Seeing as you’re a wealthy and powerful prince, you’ve decided to arm yourself with… some fucking rocks. I’m sure there’s some philosophical statement or Biblical allegory here, but I’m pretty sure even the Disciples would agree: clumsily aimed rocks are a poor weapon against literally everything. The prince runs and jumps (badly), ducks (slowly), and makes sure to pick up more fucking rocks when he finds them.

Yeah, I see a whole lotta fuckin’ trouble all right.

This wasn’t a fantastic game when it was on the Mac or C64. It looks like lazy MS Paint, and I’d even say it looks rushed. Like no one gave a shit. The sound is abysmal, and perhaps the greatest affront is that a strangled MIDI rendition of JS Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” loops nonstop.

Non. Stop.

I love that piece of music. I am a huge fan of the classical organ and people so often overlook the bulk of the piece, focusing only on the first few measures it’s famous for. But now I can’t listen to it on the organ for at least a week. I give Dark Castle 2 out of 10. Disgusting.

Ren & Stimpy Show Presents: Stimpy’s Invention

BlueSky, 1993

This was one of my favorite ones growing up, for two reasons: I loved Ren & Stimpy; and it was short. I’ve always valued a game I don’t have to sit and play for 4 hours, and this one’s a masterpiece. John K.’s cat & dog duo in their own Genesis game… and it doesn’t suck like you expect so much of the licensed games for the MD to suck.

1 or 2 players (simultaneously) must navigate strange and “exotic” locales as the boys look for the pieces of Stimpy’s Mutate-o-Matic, an invention that turns household garbage into food. The game is full of entertaining enemies and challenges, and Ren & Stimpy have to work as a team, executing team-up moves when certain button combos are pressed when close to each other. The game gets a little harder as it goes on, but for the most part it’s a madcap war of attrition.

Tooting around the aviary at the zoo.

The graphics are good-quality Sega graphics, with lots of animation really taking advantage. The sound is exceptionally good, even including some not-too-sloppy digitized voices from the show. The music is pretty snazzy in some places, especially the zoo and the pound. I give Ren & Stimpy 8 out of 10. It’s a lot of fun to play 2 players, it’s got me by the nostalgia, and it’s still fun.

April holds even more retro gaming goodness in store. See you then!

“One of the great all time ultra-violent anime features ever made.”

This hyper masculine rock & roll dystopian, martial arts blood bath would probably serve you best as a double feature with The Story of Rikki-Oh (live action). Now that would be one hell of a date night. I mean it and wouldn’t lead you astray.

Fist of the North Star was produced by Toei Animation, directed by Toyoo Ashida and based on the manga of the same name. This is the first feature adaptation of the original Manga by Buronson Tetsuo Hara and is more violent than the 80’s anime series. Although the series tells a more complete story, this is basically a summarized telling of the first chapters of the manga from the beginning and leading up to the conflict with the almost invincible Raoh.

Do I really need to give more exposition? The world has devolved into a wasteland after a nuclear war and its fallout. Humanity’s population has been culled into just a small percentage of what it was at its height. If there was any world of civility or law, that world is gone and blown into history with the ashes. And what’s left is chaos, suffering, pocket dictatorships, exploitation, extortion, abuse and the borders that divided countries has been erased forcing the scattered populations to group into tribes. It is here that we first meet Kenshiro; scarred by violence and traveling the wastelands of earth, helping the weak and defenseless along the way.

The art style doesn’t hold up well compared to the anime of today. However, the content and visceral nature surpasses any of the stylized, overdramatic (at times cutesy) titles of today. The music is heavy and of the period.

If the character design of Kenshiro looks familiar to anyone who owned an early SEGA GENESIS, it’s because you’ve probably owned and/or played the Genesis title LAST BATTLE on that console. Last Battle was a FIST OF THE NORTH STAR side scrolling video game that was exclusive to the Genesis at launch with other titles such as Altered Beast, Golden Axe, Revenge of Shinobi and Moonwalker. Being that the international rights for the original property was a complicated issue; SEGA just packaged the game with renamed characters such as Kenshiro’s name being changed to Aarzak.

Heavy Metal meets Jeet Kun Do (Hokuto Shinken) in an opera of artery exploding, skull bursting violence and there might even be some nunchaku involved along the way. Press Play and Watch it. Do it. Do it.

Stay classy. Stay elegant. Keep your head on your shoulders and keep your damn fingers on that REWIND button.

I thought we’d do something new, RetroFans. I figured it was time not only to offer you something fresh, but to challenge myself as well. Here’s what I did: I went into my NES ROM collection, randomly chose three games I had never played… and, well, I played them. I played each one for a minimum of an hour. This was enough to give me at least an initial impression of the game’s overall quality, and of its merits and flaws.

This ought to be interesting. Here we go.

Fist of the North Star (1989, Taxan)

Is that… Puss n Boots? …and if so, why?

I’m sure a lot of you have seen the 80s anime film this game is based on. A stark landscape, mutated super-dudes, a lot of death, a lot of gory explosions.

They… technically captured that feeling. Didn’t knock it out of the park, but I knew what was supposed to be going on.

The game establishes a tone early on; that is to say, from the very beginning, I was wandering to the right and punching or kicking whoever got in my way. True to the source material, if I punched a dude to death, he shuddered, bulged, and blew apart… but it’s very tame. I guess the limitations of 8 bit graphics must be taken into account, and also that video games are and were a kids’ market (if not exclusively, at least a fair-sized chunk). Then I fought my first boss character, who had an honest-to-God life bar and gave me a little grief. That is, until I sent him wobbling and bloating and popping like a stepped-on grape.

“Anime Elvis and the Leather Boys in Cookie Castle”

The graphics are okay-ish, and the sound is a huge improvement on a way earlier version I’ve seen for Japan’s domestic market that went by the movie’s native title (Hotoku no Ken). The main character is faithfully represented, and it looks like they did a pretty good job with the space they had. All I can count against it is that it’s actually a little too easy… until it’s too hard. It’s almost removed from human skill as long as you know the basic controls, and only boss characters pose much of a challenge. In fact, it was a boss who did me in. I also think it’s weird just how many S&M dudes are on the bad guy team. There’s a little variety later on, but not much.

Cowboy Kid (1991, Pixel/Romstar)

If that horse-riding figure is you, it seems that you lose a lot before even making it into town.

There’s only a handful of video games from the NES era that are set in the old West. Or in this case, a horrid, manic parody of the old West.

I started the game and had no way to defend myself. I was terrified. Men with guns and poles and even just toughened fists were beating me mercilessly. I ran like hell into the first open door I saw. I was both intrigued and a little unsettled as the man behind the counter casually mentioned the crime rate before offering me a free knife.

“Go ahead, son. You know what to do.”

Yes, this man told me how bad things were, and then as if to fuel the inferno, he gave me a FREE FUCKING KNIFE.

Well, needless to say, it was on.

Immediately emboldened now that I was armed, I fought my way to other buildings to see what they offered me. Everyone wanted money. That could be found by stabbing treasure chests, but I wasn’t getting very much. I needed a job. I stabbed my way over to the sheriff, who didn’t seem to mind me enforcing the law like a sadistic butcher. I was officially employed.

I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to this game than just wandering around stabbing people, but guess what I did. Apparently the position of deputy sheriff is pay-for-play, because as I slew, my bank account grew. I could buy hats, meat, maps, ladders… I was even wealthy enough to play a little blackjack.

The preferred vice of all too many archetypical Western characters.

I ended up diverted hither and yon and didn’t get far in the game’s main plot (which seems to be the doing-in of specific lawbreakers) but I won’t bullshit you: I loved this one. Frantic, cartoony music as I rush around stabbing people with a big goofy smile on my face. I mean, I love the GTA games, and I never do the plot in those until way after random murder gets old. This was like a pared-down 8 bit flavor of the same idea. I even found a glitch in one spot where dudes would just haplessly run at me while I did my emphatic stabbin’ dance.

They get sad when you stab them. Understandable, I guess.

Circus Charlie (1984/86, Konami)

“Death be not proud…”

At first, I seriously thought this would be some bitch shit. The game is about a clown. I mean, I’d say more, but there’s not much more to it. Apparently it’s a port of an arcade title, so it’s just meant to be entertaining.

This game whooped my ass like a drill sergeant on loan from the Devil’s army. It is harsh, uncompromising, and it even prompts some existential thought.

“Why do we do this?” sobbed Charlie. “BECAUSE WE MUST!” The lion growled, its voice potent yet tired.

I kept “dying” right from the get go, as I rode atop a rather defeated-looking lion while we jumped through rings of fire. There were also vases(?) full of fire, on the ground. Tricky time. I made it to the high-wire, a legitimate danger, especially since it was crawling with monkeys. I went ahead and assumed the monkeys were to be avoided… and I was painfully proven right a time or two. Then there were further tests: trapezes and rolling balls. All of it cost me dearly. I thought I’d won after the trapeze act. But what had I won?

The game started over, more difficult than before. I did not last long.

Circus Charlie is a pretty good representation of what human life is like. We do all these tricks, all these stunts, and put so much at risk… and then we come to find one day that we’re trapped in the act until we run out of life to give. Existence is brutal, it never stops moving, and you’d better keep up. Plus, really, no matter what, death will find you. Circus Charlie’s not bitching. Circus Charlie’s not putting a gun in his mouth. Circus Charlie (as far as I know) hasn’t developed crippling alcoholism. So why should we?

Here’s the final verdict, based on first impressions:

Fist of the North Star – 6/10

Cowboy Kid – 7/10

Circus Charlie – DEATH IS INEVITABLE YET WE STRUGGLE UNTIL WE MEET IT/10

“The show must go on… and that is perhaps the most absurd joke of all.”

Until next time, RetroFans… See you later this month.