To be honest, I was over it before I walked into the theater.

The GOOD:

Let’s get the good out of the way. It was faced paced.
It had moments of humor and it had moments (although some for nothing) of sadness and emotion.
The actors did what they could and had to do. I have no complaints about any of the acting from all three films in the new trilogy. Let’s be honest the acting in these films was better than the empty emotionless acting in the Prequels. They auditioned for these parts, they earned them and they did what they had to do. It’s not there fault.

The visuals were good but, it’s a DISNEY movie. I mean does having good visuals and effects really make a difference in a film funded by a multi-billion dollar media corporation.
“Wow, the aliens looks real!”
“Of course, they do. The studio spent as much money as a third world country’s economy on five minutes of footage.”

What else can I say that’s good about it? Well, they did try to wrap everything up nicely. They did try to remind us of the magic and message of hope of the whole franchise.

The BAD:

They basically all sat in a writer’s room and shat in the same burlap sack and took turns throwing clumps of shit at a bulletin board of McGuffins and fan service and duct taped the plot holes with Band-aids.
I’ll summarize because, this is a movie where the less said is better.

If you enjoy fast paced action and events happening just to happening and plot devices being pulled out of asses. Then you’ll like this film. If you were young when The Force Awakens and you love these new characters, then you’ll like the film (nothing wrong with that).

Younger audience members with enjoy the film because these are movies made for younger audiences. And these young fans will grow up and defend these movies much like a lot of twenty-somethings now defend the prequels. But, not me – To me this saga concluded with Return of the Jedi. Everything that has come after has been WEEKEND AT BERNIES.

The film does a poor job of avoiding questions raised in The Force Awakens while failing at ignoring the events of the Last Jedi. The story is just a convoluted mess of nonsense dressed in tattered rags of nostalgia and fan-service. The emperor is back but how, how did he survive Return of the Jedi? They movie never answers that. Why did he make some many Snokes? The film doesn’t answer that. How did all those Star Destroyers get buried on the planet? We don’t know. Why is he suspended on a life support harness that is attached to the sky? I don’t know. He looks like the Doctor Cenebite from Hellraiser too. I guess the makers have never seen Hellraiser. I don’t even think they’ve seen Return of the Jedi.

Is Kylo Ren now a supporting character? Yes. People use the force and die, why? We don’t know?
Did Carrie Fisher deserve better? Yes. The emperor was wasted. Now that I mention it, how does the Emperor in his decayed state look fresher than he did in Return of the Jedi? If he revived himself from the lifeforce of Rey and Kylo, why does he look like his scared self from Revenge of the Sith? Shouldn’t he look like Palpatine again?

What was the point of the very emotional scene of 3PO saying goodbye to his friends when R2 was just going to reboot his memory at the end? A good scene wasted. How good was it? Well three seats down from me in the front row was a middle-aged man sunken into his seat sobbing his eyes out with rivers of tears cascading down his face onto his Championship NY Jets Jersey.

There were good moments in the film and some good action set pieces but, with no defined plot to thread them together it was all for nothing.

Basically, Rey is a Palpatine grandchild. Palpatine is offering Kylo the entire ‘LAST ORDER’ fleet of star destroyers to Ren if he can bring the girl to him. Yes, the ‘LAST ORDER’. A fleet of hundreds of star destroyers armed with planet killer cannons. You know, because we people are tired of ultimate weapons in their star wars films, you give them a hundred ultimate weapons. Rey, Fin, Po, BB, 3po and Chewie go on a treasure hunt for a sith-finder. The sith-finder that resembles a throwaway prop from an episode of DOCTOR WHO can give its owner the coordinates to the secret sith fleet and Emperor Palpatine. The movie takes off from there and it does move. All these events and shenanigans leading our heroes to a fairly decent space battle and ground fight on the planet bumblefuck until, the big showdown between the ying-yang couple and Emperor Frankenberry.

From then on, it’s drek. And I was the first one out the theater during the smattering of applause.
It’s not complete garbage but, it’s not great. It’s decent for an ugly date. Like I said, the cast did their thing and did a decent job. The fault of all of this falls on the hands of Disney and JJ. Rian Johnson too but, he said, “You don’t like it, fuck it” and bailed a long time ago and is doing well with his own projects like KNIVES OUT which is a great movie.

This new trilogy was not planned out well, not executed well, not written well and taken for granted. They relied too much of the blind undying devotion and in some cases fanatical support of the Star Wars fans to send them laughing to the bank. But, their arrogance made them into villains for a confused and divided fanbase to decide how to justify or how to make sense of it all.

Good luck in a galaxy far, far, away. Better luck on the next trilogy or film. And thank your lucky stars that the writers of Game of Thrones aren’t involved with the next Star Wars movies. Because, this new trilogy may have been bad but, it didn’t suck like Season 8 did.

But, hey, you got The Mandalorian.

“Ugh, here he is on that Disney game BULLSHIT again.”

Well yeah, but listen… you don’t understand. Don’t worry, you will.

I have covered some Disney console titles before, both in video and article formats. Some of them are simply terrible; a few among them are cheery or entertaining, presenting a nice light-hearted break from the norm. One of them – the one I’m prepared to talk about today – is a bona fide semi-epic adventure. Hell, it’s more than that. It’s… well, let’s just get into it.

Released in all three regions (North America, Europe, and Japan) in December of ’91, QuackShot went by the title I Love Donald Duck: Georgia Ou no Hihou in Japanese. Developed and published by Sega exclusively for their own Genesis/Mega Drive console, the game was a continuation of the successful “Illusion series” of licensed Disney games by Sega. Unlike the other entries in that series, QuackShot has a decidedly “action-adventure” flavored theme and style. It’s also pretty damn clever for a 1991 Genesis-era platformer, and a ton of fun to play.

The plot finds Donald on the hunt for a legendary treasure, hinted at by a map that he finds while poking through Uncle Scrooge’s books. Our plucky duck is hounded by Disney’s classic core antagonistic asshole, Petey the god damned good for nothing jerk dog. The race for the loot takes Donald all over the world, from Duckburg to Transylvania to such exotic locales as the South Pole and a Viking ship somewhere in Northern Europe.

Jet-setting with the help of child labor. Classic Disney!

The coolest thing about QuackShot (at least to me, when I played it) is how non-linear it is for a game of its time. The places you explore with Donald usually consist of an above-ground area and an additional “dungeon” region. The catch is, sometimes you have to backtrack a little or get halfway only to find you need something elsewhere. Donald plants little flags when these kinds of things happen, serving as a checkpoint where he can call in a ride from Huey, Duey and Louie. Why the operation of a prop plane is entrusted to three children is beyond me, but we’ll hold onto that suspension of disbelief inherent to the fantastic and insane world of Disney.

Getting around and defending yourself are the two major challenges anywhere in QuackShot; In an interesting deviation from Disney’s usual kid-minded aversion to such things, Donald carries some kind of a gun. However, instead of blowing Petey’s brains out (and ruining THE MAGIC OF DISNEY), Donald fires plungers, popcorn, and bubbles out of his weapon. Once you get the red plungers, these stick to walls and can be used as springboards as well as stunning enemies. Popcorn effectively “kills” most things you shoot with it, fanning out not unlike Contra’s Spread gun. The bubbles – which require a bit of a mini-quest to obtain at first – have the useful function of blasting through certain static obstacles but also harm most enemies.

The coolest way Donald can tear ass is by picking up enough chili peppers to turn all the faces in his “temper” meter angry.

(insert death metal here)

Once this happens, he spends several seconds in what I like to call “ruthless bellowing invincible berserk murder mode.” He plunges forward without stopping, flailing his fists and bitching up a storm. You can still make him jump, thankfully, so his wrath can be visited on anyone in his reach until the anger wears off.

The primary foe Donald encounters time and time again while trotting the globe? Petey and his gang. These miserable pieces of shit lie in wait, toting their own mock firearms, waiting to cut the journey short so they can claim the loot for themselves. The fauna (and sometimes flora) of most locales are actively hostile, and each region usually has a “boss” enemy waiting to give you a hard time. Dracula (or at least his duck analog; Castlevania fans calm down) even makes an appearance!

Not to be confused with Duckula, who is also a straight baller.

The graphics are on par with other higher-caliber Genesis games, with the lush background art standing out in particular. The soundtrack is nothing short of fucking incredible, and I won’t keep talking, just have a listen. The real standouts: Duckburg and Transylvania.

Oh, man. I’m gonna have to give QuackShot a 9 out of 10. I had overlooked it for the most part when I was a kid, but it quickly became one of my favorite titles for the Genesis when I revisited it in this capacity. I highly recommend it if you’re down for a rollicking adventure with charm to spare.

Disney owns everything now. They own Darth Vader and Spider-Man. Disney is a monolith… an empire. We kneel at its majestic feet and howl that we are unworthy to bask in its glow. We fork over heaps and heaps of dough to soak generation after generation of our children in Disney’s particular flavor of saccharine, and that company has more money than some countries do. Disney has us on a leash.

And because we crave abuse, sweet sweet abuse, we love it.

It definitely spills over into the video game market. Of course it does! They have a whole department of people who examine and analyze all the other shit that kids and preteens are into, and they make sure they’ve got a finger in the pie. What started with the Nintendo Entertainment System continues with series like Kingdom Hearts. You’ve got Squaresoft writing games involving twiggy little blond anime kids saving the Magic Kingdom alongside Goofy. Sure, it sounds absurd… but the things is, most of the games are good.

Capcom yielded a bumper crop of NES titles for Disney during the middle and latter periods of the system’s lifespan. They developed many of the titles, and published a few as well, keeping their hand in the till as the house that Walt built wrote check after check. This resulted in a pretty high standard of quality; while LJN was pulling licensing deals out of a Powerball machine and releasing uninspired digital gruel, Capcom was taking the stairs instead of the elevator and making sure they looked you in the eye when they shook your hand. I’ve plucked a couple of games from this family for review in the past, but I figured it was time to immerse myself (and as a result, you) a little deeper.

The Little Mermaid

1991

The Little Mermaid was a pretty big fucking deal in the early 90s. Did you know that the early VHS release had a dick on the cover? It was hidden as one of the towers on the castle! As a grown man, that is the first thing I think of when the film is mentioned.

Let’s put it this way: if that’s NOT supposed to be a schlong, then Freud would have a field day with this artist.

Anyway… you know how Capcom do. They turned this bitch out. I mean, at least for a game based on Disney’s The Little Mermaid. The intro is long, covering a paraphrased and liberally switchboarded version of the movie’s plot. These narrative scenes are the game’s only real flaw; the characters all seem like doll-eyed mannequins in some calm but churning hell. The music, which is decent everywhere else in the game, is meandering and bland.

“Listen, I don’t know, I’m just a fucking crab, okay? I emcee for your dad, I pay my bills, and occasionally bet too much on the seahorses and end up in hock with the mob. How the hell am I supposed to know how to get you a pair of feet? Ursula’s as good a bet as any, honey. It’s that or stay down here as the sexiest little chicken of the sea. Carpe diem.”

The game itself is worth aggressively skipping the cut scenes for. Ariel swims through the familiar locales of the film, dealing with threats by trapping fish in bubbles to throw as weapons or picking up loose items. It’s similar to the Chip n’ Dale NES cart Capcom released the year previous, but Ariel is a good deal more versatile and also doesn’t run around bashing herself on the head like those little assholes do in their game. There’s an additional aspect where you collect pearls to up the power and range of your attacks, as well as some light puzzle solving. I hadn’t messed with this one much as a kid, but revisiting it was a fun experience.

I would describe the graphics as “slightly shittier than Mega Man.” There’s not a ton of definition in a lot of the sprites, but hey, they’re fish. The backgrounds look pretty good (especially on the ice level and the sunken ship) and things have a colorful but controlled tone to them. As I said before, the music during game play is pretty good, an upbeat and lighthearted soundtrack that I found very appropriate for imprisoning little fish inside bubbles and hurling them brutally at their kin. This isn’t a bad game, but it doesn’t quite reach “classic” status for me. I’d say that if you collect, and you see this for $15 or less, go for it. Don’t get nuts over it, though.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

1990

The first tidbit I have to offer you about this one is that Capcom did not release it domestically in Japan; Adventures in the Magic Kingdom was released only in Oceania, North America and Europe (France, UK and Scandinavia). Another one that flew under my radar as a kid, this game seemed powerfully stupid at first when I revisited it, but it grew on me as I ignored the premise and focused on the gameplay itself.

The game opens on a beautiful day in Disney’s fully fabricated reality: the Magic Kingdom. Mickey’s got a parade all planned, but his day’s about to hit a serious speed bump in the form of his dipshit friend Goofy the dog. Mickey had the bright idea to trust Goofy with the keys to the gate. Goofy left the golden key inside the castle… and also locked himself out of the castle in the process. I swear to God, Goofy, you’d lose your ass if it wasn’t attached to you.

That really narrows it down. Look at his face. He’s got that oblivious serenity that only a total nimrod can manage. The kind that just makes you angrier at his sub-animal stupidity. Goofy is one of the luckiest morons in the world, because he has no idea that he is a fucking moron. There’s a lesson in that somewhere, but it’s probably not worth meditating on.

Mickey, with the air of a celebrity who’s used to being obeyed, casually fobs this problem off on you. You’re some kid dressed like Curious George’s dad, running around completely unsupervised, acting as an unpaid intern for Mickey Mouse. The object of the game is to find all six of the silver keys in the different parts of the Kingdom where that hillbilly schmuck Goofy lost them. Maybe it’s time to find someone else to carry the key ring. Forgive me if I seem judgmental, but if someone’s actual fucking name is Goofy, maybe they should be limited to low-impact responsibilities.

The levels are based on Disney’s popular rides/attractions at their amusement parks, and a lot of the “characters” you have to deal with to find the keys are just Mickey and Goofy in costumes. This is some kind of spiritual torture, some means of annihilating the ego of a gamer to achieve anti-enlightenment. Space Mountain is pretty sick, involving some fast-paced piloting and shooting. The Old West one is absolute bullshit as you careen downhill in a runaway train while boulders ricochet across your path at random, but the Haunted Mansion one is probably my favorite.

Look at his face. He seriously looks like he’s worried about getting murdered.  Don’t worry, little gaucho boy… it isn’t the ghouls and Draculas you need to worry about at Disney World… it’s the alligators and the room-temperature food.

One thing Adventures in the Magic Kingdom deserves a lot of credit for is how it mixes up the gameplay style. You’re racing in cars and spaceships, walking around in overhead view to gather clues and info, then plowing through some formulaic platform action. As much as I jokingly make this game sound like a secondhand bag of farts, it’s really fun. The challenge level is certainly a tad more “Capcom Difficult” than The Little Mermaid, but things are still manageable if you have basic chops and quick thumbs. Things progress in a far more linear fashion than one may think, so the game’s only a time commitment if you go in totally blind. Don’t do that, though. Damn.

Click an Image to Enlarge.

The music’s a bit of a throwaway in places, but as with Little Mermaid above, the level themes are great. It turns out that the composer for Adventures in the Magic Kingdom was Yoko Shimomura, who would later go on to write the music for Kingdom Hearts. The graphics are… well, they’re fine. Another vividly colorful palette, a variety of lively sprites and some well-drawn (if uninspired) backgrounds. Most of what’s fun about Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is knowing you’re playing a couple games at once.

Darkwing Duck

1992

I always thought it was cool that Launchpad McQuack was able to find a client after DuckTales. He’s a good guy, he works hard, and even though he’s kind of a goof, he’s always there when you need him. You can’t ask for more than that in a private helicopter pilot.

The hero behind the hero.

I’ll come right out with it: I never gave two shits about Darkwing Duck as a kid. By 1992 I think I was more interested in the campy horror films I could get away with watching on rented VHS and making my first forays into the world of RPGs. This game got added to the stack because it’s one I hear mixed things about. I took Darkwing Duck for a spin, and I can sum up my impression of it pretty quickly: It’s Mega Man except you’re Darkwing Duck and you can hang on hooks and lanterns.

I’m not saying it’s bad. Relax. It’s actually better than the Mega Man games in terms of mechanics, as someone who loathes Mega Man‘s extremely limited control scheme. Darkwing Duck can actually crouch, and has a neat little trick where he can grab things hanging against the background to get across tricky areas. Seriously though… play this shit for about ten minutes and tell me it isn’t just Mega Man‘s format with a few extra dashes of flavor. You still only shoot straight in front of you, though. The dopes in Contra can aim in eight directions, and they die in one hit. Get it together, Rock. You have no excuse.

Click to Enlarge.

I don’t know who any of the characters are except Darkwing Duck and Launchpad McQuack, but the graphics they’re drawn in are really well-done. One thing I’ll say for the Mega Man series is that it is visually appealing, and the same quality and style is present here. The music is addictively cool, a jazz-themed score with a ton of variety and finesse. The sound effects are worth mentioning; there is a slight but noticeable jump in quality, and if you need a ready example, just listen to Launchpad’s helicopter. That’s pretty damn slick for the NES.

Mickey Mousecapade

1987

Even the title screen is sparse and drab, like a tenement at the turn of the century. Mickey and Minnie wear forced smiles, choking back the leaden contempt they have come to feel for one another, themselves, and every living thing. There is no turning back now, no starting over, no exit from the whirlwind. This will end in tragedy, but it’s better than the shame of being alone.

Hudson Soft actually developed this one, but Capcom published it. It was released in Japan a year before the Western world got it, as Mickey Mouse: Fushigi no kuni no Daibouken (Mickey Mouse: Adventures in Wonderland). Before getting into the game itself, there’s one more bit of trivia to share: if you were to take the cartridge apart, you may notice a hidden Mickey Mouse symbol on the game’s circuit board.

DO IT, GO PRY YOUR COPY OPEN TO SEE IT IT’S TOTALLY WORTH IT

Petey the Dog is a huge creep and has kidnapped Alice (yes, from Alice in Wonderland). Mickey busts through the door of the Fun House like a train wreck on a mission to rescue her, and drags poor Minnie along on his quest. It’s pretty clear based on context clues that Minnie would rather be doing something else. Those context clues are her reluctance during the first intro animation (wherein Mickey barks her name like an abusive boyfriend to get her to comply) and the total lack of interest she seems to display in 1 player mode while following Mickey. The real goose turd is that if she doesn’t keep up, you can’t finish a level and you’ll have to backtrack to find her. The misogyny is painted thickly with a wide brush in Mickey Mousecapade, or at least I’m willing to read into what I saw and make a mountain out of a molehill.

“Don’t you make me wait on you, Minnie… and God help you if I ever see you talking to another man. Now come on, we’ve got to go rescue a young blonde.”

I’m very sad to report that this is not one of Hudson’s usual home runs. Even QC and oversight from Capcom failed to render Mickey Mousecapade more than barely playable. Progress is tedious right from the get-go as you navigate an impossibly huge fucking house with no real clue what your specific goal is. Mickey throws stars, and they travel through the game’s space way fucking slower than you’d imagine a star would move. You have to worry about two characters getting hurt while having only nominal and indirect control over one of them, and this gets old quick. Minnie will drown, get bitten by animals, chopped with swords, etc. as you duck and weave trying to put 10 pounds of mouse shit in a five pound bag.

Minnie plummets to her watery grave as her loving boyfriend turns callously away; Judging by the snake’s face, he’s having a better day than you. Click to Enlarge.

Graphically, the game’s on par with late 80s NES fare. The backgrounds are rich once you reach the flowery part of the forest before the castle, and some of the bosses are nicely detailed. Otherwise, it is adequate. I don’t think they put much time into the audio side of things, but it’s not offensively bad or a distraction or anything. It’s just not impressive. I just end up more focused on Mickey and Minnie’s apparent codependency and the severe peril to which it exposes them both. Mickey Mousecapade makes me think about things… about the nature of how we love each other, and how that can become poison to us. Run, Minnie. Get out while you can.

Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers 2

1993

A few more lines on Dale’s face… the job and the trucker pills will do that. Chip lives cleaner, sure, but he holds on to a lot more from the streets when he clocks out. Takes the demons home with him. Men of honor live thankless lives that rob them of their very humanity… but it’s in their blood now. Once a cop, always a cop. Fighting a war you can’t win. It still bothers me that neither of them wears pants.

Everyone’s a little older, a little wiser, and yet these two gumshoes are still throwing themselves at danger like suicidal moths to an infernal flame. Chip and Dale both want to die; they crave the taste of ashes and dream often about the cold of the grave. One day. But not yet. Not until every pint-sized criminal has been driven off the streets in a great welter of blood and smoke.

Hence the NES sequel.

I wrote about the 1990 original earlier on in my tenure here at NRW; it’s an exercise in insanity that requires either a hint of masochism or some very sharp reflexes… and overall, I like it. It’s both good and bad that this is essentially the same game with different levels. There’s a bit more of a story, something about Fat Cat releasing evil spirits from an urn to rules the world, but all that does for me is produce comedy gold like the screenshots below:

As the thumb-sized duo tangle with the supernatural to put a stop to Fat Cat’s plans, you can still nail each other in the head with boxes and generally get in each other’s way, either deliberately or on accident. It’s the only thing not to like. The same frantic sense of action is present, along with a mind-boggling variety of enemies and a new set of clever challenges.

The graphics are improved somewhat, and this comes through especially well during the otherwise laughable cut scenes. That little extra touch more shading, more detail by a few pixels, makes quite a difference in the presentation. The soundtrack rivals that of the first game with its madcap vitality and hyperactive pace, and there seems to be a good deal of musical competency at work. Looking in at this game from the outside, they didn’t just remake Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers for the NES… they made a second one and may have accidentally even improved it.

AND THE WHEAT IS SEPARATED FROM THE CHAFF

Little Mermaid: 7/10 (Novel and engaging, visually appealing. On the good side of average.)

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom: 7/10 (It wouldn’t be so good in my eyes if it didn’t have the variety in it that makes it stay interesting.)

Darkwing Duck: 5/10 (You phoned it in, Capcom. Whatever. You can get away with shit like that sometimes. You’re Capcom.)

Mickey Mousecapade: 4/10 (It strikes me that game design decisions were made on short notice, with little foresight or perhaps even testing o results. It also strikes me that those involved may have just hated the project and wanted it to be terrible. Good job.)

Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers 2: 8/10 (WELL SOME TIMES / SOME CRIMES / GO SLIPPIN THROUGH THE CRACKS / BUT THESE TWO / GUMSHOES / ARE PICKIN UP THE SLACK / THERE’S NO CASE TOO BIG / NO CASE TOO SMALL / WHEN YOU NEED HELP JUST CALL)

By this point I’m fairly certain a lot of our readers were kids or preteens when the Disney lineup of cartoons was popular in the 1990s. Some of them were barely memorable, but the ones like DuckTales, TaleSpin and Chip n Dale: Rescue Rangers were good enough that some of us (definitely including myself) can sing the theme songs verbatim on the drop of a dime. Of course, in the period between ’89 and ’92, during the last big boom for the NES, a lot of these and other pop culture staples got licensed games. Again, some of these were unfortunate flops in terms of quality, but Rescue Rangers was actually one of the decent ones.

I sang along with this all the way through before grabbing the embed code. Please feel free to do the same. If you’re self-conscious, just make sure no one’s watching… they may want to join in.

If you’re not familiar with the history of the chipmunk duo, they had been around well before someone put clothes on them and made them tiny detectives. They were actually created back in 1943, and appeared in 23 short films until about 1956. They usually acted as gentle antagonists or foils to the dog Pluto, another staple background character in the Disney lineup. In 1988, Disney got the idea of reviving the two chipmunks as part of their flourishing series of network cartoons. The series was run on Disney channel in 1989, and entered network syndication on ABC and CBS in 1990. The show lasted until 1993 on television, and was quietly phased out along with most of Disney’s early-90s afternoon syndicated toons.

While researching this article, I actually learned that their names are a pun on the name of a famous 18th Century cabinet maker, Thomas Chippendale. It has nothing to do with the erotic male dancers. that’s… oddly comforting to me.

In the summer of 1990, Capcom released the Rescue Rangers game for the NES. This was Capcom’s second Disney-themed release for the NES, after 1989’s hugely successful DuckTales title. Overall, Chip n Dale sold 1.2 million copies worldwide for the NES, which we’ll acknowledge as a modest but solid success for a game of the period. It is widely praised not only for its creatively designed gameplay, but also for its engaging 2 player experience wherein many parts of the game are much more fun if played with both chipmunks.

The North American and Japanese box art. The game’s Japanese title is Chippu to Dēru no Daisakusen, which just means “Chip n Dale’s Mission.”

The plot of the game begins with the duo investigating a lost kitten, which turns out to be a ruse by the series villain, Fat Cat. The porcine feline has used the trick to kidnap Gadget, the team’s tech wizard, and put her talents to nefarious ends. From stage to stage, she is able to send small hints via a crude phone she makes without Fat Cat’s knowledge. Chip and Dale must navigate a not-totally-linear series of stages to try and reach Fat Cat’s lair before he achieves his evil plan, whatever it is. Part of your pursuit of Fat Cat involves using a rocket to go to a whole new map of levels.

He not only used a baby as a diversion, but a baby of his own kind. Heartless bastard.

Our tiny pair of gumshoes are besieged the entire time by a strange crew of baddies: evil robots, metal mice, shapechanging glop monsters, rude kangaroos, and assorted other ne’er-do-wells who want to keep them from their goal. Chip and Dale are able to defend themselves by taking a page out of Super Mario Brothers 2‘s book, lifting and hurling all kinds of objects. They can even hurl one another, although this can be a risky tactic at best. Larger items, when lifted, can slow you down a little, but these are few and far between. Gameplay involves not only tossing tiny boxes at your enemies, but also navigating nasty puzzles. Notable are two examples: a series of faucets you must turn off as you advance to avoid being scalded, and a set of switches attached to machines that will drop heavy metal ball bearings on you if not deactivated. The bosses are all huge (compared to you), and require a few smacks with some item nearby to put them down. You can also get a powerup that summons Zipper, the little mosquito or hornet guy, or whatever he was supposed to be. Not only are you invulnerable while he stays on screen, but he flies around stinging the shit out of anything he can reach, which can clear a screen pretty quick.

A small gallery of the lunacy our eensy-weensy heroes must endure to rescue their friend and stop Fat Cat. Click an image to enlarge it (a little bit).

Both this game and DuckTales got sequels on the same console, and those titles were fairly popular as well. A completely unrelated Chip n Dale game came out for mobile in 2010, but I wasn’t able to find much about it anywhere. Also of note, the game was ported to Nintendo’s PlayChoice10 arcade-style console.

I grant Chip n Dale: Rescue Rangers for the NES 7 out of 10 stars. It’s a really fun game to play with two players, it’s respectably difficult but approachable, and overall it’s a memorable Capcom title. It also deserves credit as another example of a licensed game that isn’t utter shit.

That’s all folks! See you later in June for more NRW Gaming action! Tune in next time!

I should be upfront about this. I am a casual fan of Star Wars. In the collective panic attack that was the lead up to Stat Wars: The Force Awakens, I found myself mildly excited. J. J. Abrams had done a good job on Star Trek. The movie would probably be good (which it was). And despite the fact that I easily clocked over 100 hours in “Galactic Conquest” mode in Star Wars Battlefront II, I simply thought the Minions-esque onslaught of Star Wars media and merchandise was tolerable.

This is all to say that I approached the expansive Vader Down Marvel crossover comic series with an open mind. The series itself was penned as a team effort by veteran comic book writers Jason Aaron and Kieron Gillen. Gillen is responsible for a number of original titles. In fact, two of my absolute favorite series from the past ten years are Gillen originals (The Wicked + The Divine and Phonogram, go read Phonogram now). While it’s unclear who was leading the writing duties when, Vader Down‘s writing does not feel as fresh and vibrant as Gillen’s earlier works.

It’s not that Vader Down is a particularly bad series. It’s ultimately just mildly forgettable. In the hype surrounding The Force Awakens, the continuity of the series has been exploding in several directions, for obvious financial reasons. Star Wars makes big money. The most glaring aspect of the series holding it back is the dialogue. This is inherently a difficulty in adapting characters from a previously established (let alone overwhelmingly loved) franchise. These characters have specific voices that the reader will undoubtedly hear in their head. Darth Vader is a perfect example of this. He has that voice. He will always have that voice in your head no matter who is writing him. The lines he says can sometimes come across as cheesy. Not campy. Cheesy. The other reason Vader stands out so much in a negative way is that he is carrying this story. Vader Down follows Vader in the time between the A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back. Luke and Leia also suffer from less-than-exciting dialogue and strange character choices. Of the established characters, Han Solo (and fine, I guess Chewie too, but honestly how hard is it to write HHHRRRHHHH) is the best written. The essence of the character’s personality, and even of Harrison Ford’s iconic performance are captured in the lines.

Aphra and 0-0-0 are both the show stealers, and characters I would like to see more. Apart from the fact that they are fun and engaging, bouncing off the cast in interesting ways, they have some interesting unexplored narrative space. The stories of the main Star Wars cast has been told to death. You can’t do much with them in the time between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back because we know how they will act and what they will do once the comic is over. Aphra, a sort of morally grey Indiana Jones-esque rogue archeologist, and 0-0-0, a C-3PO-looking droid that specializes in “etiquette, customs, translation, and torture”, are not defined by any of the films in the series. They are free to breathe without the unbearable weight that the films have created on the extended universe.

Overall, if you are a Star Wars die hard, there is obvious interest for you here. You will enjoy it, and seeing Darth Vader as ace pilot, as well as an incredibly skilled and mobile melee fighter, will certainly leave you happy. If you are simply a casual fan of the franchise, and in particular if you have never read anything from the extended universe before, this is probably a pass. Something cooler will (hopefully) come out. Or not. Maybe the movies are enough for you.