This months Retro Motors looks back at some of the best cartoon vehicles. Again the 80’s and early 90’s were the host to an abundance of all action vehicular combat based cartoons; ranging from the absolutely absurd, to some of the finest animated work to date. Taking a look over what people consider “The best cartoons” today, it’s clear to see that we have moved away from the more classic storytelling and instead opted for balls out, physiologically unsettling and surreal. Back then it was good vs evil, David vs Goliath, man vs machine- or a mix of all three. Not only did the majority of these cartoons tell of a great adventure or explore some primal instincts but they also looked damn cool.

A group I wholeheartedly feel should exist in real life is M.A.S.K (Mobile Armoured Strike Command). If money were no object I’d mobilise a team akin to M.A.S.K and chase ivory poachers with a flying Camaro that shoots rockets. People like Elon Musk think they’re doing the world a favour by producing silent cars and an underground tunnel, but I feel if I was wealthy enough, people would much rather watch a live feed of me in a flying Camaro bombing Japanese whaling boats.

Thunderhawk

No list of the coolest cartoon vehicles could end without mentioning Transformers, although my favourite robot was not only a bad guy but was never a vehicle in the first place. Sound wave, for me, always stood out for the fact he decided to talk through a vocoder and his arsenal consisted of a massive cannon and weaponised cassette tapes.

Yet no other cartoon character made such an impact on me than Optimus Prime. I seem to remember entering a Video Nest here in the UK and choosing a film for Friday night with my dad. From Thundercats to HE MAN, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors to Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles. What could go wrong with a full feature length film about these mighty metal heros? Optimus Prime could go wrong, that’s what.

Optimus Prime

There are some people who still believe that certain human beings, deceased yet period correct, still wander the earth as ghosts. It is believed that certain spectral entities come back with such tasks as moving trinkets, walking without purpose or simply switching on and off the lights. They may be one of the most underwhelming myths of the natural world but the Ghostbusters on the other hand are real and the film is a masterpiece. The Real Ghostbusters was the name of the animated series and what a series it was- exploring further into the characters whilst retaining all the fun and bizarre ghost stories of New York City.

Ecto 1 is a Cadillac- in case you didn’t know. Miller-Meteor, the famous coach builder, designed and manufactured modified versions for businesses who required a classy looking vehicle as big a boat. It had been used as an ambulance-come-hearse in some states of America and became infamous when it starred in the Ghostbusters film. The unforgettable wail of the siren and the bright colour scheme are as iconic as that silver car from Back To The Future.

Ecto 1

The best Batmobile has been and gone when Michael Keaton drove it back in 1989. Long, black, sleek and sexy, complete with mounted guns, turbine and armour plating. Since then the Batmobile has gone from looking like it runs the city, to something that looks like Super-Goth is trying to compensate.

A little later in 1992 Batman the animated series was launched. A beautifully animated, well scripted; timeless, moving comic, also featuring its very own Batmobile. In keeping with the gothic art deco style of the series, the Batmobile of this era is a brutal looking, four wheeled slab of a car. Housing what appears to be a monstrous V12 and with all the essential gadgets like teargas, bullet proof armour and missiles. The dark deco style was inspired by Tim Burton’s work and in my opinion deserves a live action version someday, if only to see the car for real.

The Batmobile

Not exactly a cartoon, more like an animated schizophrenic episode- Akira is an extraordinary masterpiece of technical ability, eccentric storytelling and cult imagery. Any New Retro Wave fan will tell you, the Neo-Tokyo setting is an unnerving mix of real world imagery and sci-fi elements that blend in such a brutal way, it’s going to leave a mark.

My lasting memory of the film however was not the face melting fight sequences but the bike. Kaneda is a young teen with a bad attitude. He’s also the leader of a biker gang who take no shit when it comes to the open road. His chosen chariot is renowned even before you get to see it. Rumour has it this thing was a 200mph, electronically driven sports bike. Whatever it is, it’s one of the coolest animated vehicles to date. Some die hard fans of the franchise have spent thousands creating exact replicas. It has even inspired Honda to create something that closely resembles Shotaro Kaneda’s iron horse.

Kaneda’s bike

These vehicles were at first animated, then became toys and now in some cases would become a reality. I may not be able to have my very own Batmobile but I’ve always thought cars and bikes bring adventure and can become a very real emotional attachment. I hope that even with the decline of fossil fuel burning vehicles, we could see a revival of memorable characters and and equally as memorable vehicular concepts.

It’s time to round out September with some more unbelievably lush and unforgettable art from our favorite classic games. I chose a few more, and I’ve even got some videos this time, because I got all nerd-excited over some of the choices. I also made an earnest effort to find out as much as possible about the individual artists who created these visual masterpieces… that information is oddly difficult to find – or maybe I’m just dumb as hell and don’t know where to look. If you see one I credit incorrectly or that doesn’t have an artist credit, and you’ve got that information, PLEASE TELL ME! Without any further unnecessarily wordy prefacing bullshit, let’s get right to it! Feast your eyes!!!

Salamander/Lifeforce (Konami)

Year: 1986

Artist: Uncertain, my guess is either Kenji Shimoide or Naoke Satō

The cover of the official OST, perhaps the least intruded-upon version of the base image. Back in early days, at the rental store… this snake scared me so stupid I HAD to try Lifeforce. Just to see if I could teach that snake a lesson.

You are looking into the face of galactic evil. Are you even remotely ready for this shit? Do you even know what “ready for this shit” means?

I don’t think you do, ese. I think you’re gonna get schooled into little fragments.

This one always entranced me as a kid. I originally saw it on the US NES cover, and later on in life I was awed at the detail lost in shrinking it from the original arcade flyer. I know it’s just a space snake, but it’s a fucking scary space snake, man. That perfectly coiled length behind it, framed by the yawning star-speckled nothingness of outer space.

I hope you said your space prayers, kiddo.

Space Harrier (Sega)

Year: 1985

Artist: Sega doesn’t even denote who did what in their game credits, everyone just gets lumped in as “STAFF”

I managed to find this one without the retail trim, so you could soak in the moment of visceral chaos. There’s so much going on… there is a gigantic floating brain back there. It’s got a city on top of it. Yeah, everything’s normal here.

There is a lot going on here, and you’d benefit from a close look. Soaring through planetary atmospheres destroying shit with a gun as big as you are? AMAZING career path. Let him show you.

Our dude is so unspeakably cool that he is point-blank nuking the ouroboros dragon thing without even folding p his shades and putting them somewhere safe. He knows the space babes are watching, and Space Harrier never disappoints. The stone heads just sort of toodle by; it seems like they’re either used to this shit by now or just so sullen and insular that they dare Space Harrier to destroy them.

My favorite touch is the light panic on Space Cyclops Elephant’s face. He is not even sure how he’s getting by in this ecosystem, but he sure as hell didn’t sign up for this. He’s got kids.

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK KEEP UP CARL OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK 

Meanwhile, a gleaming futuristic metropolis stands majestic against the sublime sunset in the background.

The space babes are definitely there.

DOOM (id Software)

Year: 1993

Artist: Gregor Punchatz

“I don’t need any support, advice, or compassion, because even if I am the most ruinous man, I still feel so powerful, so strong and fierce. For I am the only one that lives without hope.” -Emil Cioran

I had to come here. Had to tread the blood-red sands of Hell once more. A UAC space marine’s job is never done. It’s a good thing someone tossed med-kits and boxes of bullets all over the place.

This one image defines my late childhood/early adolescence, at least in part. I still have the 11×17 poster that I framed and hung in my room as a preteen. I just don’t keep it hung up anymore because wherever you put that thing, it sucks the eye away from everything else near it.

Here we see a man who’s pretty certain he’s about to die. He’s bleeding, the sneering legions of Hell are grasping at hims limbs, and you can see the stark animal fear building on his face beneath the visor of his helmet. He drops one, maybe two, but like a pissed-off Satanic swarm of fire ants, the demons simply pile on. His buddy’s running up, shouting that he’ll help cover a retreat. Our man doesn’t even have the breath to say what he’s thinking: you’d better turn right back around, private, or this is gonna be you about twelve seconds after I hit the ground.

That’s the thing that really nailed me to the genre and the aesthetic of games like DOOM when I was younger. I was nihilistic, full of existential terror, and coming to terms with my own mortality at an age when I should have been basking in the bucolic sunshine of oblivion. Doom grabbed me because it was not only action packed and no-holds-barred, but because it really did have this nuance of hopelessness to it. The imagery, the implied storyline, and even certain pieces of music from the game are enough to invoke images of humanity’s twilight. This cover art is no exception. We have stumbled upon a fictional future man about to die, just like billions have before him… except he’s fighting demons and it fucking rules.

Anything Yoshitaka Amano Has Done for the Final Fantasy Series (Squaresoft)

Year: So many, and it’s awesome

Artist: Yoshitaka “World-Crafting Visual Arts Deity” Amano

I’m not one of those people who gushes over shit just because it’s Japanese. Don’t get me wrong; I deeply appreciate what Japanese creators and innovators have contributed to video games throughout the history of the industry. I just tend to sift through my consumption of anything a bit more than it seems… some people do. I’m not judging them. Anyway, I WILL gush over this, because every piece of this man’s art is like Hellenic Greece and ancient Rome collided with the hyperbolic world of JRPGs and created an alternate reality where literally everyone was a god.

Left: The crew from FFII, the Japanese II that was so hard they second-guessed releasing it Stateside but relented eventually; and on the right we have FFIV’s Twin Pimp Squad, Cecil and Kain.

I have a confession to make: the latest Final Fantasy game in the series that I’ve played is IX. I just couldn’t stay interested, plus I stopped doing the console thing around the time the Dreamcast went the way of the dodo. My two favorites, both of which mark me as a minority among FF fans, are I and IV. They are the two that I grew up chewing through, that helped shape my sensibilities about RPGs. I also enjoyed VI very much because it had an even richer story than IV had, and once I got to play them in an intelligible format I fell in love with II and III.

Left: the gang from III, all grown up and jobbed out. Right: Some fabulously crazy shit from VI.

Seeing Amano render those characters in such a graceful, hyper-human style takes me back every time. There’s something deeply Classical as well as something very Art Noveau about everything he illustrates, and it depicts these characters as both visually striking and starkly human.

Splatterhouse 2 (Namco)

Year: 1992

Artist: Probably one of the following – A. Chan, Gyoee~! Miyachan, or Taiji Nagayama (again, they just pile names together in these things)

I just realized while preparing to publish: the fucking octopus has eyebrows. Click for larger version.

I finished with this one because October’s right around the corner. Horror in classic video games is one of my favorite topics to swim around in. Usually the end result of such efforts ends up either painfully cool (but not scary) or laughably shitty. The Splatterhouse series (at least, the original three) are painfully cool. This cover is so 1990s cool I can’t even look at it without muttering “yeah dude” under my breath reflexively.

He is battling the SHIT out of a massive purple mutant and an absolutely FURIOUS land octopus with what appears to be an oversized slot machine lever. You can tell he’s been busy, because that knob is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, an army of the living dead shuffles forth under the guidance of the shittiest little Eddie Haskell ghost I’ve ever seen. One look at Rick’s face tells you all you need to know: he’s HAD IT, and every single thing he can physically reach tonight is going to die.

What’s even more amazing than this is the little intro movie from the game. We’re treated to parallaxing horizons, an almost legitimately moving vision of Jennifer begging to be rescued and then PLUMMETING back into the gullet-anus of some unthinkable creature, and some really driving music that consider the best track out all three OSTs. Look on.

All right, RetroFiends. Put on your hockey masks and go get your pillow cases. I will see you in October!

Starting with a simple arp of vintage-looped-fragile instrumentation, a squelching bass line enters and assures you of where you are, where you are going, and who is driving…

It’s Electric Youth – blissful basses, neon-laced pads, electric arps. The nostalgic emotive synths and powerful vocals lead to an all-time Retro wave classic. The voice soft and warm but also chilling, her tone soothingly massaging your ears, piercing your mind. Supported by her own harmonies it has ethereal feel that is both saccharine and haunting. The sing-able-unforgettable chorus, laboured rhythm ensuring you are along for the ride. Essential soundscape pads and brittle lead lines light the way for your all-analogue endorphins.

It is the retro electronica of dreamy synthwave pop, lo-fi synths and tape-saturated bliss.

‘And you, and you, are the best thing that ever happened to me’

Robert Rodriguez is in negotiations to direct Escape From New York, 20 Fox’s remake of the 1980s cult classic that starred Kurt Russell.

John Carpenter, who directed and co-wrote the original, is executive producing the project, which is targeting a production start later this year. 

Andrew Rona and Alex Heineman of The Picture Co. are producing the feature project, which the studio is hoping to launch as a franchise in the same mold of its Planet of the Apes series.

The original 1981 movie was set in a future (then 1997) where Manhattan had been turned into an island-sized maximum-security prison. When the president of the United States crashes into the decaying city, an outlaw is coerced into traveling inside to rescue him.

Neil Cross, the creator of the BBC crime series Luther, wrote the script. Robert Rodriguez is the director of Machete, Planet Terror, Spy Kids, Desperado, The Faculty and Sin City. In my opinion I loved the first Sin City but, when you take into account the rest of his filmography I have only one prediction – The Escape from New York remake is going to SUCK.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (also known as Story of Ricky; Chinese: 力王) is a 1991 Hong Kong martial arts film written and directed by Lam Nai-choi, and based on the Japanese manga Riki-Oh by Masahiko Takajo and Saruwatari Tetsuya. The film stars Fan Siu-wong, Fan Mei-sheng (Siu-wong’s real life father), Ho Ka-kui and Yukari Oshima. The live action Ricki movie is basically an international production. It’s not often that you see this happen. The only other time I can think of, off the top, is the live action SHAMO film.

            Merry Christmas retro surfers! I was on my way to review an 80’s holiday film and bring in the Season’s Greetings with style. However, I took a dark turn down an alley and parked in front of a hole in wall DVD shop and decided to scavenge through the aisles of yesteryear. A little bit of this and some of that and “abracadabra” here we are at our destination.

            The Story of Ricki is the story of a young talented and slightly super powered martial artist named Ricky who ends up in prison for unknown reasons and soon discovers the horrors and social Darwinism of life behind bars. The prison is ruled by a corrupt warden and kept under thumb by his four enforces, each controlling a different wing of the institution. Prison can be the kind of place where helping out a weaker inmate just opens up the shooting gallery on your head and that is exactly what happens to Ricki. All eyes are on him.

            I guess I have to comment on the production value. Well… the remastering of the film itself does make the overall budget looks better. I mean it’s not a terrible Ed Wood’esque production but, you can and will notice the occasional cardboard wall and Styrofoam head. The fight scenes are more anime style than Shaw Brothers, similar to fights from Yu Yu Hakusho (1992-95) or Evil Dragon War Chronicles (魔龍戦紀 1987-89). Cinematography is just as serviceable. Dialogue is cookie cutter and possibly straight from the source material directly; although, I doubt that. The wire work is obvious as well.

            Riki-Oh’s Category III rating (the Hong Kong equivalent of an NC-17) greatly inhibited its ability to make money at the box office. It was one of the first Hong Kong movies that used Category 3 film rating system for non-erotic media. It grossed $2,147,778 HKD in Hong Kong.

            Ricki is violent and filled with gore; in fact rivers of gore are a plenty in this film. The biggest selling point is how over the top and completely absurd the violence is. At some point in the film an antagonist literally has his jaw ripped from his face by an uppercut and it’s glorious. So glorious, you don’t even mind the fact that he delivers a few lines of dialogue right after, “How?” I have no clue how. But, who cares. Go Ricki!

 This version you are about to click on looks a bit like one of the remasters of the film. 

            From my memory, I believe Golden Harvest released an older version to VHS. There have been recent reissues and a Blu-ray release, even an airing or two on cable’s Turner Classic Movie channel. So there is a good chance you can own this mofo and add it to your collection by any means necessary.

            Now take off your shoes and sit back and go to jail with Ricki-Oh. Merry Christmas to the entire Retro Wave community and stay fit, stay smart and keep that fruit cocktail cool next to the rewind button.

MOVIE LINK: https://youtu.be/wZVh-Drp8h8