Abyssal Arcana

1. Forgive Me Father
2. The Horrifying Autopsy of Deamien Raven
3. Cauchemar Noir
4. Silver Coffin
5. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things
6. BloodGod feat. Day Dralleon
7. Demonic Incantation Blues
8. Impalement & The Brazen Bull
9. A Horrorsynth Symphonic
10. The Conjuring feat. CONNÖR
11. The Intimate Portrait f the Devil
12. Le Vampire du Grand Guignol
13. Exsanguinated With a Drill

Draven ‘Abyssal Arcana’ is out now on Bandcamp and Spotify.

Video gaming is nothing without its heroes or villains, but what about those “friends” the Big Evil Bad Guy has filling up warehouse districts and mushroom kingdoms all across the multiverse? Without goons and henchmen, the Ganons and Bowsers of the world wouldn’t stand a chance. Dudes like Dr. Wiley would be issuing ultimatums at sunset and getting their shit pushed in by dawn. Let’s give a little love to the ubiquitous “baddie.” We’re going to have a look at some of the more colorful guys, gals, monsters and robots who decided that under-the-table cash from a cartoon psychopath sounded better than the drive-thru or the Merchant Marine. This will likely be a multi-part series, but I’ll do five at a time. Get out your autograph books!

I was kidding, you fucking nerd. Put that shit away and pay attention.

—

Special thanks today to the people on various websites who rip every sprite out of every game, thus making this an easy image hunt. Also thanks to Jakub Steiner for showing me that you can, in fact, make animated gifs in GIMP, and that it’s not that hard. My dumb ass just never knew it was there. Mind like a steel trap. Anyway…

—

BLARGG/LAVA MONSTER

Super Mario World, 1990

Blargg’s responsibility of swimming through molten rock isn’t difficult in terms of complexity or stress level. He’s just the only one on the crew who’s able to survive doing it. You can tell on his face that he doesn’t give a fuck. His job’s secure. His job is easy (for him). And you know what? It’s fun. At least he can make it fun.

I’ve always appreciated the look on this character’s face. To this day, when playing through SMW, I can’t suppress a laugh when I see his ol’ razzle-dazzlin’ ass lurch upward from the lake of fire. Blargg, you make lava a not so bad place to hang out… unless you’re killing me, in which case, you can go fuck yourself.

FLEAMAN/HUNCHBACK

Castlevania series, 1986 – present

I have played the Castlevania games for more than twenty years now, and this little bastard’s weird jumping behavior still gives me apoplexy about half the time. I don’t think “hunchback” is a terribly nice thing to say about someone who can’t help being shaped like an unspeakably ugly Fibonacci swirl, so we’ll call him Fleaman (his name in later titles in the series). Fleaman is a professional, fully bonded and accredited asshole. He is a state-registered, card-carrying, world-class piece of shit. I think Fleaman bites you to hurt you, but since all most enemies in Castlevania have to do is touch you, he could just be doing that. Gently pressing the palm of his hand on your chest while you scream in agony.

The best part about his little animations is that he’s very clearly laughing at you. Simon Belmont, you may think you’re a bad motherfucker, but this freaky little dude slightly larger than a house cat will just start bouncing around when you show up, giggling at you like you just told a joke. Stow the Vampire Killer whip for these guys and just get a good 12-gauge shotgun and some buckshot.

In later installments of the series (SotN for example), Fleaman even gets some gear upgrades. Dracula issues him a pint-sized suit of plate armor and an axe twice that must weigh more than three of him. He makes it work, trust me. Fleaman will never look a gift horse in the mouth. If you’re giving him something to murder with, his arms are wide open.

Fuck these guys, but they’re also a fantastic poster-child for the concept that Castlevania monsters take their employment with Dracula very seriously. Who the fuck wouldn’t? If your boss was a legendary ancient vampire with unspeakable magical powers, the combination of leadership morale and piss-dribble terror would be pretty motivating.

THIS STUPID WITCH OR LEPER OR LIZARD PERSON OR WHATEVER

Ninja Gaiden (NES version), 1988

Projectile attacks from enemies in video games are capable of devastating fuckery, especially when one is trying to jump, dispatch more immediate threats, and generally not die. The Hammer Brothers are well-known pros, but whatever this thing from Ninja Gaiden is supposed to be, it’s got them handily outclassed in two ways:

• Placement/Position

• Adding insult to injury by knocking me backward mid-jump with what looks like a wooden toy sword so that I fall off-screen

My mind sees this thing and immediately assumes it’s female, not even because of the pink robe or because the green skin screams “Halloween witch.” I can’t find the names of any Ninja Gaiden NES enemies besides the bosses. Here’s my head-canon/theory for a 32-year-old NES game:

—

Sewer Bitch was born with the green skin of a mythological hag, but sadly she had no talent for black magic, nor for the morally ambiguous soup recipes. She couldn’t even use a cauldron without burning her knees while she stirred it. Seething with dysphoric wanderlust, Sewer Bitch left the bright lights and chrome lining of hag society, taking up residence in a sewer (hence the name). To further divorce herself from her peers, she discarded the designer leopard-skin-print leotard worn by all modern hags. A soiled old white bedsheet, tinged pink from probably having been washed with someone’s color load, would serve her purposes much better.

To arm herself against the omnipresent rats, the outcast spent years of her idle hours gathering property stakes and packing twine in order to fashion some weapons. Not being terribly bright, and having seen someone play Legend of Zelda once on a rainy night through their bedroom window, Sewer Bitch handmade hundreds of crude, ungainly wooden “swords.” At first, opponents and onlookers would mock. Oh, how they would mock… but Sewer Bitch knew something they didn’t and couldn’t know. She’d alley-oop that chunk of wood upward as if granny-shooting a basketball, and the dumb bastards would inevitably walk right into it.

Eventually, the strange talents of the filthy monster-woman came to the attention of Jacquio, who hired her on the spot.

“Just stay here on this one impossibly tall pillar,” the demonic sorcerer told her. “Move back and forth a little bit, sure, but there’s not much point. Just keep dropping your shitty wooden knives into the space between this one and the one to your left. Ryu Hyabusa won’t even know what to do. He’ll just turn around and go home.”

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SMILING TRAMPOLINE (I KNOW IT’S NOT AN ENEMY, IT HELPS YOU, SHUT UP, I’M STILL PICKING IT)

Felix the Cat (NES), 1992

I really can’t help but admire, even envy this fella. He’s a little springboard Felix can jump on to get some extra height, usually so Felix can find giant bags in the sky and crawl into them. Trampy (his name for the purpose of this article) doesn’t worry too much about that. He doesn’t need to know what the cat does inside the giant floating bag. He’s happy right where he is. Joyous, even.

This sentient, sapient being’s sole function in life is to literally wait for Felix (or God forbid, someone else) to jump on him. The poor bastard exists to be stepped on. There’s no better way to phrase it.

And he’s fucking smiling.

Trampy, I hope you’re still doing well, wherever you are. I hope you’re still smiling out there, giving cheerfully of yourself without any expectations of compensation, living a life of friendly altruism in some pleasant 8-bit meadow. You always helped me when I needed you, and when Felix needed more tiny round pictures of himself so that he could finally transform his weird little car into an even weirder tank. I ain’t even tryin’ to talk shit on you, my man. Stay golden. I just wanted everyone to see you shine. You’re beautiful.

BUBBLE (YES, IT’S CALLED BUBBLE, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE)

Legend of Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, 1987

Zelda II is a fucking abusive game. If Zelda II were a human father, he’d never wear a belt, because it’d never leave his raw-knuckled fist. Zelda II is swinging the buckle end because it’s had too much to drink again. The two types of Bubble behavior exemplify the game’s needless cruelty perfectly. Normally, Bubbles move in a fairly slow diagonal pattern in the Palace areas, bouncing from floor to ceiling. They can be a pain in the ass when the ceiling is low, but otherwise they’re manageable. Bubbles can even be killed for 50 XP, as opposed to their antecedents in the first game, who cannot.

So first of all, let’s clear this up right now: while you can kill them, choosing to do so is both time-consuming and risky. They drain life and magic, so they aren’t really to be fucked with unless your Zelda II skills are tight as a drum or you have some ready means of recovery handy that being drained of magic won’t fuck up for you. You have to get pretty close to them even with Link’s fully-charged sword, and every split fucking second a Bubble isn’t being hit, it’s moving… toward you.

That brings me to my second observation… some of the little floating skully bois move with an alacrity that would make a hummingbird pack up its shit, forfeit, and go home to cry. They travel in the same 45° bumper-path, just much faster. That’s really all the Bubble requires in order to be to be scary in Zelda II. Catching one of these in a low-ceiling walkway is more stressful than being audited by the IRS while your house is on fire and you’re trapped inside it. Best of luck. When multiple slow and fast Bubbles occupy an area, you’re in for a real Kentucky-fried shitfest. Just spread ’em and think of Hyrule, Link.

Thank you for tuning in once again, boils and ghouls.

And if you ever wonder what kind of shit I get up to when I’m not here, you know where to find me.

(there’s a hyperlink in the text, please don’t come to my house you animals)

Stay Retro!

1. Metal Gear Solid

Metal Gear Solid is an action/adventure stealth game developed by Konami and released for the original PlayStation in 1998. The genius mind behind this legendary game was none other than Hideo Kojima’s. It was one of the first video games to make stealth gameplay popular, and it still holds up to this day.

Complex storylines, immersive gameplay and beloved characters make this game an absolute classic. Since it was a PlayStation exclusive, you can play it using the PSX emulator on PC.

2. The Pokemon Series (Gameboy)

 games, pc emulator
The Gameboy was a game changing handheld console, and the Pokemon series is what defined it for a whole generation. You already know what the game is about. You explore the map/region, look for these creatures known as Pokemon, capture them, and finally engage in battles with other trainers.

If you haven’t played the GameBoy Pokemon series yet, you absolutely should give it a shot. We recommend the Visual Boy Advance emulator to play these games on PC.

3. The Legend Of Zelda

Even if you’ve never played it, you’ve most likely heard of the name dozens of times.

The first Legend Of Zelda came out in 1986 on the Nintendo Entertainment System or NES. If you’re not going to play this game for it’s amazing story, classic retro art style and not to mention amazing music, play it for the sake of video game history. Mesen is a great NES emulator to play this game.

4. Spyro The Dragon

The first game of this amazing platformer series was released back in 1998 as an exclusive for the original PlayStation. As the name implies, you play as a purple dragon known as Spyro. You journey across the Dragon Kingdom to defeat the main villain, who has trapped all the other dragons.

Unique gameplay, great music and a fun story make this a must play for any fans of the PlayStation. The PSX emulator on PC runs this title beautifully.

5. Halo: Combat Evolved

To this day, this is Microsoft’s best exclusive franchise for their Xbox systems. This is the first title of the series, and was launched back in 2001 for the original Xbox.

Halo brought a lot of new things and unique gameplay to the FPS genre, and it was a major success. If you want to experience where it all started for yourself, use the CXBX emulator.

6. Super Mario Bros 3

Almost every person knows what the Super Mario Bros series is about. It’s a 2D side scrolling platformer, and it’s the most popular one out there. The 3rd entry into this franchise is the most refined one for sure. This is a staple for platforming games.
You can use Mesen to emulate this game, which is a NES emulator.

7. God Of War 2

If there is one series that defined the PlayStation 2, it was the God Of War games. The second entry in this franchise is one of the best sequels to any game out there. You play as a Spartan warrior known as Kratos, seeking revenge on the Greek gods. You should play the whole trilogy to really understand the story. In order to emulate this game, get the PCSX2 emulator.

8. GoldenEye 007

There was a time when turning popular movies into video games was widespread. GoldenEye 007 is a perfect example of this. You play as, you guessed it, James Bond.

It’s a first person shooter which actually features a few gadgets from the movie as well. It is regarded as one of the best games from Nintendo’s N64 console. You can use Project 64 to play it on PC.

9. Castlevania

Castlevania was one of the first more popular games to come to the NES. It’s an action platformer made by Konami. You basically play as a vampire hunter and try to defeat the Count Dracula, while platforming across different levels.

This was one of the first platformers to gain a lot of popularity and still inspires a lot of developers today.

10. Metroid

Another popular NES title, it just goes to show how amazing that console really was. Metroid really speaks for itself. It set the standard for a lot of games you see today. Exploring the map, it’s style and search for different power-ups are all elements many video games still use to this day. Definitely worth playing.

Final Thoughts

The above list has some of the most essential retro games, and if you’re looking for the best performing GPU for gaming, read this guide here https://www.pcguide.com/reviews/best-rtx-2080-ti/. But if you’re in the AMD camp, you should check out the RX 5700 XT. If you need some help deciding between the variants, this guide on the all new AMD RDNA powered GPUs  should help.

Back in the castle again, for probably the best game in the series to date.

I’m fucking JAZZED to be talking about CastleVania: Symphony of the Night. It is my favorite game (besides Mr. Driller) for the original PlayStation, and it is widely regarded as one of the best video games ever. It took the story of the CastleVania series and threw us a few curve balls with it; the result is a work of art that had a profound effect on action-adventure gaming as a product and as a style.

SOTN (as I’ll refer to it within this article) started its life as a game for the Sega 32X. Early in its development, it was picked up whole-cloth, moved to the “Holy Shit it’s the PlayStation” department of Konami R&D, and converted to high-test. The developers in charge of the project, Hagihara and Igarashi, Were involved with the franchise’s previous game, Dracula X/Rondo of Blood, and wanted to continue that storyline while adding some non-linear elements inspired by the critical reception of Simon’s Quest. The story picks up… well, one of the cool part is, you have to finish the final boss fight from Dracula X before you can even play SOTN. This you do as Richter Belmont, that game’s protagonist and probably the most badass Belmont in the family line. (You can also play as him in SOTN by entering his name as yours in in a game file.) After that, we fade in on Alucard, Dracula’s half-vampire son whose previous appearance was 8 years earlier in CastleVania III: Dracula’s Curse, anime-dashing towards his father’s decrepit castle, decked out in his finest gear. You smash around a little while looking for Daddy, instead encounter your dad’s homie Death, and (almost to draw attention to this game’s sick RPG-style inventory system) get all your cool shit ganked. The game proper-begins here, where you start exploring the castle in earnest, looking for weapons etc. to replace those you lost and trying to get your bearings. Before long you’re exploring the whole castle (including a separate version of it, connected to the first via teleport, that is entirely upside-down) and finding all kinds of cool shit to help you put down Dracula and his undying army of servants. Elaborate doors mark off areas where “boss fights” await you, and places to save your game and rest up are scatted throughout as well in the form of dark rooms containing coffins.

I hope you brought an economy size box of Band-Aids, Al.

Of course there are tons of gnarly monsters between you and, well, everything. Lavishly rendered versions of the standard CastleVania stock, as well as some out-there foes like living swords and man eating plants, will gladly help you lose some weight in hit points. A lot of them also have a chance to drop sweet goodies for you, from one-use items to fancy weapons and armor. You’ll also want to do a blood-bucket worth of killing anyway, just to level up. Yes, in another well-converted RPG mechanic, Alucard becomes more skilled and powerful as he clocks hours murdering his father’s crew ad infinitum. You not only get all kinds of weapons and armor as you scrounge around, but you can learn some of Dracula’s vampire tricks (mostly shape-changing), magical spells, and more. Alucard also has access to the same set of sub-weapons a Belmont normally does, except the boomerang seems conspicuously absent. Small potatoes. Who cares. This game is awesome.

Welcome to Shuffle-opolis.

The graphics for SOTN are absolutely delicious, most especially the background art for the castle’s various areas. The PlayStation allowed for then-unprecedented amounts of visual detail, and parallaxing background layers add to the depth of it all. All sprites are given rich animation and some of the bigger ones bear as much detail as the background art. And the sound? Well, here. Listen to the OST. You’ll want to keep doing it. I am right now. Michiru Yamane’s work on this game’s soundtrack belongs on a high pillar, easily some of the finest music in a Konami game ever. There is no shyness in terms of style-blending or variety, and it comes off like smooth vanilla. Not to mention, it is 100% CastleVania.

SOTN is another one of those games I’d be slandering if I didn’t give it a 9/10. Hell, it’s a game I’m struggling not to slap a 10 on. It’s simply a classic, like peanut butter & jelly or the baked potato. It needs no doctoring around with or serious weighing in the balance; it’s fucking gold the way it is and it helped to spawn a slew of games that mimic its layout and play style. There’s a reason for that: it’s a legendary game. If you own a PS1 and do not own this game for it, stop fucking around. Why do you have a PS1 Then?

good night, folks! Stay Retro!!!

It’s almost October, and with a second season of the intense Netflix animated series based on the classic video game franchise, we’re taking a look at all of the info confirmed for Castlevania Season 2!

1. When is it coming out?

Castlevania Season 2 will be premiering on Netflix in its entirety on October 26th, 2018. Season 1 dropped July 7, 2017, and while it was an action-packed addition to the summer, the new season coming just in time for Halloween warms our spooky hearts.

2. How long will it be?

Castlevania had a tumultuous journey to be the violent animated action we can stream today. It was originally intended to be a film, and the length of Season 1 reflects that. In fact, that’s a valid criticism of the first season. 4 episodes of 23 minutes each were nice, but it felt like it just didn’t tell enough of a story. The good news is that Castlevania Season 2 is going to be twice as long, with 8 episodes ordered. That’s enough to give it a proper season arc after what felt like a prelude.

3. Who is writing Castlevania Season 2?

As with Season 1, acclaimed comic book writer Warren Ellis will be writing Season 2. While Ellis is undoubtedly more known for his science fiction stories — of which he is likely one of the best living today — Season 1 proves how effectively he could tell a dark fantasy story. He also clearly has a love for the series, and the game this is based on in particular (aside from one character). He has been trying to get a Castlevania adaptation on screens since the mid-2000’s, so you can only imagine the passion he has for his work now.

4. Which video game is it based on?

Just like Season 1, Castlevania Season 2 will focus on the story of the 1989 classic Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse. This makes sense from a narrative standpoint as it has three well-defined characters at the center and a great overarching story to tell. You might notice that visually, the Castlevania series doesn’t seem to match the aesthetic of the NES game. That’s because the animated series is stylistically modeled after the PlayStation classic Symphony of the Night, which forever changed the visual language of Castlevania.

That’s not all though. Based on the Season 2 trailer, we think that Curse of Darkness might be making its way into the season. We’ll talk more about that in a little bit.

5. Who are the main characters?

Trevor Belmont was undoubtedly the main character and focus on Season 1. Castlevania Season 2 has been confirmed to focus on the three characters united at the end of Season 1. While we are used to Trevor Belmont, we will get more time with Dracula’s son Adrien Tepes and the mage Sypha Belnades. Adrien Tepes, also called Alucard, is an extremely interesting character from the entire game franchise, so the greater focus on him could be a highlight of the entire season.

6. Who is the cast?

The cast will be the same in Season 2 as in Season 1. The primary voice actors being acclaimed English actor Richard Armitage, James Callis of multiple successful science fiction series, and Scottish actor Graham McTavish.

7. Will this be the final season?

Castlevania Season 2 wasn’t confirmed until Season 1 was released. We already have confirmation that Season 3 has been greenlit. With the team behind the show knowing that they have longer to tell their story, we can’t wait to see how much they are able to set up come October.

8. What about Grant?

Warren Ellis has said that Grant is his least favorite character from Dracula’s Curse, and his absence from Season 1 was noticed. We aren’t the biggest fans of Grant here either, so that was fine by us, but some fans took issue with it. The trailer shows what appears to be Grant attacking Trevor, so we’re left wondering if this will be a throwaway easter egg, or something more.

9. What about the Vampire Killer?

The Vampire Killer is the whip the Belmont family uses to slay Dracula throughout the centuries. In season 1 we saw it as a leather whip in the hands of Trevor Belmont. Warren Ellis proved excellent at showing the video game convention of a party of heroes coming together interpreted for a TV series, and the trailer clearly shoes Trevor with an upgraded, chain whip. It will be interesting to see how Season 2 handles the convention of weapon upgrades.

10. What was that about Curse of Darkness?

Castlevania: Curse of Darkness (PS2) is a sequel to Dracula’s Curse, taking place three years later. The main character of the game is Hector, a former ally of Dracula who betrayed his master. Promotional art from those involve confirmed that Hector will be a part of Castlevania Season 2. With Season 3 confirmed, we have to wonder if that is Ellis’ endgame for his show.

Check out the trailer and its synthwave inspired sounds here!

Well, you had three options. The first was talking to your dumb-ass friends about it. This has varying appeal, depending on who your “friends” are and how lousy their taste is. You could also check out grainy, tiny screenshots in ads, or on the game’s back cover. The problem here was, a lot of what ends up there is subject to change, as the ad copy and dressing is usually done in advance of the release.

Then there’s the real knee-jerk way, the “intuitive” lie we’ve all told ourselves before: judging the book (video game) by its cover.

Regardless of the quality of any given game, there was an era in the 80s and 90s where box art could make or break counter sales of a game. No punches were pulled. The phenomenon produced some real horrible shit, but we also saw some undoubted masterpieces. I’ve chosen five of them to look at this time over, and will probably do this again in the future… it was hard to narrow it down, so I chose five that impacted me as a young man that still hold a striking presence now, to the adult me.

I would like to note that the order is not a ranking. I would not dare to do that with raw visual art; each piece should really stand or fall on its own merit. I should also note that, while I made an attempt to credit individual artists, that information can sometimes be tricky to get ahold of. If you see a mistake or missing information, feel free to contact me or message our Facebook page. I have also not strictly grabbed the art as it is off the box; if I found a higher resolution or better version of that same art in a flyer, ad, or elsewhere, then I have used that.

Argus no Senshi/Rygar

Year: 1986

Artist: Unknown; if you know, please contact me

Click to enlarge!

Not one single bit of anything happening here is soft, gentle, kind, or anything less than a testament to divinely-inspired violence. There is a gigantic, demonic lion-person leering and reaching from the heavens. Rygar, having just decapitated some manner of ogre-beast in his endless quest for monster blood, holds up his trophy to the sky-lion and roars back in defiance. The bodies of other unthinkable creatures lie submissive and vanquished before him. Rygar will not bow to any being… no god, lion, or demon. If you would have Rygar, then descend from your sickly-green heaven and come take him! He will add your ridiculous head to his collection.

Seriously, there is nothing truly lacking here, except that Rygar’s weaponry is a bit dishonestly represented. I can’t even fault it, though, because it’s under-represented, leaving the pleasant and brutal surprise for when you play the game.

Exile: Wicked Phenomenon

Year: 1992

Artist: Vic Ireland

Click to Enlarge (it’s pretty big).

This one probably took a lot of time and talent, and it shows… this art is sufficiently dream-haunting that for a while I set that face as the image to show when my phone alarm went off. That way, I heard loud noise, picked up my phone, saw THAT, and was jolted awake by two senses instead of just one.

I hazard to say that the art is better than the game, which is okay if not a little slow-moving and unnecessarily inflated in terms of storyline. The game is immaterial. From the floor-fog to the lighting to the soulless, predatory eyes of the face in the wall, you know a dark story lies inside that game box.

Heretic

Year: 1994

Artist: Gerald Brom

Click to Enlarge!

Brom has gotten the nod for tons of art any gamer or fantasy fan has doubtless seen; just google “gerald brom art” and toodle around for a while. You’ll recognize plenty. I have always loved this particular work of his, for several reasons. Firstly, it accurately depicts the world of Heretic as a dark, dying realm where little hope exists. The only strong light source in the picture is the mage’s spell ripping into one of the undead warriors. Secondly, the mage’s face is perfect. It’s this exact blend of grim hardness, sheer terror, and arcane focus. I also love how the focal point of the image is twofold: the mage himself and the bolt of magical energy he is casting. It all seems initially off-balance to one side, but the dynamic movement implied in the figures present makes everything seem to fit right where it is. Lastly, something about these skeletons just looks punk rock as fuck to me. I’m into the undead as antagonists in any medium or genre; it’s even better when they look like extras from Return of the Living Dead.

Wolfenstein 3D

Year: 1992

Artist: Ken Rieger

Click to Enlarge!

I’ve mentioned this one before. This is an image that transcends what it is meant to depict and shows us a glimpse of what lies in one single moment of violence. A Nazi guard is sprawled on the floor, his vividly red blood spattered across the cobblestones as he gasps his last “mein lieben.” BJ Blazkowicz roars in brute triumph as he unleashes the full power of an impossibly huge chaingun on out-of-frame foes who are likely in the throes of Biblical-level terror. Nazi imprisonment has not weakened any part of the animal that is BJ; his instincts, supernatural physique, and bloodlust are every bit as powerful as they were when the Krauts lucked out and caught him. Now he’s going to singlehandedly send each one of them to the mockery of Valhalla reserved for such villains.

When you sit down to craft a piece like this, it’s ballsy to take the perspective of “sort-of underneath the guy.” You could end up with an image framing a crotch, or one that’s just unappealing. Rieger nailed this. He knew he had to show BJ Blazkowicz the way most mortals should see him: as if looking up into the stratosphere, to see where the divine scream of vengeance was coming from.

Castlevania/Akumajo Dracula/Vampire Killer

Year: 1986-87

Artist: surprisingly, I could not find this information.

IF YOU CLICK IT, IT GETS BIGGER

Looming above everything else, above and beyond the decrepit castle on the cliff, sneering arrogantly at the young man with a whip, we see Dracula. The Prince of Undeath. An ancient, horribly potent, and unsinkable evil. Standing defiantly below, we see Simon Belmont: the man who has come not only to kick Dracula’s shit in, but to do it with a whip.

There’s not a lot I can say here… this image has become iconic as a symbol of the protagonist/antagonist struggle that defines most platform games of the era. The player is presented with the bold but intangible outline of a villain supposedly beyond defeat, and given control of a modestly-depicted hero to get the job done. In the end, it turns out that legends die hard… but they can die. Even the vibrant streak of sky-hues across the middle of the picture doesn’t clash; it fits in and even adds to the tone of grey struggle. With eyes that sparkle like a cat’s, Dracula taunts not only Simon, but the potential player. As with its music, the art of the Castlevania franchise is consistently top-notch. This image set the standard.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at some of the indelible images that played a part in our hobby’s history. I will be back with more. Thank you so much for reading.

This one is about computers. As much as console gaming forms the crux of what I discuss here at NRWG, it is occasionally my duty to draw attention to that parallel road, that meandering yet meaningful story of mankind’s attempt to entertain itself with computers before they were all plugged into phone lines. (Hell, many of them were before it was even a thing.)

So you remember back in the 80s when you thought your MS-DOS shit or your Amstrad CPC was cool? Do you remember the days before Japan started dropping unfathomable machines on the West one after another? Back before the Internet forcibly occluded every dark corner of electronics culture in stark detail, there was a time when Japan kept the best shit for themselves. And I can’t blame them when I look at some of it. We wouldn’t have been able to appreciate it. Like apes confronted by Arthur C Clarke’s monolith, we would have felt so many emotions that we were reduced to hooting until dusk at the x68000.

My favorite touch is the little pole accessory for the mouse cord. That is very Japanese to me. I don’t even know why.

Sharp released the first model in 1987, naming the machine after its 10MHz CPU. It boasted one whole megabyte of ram, which today is about enough juggling space for one small photograph. ( I realize RAM and disk space are two different things, I’m trying to be illustrative here.) Despite IBM-style PCs in the West having moved on to the concept of built-in hard drives, the x68000 had no such bulk; it had its own OS that bore astounding similarity to MS-DOS but pulled all extra data from floppy.

We’re not here to get soggy over this thing’s data capabilities. When it comes to graphics and sound, the only things the Western world has that came close were the Amiga and the Atari ST… and neither could hold a shaky, barely-lit candle to this heartbreaker. During a time when a lot of people were gradually making the stroll from boxy candy-colored shit to VGA graphics, the standard color palette on the Sharp x68000 was 65,535 colors in a maximum resolution of 1,024×1,024. By comparison, VGA’s 1987 vintage can output 256 colors at a resolution of 320×200. Better get your bifocals out. Needless to say, this graphical depth demanded audio of comparable richness.

I mean, think about it – this machine hit its peak in the early 90s. This shit was like staring God in the face. Except maybe not as awkward.

Regular readers (if I have any; I certainly hope so, or I’m still in that coma and this isn’t even happening) are already aware of my desire to basically fucking marry the Yamaha YM2612 – the exquisite little weaponized synth chip that makes all our favorite Genesis soundtracks go boom-boom. The Sharp x68000 uses a slightly more grown-up, sophisticated cousin of the YM2612. The YM2151 boasts eight channels to the 2612’s six, and to put it in plain terms, the end result sounds far “cleaner” and also offers more potential detail. In other words, the music output on even the off-the-shelf model is delicious. I am terrible for saying this, but aside from the minimal loss of “ass-end” I seem to hear on x68000 soundtracks, I may actually like this chip better. Two key examples of its power to deliver are the x68000 retooling of Akumajō Dracula and the port of Thunder Force II. It even makes River City Ransom sound gnarlier!

Japan’s decision to only market this marvel domestically kept the x68000 a near-secret in the 80s and 90s, but the sheer volume and variety of titles released for it makes the secret all the more unbelievable. You would think more buzz would have been generated – even now, in 2017, when everyone has seen everything and it’s been made into twelve shitty memes, I look at the screenshots and the videos with a certain awe. I humbly present some highlights of what I have found in my plodding research.

Akumajō Dracula

Konami, 1993

It’s a remake of the original, but it’s arcade-quality. (in fact, the x68000 was the test system for the Capcom CPS system for many years.) I digress – the difficulty level is increased just enough to re-engage, the music is remarkable, and I especially love that Stage Clear theme. “Epic” applies here.

Dead of the Brain

FairyTale, 1992

1) this owns 2) ew though

It’s all in Japanese, but I get the general idea. It seems to be a really cool spin on Re-Animator by way of Return of the Living Dead… definitely inspired by both. The music’s not as mind-blowing here, but the graphics are really turned-out. It’s hard to do effective horror stuff in a game medium, especially the earlier you go in the timeline, but Dead of the Brain really impresses me by melding cartoony with frightening.

Dracula Hakushaku

FairyTale, 1992

I’m sorry, these just fascinate me. I’m noticing a dual theme with these graphical-text adventures: prominent tits and horrible things happening or being found.Still, really detailed illustration, great color choice to make for a dark theme.

A Preponderance of NSFW shit

Big Surprise, 1987-1993

It looks almost like cross-stitch. It is an open and kitchen-ready mockery of itself.

Just in case you wanted to jack off to this, well hey, at least it’s better than the same image would be rendered on a VGA machine. Don’t think too hard about what you’re doing, bucko. I guess people made do back then. Some of it’s awfully MSPaint, though.

Heart of Saphilamun

Annandule Project, 1991

I found very little background info on this one, in either language. It was apparently a hit, but in a flash-in-the-pan sort of way. Something about the screenshots and video intro I’ve found really unsettles me. Maybe it’s the brief, silent sequence depicting a nude woman literally fucking falling apart against a black background. Maybe it’s the horrifying winged snake thing. Maybe it’s the fact that I even asked on forums and couldn’t get a synopsis… it’s apparently loosely based on Lovecraft. I’ll buy that.

All of this has enraptured me with this mysterious device. I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing this glimpse into the grey shadows with me; I live for this kind of shit, and it’s part of why I love to write these articles. I get to pluck artifacts from the dusty ground of the wasteland, wipe them off, and decide they need talking about. Cheers.

See you in July, stay retro!

Once every century, a hoary old castle seems to arise from nowhere. In its shadow come devastation and wickedness. It is the eternal home of the most terrifying fiend ever to wear a cape, the Prince of Darkness himself… Dracula.

It’ll take one pissed-off man with a whip to defeat the Dark Prince. No, I don’t mean Indiana Jones.

Simon Belmont, our hero. (from the Japanese manual)

Castlevania was released as Akumajo Dracula for the Famicom in 1986, coming to the American NES in 1987 and hitting Europe in early ’88. The game is considered by many to be a classic on par with Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda. One of the most memorable and entertaining titles Konami ever released for any platform, the game spawned a lengthy saga spanning from the 8 bit era to the modern age.  There will be a noticeable bias throughout this article, dear reader; you see, there is no denial on my part that the Castlevania series is my absolute favorite. I waited patiently until now, and I’m very happy to be discussing the flagship title in the series now.

                                      I don’t think it matters if you ring the bell, Simon. Go on in.

While the plotline thickens further down the line of this game series, the story of the original is pretty simple. Dracula’s castle as resurfaced, and you, Simon Belmont, must put the King of the Vampires back to rest by finding him in the castle’s tower. What no one told you (but you probably knew anyway) is that Drac’s invited all his buddies over and thrown a sort of perpetual monster party on the castle grounds. Thankfully, you’ve got some firepower in the form of a mystical whip. Called Vampire Killer, this whip has been passed down the Belmont line for the express purpose of gate-crashing Dracula’ s shit and sending him back to oblivion.

                                                A map of the castle (from the Japanese manual).

The Belmont family also has a strange run of luck when it comes to whipping candles; instead of getting wax everywhere, they tend to uncover little hearts and sometimes even powerups. The hearts act as “Ammunition” for a set of sub-weapons that will help you cleave a path through the denizens of the castle. These include a high-arcing axe, a cross-like boomerang that you can use to double-hit an enemy, and holy water that (if placed optimally) can really tear a monster a new one by doing continuous harm. There is another sub-weapon, a stopwatch that will halt all enemies in their tracks for a few seconds… except for the more powerful ones.  In addition to the weapons, you can also find Roman numerals “II” and “III” which allow you to throw more sub-weapons at a time. Combining this with the holy water is actually devastating to certain bosses; you can use multiple holy waters to freeze them in ongoing agony while also spanking them with the whip. This is also a lot of loot lying around – bags of money, even crowns and stuff. Some of it’s in the candles, and some of it’s hidden. If you get badly hurt, try hitting the walls. Dracula left you some meat in there. Not only is this true, but the meat also replenishes a good chunk of lost health. Unfortunately, it is rare and scattered throughout the game in walls.

A brief rundown of the shit Dracula’s left all over his house for you to murder him with. (American manual)

And if ever a set of enemies would have a gamer hitting the walls, it would be the ones living inside Dracula’s nightmarish castle. There are your standard bats and skeletons and even some mermen as you traverse the first set of rooms, and they’re even guarded by a gigantic vampire bat, but it gets even more frustrating later on. There are some types, like the Medusa heads, that just never stop flying at you in a wavy, hard-to-dodge pattern. Little hunchbacks that jump around like total assholes, skeletal dragons that grow out of walls, incredibly durable suits of animated armor that hurl axes… it gets so thick eventually that giant birds are dropping the little hunchbacks on you from above.

Above: The gallery of pain. Click on an image to see a slightly bigger version.

Some of the bosses are a joke, but you still have to watch yourself. Sometimes it’s a matter of skipping sub-weapons you find to keep the right one equipped. For instance, any boss that flies can be nailed good with holy water; wait until it flies near a floor, then cover the floor in holy water while whipping away. This is harder to pull off on the Grim Reaper than it is on Medusa, because the Grim Reaper’s constantly surrounded by flying scythes. The first floor’s giant bat guardian is easier if you use the axe, since it’s usually above you. Some of the other ones, like the twin mummies or Frankenstein’s Monster (paired up with one of those SON OF A BITCH hunchbacks), will give you a pulse-pounding challenge regardless of what you bring to the party. As for Old Drac himself, his first form isn’t too hard. He teleports from one end of the room to another, throwing small fireballs toward you. Once you knock his block off, he mutates into a surprisingly scary-looking demon and leaps at you until you finish him off. You are then treated to a parody credit-roll with puns on the names of famous horror actors.

The graphics in Castlevania aren’t anything groundbreaking, but they’re very good. There’s not much guessing what anything’s supposed to be, and while the color depth isn’t much to write home about, the enemies and background are detailed enough to bring about that creepy horror atmosphere. What really stands out Castlevania (both this game and the whole franchise) is the music. Kinuyo Yamashita and Satoe Terashima composed the score, which is considered by VG music nerds to be an example of how to write a brilliant game soundtrack. “Heart of Fire” is probably my favorite track, but every piece of music in the score is a work of art. This would go on to ring true (to varying degrees) throughout the series.

Two sequels were made for the NES: Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest in 1987, and Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse in 1989. They arrived in the USA in ’89 and ’92 respectively. Both games stayed true to the original in terms of gameplay, but contained expanded concepts that made the game nonlinear or added RPG-style elements to gameplay. As most fans know, the series went on to span several generations of console, including the amazing games Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow for Nintendo’s newer handhelds. These feature the near-future protagonist Soma Cruz as he fights to put Dracula’s castle back inside an eclipse.  These games’ play style is modeled directly after the PS1 title Symphony of the Night, another milestone in the Castlevania series where you play Dracula’s son Alucard.

But those we will save for another dark and stormy night (soon)! I give the original Castlevania eight stars out of ten. It’s a classic, it’s got just the right difficulty level to be truly engaging, and there’s nothing like beating Dracula’s head off with a whip.

Here’s a f*cking insane speed run.

Here’s a great article on the chronological storyline of the whole series.

Here is a great place to learn all kinds of stuff about the games, the series, and anything related to the franchise.

Happy Halloween, RetroMonsters!