Werewolf: The Last Warrior

Data East, 1990

So let me start off with one for the NES, since I just said that.

Data East made a game about a werewolf with swords for hands and released it in North America several months before releasing it at home in Japan. I like to imagine that the conversation leading up to this decision involved the statement, “the Americans will eat this shit up.” That’s what I’d say. And I’m American. We love our nacho hot dogs and our spicy-ranch burger nuggets, and we love our idea mashups too. We’re basically a nation of five-year-olds. I’m lumping myself in too, don’t worry. I am thirty-seven years old and still struggle with the idea that I’m not supposed to eat cake as a meal. I’m not looking down my nose at anyone here. Especially since the idea of a werewolf with swords for hands is pretty fucking cool.

I, a proud American, am in fact eating this shit up.

There is a plot, but you can throw it in the trash along with the cellophane the box came wrapped in. Something about an evil doctor who takes over the world with mutants and how the world’s last hope is some werewolf with swords for hands. You have an ANGER METER that you fill with bubbles to get stronger/jump higher, and you pick up W’s to transition from man to beast and back. Being a man sucks. Be the beast. The beast that can still totally handle ladders with his sword hands and whose hourglass figure is the envy of all the ladies about town.

Pictured: them hips and them knife-hands totally working it… into a sewer.

I have no real complaints about Werewolf: The Last Warrior, nor does it really distinguish itself too strongly in terms of presentation. It has some pretty cool cinematic bumps in between levels, but after a little while it gets irritating to start a level and have a cut scene immediately interrupt it after you take like three fucking steps. I enjoy the separate mechanics of being a werewolf and being really fucking mad. Our hero can be absolutely furious AND/OR be a ravenous wolf-man, and I think it’s important to teach young people that being as pissed off as possible gives you superhuman power independent of any separate moon-shifting curse you may have. It’s part of the human condition. The music and sound are adequate, and most importantly, the fun factor is there. I got tired of WTLW less quickly than I expected. 7 out of 10 for a novel (if silly) concept done decently.

Cross Fire

Sanritsu Denki/Kyugo, 1990

Imagine if Contra kind of sucked. That’s Cross Fire.

I’m sticking with “kind of sucked” because this game is playable. It’s just not as awesome as Contra and made me want to play Contra again instead. It makes me imagine an executive showing Contra to some desperate and underpaid developers and suggesting they also make Contra. Compared to the werewolf with sword hands idea, this is fucking shameful. So, to risk sounding repetitive here: it’s Contra with a life bar, and instead of defeating an alien menace intent on ruling the world, you’re just some soldier asshole who “fights evil” (looks for trouble) worldwide. But be ready to basically play a slower Contra with shittier everything.

This is to art what a hammer is to a delicate porcelain plate.

I won’t call the graphics terrible, but I could. What I will call them, out loud and with a sneer on my face, is lazy. This is low-effort shit for 1990, and I’m including placement in that assessment, not just quality. Your audio experience will not be much better. Fuck it, it won’t be any better at all. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. I will give Cross Fire one positive appraisal: it isn’t totally unplayable if you can deal with:

1) looking at it

2) hearing it

3) feeling vaguely insulted by it

It doesn’t totally suck. It just mostly sucks, and only because it was allowed to. 4 out of 10 out of sheer contempt for Cross Fire.

Atomic Runner Chelnov

Data East, 1988

In real life, the only powers that radiation will give you are the superhuman power to always be sick and the special ability to eventually die of radiation. Chelnov is another classic example of the trope we’ve never truly let die: a man who became a superhero instead of a charred corpse or a short-term hospice patient due to nuclear radiation. He’s an Atomic Runner now, and he’s running for his goddamned life from the KGB or some other “secret organization” that wants his powers for evil. Slings and arrows, man. Every fucking time.

I don’t feel like it’s entirely outlandish that this makes me uncomfortable on some small level.

I know this is a forced-scrolling game, but it’s still very much a platformer; it’s like playing those “athletic” self-scrolling Mario levels in sequence while Data East throws some giant zombie arms and metal-helmeted fire dinosaurs in there for good measure. The scrolling only stops when it’s boss time. There are a variety of weapons and power ups (six counts as variety, shut up) to find, and you’ll want them. Part of what’s so fun about this game is just looking at it; both the arcade and Mega Drive versions are gorgeous for their time, especially some of the background art like the weird person-tree jungle and the Aztec-esque temple area. Chelnov also offers fantastic gameplay, combining a little bit of constant pressure (the nonstop movement) with a ton of action (everything is intent on murdering you, as usual).

My only complaint about it is possible burnout; I’m glad I took a shot at it on emulator so I could save my game state, just so I had a few minutes to look away now and again. I cannot imagine playing this shit in the arcade. Not only do I hate being watched by strangers, I also sweat at the most inopportune times and I’m sure I’d look like a Butterball turkey in a convection oven while playing this. 8 out of 10.

The Incredible Hulk

Probe, 1994

“At least it’s not any Spider-Man game.”

I am so tired of superhero-themed shit, especially the Marvel Cinematic Universe we’ve had force-marketed to us as a combo of sociopolitical “message” and barely-written entertainment. Feel free to email me if you would like to defend milady Marvel Comics at court. I have always liked the Hulk, though. The Hulk gets shit done in perhaps the most honest and cathartic way of any of Marvel’s woke-soap-opera characters: by absolutely losing his shit and stomping the bad guys a new asshole.

Pictured: Hulk tearing Abomination a new, improved, second asshole.

This is one of the few playable early-console-era games licensed by Marvel. I’ve talked about LJN and their sins against us ever since I started writing for NRW, and I will let God smash the gavel on that shit. This game is decent, despite being published by the eternal shit-puddle U.S. Gold. Probe kept this game simple without making it too vanilla. When you give me a controller and the Hulk is on the other end of it, I expect to be tearing shit up worse than Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel on a bender.

You don’t really get that here, but what you do get is a game where the Hulk isn’t a hapless clumsy asshole like every digital version of Spider-Man you saw during this era (except Maximum Carnage, that was fairly good). They can’t have you tearing down buildings all over the place or taking antitank rounds to the chest while laughing, but the Hulk still feels pretty Hulky. You get a decent set of special moves to beat up the Leader’s robots with, including bear hugs, head butts, and a very MK-esque uppercut. It is also decently difficult to harm the Hulk, despite his invulnerability being watered down for a video game. Things don’t get too challenging until they get weird later on in places like space. That’s where shit should start getting challenging for anyone.

Everything looks great, very much arcade-quality without diverging too far from the comics feel of the source material. The Hulk’s walk is kind of goofy, this weird arrogant stomp-march, but I guess he can walk however he wants. He’s the Hulk. Non-shitty digitized sounds are accompanied by an OST that sounds vaguely like the one for Sonic Spinball here and there (which is far from a negative thing). 8 out of 10.

Jewel Master

Sega, 1991

This game is totally my kind of shit. Deep-ass fantasy lore intro (here is a link), elemental magic, a demon lord… shit, what else do you want?

You punch fireballs out of your hands and collect elemental rings to combine for use in your mystical ass-kicking of evil. If you ever played Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, it’s a bit like the DSS Card System, but way less frustrating and slow to build. Another neat angle is how certain types of monsters may be more or less vulnerable to certain elemental attacks; it’s a small but welcome element of basic strategy that adds a bit of additional satisfaction to giving the demon king’s minions an ass whooping.

This dragon doesn’t stand a chance against me in the dance-off.

Like too few of its run-and-shoot platformer buddies, Jewel Master allows the player to aim and shoot upward, instead of just having things come at you from overhead and fuck you up while you sort of waggle your arms forward like John McCain and look foolish. I will never stop dunking on two things in this world: politicians and Mega Man.

It’s a Genesis game developed by Sega, so Jewel Master is pretty damn good all across the board. Its audiovisual artisanship is on par with arcade games of the era, as one would expect from the console itself, let alone games made by the console’s developer. The composer was apparently really into prog-rock, and it sort of shows in the soundtrack, which is probably my favorite part of Jewel Master by a nose. 8 out of 10.

That finishes out May, RetroFans. See you in June! Stay Retro!

1. Metal Gear Solid

Metal Gear Solid is an action/adventure stealth game developed by Konami and released for the original PlayStation in 1998. The genius mind behind this legendary game was none other than Hideo Kojima’s. It was one of the first video games to make stealth gameplay popular, and it still holds up to this day.

Complex storylines, immersive gameplay and beloved characters make this game an absolute classic. Since it was a PlayStation exclusive, you can play it using the PSX emulator on PC.

2. The Pokemon Series (Gameboy)

 games, pc emulator
The Gameboy was a game changing handheld console, and the Pokemon series is what defined it for a whole generation. You already know what the game is about. You explore the map/region, look for these creatures known as Pokemon, capture them, and finally engage in battles with other trainers.

If you haven’t played the GameBoy Pokemon series yet, you absolutely should give it a shot. We recommend the Visual Boy Advance emulator to play these games on PC.

3. The Legend Of Zelda

Even if you’ve never played it, you’ve most likely heard of the name dozens of times.

The first Legend Of Zelda came out in 1986 on the Nintendo Entertainment System or NES. If you’re not going to play this game for it’s amazing story, classic retro art style and not to mention amazing music, play it for the sake of video game history. Mesen is a great NES emulator to play this game.

4. Spyro The Dragon

The first game of this amazing platformer series was released back in 1998 as an exclusive for the original PlayStation. As the name implies, you play as a purple dragon known as Spyro. You journey across the Dragon Kingdom to defeat the main villain, who has trapped all the other dragons.

Unique gameplay, great music and a fun story make this a must play for any fans of the PlayStation. The PSX emulator on PC runs this title beautifully.

5. Halo: Combat Evolved

To this day, this is Microsoft’s best exclusive franchise for their Xbox systems. This is the first title of the series, and was launched back in 2001 for the original Xbox.

Halo brought a lot of new things and unique gameplay to the FPS genre, and it was a major success. If you want to experience where it all started for yourself, use the CXBX emulator.

6. Super Mario Bros 3

Almost every person knows what the Super Mario Bros series is about. It’s a 2D side scrolling platformer, and it’s the most popular one out there. The 3rd entry into this franchise is the most refined one for sure. This is a staple for platforming games.
You can use Mesen to emulate this game, which is a NES emulator.

7. God Of War 2

If there is one series that defined the PlayStation 2, it was the God Of War games. The second entry in this franchise is one of the best sequels to any game out there. You play as a Spartan warrior known as Kratos, seeking revenge on the Greek gods. You should play the whole trilogy to really understand the story. In order to emulate this game, get the PCSX2 emulator.

8. GoldenEye 007

There was a time when turning popular movies into video games was widespread. GoldenEye 007 is a perfect example of this. You play as, you guessed it, James Bond.

It’s a first person shooter which actually features a few gadgets from the movie as well. It is regarded as one of the best games from Nintendo’s N64 console. You can use Project 64 to play it on PC.

9. Castlevania

Castlevania was one of the first more popular games to come to the NES. It’s an action platformer made by Konami. You basically play as a vampire hunter and try to defeat the Count Dracula, while platforming across different levels.

This was one of the first platformers to gain a lot of popularity and still inspires a lot of developers today.

10. Metroid

Another popular NES title, it just goes to show how amazing that console really was. Metroid really speaks for itself. It set the standard for a lot of games you see today. Exploring the map, it’s style and search for different power-ups are all elements many video games still use to this day. Definitely worth playing.

Final Thoughts

The above list has some of the most essential retro games, and if you’re looking for the best performing GPU for gaming, read this guide here https://www.pcguide.com/reviews/best-rtx-2080-ti/. But if you’re in the AMD camp, you should check out the RX 5700 XT. If you need some help deciding between the variants, this guide on the all new AMD RDNA powered GPUs  should help.

Written for his daughter, “Little Angel ” is the final passionate track of FM Attack’s set – and the final track of the Human Music 2 synth festival.

It’s an odd feeling – being nostalgic for a moment happening in the present. The melancholic realization that something beautiful is about to end.

Three days earlier I awoke with a start.

Late. Shit!

A quick, cold shower – the flurry of clothes flying into unpacked bags – a gag of artificial stimulation and a final pat of the pockets – and I’m ready for my nine hour drive. I have to make up for lost time or I’m likely to catch rush hour near Philly, a special kind of hell. Peeling away I remember some things I’ve forgotten – but there’s no time to turn back now.

It’s not until I’m a hundred miles away that I begin to feel truly awake. Running on empty, I make a quick stop for gas and splash of water on my face. I’m jittery – perhaps a bit too much of the stimulants. I shrug my shoulders. Better to be too awake than tired.

Soon again I’m back on the road, screaming down I-70, with Gost’s “They” pumping through the speakers as loud as they’ll go without clipping. Just as I settle into my seat, I realize the car in front of me is nearly stopped. I slam on my breaks a second too late and have to squirm into the burm to make sure I don’t rear-end the poor fucker in front of me. Suddenly I’m thankful for my jitters.

Deer. At Noon. In the middle of an eight-lane highway.

Quickly the hooved rats pass and traffic starts up again. It’s rare to see them out this late in the day – and on a highway this size. A glance at my rear mirror reveals they’re heading back towards the road. As the minute mark nears on “They” and the high pitched horror synths begin to peal, I watch as a ruby red semi slams full speed into the creature – which in turn explodes into a literal mist of gore and viscera. As the darksynth swells I wonder if this is a bad omen – or a good one. Then I remember I don’t believe in omens.

The rest of the drive is relatively uneventful – though as I hit New Jersey I’m reminded that everyone here drives like they want to die. Soon I pull into my friends garage. I’m late, but I’ve made it.

DAY 1

Click Here for a full gallery of photos from Human Music 2!

The next day I arrive to the venue a bit late as well. QXT’s sits on edge of the industrial Ironbound neighborhood and on the corner of the street – the perfect spot for a venue dedicated to “Alternative, EBM, New Wave, Industrial, Darkwave, Goth, and Punk.” The outside walls are made of ribbed concrete and painted a dutiful shade of black – save for a large set of double doors which are braced open and manned by a well-built bouncer. I give him a nod as I make my way inside, were brick and mortar walls exude a gothy industrial vibe which plays well off of cyberpunk transhumanist art which has been prepared for Human Music 2. The venue staff are extremely caring – and the only thing more marvelous than them seems to be their liquor prices.

Photo By Matthew Sperzel, Artwork By Jen Biro

The artist meet and greet is winding down as I don my various wristbands and grab a drink. I decide to make the most of the leftover time and dive in. It’s always fantastic to put a face to a name. In a scene where much of the correspondence happens online, I had already spoken with probably half of the artists in attendance – but never met in person. Being able to communicate face to face instantly changes my perspective as for the first time I feel a real sense of community.

For now though there’s only time for brief introductions before the lights dim and and portent plumes from the fog machines signal the show is about to begin.

When the lights come back up, a wash of soft technicolor illuminates the stage and the stunning artist GlitBiter from Los Angeles along with it. Her beautiful blend of dreamwave and synth begins, the intro followed with lush soaring vocals – the perfect start to the festival. I have little time to dawdle and soon I’m snapping photos with an older DSLR which I borrowed surreptitiously from my dayjob.

“It was so much fun and such an honor to play with so many incredible Synthwave artists. Human Music brought together so many people (both fans and artists) from around the world, and I’m so grateful I was able to be apart of it.”– GlitBiter

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Her set ends with a great applause, and it’s only a few minutes before the next artist – just enough time to step outside for a cancer stick. The first thing I’ve noticed is that the sound in Q’s is absolutely pristine – somehow even sounding better than if I were listening through a pair of headphones. Before long I hear the next act announced and scurry back inside.

Next on stage is Korine – a duo from Philly that specializes in a solid mix of energetic synthpop and gloomy new wave. I haven’t heard them before and I’m instantly a fan. This set is filled with a palpable emotion that fills the venue and really gets the audience moving.

“Human Music was an amazing experience. So much unique talent in one room. It was great to meet fans and artists alike in a truly humbling and exciting atmosphere.”- Korine

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Next up is New Jersey based The Encounter – the first act that is more traditional synthwave. He has a wealth of material to choose from with various influences, and he chooses his tracks well. Each piece flows into the next perfectly, bringing an unbridled energy to the dancefloor. He announces halfway through that his set that his mother is actually in the audience – to great applause and whoops from the crowd. In a genre that capitalizes on nostalgia, I can think of no greater challenge than playing for family. He absolutely kills it.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Aeon Rings takes the stage. Hailing from Brooklyn, this is the first taste we get of the darker side of synth. This sound is a deft blend of synthpop, new wave and darkwave that really gets the crowd amped. They’re dressed to kill and bleed cool. The animated duo are no strangers to performance and consistently strike fluid, engaging poses, stoking the spectators to a fever pitch.

“Human music is a great festival that Damian Hrunka has worked very hard to organize and give synth wave fans and dark electronic music fans alike the opportunity to see some of the best bands in the scene all come together for a 2 day fun in the sun Memorial Day weekend. The comradery amongst the fans and bands is incredible and I haven’t seen that much support in a long time. It gives a chance for lesser known acts to get the boost they need to expose themselves to a proper audience that is open to their art. Would love to see it keep going and growing for sure. They work hard on it and the curation is top notch.” – Aeon Rings

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Next on stage is the bombastic Belgium based Neoslave. His set is unbridled energy and the first to really delve into pure darksynth territory – though there are elements of outrun and disco interlaced. Veins bulge in his face, threatening to burst as the synth grows deeper and more intense. His arms swing back and his form exudes pure energy. His sound is fantastic, and the crowd is electrified as his set draws to its conclusion. The audience releases an amped applause.

“Human Music 2 was a BLAST to the past, retro-futuristic goodness wrapped up in the perfect setting that is QXT’s. I was thrilled to be a part of this sick fest that embraces both darksynth and synthwave and hope to be back soon! Shout out to all involved.” -Neoslave

Photo by Andrew Zistler

The marvelous Cali based Protector 101 is on next – and he dons the stage wearing his eponymous mask based on the horror film “Chopping Mall.” Twin red beams stream from his mask, targeting the audience for dance this time instead of destruction – and he succeeds greatly in this prime directive. At times the venue is so filled with fog you could only see his mask and the beams emanating from it – a radical sight to behold.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Cooling things down a bit with a return to OG retrowave is Pittsburgh based Betamaxx – and boy is he fucking thrashed. Full disclosure – it’s probably my fault – I’d bought him more than a few drinks. Any worry is quickly dispelled though as he rocks out an astounding set that connects deeply and emotionally with the crowd. For many of us Betamaxx is some of the first synth we heard, and his fingers seem fueled by our nostalgia, racing across the keyboard and never missing a note. His newer sounds are just as good as his classics – and the end of his set is marked by emphatic shouts of joy from the audience.

“My experience at human music was a blast, as it was my first year playing. I got to meet some really amazing artists for the first time, and catch up with some old friends from last year. My highlight was getting to meet and hangout with Shawn, from FM Attack. He’s always been one of my ultimate favorites in the scene, and he was a super awesome guy as well. I really enjoyed all the performances, and the fans were all really into it. Needless to say, I will be back again for Human Music 3.” – Betamaxx

Photo by Andrew Zistler

The final act of the first night is Timecop1983 – who hails from the Netherlands. Filled with romance and a truly cinematic feel, the audience reaches a fervor-peak during his set. The vibe is overwhelming, and for a time I forget I’m supposed to be taking photos. Swinging from sentimental to groovy and everything in between, he rocks the house. The applause echoes in our ears as the first night of Human Music 2 winds down.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

But the fun isn’t finished yet – it continues late into the morning with NIGHT.WAV afterparty – a monthly synthwave dance party usually held at Saint Vitus Bar – but exported to QXT’s especially for the Human Music 2 festival. These folks absolutely kill it, showing off some expert mixing and production skills. As I slink deeper into my drinks, I find myself wishing there was a monthly like this in Ohio.

DAY 2

I wake up the next day facedown on a cold wood floor, back stiff but surprisingly not hungover in the least. I’d made it back to my friends apartment. Picking myself up, I start to go through the photos I’d gotten the night before. The day is a warm fumble of Indian food and street vendors in China Town and it eventually ends in a quick nap before I’m back at QXT’s.

Photo By Matthew Sperzel

Everyone seems a bit worse for wear after the late night that ended just over 12 hours ago. The conversations are a bit sluggish but you can tell there isn’t a soul there who would rather be sleeping. The best cure for a hangover is more booze – and the bar is serving up hair of the dog like cucumber sandwiches in a fat camp.

As everyone settles in, Shredder 1984 takes the stage – guitar strapped to his back. If anyone was drowsy before they certainly aren’t after his music starts. A mash of cyberpunk, darksynth and metal, this Frenchman rocks the stage with some fantastic guitar work – truly expert riffs. Halfway through his set he pulls back his hood revealing a large mane of righteous black hair  which he windmills in proper metal fashion. Brutal is an understatement.

Photo By Matthew Sperzel

After the last guitar chords fade, Tokyo Rose rises to the stage. Wearing a mask with his eyes marked as two big X’s, he performs his first ever live set and absolutely destroys it. His themes range from darksynth to outrun and dreamwave and nearly everything inbetween, but somehow he retains his own fantastic sound. The melodies he deploys swirl into one another with seemingly effortless ease – infusing the audience with adrenaline. He dismounts the stage to a cheering crowd.

“Human Music 2 was definitely a fun experience. It was an honor to have performed my first live show at HM2. The love and support from my fans and artist was out of this world and I would love to do it all over again!” – Tokyo Rose

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Soon after Virginia based The Rain Within takes the stage. Their sound is a heavy synth pop deliciously drenched in new wave vocals – really groovy stuff. Partway through their set their mohawked frontman activates a laser gauntlet which streaks neon through the dancing onlookers. If looks could kill we’d all be dead.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Teeel is next to bat at the synth extravaganza – and their setup is truly an amazing thing to behold. Numerous synths old and new line the duo in a semi-circle, backlit by their own light setup. Donning the stage in sunglasses and cool, their guitarist rips licks for the crowd like he’s breathing – his bandmate beside him belts out some fantastic retro vocals as he rips up the keyboards like only a professional could.

“I’ve waited in anticipation all year since the first Human Music Fest to rock out again. Where else can you hear so many amazing Synthwave artists under one roof? I had an absolute blast playing and watching all of the other artists and hope they continue this fest into the future. QXT nightclub sounded fantastic and the staff rocked. The highlight to the weekend for me was seeing FM Attack. We’ve been digital friends for years but it was amazing hanging in person and his set was phenomenal. I can’t wait for next year.” – Teeel

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Arcade High, another duo this time from Pittsburgh, takes the stage side by side with an array of radical controllers. The light show for this one is truly spectacular, blowing beams of colored cool through their concentrating faces. The lights are nothing though – compared to the their signature arcade chiptune dreamwave sound and the clear fervor the artist have for their music. This set is fills the room with passion and draws a clamor of ecstatic shouts from the crowd.

“We absolutely adore Human Music. Its currently the largest US synthwave show, two years running, but yet it’s a very humble affair. Artists are expected to rub shoulders with guests and get up close and personal throughout the whole event. You can’t go five feet without meeting somebody who’s supportive of you, or that you’ve known online for years and never met in person, whether it’s a fan or an artist.” – Arcade High

Photo by Andrew Zistler

Before Human Music 2, I hadn’t listened to much Mr. Kitty. I found myself photographic a particularly interesting looking person dressed in all white – with no idea he was about to play a set. His white attire seemingly absorbing the lightshow, Texas based Mr. Kitty is hardly still during the set – his particular blend of blend of electronic synthpop exhilarating the audience and even himself beyond belief. As he leaves the stage sweat drips from his brow – but not a bit shows through his inhuman jumpsuit. The energy in the room is almost crackling.

Photo by Matthew Sperzel

The second to last set is Makeup and Vanity Set – hailing from Tennessee. This synth titan has been quiet and reserved for the past day or so – until he dons his signature balaclava mask. Anyone familiar with MAVS will know that his sound quite eclectic – so much so it’s hard to pin down a description. The set he plays is intricately complex and engaging – all while juxtaposed against Weebls Stuff’s Badger Badger Badger animation. It’s a special kind of nostalgia only accessible to those exposed early internet. These visuals are mixed with a nearly unmatched virtuosity and make for a set I will forget anytime soon.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

The final set of Human Music 2 is performed by FM Attack. As he takes the stage everyone gathers closer. He’s wearing a simple white button down a black tie, standing in the center of the stage. Neon lights dance over his form – but he doesn’t move, completely absorbed in mixing together and playing his tracks. The set is powerful – for a moment everyone in the room feels connected, not by some superficial high but by a sense of shared memories and emotions only the expert tones FM Attack could produce. The final beautiful track he plays, “Little Angel,” was written for his daughter. The speakers bleed their last warm nostalgic tones as the festival draws to a lachrymose close.

Photo by Andrew Zistler

“Human Music 2 was a truly special event for those in the scene. Personally, it was great to see old friends, meet new ones, and meet those in person — finally — whom I’ve been chatting with on Skype or facebook messenger or text since 2014. In that way it was a bit like a family reunion. That alone made it memorable for a lifetime.

But if we’re getting down to the music — which is the most important part, right? — the music was just top-notch quality. Each of the artists put on amazing performances that would defy the stereotype that synthwave live is just a boring person behind a laptop. When you attend Human, it’s pretty clear it goes way beyond a laptop and some Ableton sessions. These were engaging and captivating performances that variously involved dancing, synths, v-drums, guitars, and yes, computers; often paired with laser-wear and theatrics. It was a blast.” -VEHLINGGO

Photo Credits
Matthew Sperzel
Andrew Zistler

Click Here for a full gallery of photos from Human Music 2!

Co-sponsored by Plague Productions and NewRetroWave

I’m talking about “true classics.” While not the earliest examples of their type, these games – ones that existed within the cycle of arcade, 2600, ColecoVision, and other formats – are certainly the earliest “household names” commonly summoned up from the sediment of our collective long term memory. They’re less often examined nowadays because they appear so rudimentary to your average person, but their worth has not changed. This is some serious, actual oldschool shit, and it’s time for the whippersnappers to sit up straight and start taking notes. We’re gonna do a grab bag on the solid gold oldies.

NOTE: In this article, since I’m talking about games that were released when video gaming was still in its formative (even primitive) stage, I won’t spend much time talking about graphics or sound. It’s a safe assumption that these aspects will be very basic in any game from the era, but if one of them is exemplary for its time in a particular case, I’ll mention it.

Pitfall!

Activision/David Crane, 1982

glug glug glug.

Part of what I really like about Pitfall is that it’s not only a great game, it was part of Activision basically saying “fuck you” to Atari for assuming it’d established some kind of imperial monopoly on

game development. Activision grabbed talent from Atari and other sources over time by offering game designers something Atari absolutely refused to: credit for their work. Eventually, the popularity of the titles developed at Activision pressured Atari to start licensing them. A victory against the Eternal Asshole. Hallelujah.

Anyway, Pitfall gives you control of a dude named Harry, and you have 20 minutes to navigate a decidedly unfriendly environment in order to get some sick loot. The game itself is a very early example of an action platformer, and it even gently tugs on the RPG line, at least in my view. At the very least, it’s got one of the common tropes of that genre: you’re risking your entire ass to poke through a terrible place to find something of value.

The action is pretty damn knuckle-biting for its time, and is one of the reasons Pitfall is considered a classic. There is a constant level of tension and sometimes your decisions boil down to “which horrible risk do I want to take?” High adventure at its finest. My personal favorite is the crocodiles. I love how harry just kind of disappears vertically into them, into some pocket dimension in their lower jaw or something. Regardless of that, Pitfall is a lot of fun to play on any of the systems it was licensed for, and proof that a game with a simple premise and good design is timelessly and universally worthwhile.

BurgerTime

Data East/Mattel, 1982

the egg’s not even that into this. Peer pressure at its worst. That pickle though… it’s pissed. It’s really decided to put everything into this conflict. IT WON’T HEAL THE WOUNDS INSIDE PICKLE

It is known to a few sages of the obscure and the forgotten that the word “BurgerTime,” in the language of the Ancients who sailed across the great astral sea of space to seed our world with the components necessary for abiogenesis and new life, means something akin to “Thunderdome.”

In other words, You don’t just exit BurgerTime. You have to fucking fight your way out.

They can smell your fear. Your fear, and the alluring aroma of sizzling ground beef.

In another simple premise typical of the era, in BurgerTime you are a dude named Peter Pepper who has one job to do: knock some fucking burgers together so you can clock out. The problem is, there are anthropomorphic eggs, hot dogs, and pickles all over your burger scaffold doing their best to stop you from achieving your burger-stack goals. Whatever their problem is, they’ve apparently decided that Peter’s the cause. Fortunately, you can fight back by using pepper not unlike pepper spray, as well as smashing the bad guys under a falling burger part or getting them to stand on it just as you make it drop. Not terribly clever are these rogue ingredients, despite their lust for your blood. The game gets harder as you go, requiring more burgers per stage and throwing more pissed off eggs and pickles into the mix.

I have been an enthusiastic fan of this game for a longer time than a lot of other games that came out before I was born, mostly because I have fond memories of playing it on a beat-up cabinet at a local pizzeria during my childhood. More importantly, it stands alongside Circus Charlie as a video game that reinforces an important concept: conflict, despite its unpleasant nature and ultimately harmful effects, is a perpetual and omnipresent phenomenon. There can never truly be total peace.

Not while those pickles and eggs have a fuckin’ attitude, anyway.

Q*bert

Warren Davis/Jeff Lee, 1982

Gottleib’s most successful title, Q*bert is one of those early arcade games that became a readily recognizable property readily seen as a symbol of the video game.” I even remember the younger of my two older sisters, who didn’t give half a shit about video games at all, having a Q*bert button on her backpack in high school. While the little snoot-dude doesn’t even remotely approach Mario or Pac Man in terms of being a household name, during the early 80s he made quite a name for himself. That’s because his game is actually pretty novel for its time, not to mention fairly fun to play.

Already all kinds of fucked.

As Q*bert, you’re trying to jump all over a set of isometrically drawn cubes, changing the color of them when you land on them. This sounds like a pretty easy thing to pull off, until you consider that snakes, monsters, and all kinds of shit are chasing you around while you do this, trying to preserve what I guess they see as the cube color status quo of the iso-pyramid. Shit can get a little heated, especially since the green monsters can change back the cubes you’ve touched. Things can quickly dissolve into bullshit.

Even cooler than any of that, and something I’ve not been able to personally experience in full since I use emulators for most of this, is the level of effort that went into the Q*bert cabinet. Not only was a speech synthesizer used to create the sound Q*bert makes when he gets caught by a bad guy, but pinball components were even included into the machine to create certain sound effects. The digital sound components use 128 bytes of memory to to their job, which is quite a bit for ’82. I personally find this to be the most impressive part of Q*bert, especially since I’m really shitty at the actual game.

Pitfall! – 7/10 (It’s really fun and involved for a game of its time, and if you can appreciate games this old at all, then it’s even exciting.)

BurgerTime – 8/10 (it can be a real motherfucker, but it’s an early example of Data East not shitting the bed with the lights on while designing a game, so I’m very fond of it.)

Q*bert – 7/10 (A lot of innovation took place when this game was unleashed on the world, and it’s faded from prominence a bit, but it’s not to be overlooked.)

Konami, one of the monolithic names in Japan’s gaming industry, has had its hand in the game since 1978 (not its founding, but when it produced its first coin-op game). The company has a string of successful franchises, both past and present, including the iconic Castlevania and Metal Gear series retro gamers have known and loved from the beginning. While many of us (myself included) got our first taste of Konami via the NES, it was arcade coin-op titles that laid the steady foundation for the company’s rise to prominence. Thanks to both MAME and the new life given to retro-style arcades in recent times, I’ve had a chance to fiddle with several of these killer titles, and I’ve chosen three to talk about in my usual long-winded fashion. Let’s waste no further time with my jabber-jawing. Let’s take a look.

Battlantis (1987)

Two things immediately stood out to me when I played Battlantis: the first one was how it blends sci fi with an “ancient world” motif. Your warrior uses his laser weapon and various other goodies to defend the parapets of a stone fortress from grenade-wielding goblins and horrible monsters. He’s even got a gnarly little Rocketeer-looking helmet. The second thing I noticed was the incredible graphical quality visible in nearly everything onscreen. There are huge boss monsters who are depicted in gruesome detail, perhaps the most self-evident display of Battlantis’s visual show. The final boss is reminiscent of ones we’d see in some Contra series installments, and there’s even one that kind of looks like the Rancor from Return of the Jedi…

The music isn’t bad either, but it’s hardly outstanding. I found the game challenging, but even when I got my space gladiator ass kicked, I wanted another go. Battlantis feels like a very “big” game despite the fact that your motion is limited. It’s an ancestor of “tower defense” with a lot going on, offering both exciting gameplay and a visual feast.

Aliens (1990)

I actually just recently re-watched the first through third movies in this series, and Aliens is still my favorite of the three. I understand even more as an adult how utterly horrifying the alien queen is, all spiderlike and ruthless, churning out a swarm of her acid-blooded spawn deep within the conquered mining colony. I’m better able to appreciate just how good of a cast the film had, which turned out to be a key ingredient for a non-shitty sequel. I also remembered that Burke (Paul Reiser) reminds me of an ex-boss of mine, which adds an extra layer of catharsis for me when he’s rent asunder by a shrieking jet-black monster.

If you think about it, Konami making an arcade adaptation of Aliens was pretty natch. I mean, you can even see similarities between the face-huggers in this game and the little pink scramblers in the last stage of Contra. It sure seems like I’m tying everything back into Contra today, but I swear it’s not calculated. Besides, I’m fairly sure I could do an article just on how many games have borrowed visual inspiration from the Alien series…

Don’t worry. I may sometimes seem like I’m using this as an echo chamber, but I do actually respect you. I won’t write a whole article about that.

Okay, okay. This game is a pretty high-impact side-scrolling run & gun. Ripley, who apparently got a bleach job for the arcade game, skips a ton of what actually happens in the movie and just plows in solo to purge the colony of xenomorphs by traversing it end to end and WRECKING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. You’re inching through vent shafts, strolling through the breeding grounds themselves, and even going toe-to-toe with the Grand Bitch herself using the powerlifter. The graphics are very good, with lots of SNES-style sprite scaling and lots of detail in the backgrounds. The obligatory diversification of enemies from film canon is fun, and doesn’t make the game seem too goofy. Really, the sound effects stood out to me as the coolest part; the quality of the aliens’ death rattles helps to keep a little edge of creepiness in the game.

Monster Maulers/Kyukyoku Sentai Dadandarn (1993)

This game is fucking unbelievable, and I’m legitimately sad that it didn’t become the next Street Fighter II in 1993. To give the simple description of Monster Maulers, you play as one of three superheroes and beat the shit out of really bizarre monsters in confrontations similar to your typical fighting game. These horrors are roaming the Earth thanks to a sinister organization known as the Happy Droppers. First you thrash the monsters, then you take the Droppers out back and teach ’em how to sing soprano.

I can’t get over how completely insane this shit is. I’m like, moderately skilled at fighting games (at best), and usually don’t play them for long spans of time, but I can’t cool it with Monster Maulers at all. All three characters have lunatic moves worthy of a superhero, including atomic fireballs and pro wrestling moves. I have body-slammed a centaur. I’ve punched a demon in the face repeatedly. I have hurled white-hot balls of plasma at a giant living Moai head until it tapped out in submission. At the end, you brawl with a robot gorilla and fistfight a tank.

I have nothing negative to say about Monster Maulers except that I’m pissed I never encountered it earlier in my life. I’d have probably shit my pants. Part of me is sure Konami limited its distribution in order to soften the titanic blow of its very presence. The music is CD quality, and I’m pretty sure I even heard singing. Don’t even get me started on the graphics. When you make a game that centers around superheroes inflicting career-ending injuries upon massive supernatural monsters, you have to make it look good.

They did. I am out of words for this.

Battlantis – 7/10 (It was cool to find this. It reminded me of modern tower-defense games, which causes me to see it as their ancestor.)

Aliens – 7/10 (overall it’s nothing legendary or unique, but it’s very good for a licensed game and also a good choice of play-format for the source material.)

Monster Maulers – 9/10 (I wanted to give it a 10/10, but I have to maintain what little inner discipline I have. Monster Maulers is… monstrous.)

At the end of last month, we looked at three titles from the year 1987, taking stock of their pros and cons thirty years after their original release. I like to think of the process as something between an honest review, a nostalgic look back, and a brutal Friar’s Club roast (except I’m nowhere near as funny as any of those guys). This week I’ve chosen three more games from ’87 for us to slap around before giving them a big kiss and saying “happy 30^th.”

Karate Kid

Atlus/LJN

November 1987

Daniel turns the Japanese kids on to some Florida-style death metal. I like how “map” is just a line.

Here’s another license LJN got their grubby hands on during the 80s. I never had a strong opinion about any of the films,but karate was a big deal during the era in question and I understand why they had such success. I hear they’re doing a TV series, which makes me happy for Ralph Macchio since he really faded into the background once he hit adulthood. I digress… the NES game lumps the first two films together, focusing mainly on the second installment set in Japan. The first “stage” consists of a karate tournament that can be won relatively easily by spamming kicks and being insanely aggressive. Once you end up in Okinawa, things get trickier. You have to fight tons of thugs (some of them are carrying what look like harpoons), walk through a typhoon, and save your cute Japanese girlfriend from the massive prick who’s the student of Miyagi’s rival in the second movie. You actually have to save her twice, but only one of those times require you to actually beat Growly Scowly (a quick Wikipedia search tells me his name is Chozen and the girl’s name is Kumiko). Truly, Daniel-san was living a modern otaku’s wet dream. Or hero fantasy. I don’t know.

I can’t really smear Karate Kid in terms of overall quality. It’s hard but not stupid hard, has some pretty cool minigames, and there’s a level of polish present that you can tell Atlus was responsible for. The graphics are pretty good except for two things: the power-ups are just letters, and what the fuck is up with Daniel’s face in some of the minigames?

like a kewpie doll cross-bred with a Roswell alien.

My one complaint is that the game’s kind of short once you get the hang of it. Otherwise, Karate Kid is one of those few exceptions to a rule: a game published by LJN that didn’t come out the other end looking like forty dollars worth of chewed bubblegum.

Black Tiger

Capcom

August 1987

Listen up, because this is one of Capcom’s less well-known arcade titles, but probably one of its best from the pre-SFII era. Black Tiger is fucking crazy. The story’s fairly basic: three dragons slapped a kingdom around until that kingdom was pretty much bullshit; enter the protagonist, a berserk knife-hurling bodybuilder who wears just enough armor to look armored but never enough not to show the world how he keeps it real in the gym.

“Like what you see?”

Let me veer slightly off topic for a second, in reference to the main character’s melee weapon: these things are called flails, not morningstars or mace-and-chain. A flail, which evolved from the ancient tool used to process grain, is one or more weighted heads on lengths of rope or chain, affixed to a handle. A morningstar (also called a godentag, meaning “good day,” a morbid twist of humor I adore) is usually just a massive club with bands of iron and spikes augmenting the ass-beating end.

So our dude here battles his way through a dangerous fantasy world using a deadly throwing knife/flail combo, smashing the minions of the three dragons and un-petrifying some “wise men” he finds as stone statues along the way. For his trouble, the stone-to-fleshed guys will give the hero extra time on the clock or zenny coins. I KNOW A BUNCH OF YOU NERDS LOVE MONSTER HUNTER, so that currency will sound familiar; Black Tiger was the game that first featured it. Anyway, chests and hidden treasures (in walls, etc.) have more powerups like armor, life refills, extra lives, and more. Just like another Capcom title, Magic Sword, some of the chests are full of nothing but fuck-you and will hurt you if you don’t react quickly after opening them. You can also spend those sexy zenny coins on items in shops run by the little beardy guys you keep de-stoning. While the game is a platformer, it has a lot of areas to explore… almost enough that you’d want a map screen or something, but it’s pretty hard to actually get lost.

Bedecked in gold, ready to obliterate a dragon-man.

I am all about Black Tiger. It’s very Capcom with its epic but cartoon-like presentation, and it’s a lot of fun to play despite having a level of difficulty typical of a coin-op title. Capcom has a history of doing fairly well when crafting fantasy-style games, and this is no exception. I can’t even come down too hard on the one misgiving I do have about Black Tiger: when heard through the original equipment (or an emulation thereof), the sound effects are fucking annoying. As if to compensate, the music is of a quality on par with Capcom’s other arcade stuff… above average.

Fantasy Zone II: The Tears of Opa-Opa

Sega

October 1987

The cutest little sapient spaceship you ever did see.

I love the original Fantasy Zone. I enjoy shooters in general, and Fantasy Zone‘s combo of excellent gameplay elements and a goofy style has me lovingly devoted to it. I cannot and will not speak ill of it. It is severely awesome and if you disagree with me you should probably just go the rest of the way in that direction and admit that you’ve secretly hated video games since you were born.

I don’t get the same gooey feeling in my black heart when I play this sequel, but it’s also very good. The first thing I noticed was that the backgrounds are absolutely breathtaking. Much more

both the laser-burger boss and the candy-cake mountains are rendered in deliciously deep color.

attention was paid to this aspect the second time around, and it’s most evident in the arcade version (which came after the Mark III/Master System version, in a world where arcade versions are usually the mommy). The music isn’t quite equal to that of the original in terms of catchy-ness or charm, but a couple of tracks (notably rounds 1 and 5) come close to hitting the mark.

FZII plays very similarly to its predecessor; a little added complexity comes from the fact that each zone has two “sides” to clear before the boss shows up. Speaking of the bosses, expect no punches pulled. They are every bit as challenging as you’d hope, and you’ll have to stay alert and be quick. While FZII seems on its surface to to be a minimally altered clone of its predecessor, I’m already planning to open up my emulator after this to play it some more. Unlike so many sequels and second chapters in various media, it’s satisfyingly true to its origin but enough of its own animal that it could stand on its own merits.

Karate Kid – 6/10 (It’s not a classic, but it’s really quite good for something LJN has its name on, which impressed the shit out of me)

Black Tiger – 7/10 (when I rate something 7/10 it means I like it but I couldn’t play it nonstop for more than a day or so, which is right where this one falls in. Still a fantastic arcade platformer!)

Fantasy Zone II – 8/10 (I’ll stop comparing it to the original, but it’s definitely worth playing if you liked the first one.)

I’ll start this off the way I like to start as many conversations as possible these days: I have a ton of emulators now, not to mention a handful of working consoles. Every moment I don’t spend writing, doing other work, playing D&D, sleeping, reading, or doing gangster shit (read: more sleeping), I tend to spend screwing around with games no newer than the year 1998 or so.

It occurred to me that hadn’t done a “grab bag” style write-up for a while, so I looked over my breadth of selection and got an idea. I could just use a particular year as my theme. Any platform, and genre, any style. Here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s do it up right and have a look at some games that are turning 30 this year. That’s right… get in the DeLorean, because we’re going back to ’87, and we don’t need roads because your ass can sit right there and enjoy the show.

R-Type | Irem | July 1, 1987

The shoot-em-up remains one of my favorite styles of game, and the 1980s were its formative era. We saw the genre that began with games like Galaga begin to transform, yielding high-octane excitement that progressively offered more and more challenges along with the advancement in gaming technology. R-Type is notable in the history of the shmup not only for being one of Irem’s most successful games, but also for its considerable difficulty and innovative gameplay elements.

Yo… this is vaginas. You’re not even trying to hide it, Irem. You straight up made a boss monster by stacking up lady-parts.

For real though, this game is fucking HARD. Like a lot of shooters, the focus is on the game itself, not the plot; you’re responsible for saving humanity from an alien menace hellbent on destroying it. This life form is called “the Bydo,” and apparently its preferred method of war is the relentless bullet hell. At least they gave you a badass little ship!

Well, okay… it doesn’t start out badass, but powerups let you improve your main gun, and you can also get a little “pod” that can float near your ship or detach from it. This little guy provides more firepower, not to mention versatility. You’re gonna need all the extra guns you can call in, too. I would say that we’ve seen harder shmups since; that’s not hard to say with confidence since I’ve played Ikaruga and also seen some of the insane shit people have home-cooked on the Internet. Don’t let that take away from the challenge of R-Type, though. It is not, in any way, fucking around.

The visuals are pretty rich for 1987, most notably the environmental art and the huge (sometimes gross) bosses. Lots of attention to detail, rich color depth, and surprising complexity for 384×256. There is a giant spaceship, as well as several aliens of varied forms, and all of them are rendered in surprising detail. The music is pretty ponderous, and the sound effects get annoying quickly, but that’s really the only department in which R-Type suffers.

NetHack | Mike Stephenson/NetHack Dev Team | July 28, 1987

I’ve waited for a long while to bring up the roguelike genre in one of these articles. If we were to go just by logged hours, by sheer time spent playing, I’d say this genre of game would rank in the top 3 for me personally. I will define the format in the briefest way possible: the player chooses from a couple of sets of parameters (usually a race and character class, like most RPG fans are familiar with), then is placed at the beginning of a randomly-generated dungeon or other environment with the idea of achieving a particular goal. Play is turn-based instead of realtime, allowing for careful thought and planning. You will usually die a horrible death before achieving your goal, but the fun is seeing how far you can make it.

NetHack is only two generations removed from  Rogue, the 1980 Unix-based game that started the genre. I’ll go ahead and mention now that the graphics for these early games were not the focal point. NetHack is also not known for its breakneck action, although it can get really exciting if you’re into it and have an imagination. And for those of you who don’t, well, there are tilesets for the modern iteration of it that offer a richer visual experience. In fact, the game has continued to see maintenance and updates, last releasing a new version in 2015.

In NetHack, you choose your race, role (class), gender, and alignment (lawful, neutral, or chaotic) and head down into the dungeon to retrieve the Amulet of Yendor. The amulet is said to grant immortality if offered to the gods. Why the hell anyone would want to live forever is beyond me, but maybe I’m just a downer. There are, of course, sub-quests, one of which is specific to whatever class you chose. The dungeon is about 50 floors, and the journey is never the same twice. Needless to say, the dungeon is chock-full of all kinds of monsters (and I mean all kinds; the variety is staggering), most of whom want to murder the shit out of you and eat your body. There are also a lot of leftover bits of gear lying around from the chumps who tried this before you, and some of them (potions, scrolls, etc) give no outward indication as to their purpose or effect. You can always go in blind, but that’s as risky as it sounds. Drinking something when you don’t know what it is? Sounds like the way several of my early D&D characters fucking died. Let’s do it!

Oh, and when you die… you’re dead. No retry, no saved game. Start again. Make a new character. Therein lies most of the challenge and enjoyment of the game.

Like many truly oldschool roguelikes, NetHack is entirely and truly free. I also recommend DCSS, which is a more frequently-maintained and sometimes more approachable oldschool roguelike.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link | Nintendo | January 14, 1987

Usually I take a giant shit on at least one of the games I write up in these articles. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect me to do that to Zelda II. It received positive critical reception in 1987, and even some modern gaming sites consider it to be pretty solid. However, if you ask many individual players – real folks like you and me – they’ll tell you that Zelda II is clumsy, needlessly elaborate, tedious, and unapproachable without a guide or walkthrough.

This. This, right here, is gaming at its finest. Please put a flathead screwdriver in my brain.

I fall somewhere in between. I’m not crazy about the game’s tacked-on RPG elements; I think that, at the very least, they could have made leveling up go faster. It’s also incredibly annoying to have little figures chase you on the world map. More significantly, the game relies on a lot of hints and instructions from people in the towns, and a little clarity seems lost in translation. The plot is also utter bullshit. In fact, it angers me. It’s Zelda, but not the Zelda from the first game? How many Zeldas am I gonna have to fuck with, here? There was no need. No need.

It’s not a terrible game, though. Zelda II has a lot to offer the modern player.

Sneering, it mocks you in your weakness.

Get yourself a walkthrough, preferably one that focuses on clarity. Walkthroughs can suck the fun out of most RPGs, but this one actually benefits from a little help on deck. That way, you can focus on not getting your ass constantly kicked in stupid ways. Don’t forget to pick up the stupid little goddamn bags that appear when some monsters die. That’s part of leveling up.

When you are able to separate from these elements, it can actually be a fun challenge to navigate through Zelda II. Progress involves fighting carefully, calculating risks, and learning the weaknesses of the monsters (particularly the rowdy crew of assholes inside the palaces).

The graphics are standard for NES in 1987: not great, not bad. The music, though… let’s put it this way. The overworld/map screen music would make terrific music to pipe into a room you were confining someone in for aggressive psychological torture. It’s this violently cheery, over-wrought, bizarrely jaunty tune that belongs nowhere except maybe on a level of Hell that is made out of grandma-candy. The rest of the soundtrack is fairly good. If you pay close attention to the intro music, at one point it sounds like the melody to a Nickleback song. Don’t ask me which one, because the only times I’ve willingly listened to Nickleback were out of tolerance or sheer circumstance. I just have an ear for music.

JUST RATE ‘EM ALREADY

R-Type – 7/10 (hell of a good shooter, innovative for its time, good challenge. Why does one boss look like a huge alien cooter though?)

NetHack – 8/10 (If you like an RPG experience that is protracted, cerebral, and casual yet detailed, this type of thing is for you.)

Zelda II – 6/10 (There’s plenty not to like about it, but I can get into it if I just turn off little parts of my consciousness or achieve ego death.)

]]> https://newretrowave.com/2018/03/31/grab-bag-1987-games/feed/ 0 https://newretrowave.com/2018/02/08/retro-motor-feature-video-game-vehicles/ https://newretrowave.com/2018/02/08/retro-motor-feature-video-game-vehicles/#respond Thu, 08 Feb 2018 21:59:32 +0000 http://new-retro-wave.com/?p=6546 This month’s NRW feature goes back to a time when I used to drive around in cars hitting pedestrians for fun; performing drive-by shootings and time attacks on busy highways. I’m talking, of course, about my childhood and, more specifically, the vehicles featured in video games of the past.

In the 80’s, racing games were in their infancy, from polygonal cockpit views, to top-down racers, I’ve been there, done that and grown out of the T-shirt. The young gamers of today are currently being treated to multi-million pound titles containing all manner of real-world cars, fully licensed and supported by the manufacturers. Lifelike graphics and sound in full 360 degrees 4K resolution.

Back in the day, things weren’t quite as polished, many games had vehicles created purely for that release, some of them becoming more renowned than others. I’m quite sure that some publishers just flat out ignored possible legal kickbacks until car manufacturers realized how much they could coin in. Hop in and take a drive through memory lane and recall some of the best fictional and non-fictional motors in video game history.

First on the list has to be the infamous Outrun and its iconic Ferrari Testarossa spider. In essence, a driving game in which you can drive for as long as you have the money, kind of like real life in fact. It’s you, the drop-top Ferrari, and a blonde passenger, against time on a backdrop of sunsets and beaches. It has unwittingly become a massive influence on the often cool and casual style of the synthwave scene. Not only a great looking title in the arcades but paired with the original soundtrack that could be selected on the radio, it has acquired a cult following.

For someone who lives in a country with at least eight different types of rain and roads that remain the width of horse and cart, the equivalent Outrun game from the UK would be hooning a Jaguar E type around country lanes avoiding tractors and manure, with the windscreen wipers on full chat.

In a similar time and a game much in the same style, S.C.I or Special Criminal investigation was undoubtedly one of my favorite finds in the arcades. I remember back in school we were heading over to Isle Of Wight by ferry and instead of being left to soak in the journey and explore the craft, perhaps, we were being forced to do some sort of activity involving pen and paper. I managed to sneak off without being noticed in the large front lounge where I found a pristine and fully working S.C.I machine.

I’m pretty sure my souvenir and/or food money, were all consumed by the machine that day, nevertheless, I walked away with the top score and found my classmates again. I never knew that one day I would own the car I thought was so cool at the time. The Nissan 300ZX was certainly built for speed and road holding but with its targa roof, this meant that as an undercover cop you could stand up and fire a gun at a fleeing criminal until they stopped moving.

Speaking of the Isle Of Wight, this was the home of Carmageddon, a game with such notoriety it probably made the film Death Race more popular than it already wasn’t.

Adorning the front cover is a maniacal looking bald chap gripping the wheel with one hand, setting the mood for what’s to come, no police, no rules just out and out carnage. In the game you begin and choose either a male or female driver. Max Damage or Die Anna, as if the game’s premise wasn’t controversial enough already. The car in question is the Red Eagle, a concept from the UK based Stainless Games, its simplicity at its best.

A red powerful sports car with a serrated blade running down the middle like a Mohican of death. Whether it be cows, pensioners, or businessmen, the red eagle was a great place to start your journey into a death race. The car felt heavy and powerful as you tore around the city, attempting to either win the race or run over every pedestrian on the track (yes that was one of the objectives).

Continuing the PC titles, Interstate ‘76 was for me one of the coolest open-world vehicular combat games. In it, you play the part of Groove Champion, a tanned, blonde, handlebar mustache in flares. He inherits the Picard Piranha from his sister who is shot in cold blood in the beginning of the game’s story. Based on the Plymouth Barracuda, it was a hit with a young enthusiast like me but this particular car had armor plating and mounted armaments. A low rumbling V8, striking paint job, and armed to the teeth, it made for some great battles. Interstate ‘76 was like Mad Max 2 without the bondage gear, Fast and Furious but with better acting.

You cruise around early on learning the ropes of car combat with Taurus, your mentor, who drives an absolute barge of a car he likes to call Eloise. I paired the game up with my flight stick utilizing all of the buttons and the “Hat stick” on the top to be able to switch views, giving the ability to drive and shoot out of the window simultaneously. This was at a time where Grand Theft Auto was still from the bird’s eye perspective, so for the time, it was a very immersive game. All in all, you spent quite a lot of time inside that car, you could swap it for something else if you wanted to later on but the Piranha was everything I’d need.

Interstate ’82 did indeed feature a plethora of vehicles including a Delorean but the game was stripped down in favor of a more arcade feel, much like Twisted Metal.

The time of the movie car chase it seems is almost up. We’ll look back all starry-eyed in the future, as cool cats adorning driving gloves battled it out on the streets, shifting gears and making corners look like works of art. Which for me is why the Driver series was such a joy to experience. You play the part of Tanner, an undercover cop who drives a car which very much resembles a black 70’s Buick Skylark. All you need to know about the spec is that its rear wheel drive, the handling is akin to that of a boat, it has shed loads of torque and a rumbling V8.

For anyone old enough to remember the golden era of the car chase, you needed some, if not all of the following; A powerful car, driven by said protagonist, narrow yet good looking streets, boxes and other smashable objects, pursuing cop cars or a menacing looking chase car and finally, pedestrians looking on in terror.

Driver had it all and the physics were good fun, tires squealing, cornering sideways and cops crashing left right and center.

Whether some of these vehicles take you back to fond gaming memories, or you’ve just discovered something you didn’t know existed, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading.

Let me know what vehicles you would have included in the comments below!

This Grab Bag is devoted to that idea. I’ve snagged three titles that, well-known or not, embody the absurdity so often encountered in classic (and, let’s be fair, modern) gaming.

Jail Break

Konami, 1986

Arcade

The basic plot of this one is that a small army of criminals have escaped from the jail/prison/whatever, and it’s up to one cop to stop their wave of violence. They’ve taken a bunch of hostages and inexplicably not just scattered across the country, working cohesively for reasons only guessed at. It’s your job to bring them all back in, dead or alive.

My best guess is that this is meant as an existential question.

As if to stress that last part, gameplay consists primarily of running forward, wildly firing your gun. Once in a while, a hostage will appear and call out to you in fairly clear digitized speech. Don’t fucking kill them. Kill the 1,000 identical shirtless dudes in striped pants trying to kill you. They all have iron balls on chains attached to their legs, but somehow are about as mobile as you. This is it. This is Jail Break.

Why, hello there, citizen.

Ridiculous Shit:

• You can get a bazooka and other weapons, you know, like cops constantly have somehow.
• Sometimes when you shoot a barrel, Batman pops out of it, and he’s got no shirt on.
• The female hostage with a baby yells “help, I’m over here” when it’s pretty obvious where she is… running straight towards you through a hail of gunfire.
• If you kill a bad guy who’s firing at you from a window, he momentarily turns into a nude woman.
• On the last level, the gate of the prison says “WELLCOME” above it in blood.
• Just like Circus Charlie, this shit continues forever. The Replay Burners video of it is over 5 hours long.

Toilet Kids

Bits Laboratory, 1992

PC-Engine/TurboGrafx-16

A pale horse if there ever was one.

Although I’m not particularly religious, I am often heard to quote the Book of John, Chapter 11, Verse 35. This game is one of those entries in our hobby’s history that spills the verse from my mouth like a font of woe.

A positively nightmare-driven spread from the game’s manual. This came from the mind of someone who belongs in a special cage. A rubberized one.

I’m unclear on the story being told here, except that it is disgusting and probably illegal. Some kid goes and sits on the toilet, presumably in the middle of the night (guessing by the darkness) and gets… whisked to a magical world of shit and piss. The entire thing is presented as a vertical overhead shoot-em-up that borders on spiritual devastation, at least for me. If you earnestly like this game, that’s your business, but I also hate you in a raw and instinctive way I can’t overcome. I’m sorry.

Ridiculous Shit:

• You are riding a flying Japanese-style commode through a mystical land of scatological references.
• Human butts on creatures that are universally far from human
• disembodied, uncircumcised dicks that fly forward, rotate toward you, and spray in offensive formation
• hippos that barf literal shit at you
• Almost every enemy is a butt, has a butt it shouldn’t, uses its butt to hurt you, or just hurls these perfectly round bullets of excreta (either actual literal dookie balls or mysteriously round orbs of piss) toward you like a scat-obsessed Galaga bad guy
• who did this
• why
• WHY

MC Kids

Virgin Games, 1991

NES

I’m not ragging on this one because it’s a licensed McDonald’s game. That’s fine. I understand the desire of businesses to market themselves however they deem effective. My feelings on it, for the purpose of this article, are largely irrelevant.

I want to do all of these things. This makes total sense. I am motivated. Let’s go.

This game is also pretty clearly an attempt to clone Super Mario Bros. 3’s gameplay from the ground up, and it’s not terrible in that respect… it’s just not a great imitation.

1. Who is this 2. What does he hope to achieve here 3. Why am I playing this

I don’t know… there’s just something surreal about this one, and it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s a combination of the above two mentioned elements, and a few others: maybe it’s the sometimes out-of-place enemies, the weird leering presence of Ronald everywhere, or even the harrowing journey through what looks like a “blood world” later on to reach Hamburglar’s hideout. Why would they put a kid through this?

Blood World. Easily recognizable as part of canonical McDonalds imagery.

Ridiculous Shit:

• You’re sort of solving a problem out of your pay grade; if Ronald and the crew can’t get Hamburglar’s raging addiction under control or at least stage an intervention, what the fuck are you supposed to do
• Sometimes it’s kind of like the enemies/hazards were tossed in as an afterthought; in fact, despite them, the game still comes across as Mario 3 Lite
• Hamburglar lives separate from the other McDonalds characters by way of what closely resembles a hellish world of blood

I can’t denounce these games fully, for to do so would be to exclude them from the spectacle that draws each of us in and hooks us. Part of the video gamer lives for action, but another part suckles at the teat of the bizarre and somehow draws nourishment. We dine on this fare, and we are (despite all notions of rational thought or common sense) thankful for the bounty of providence. In closing, may the world of video games never stop offering us the occasional absurdity. It would perhaps detract from the creativity inherent in the market, and result in a loss of vitality for video games. That’s scarier to think about than an entire game about McDonald’s or poop.

We normally talk about the literal classics in my articles: games that came out when we were young, that defined our video game experience as we grew into what we are now. However, sometimes I like to shine a deserved spotlight on modern titles that seek to recapture that gold-spun retro feel. They may do it through their setting, their style, even their subject matter. The idea continues to not only sustain itself, but to grow in popularity. Here are the ten games from 2017 that have really stood out in that manner… dare we say, the best of the year.

#10

Door Kickers: Action Squad

Killhouse Games

“exitus acta probat” translation: sometimes you gotta shoot down a fucking door.

A true inheritor of the run-and-gun bloodline, Action Squad is one part squad tactics, one part gunfighting action and two parts high-octane RIDICULOUS. This side-scrolling pixel style number is reminiscent of the earlier Broforce, but its multiplayer and goal-oriented facets are more strongly emphasized. The game has made a deep impact on Steam, even before its full release. Bust down doors, wreck perps, and get wrecked in turn. Action Squad is one of those games where you can’t even get mad when your guy dies, because you’ll be laughing your ass off.

#9

Shadows of Adam

Something Classic Games, LLC

This is home. This is where you belong.

If you are one of those diehard fans of the classic Super NES era JRPGs, then this is a must-have for you. Rich, lush pixel graphics combine with a strong soundtrack and a killer storyline to recapture the magic of the genre the way it was when games still came in cartridges. Shadows of Adam also features a refreshing AP combat system, which encourages economical and clever battle strategy outside of the time-honored “thwock and be thwocked back” method. Definitely recommended for RPG fanss who love the classic formula but could do with a bit of a twist.

#8

CrossCode

Radical Fish Games

Only one example of the stunning visuals you will encounter in CrossCode.

And then there’s THIS neo-retro RPG masterpiece. The best way I could describe this one would be: if all those classic SNES RPGs smoked an undiluted hit of action and stuffed their backpack with all the great bells and whistles that have become part of the RPG genre from then to now… but still stayed true to the form you first knew. CrossCode is the story of a mute girl who logs into an MMO from the future, but there’s more to it than that (PLAY IT). The game’s got talent trees, side quests, a slick story, and incredibly sick 2D graphics in the JRPG style. You won’t just be engaging in live full-action combat (a step up from the one thing that could be considered boring about the old school source material), you’ll be solving puzzles and exploring a huge game world. There’s tons to suck in old school RPG fans and action junkies alike.

#7

Flint Hook

Tribute Games, Inc.

The game’s selling point can be summed up in two words… SICK. MOVES.

This side-scrolling action plunderfest is a real gem with a lot going for it. Flint Hook combines incredibly fun gameplay elements with undeniably old-school audiovisual elements to provide an addictive time sink worthy of any gamer’s thumbs. The levels are procedurally generated, which means the game’s replay value is through the roof. There’s nothing not to love about Flint Hook; playing as a space bounty-hunter with a neat array of gadgets and an endless supply of daunting challenges makes for one hell of a fantastic voyage. There’s also a ton of achievements worth unlocking, since nearly all of them give you something tangible and/or equippable in the game. Tribute Games has really crafted a great example of game design with this one!

#6

Orbt XL

Nickervision Studios

This barely does it justice. Peep this video of someone rocking hard. You’ll get the idea.

An addictive yet easy to pick up game, eloquent in its simplicity, Orbt XL makes the list not only for its popularity but for its sheer playability. While it’s not a full-on immersive experience, this space-themed bit of retro goodness will keep you occupied. Moving the little moon in between orbital zones to keep it clear of the incoming projectiles gets harder and harder, making Orbt XL a game you can never “win…” but you will constantly be trying to one-up yourself (and your friends) in the pursuit of a higher and higher score. A test of guile and reflexes, this one is worth checking out if you consider yourself a true daredevil.

#5

Ubermosh Vol. 5

Walter Machado

A lurid rave party of dayglo splatter.

Ubermosh is a series that’s been rolling like thunder since 2015, and 2017’s Volume 5 is the best one yet. Brutal gameplay simplicity packaged in 90s-bright cyberpunk vividness and festooned with blood and blast-marks. Pure poetry. With a soundtrack every inch as brutal as the game itself and a fast pace of high-impact bloodshed, Ubermosh is as gruesomely wonderful as I am trying to make it sound. What’s even better? It’s dirt-cheap on Steam. Scoop it up.

#4

Crawl

Powerhoof

Eldritch as fuck. Best believe. 

It’s no secret that I love roguelikes, dungeon crawlers, or whatever you’d like to label them. They tend to be unforgiving and dark… hideously entertaining. Crawl is no exception. In fact, it’s kicked the bar up a few notches. It has a delightful Lovecraftian overtone, executed beautifully in unspeakable pixel art with a haunting 8 bit soundtrack to match. The coolest part is multiplayer; your friends control the very monsters assaulting your well-being and sanity in the depths of this ghastly dungeon. Only so much can be said. The unearthly delights of Crawl must be seen.

#3

Thimbleweed Park

Terrible Toybox

Yes, that is a clown getting electrocuted. It gets even better.

When you have a look at Thimbleweed Park, you will instantly be reminded of all those classic LucasArts story-games. In fact, it’s made by Ron Gilbert and Gary Winnick, the minds behind the classics Maniac Mansion and Monkey Island! It starts out as a murder mystery… but you’ll quickly find it to be much more than that, a journey into the supernatural, the absurd, and the unbelievable. Set in 1987, Thimbleweed Park tells a set of connected stories that require you to control 5 playable characters while navigating the narrative. Overflowing with brilliantly made puzzles and twists beyond Shyamalan’s wildest dreams, Thimbleweed Park has real staying power as a return to the adventure game format. It exceeds expectations.

#2

Null Vector

Optical Override

Soak it all in. This is as 80s as it gets.

Null Vector blasted off in August and blew a lot of retro gamers’ minds. It’s a roguelike, but it’s unlike any roguelike I’ve seen. Represented in absolutely delicious faux-3D early 80s arcade style, this hybrid has a tie to shoot-em-ups as well. Null Vector places you in control of a fully customizable ship for your journey through its neon world. There is a real difficulty to this one; it keeps you going at it through some really rewarding but challenging play. Two things I love the most about it: it’s still in early access so it’s only going to get better, and it’s currently FREE on Steam. Go get it and start blasting through your 80s dream in a whole new way.

#1

Cuphead

StudioMDHR Entertainment Inc.

It is heaven and hell in one beautiful package.

Oh my god, Cuphead. So much has already been said. This is the game that kicked the gaming world directly in the ass this year. Not only is Cuphead a visual masterpiece, but it is everything a retro-style game should be in terms of play. It’s got chops to go up against the most brutal run-and-gun classics; it’s Contra on steroids with a priceless coating of retro-cartoon glaze that multiplies its appeal. This is a hard game, but we like a challenge, don’t we? It is rare for a game to have this level of visual appeal AND be punishing in all the right ways. Cuphead has put StudioMDHR on the map, and it’s made me hope we see a lot from them in the future.

On the subject of the future… we have so much coming your way in 2018. Get ready! NewRetroWave and NRW Gaming will be bringing the fire… We’ve enjoyed bringing you the dream in 2017, and may we dream in even brighter neon colors in 2018. Happy Holidays, and we will see you next year!

Beat em ups.

I’ve said so much already. What more can I add? The style was super hot in the 16-bit era, and still weaves its way in and out of the limelight from time to time. The formula is classic, even timeless, to speak boldly… one or two protagonists (maybe more, if hardware permits), punching and kicking their way through hordes of baddies, occasionally facing down a lieutenant or three on their way to the Big Bad Guy(s). The format allows game designers to go way out into left field for enemy and level design, and that’s unfailingly where developers were at in the early and mid 90s.

Crude Buster, alternately titled Two Crude Dudes, fits that bill precisely; it is wild, colorful, and just-beyond-real. Released for arcades by Data East in 1991, the game is hailed by many as a classic entry into the beat em up family, and the game did so well in arcades that it was released in 1992 for the Mega Drive/Genesis. Players control one of two hulking mercenaries hired on by the government to take back a ruined New York from a group called “Big Valley,” who (literally) nuked the city and claimed the rubble as their own.

Now, I don’t know if “Big Valley” is one of those “lost in translation” things, but it isn’t a very heavy-sounding name for a terrorist organization full of tattooed punks and mutant bio-monsters. They make up for it in action, though. Your unreasonably buff nuclear warrior is first assailed by shirtless frisbee aficionados and what look like mustachioed elf men; things soon turn a bit more dire as you face the first boss – a brute rivaling you in swoleness, in face paint and KISS shoes, wielding snakes.

He wants to rock and roll all night, and murder everyday.

As you progress through the nuclear ruins of NYC, shit only gets more serious. The most annoying enemies early-on are the little hunchbacks who latch onto you and sap your vitality as they gnaw on you. However, it gets far worse as weirder and weirder mutants come crawling out of the rubble to make your Brian Bosworth-looking ass wish you never shook hands on that government contract.

Thankfully, your crude dudes are pretty monstrous themselves. They can easily lift set-pieces as big as junked cars, as well as most enemies they can grab. These make great projectiles to supplement your determined (if not terribly graceful) punching and kicking. If you get low on health, look for soda machines. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE, drinking some fizzy water loaded with coloring and corn syrup will save the day. These also usually show up in little vignettes between levels; the arcade version just puppets you through, while the Genesis port makes you whack the cans out of the machine yourself.

Just guzzle it down, big guy. Make all the pain go away.

The graphics in the arcade version really don’t suffer much in the crunching-down for the 16-bit Genesis port. They are on par for their time; things are a riot of color, and there’s a comic book level of detail to everything (not to mention the cool visual popup sound FX a la 1960s Batman). The sound is where some effort clearly went in; the arcade version features a lot of digitized FX and some good music. The Genesis port actually has better music with a more fitting pace to it, but it loses a lot of the digitized stuff out of sheer space efficiency.

All things considered, I’d give Crude Buster an 8/10. It’s challenging, fun, colorful, and definitely deserves mention in any conversation about the beat em up format in video gaming. Crude Buster is different enough to interest you, but it’s still a red-blooded beat em up hit through and through.

See you in August, you big goofs!

The arcade… dark, weird lighting. Gnarly carpeting. An omnipresent riot of sound and color as you walked in and wrapped yourself in the electronic arms of sweet, sweet diversion. For many of us RetroFans, it’s a golden, soft-glow set of memories we keep well-polished and stored within our minds’ more secure vaults. Some of us were around in the late 70s and early 80s, when titles like Space Invaders and Donkey Kong were waving the banner of arcade gaming’s golden age. More of us remember the era when arcades saw some shrinkage; my own formative exposure to the format was in the smaller realms tucked into the side areas of bowling alleys and the nooks of theme restaurants. The early 90s saw the Neo Geo and a host of other innovative releases, breathing some life into the old arcade room… but nonetheless, the sad truth is that the phenomenon has continued to deflate over time (except in Japan, where it’s kept vigorously alive).

I consider myself lucky to have been an awe-struck young man in my pre-pubescent years when the early 90s brought us a small revival of the arcade. My venues were still within the greater confines of bowling alleys and Chuck E Cheeses, but the games we were playing in those places made it feel like its own circus… its own arena. Everyone can think of a couple off the top of their heads, and while I’ve already had the honor of discussing the gems like Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter II, I hope a few of you will recall the games I’ll highlight in this article. Many are both bizarre and wonderful, like our first childhood crush or that recurring dream we had about MC Hammer growing to Godzilla size and destroying our hometown with his brutal dance moves (was that just me?), but it didn’t stop us from throwing quarters or tokens in to give them a shot.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Developer: Midway

Released: October 31, 1991

Everyone just about lost their shit when the Terminator sequel came out. At least that’s what I remember. It had a good-guy Terminator, an even worse bad guy Terminator, and more catastrophic violence than a train wreck giving birth to a nuclear detonation with no epidural. Even though it was way rated R, we all did what we had to do to see it, and whoa… it was nuts. It even sort of made Guns n Roses cool (who am I kidding, a lot of us misguidedly loved them anyway). On Halloween of ’91, we got to live the whole thing out in one of the better shooter-style arcade games of its time. The demo sequence claimed that the game was also rated R, for Righteous. No shit.

No need to label what specific type of weapons are in the crates. You’ll find out when you blast them open with all your gunpower. The enemy T-800 has gone so far as to ignore the hated humans behind it to focus on you, who are known as Machine Judas. SkyNet wept.

T2‘s difficulty was harsh, but it was still a blast to see how long you could last on the battlefields of 2029 against your loyalist robot kin and the massive death machines they served. Some of us even got really sharp and made it back to John Connor’s 1995… but I never did. Not even with 2 players. No matter what, the game’s graphics were super-crisp and it had a ton of really fun digitized voice clips in it. I for one couldn’t help but get into it.

Captain America and the Avengers

Developers: Data East, Realtime Associates

Released: 1991

This is one I dutifully played the absolute shit out of. I was huge into superheroes as a kid, both Marvel and DC (but a little more Marvel, and I’ve never been able to fully articulate why), and I was thrilled to see The Avengers when it first arrived at the smoky bowling alley my family frequented. They wanted to bowl? That’s fine, suckers are born every minute. I wanted to stop the fucking Red Skull.

Vision and Hawkeye stand fascinated as Mandarin shows them his special squat thrusts for keeping his glutes “mandariffic.” Captain America, always the histrionic one, shows off his vertical leap. Iron Man stares at nothing, thinking about his offshore accounts.

While the ports of the game got mixed reception, the arcade version itself is often praised as a classic beat ’em up. I liked it because four of us disinterested junior bowlers could play at a time, and I could play as Vision, whom I found fascinating as a superhero. The team plows through an army of generic robots and lesser villains to chase after the Red Skull, even making a foray into space and some other bizarre places in the Marvel Universe. Each character has melee and ranged options, and you can even hoist a motherfucker and throw him into another motherfucker. That was my go-to move. The graphics were great, fitting the comic book source material wonderfully; the sound and music was almost honest-to-god inspiring. “AMERICA STILL NEEDS YOUR HELP!” Well shit, I’d better pop some more tokens in.

WWF WrestleFest

Developer: Technos Japan

Released: 1991

“Jesus, dude, shut up about all these goddamned wrestling games!” No, though, because this one is incredible. You don’t even have to be a wrestling fan to get into it. Technos had released WWF Superstars in ’89, which did pretty well, and they took everything they learned from that in ’91 and produced an incredible mat-fighting arcade game.

Ultimate Warrior adds “slapped half-dead by a fat guy” to his resume, while Hogan and half of each featured tag team use Mr Perfect as a boat to cross an imaginary Potomac. Hogan, of course, is Washington!

The legendary Road Warriors/Legion of Doom are the “boss” characters in this one, replacing Andre the Giant and Ted DiBiase in Superstars. You can team up with a friend or go it alone in various match types, but it was easily the most fun to try for the tag team titles against Hawk and Animal (who were fucking impossible to beat unless you had a grocery bag full of change). Team-up moves, berserk tag-ins, and digitized announcing from Mike McGuirk and Gene Okerlund make this a bona fide classical-era WWF product. The graphics are a little goofy, but they’re good for the format; the action doesn’t suffer. While the actual “Sport” may be choreographed or pre-determined, WWF WrestleFest isn’t short on real entertainment.

Lethal Enforcers

Developer: Konami

Released: October 8th, 1992

This time period was also all about controversy. Lethal Enforcers didn’t become quite as notorious as games like Doom or Mortal Kombat, but it did cause quite a stir upon its release. Konami’s action-cop shooter game had photo-realistic graphics (for its time) and was somewhat intense. It didn’t matter to the self-appointed moral crusaders of the era if you were the good guy or not; they were pissed that you were shooting at an animation of an actor dressed as a stereotypical goon.

Aside form all that, the game is immersive and pulse pounding. Split second decisions must be made as you confront thugs with hostages, fleeing civilians, and lightning fast criminals. You can easily lose the game, in fact, if you’re not precisely accurate in order to avoid harming the innocent. There’s chase scenes, power-ups that give you guns the police definitely shouldn’t have, and even “training stages” that lighten things up while still maintaining the theme. Aside from the great visuals, the music kicks ass and Lethal Enforcers is another game that heavily incorporates digitized samples. I liked this one enough to get the Genesis version a couple years later, and it was pretty faithful to the source.

Virtua Fighter

Developer: Sega (Sega AM2)

Released: October 1993

You were wondering why I was studiously avoiding fighting games in this particular article… I was saving this one for last. With the dawn of Virtua Fighter, the whole playing field of the genre was changed. Virtua Fighter wasn’t just showing us 3D polygon-based graphics, which we still considered pretty far-out and futuristic; the revolutionary fighter was making an earnest (and effective) attempt at fluid realism in its characters’ moves and techniques.

The “Model 1” hardware rig used for the game was jointly developed by Sega and Lockheed Martin. Yes, Lockheed fucking Martin the aerospace firm. The people who have a knee-deep resume of building cutting edge military technology. This hardware not only handles the revolutionary 3D rendering, but also allows for stunningly realistic movement and nearly true-to-life physics. The game’s plot was minimal and loosely resembled those of its ancestors, but literally no one cared. The game has spawned a thriving franchise that has continued to break ground in its genre. I remember seeing this shit and thinking to myself, “it’s pretty cool to live in the future.”

Towards the middle of the decade, the phenomenon of the arcade took a sullen plunge once more, though it’s remained alive through the 00’s and 10’s (or at least its heart beats). Our friends in the far East keep things going, and there’s of course been a small resurgence here as the retro gaming movement has gotten wind under its wings.

Between the years that the market drank Atari, and the years of the rise of the sons of Sony… there was an age undreamed of.

Thank you for reading! See you in June! Stay Retro!