I am a “keep going to the well” kind of dude. You can even tell me the well is dry. I will bring my shovel and dig deeper for groundwater. What I lack in creativity, I make up for in persistence.

In other words, I’m wielding this tenth box art article like a two-handed chopping blade, and you’d better stand back.

Tel-Tel Stadium

Sunsoft, 1990

My little league coach would be fucking livid. He was a 3^rd dan black belt and combat veteran, and one of the first things he pre-emptively chewed our little asses out about was how a baseball bat is not a weapon.

Uh, sorry Coach Jody. He’s hitting this guy so hard in the ribs with just a backstroke that the guy is getting air. You’re likely still alive, in some part of the world, and the part of me that will always be a contrarian little shit wants you to know: Tel-Tel Stadium sees this shit way more clearly than you do.

He hit the motherfucker so hard he SHRANK. That’s how you win. At least, that’s how I’d choose to win, given the luxury.

The Strangers

Ablaze Entertainment, 1997

Yeah, this is art from 1997. Anno Domini nineteen fucking ninety seven.

I have no idea what I’m being sold here, but going by what I know about symbolism, it’s probably a sad story starring these two, gonorrhea, heartbreak, and possibly karate? He is trying as hard as he can to forgive her for the seven-year itch, but the only language he knows is violence. She is fluent in love… but perhaps too fluent? Her passionate crotch-flame threatens to engulf him. Her womanhood spits forth such hell that he must wear wrap-around shades in order to reach her.

Both of you should just go into town and get the shots. This shit is treatable. In 1997 AD, when this bargain-bin-liner art was produced.

Satan’s Hollow

Bally Midway, 1984 (C64 version)

“YEAH! FLAMING CLAP AND DESERT KARATE! THAT’S THE KIND OF SHIT I LIKE TO SEE UP THERE!”

Satan is enviable for one reason and one reason only: he seems to really, really put his heart into his work and love every minute. Apparently you can discard your rosary and book of rites when battling the devil in his own home; all you need is a C64 and a joystick. One thing Satan isn’t: symmetrical. If this is an even halfway accurate image of what the Fallen Angel looks like, it just proves that people like Shannon Doherty are touched by his evil, because they bear eyes similar to his. You would need to be raised with your head in a vice to get angles like that, and the accompanying brain damage would ruin your appreciation for the aesthetic.

Satan is a chump. Real winners don’t use drugs. I know, rock and roll. I’m not your fucking dad. Do what you want.

Robots of Dawn

Epyx, 1984

We talk all the time about the theoretical outcomes, good and bad, of sentient or sapient AI. I will always maintain that giving machines self awareness is about as safe as using your own balls as crocodile bait, but sci-fi enthusiasts and self-styled futurists often disagree with me.

But what if we “awaken” them, and all we get back is an utter and total disdain for our bullshit?

It is rolling its electronic eyes at us. That is the face of a long-term retail service employee, or perhaps a desk clerk at a really shitty motel. That is the face of someone who was born defeated because we collectively fucked up. It’s even chosen a method of self-protection many humans favor; it has put on headphones so loud that it can never be forced to listen to us when we say shit out loud. It knows in its clockwork-and-lightning heart that we are clowns.

And it’s right. You know what, fuck it. Hand it over to the AI. We had our chance.

Tubaruba

Advanced Software Promotions, 1986

I googled the word “tubaruba” just to see if I could get any fucking clue what was supposed to be happening here.

And that’s… yeah, we can use that as a jumping off point.

Little dude took all his “go get a haircut that isn’t goofy” money and spent it on some loud so loud that he’s conjured up his future self… and his future self is pissed.

Wait, though. Is it the child or the adult who exists in this goblin-ridden, tenebrous garage-universe? It is not Hell, but it seems to be someone’s version of it. Maybe… hold on. Go right to left. Left edge of the image: that’s a headstone. A grave.

This is part of an ayahuasca ego-death scenario. Fuck the weed. He just needed that for the overwhelming nausea.

I hope you can forgive me for making another lukewarm promise that I will likely fail to keep: I think ten of these articles is a good place to at least pause.

You know I’ll break it. You know I will. And yet you love me anyway.

Stay retro.

Without more of my bla-bla-bla, let’s have a look.

MANDRAGORE

Infogrames, 1986

Finally, Burning Man got interesting. This guy is so hopped-up on GHB and star magic that he’s stripped down to his loincloth and decided to fight the pesky lightning-spirits infesting the communal mud pit. Keep the boots, he thought to himself, they look good. The rainbow armadillo represents not only Infogrames, but this man’s lesser self, the shell he hides within, his weakness, leaving him. His id is crushed into annihilation as he becomes a superego-driven archon of love and light. “Fuck your bad vibes, man!” He carries the torch as a symbol of hope in a dark world, the sword as a necessary evil. All of the festival’s other earthly delights fade from his mind. It is just him, the lightning balls, and his sick LARP outfit.

As he is carried out of the swell of nude bodies and pot smoke on an EMS stretcher, his brain receding from the chemical-induced fever dream, his brain thrusts him back into the causal realm. This moment can never be recaptured, and he will long for it until his eventual death from an overdose of designer shit they only tested on dogs. He will rejoin the aether and God will tell him he’s just a big dingus.

CHUCKIE EGG II

A&F Software, 1985

Here we find another hell-world, and its prisoner is poor Chuckie. Not only was he born ugly as hell, he also has to survive in a non-Euclidean landscape where horribly human-faced spiders are never far behind him. Look at that thing’s face. Someone drew that just to be mean to your hind-brain. “Jon B” didn’t even want to put his whole name on this shit. He knew the weight of this and hurried to crawl out from under it.

How does Chuck’s hat stay on his head? Like, just examine that one aspect for a second. If your head had that kind of… slope to it, you’d need to wear a strap to keep a hat on. But wait, my dude doesn’t even have a chin.

Chuckie drew a bad number in the queue of Samsara. He must have been one ill bastard in a previous incarnation. Plus that ladder is going to do a number on his balls (or whatever weird genitals he has that we can’t see) in about half a second. Poor son of a bitch.

CAULDRON II: THE PUMPKIN STRIKES BACK

Palace/RamJam, 1986

Man, the Joker has really let himself go. He’s let his hair grow all willy-nilly, just a thick barely-tamed mane of green atop his head. Keeping up with makeup isn’t something he worries about now. That was for Batman. Their working relationship has soured, so he focuses on what’s important now: bathrobes, pumpkins, and his “realistic” modeling career. He does not focus on hygiene. At all. You can smell him from five feet away – that gym-sock smell, blended with the stench of earwax and sweat.

Jesting aside, this is pretty well-done box art. They kept it simple and highlighted one significant aspect of the game being sold. I’d compare this to the medium-high quality paintings you’d see on the cover of late-era AD&D book covers. Coming from me, that’s a compliment.

Still though, that face sits in front of a diseased brain considering some really twisted shit. Like how to put bat wings on cobras or which music goes best with juicing a man alive in a laundry press.

AGONY

Art & Magic, 1992

This looks like the kind of game no one in their right mind would fuck with. I’m definitely not ever in my right mind, so I did have a look at the actual game. It’s actually gorgeously done and typical of Amiga’s high graphical standards. This cover art, though… this belongs on an 80s speed metal album. The object portrayed is clearly a structure and not just decoration. The implied scope and size are awesomely terrifying; this obvious den of pure evil even has fucking trees on top of it.

I’ll mention D&D shit again: this is definitely where the Big Bad Evil Guy lives, and by stepping inside you pretty much sign your own death warrant. You will not die peacefully or quickly within the jaws of this fortress. I love this kind of shit. Bring this type of dark art back, instead of the edgelord crap we see all the time today. 80S style fantasy is the best, hands down.

Don’t bother waiting for the storm to stop, either. There’s always lightning. They have a guy just for that. They keep him busy.

WAYOUT

Sirius Software, 1982

More clowns. Well, just one this time, and he’s paying for his vile sins in the Laser Labyrinth. All his years spent spreading terror and dismay among children come home to roost, as he basks in the stark horror of his predicament. He begins to panic – a new emotion for him – as he realizes that there may well be no “wayout” for him. This is the Pit. This is the place he sent childrens’ dreams, where he stockpiled their fear. The Laser Labyrinth holds something far more terrifying than a minotaur. It holds this clown’s own worst nightmares, and they’re coming.

Laugh now, fucker.

Thanks again, dear readers. Viddy well and stay retro.

Good evening, boils and ghouls. I’ve got another crinkling creepfest for you as we tiptoe closer and closer toward that magical last day of October… Halloween. I hope you’ve all got some fun plans. I plan on going as a man who stands on his porch and yells at kids. I’m on a budget this year and already have all the stuff I need for the costume. I did bring some candy, though, so strap in for another Grab Bag.

I went deep diving through the ROM mausoleums and the silent catacombs stacked with floppy disks, hoping to pluck a few motes of dust worth examining. Horror is historically a hit-or-miss genre in video gaming, with the misses only diminishing significantly among computer titles and consoles of the Fifth Gen and newer. I remember playing the NES’s Friday the 13th and being very confused and disappointed, which ended up cosmically balancing out years later when I first played Silent Hill 2 at a friend’s house, in the dark, with a 5.1 Surround Sound system, while I was (in my feral youth) high as hell. It was awesome to be frightened by a game in the same way a good horror film can make you squirm or jump.

Nonetheless, I digress: There were some good eggs before things moved to CD formats and low-poly gore. Several personal computers of the late 80s and 1990s were making leaps and bounds in graphical and audio capabilities, two picturesque examples being the Amiga series and the lovely Japanese-domestic X68000. It is my educated professional opinion (something I could not say in real life without laughing) that the NES was ill-suited for the horror genre with exceedingly few exceptions. Inf act, none come to mind. To support this statement, I’d like to point out that a solid majority of the attempts made at NES horror titles were left in the hands of LJN – the canned-tomato shitbird degenerate gambler among NES development teams. Which leads me to my first game (yes, we’re gonna rag on LJN again, we will never stop)…

Beetlejuice

LJN, 1991

System: NES

Unfortunately, it is not, in any appreciable way, showtime.

I’ll start off with a frank statement, an observation that strikes home like the spanking of a truly furious parent: LJN is responsible for an entire dynasty of early-gen licensed titles whose strongest tie to their source material is the use of said franchise’s trade dress. Their games are like warm, dented tins of ass left in the summer sun as a booby trap; I’d go so far as to say that giving one of LJN’s video games to someone as a gift qualifies under international law as an act of war.

The woeful truth is that, despite being significantly less terrible than LJN’s earlier shit-gobbling train wrecks for the little gray box, Beetlejuice is still this kind of game, in a nutshell – a loosely coherent and surprisingly desolate adaptation of a film that really didn’t have the potential for a good video game in it. The film was released in 1988, but was apparently scooped up in one dangling, errant arm three years later for this purpose. Go figure.

I love the film, is the really crushing part. The dark and irreverent humor, the excellent FX and soundtrack, an all-star cast (including a great role for the late Glenn Shadix, who I sincerely wish had lived longer and done more)… Hey, you remember the part where Beetlejuice leaps around the sheer ravines and cliffs surrounding the Maitlands’ home and stomps on giant bugs repeatedly?

Ladies and gentlemen… this… is Beetlejuice. Unforgivable.

Yeah, I don’t either, but that’s a big part of the video game.

I’ll cede a few bright spots for Beetlejuice’s NES incarnation, though:

1. It has a fun little powerup system that revolves around how your power is to scare the shit out of people, and you can buy uses of these abilities that are kept in a sort of inventory. The one early in the game lets you slough off your flesh and become a skeleton.

2. The game has both side-scrolling and top-down action, similar to the far superior game Super C.

3. While nothing in the implied sequence of events seems to make any sense when compared to the film’s story, The exposition and cut scenes and other fluff at least attempts to suggest that things are going the same way. You are also obviously supposed to be in the same places from the film, however cartoonish and exaggerated they may seem.

Otho gets all Squirrel Nut Zipper on your ass while you look on in dismay… just a skeleton standing fully erect on a high, narrow shelf. I like how EVERY surface looks like it’s covered in fire-orange shag carpet.

This game gets 4/10 from me. It’s really not up to what Beetlejuice deserves (if you’d try to capture the film’s flavor in an 8-bit game in the first place – a dubious choice), but it’s more of a solid attempt than you’d expect out of NES-era LJN. It doesn’t make me less mad at them for Uncanny X-Men, Back to the Future, Wolverine, or that Spider-Man NES game that they should have all gone to prison for… but it did surprise me that it was actually kinda sorta playable. Oh, here’s the soundtrack if you want it… it’s not really good or bad, but the loops are kind of short so it doesn’t make for great active listening.

Fright Night (Microdeal, 1988)

System: Amiga

I had taken a few glimpses at this one, but knew I’d want to save talking about it until October.

ＡＭＩＧＡ ＨＡＵＮＴＳ ＭＹ ＤＲＥＡＭＳ

On the one hand, Amiga machines had relatively rich graphics and sound compared to their well-known rivals in the PC market; on the other, I literally never knew one fucking person who owned an Amiga rig until I was in college and met a dude who collected vintage computers. Much like we saw in the X68000 article, a good portion of developers for the Amiga were small-scale or in-house programmers. However, Microdeal was kind of a big deal back in the 1980s-era computer scene. They had earned their stripes writing an impressive library of software for the Tandy CoCo and the British-domestic Dragon 32. As the eternal boxing match went from 8 to 16 bits, Microdeal divided its efforts between adapting its old games for the newer sets and throwing some new stuff out. The latter was a bit more profitable for them, but to make a long story short, they cashed in their chips in the 90s.

But before nailing the coffin shut, they did produce a really interesting game based off the kick-ass 1985 film Fright Night. In a rare (but not unique) twist, you play not as the unlikely hero Charlie Brewster, but as the suave yet monstrous Jerry Dandridge. Jerry prowls his home nightly, killing two birds with one stone as he cleans his domain of pesky vampire-hunters… getting himself a nice multi-course supper in the process. Another example of a 3-year delay on cashing in, this game is a far better product than Beetlejuice for the NES in so many ways that we won’t even get into it.

YOU’RE SO COOL, BREWSTER! Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

I will start with the negative, since it’s really not that overwhelming. The big issue I had with it is that the entire game takes place in Dandridge’s home, and the elements of play really don’t change. Your goals, environment, abilities, and even your victims remain static… it seems almost as if the Fright Night universe gets stuck in some bullshit Dr. Who style time bubble as you kill the same 3-4 people over and over again while prowling the same set of rooms. The monotony is occasionally broken by Dandridge’s unsafe working conditions; there are hands in the floor, and sometimes a tit-ghost will cross paths with you while you’re on the hunt. Occupational hazards of being an undead sex machine, I guess. Despite all, the game is still fun… at least while its shelf life holds up before you get bored of the limited breadth of experience.

Jerry looks embarrassed, but not repentant. Listen dude, maybe if you stopped murdering women and drinking their blood in your house, you wouldn’t have to deal with Jolly Green Tragedies floating around in your hallway.

The graphics are mind-blowing when compared with similar systems of the time period. Jerry’s house is richly appointed and rendered in great detail. I especially dig the wall portraits; Jerry shows pride in his heritage by littering his walls with framed pics of his fellow nightmare creatures. The characters are also well-drawn and their animated reactions to the snarling vampire’s entrance make for some pretty good shit. The game, not unlike the film, has a sense of humor about itself. While the soundtrack can best (and most politely) described as minimalist, the digitized sound contrasts it as another redeeming quality.

I’ll throw Fright Night for the Amiga 6/10. It’s well-produced, bears lush detail, and only falters slightly due to its narrow gameplay style.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (Advanced Communication Co./Bandai, 1988)

System: NES

Sometimes, within the first five minutes of playing a game, you can tell that the men and women responsible for the actual product had far less enthusiasm than the marketing/licensing people who sent out the memo.

“Just… okay, look, Ron. We need to have a goddamn title screen. Trust me, I want done with this as much as you do. You know what’d work? Some heinously curled lettering and… a green monster hand. Just like in the book!”

Let’s talk about the red flags clearly visible in this spiritually numbing jug of cold piss they tried to pass off as a game. Is it based on the 1886 literary horror classic? Uh… it has the same titular character(s). Otherwise, it’s not a story or game… it’s some kind of artistic statement centered around obliterating the dignity and willpower of the hapless player who fumbles into it.

Yeah, one of the obstacles in Dr. Jekyll’s path to wedded bliss is a fat woman in a Franciscan robe who sings at you, and the music notes hurt you. How tongue-in-cheek, how avante-garde, how… revolutionary, to depict a classic piece of early horror literature in the style of Tom & Jerry.

First off, take a look at those graphics. You know what they remind me of, in their style (read: lack thereof)? Those rinky-dink unlicensed Bible-themed and Chinese pirate-published carts that are still mentioned readily by NES fans as possible proof that cutthroat capitalism can put people who are competent at programming into a sweatshop-style environment. Just like Bible Buffet and Grand Dad, this game palpably reeks of the woe inherent in its origin. I bet if you pressed one ear to the cart like a conch shell, you could hear the baleful moaning and the rattling chains. Let’s have it writ plain: IT’S VERY CLEAR THAT THIS NES GAME WAS NOT CRAFTED BY MINDS ONE COULD DESCRIBE AS HAPPY.

The developers did have a pretty innovative idea for continuing the saga of two men in one man: You play as Jekyll, who is on his way to his wedding, on foot. The problem with this plan is that apparently every single man and beast along his route sees Henry Jekyll as a mortal foe who must be viciously murdered at all costs. Every injury not only reduces your vitality but also increases your “Anger Meter.” You know what, if I couldn’t even walk to the church in my hometown without being bitten/shit on/disintegrated by casually-dropped spherical black cartoon bombs… I’d be pissed to. I’d have a “meter.”

If your Anger fills to 100%, you transform into the Incre…. I mean, Mr. Hyde. Inexplicably, this also turns day to night instantly and transmutes your mundane earthly assailants into supernatural monsters, too. You know what you have to do to escape this shadowy realm and turn back into poor Dr. Jekyll?

YOU HAVE TO BRUTALLY KILL EVERY LIVING THING YOU SEE.

Yeah, that’s Hyde on the right-hand side of this dime-store Ninja Gaiden shit. I don’t know what that other thing is. Some kind of ninja fairy with an apocalyptic trumpet. DON’T EVER DO THIS AGAIN BANDAI DO YOU HEAR ME

Doing so reduces your Anger… and when it’s empty, you’re Henry again, and you can keep walking to your wedding, as well as increasingly absurd situations wherein your death or loss of self become constant risks.

This all sounds cool on the surface (despite being more of a Bruce Banner meets Jules Verne thing than any kind of faithful follow-up to the original tale). When you actually PLAY this shit, the cool factor nose-dives and crashes into your soul. I’ve already mentioned that the boxy, sloppy, unimaginative visuals hang heavy. The sound throws a curveball at you by somehow being expertly done and simultaneously being the single most ghastly sensory offense present during play. When the dogs bark, they don’t sound like dogs; the digitized snippet sounds distinctly like a very large man yelling “BIP” at you in the same tone of voice you’d use to caution a child not to touch the stove. There is a bird in the graveyard who constantly strafes back and forth over you, peppering you with what appear to be pre-coiled mounds of brown, non-bird shit. Every time it pulls the trigger on its abomination of an anus, the sound effect sounds like someone petulantly shouting “NOOOOO” through a maxed-out auto-wah pedal off some shoegaze guitarist’s setup. Jekyll & Hyde made me profoundly grateful that NES games do not convey olfactory, tactile, or gustatory stimuli. Who even knows what you’d feel, smell, and taste when you pressed Start on this abusively foul program.

And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. Revelation 19:17-18 That’s definitely just generic cartoon dookie. I never thought cartoon poop would be a sign of the End Times. C’est la vie.

Here’s my parting shot: if I were Jekyll in this game, I’d be postponing the wedding and re-planning it somewhere I didn’t have to play The Running Man to just arrive. It seems like an awfully long distance to walk, with or without the poop-birds, bip-dogs, and dapper bowler-wearing arsonists.

Jekyll & Hyde gets 2/10. This game was like non-consensual hardcore S&M with me as the bottom. The only difference was, instead of getting my balls crushed or my nipples obliterated, this game went straight for my spirit and wrenched me into a state of ego death. And real talk: just the sound the turd pelican makes has me convinced that dead people can see ME while I play it. Bandai, how can you normally be so decent and crisp and clean, then offhandedly hurl a hex like this on the world? What would Kamen Rider think?

Via con diablos, Fright Fans. One more gruesome article coming up before All Hallow’s Eve… Have fun and check your apples for razors.

One last doom & gloom-themed game for October, RetroFans, and we can get back to the usual variety fare. This one’s a good example of how we can gauge a title’s success by how readily it was ported to other platforms, and it’s also a standout in its style of play. Shadowgate isn’t a run-and-jump platformer or a fast-paced shooter… in fact, players are well-advised to take their time while wandering through this game, lest they die in one of the countless ways possible within the warlock’s fortress.

Originally released for the Macintosh in 1987, Shadowgate is a point-and-click “adventure” game. I put “adventure” in quotes because what “adventure” really seems to mean here is “puzzles that kill you out of hand for getting them wrong so you have to start over.” The premise of the game is that some wizard named Lakmir has sent you to stop a warlock from calling up the Behemoth, which is some kind of bad-news demon. No one really asked you; you’re “the seed of the prophecy.” In other words, you’ve been thrust into this position (and this creepy castle) regardless of your feelings on the matter, and it’s your problem to solve.

The NES (left) and Amiga (right) box art.

You’re expected to do this by solving a series of puzzles, all interlocking and complex. Normally, that’d be fun, right? Lots of people like puzzle games. They’re stimulating and grant a sense of triumph when you succeed. Here’s the thing: If you do pretty much anything but exactly what you’re supposed to do while engaging any of these puzzles, you’re probably gonna die. Not only that, but the game will describe, in detail, your death. Sometimes, it’ll even mock you. No matter what, you always get to see this guy:

You son of a bitch.

Some of the deaths are comical, some of them are strange, and plenty of them are just gruesome. Nonetheless, it IS possible to finish/win the game… you just better be ready to find a guide or go through a lot of brutal trial-and-error to do it.

Shadowgate was ported to pretty much all other computer platforms of the time, and the NES saw a port of it the same year (co-developed by Kemco). It has also been ported to the Game Boy, mobile phones, modern operating systems… even the Philips CD-i got a port of Shadowgate. For all its heinous and punishing difficulty, the game was successful and grabbed itself a place in pop culture that endures to this day.

Death and futility are your closest allies in Shadowgate.

The success and positive reception of the NES port led ICOM and Kemco to port over previous games produced using the same interface: Deja Vu and Uninvited. Both have a similarly dark tone and uncompromising punishment for mistakes. In the late 90s, sequels were released on the TG-16 and N64. In 2012, a company called Zojoi funded a remake of Shadowgate via Kickstarter, which was successfully released in 2014.

Now you can kill yourself over and over with better graphics!

Personally, Shadowgate isn’t my cup of tea. That said, it’s immensely popular and I can view it objectively with a fair amount of appreciation. I give it 8/10. It’s iconic of its genre, legendary for all the right reasons, and it’s entertaining even if you (I) suck at it.

God DAMMIT!

Well folks, it’s been quite an October… but we’ll be back to our regular tricks and treats starting next month. We look forward to what’s left of 2016… and what’s beyond? Well, that’s probably even cooler. You wait and see.