In other words, this is the eleventh article wherein I will examine and interpret the bizarre illustrations used to sell video games in the 80s and 90s. Both Metallica and Harry Nilsson have screamed for you to jump in the fire, and now I’m screaming too.

Blaze Out

Data East/Konami, 1989

(early shovelware)

This is just egregious.

“You guys see that?” Rambo muttered bemusedly, staring into the distance. “Someone’s really about to buy this for their C64.”

Sgt. Elias was able to make eye contact for only a moment, clearly occupied with death throes that would never be explained beyond the narrative they’d been torn from in order to deposit his corpse here. The life faded from his eyes.

“THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS INADVISABLE,” said RoboCop, his voice’s metallic tone cutting clearly through the din of approaching horses. “THEY MUST BE UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT THIS IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN FRAGMENTED BULLSHIT THAT WILL TOTALLY DISAPPOINT THEM.”

Rambo sneered in numb disgust. “Get used to disappointment, RoboCop. Look where we are. Relegated to the bargain bin. Uncle Sam’s toy soldiers, forgotten and thrown away… at discount prices.”

Elias gurgled as he finally gave up the ghost. Strains of Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” mingled with notes of Goldsmith and Poledouris. The posse on horseback continued to clamor forward, never truly gaining ground. John Rambo was right. This would never resolve itself. It did not exist.

Solstice: Quest for the Staff of Demnos

Acclaim, 1990

Here we have game art that ticks off two check boxes: First, unforgivable false hype (Solstice is a goddamn puzzle game). Second, art that is so representative of what its year of origin was about that it could be used as an example for academic purposes. This is so 1990 that I can smell the PVC and hairspray.

“BODY GLOVE SPONSORED ME! I EVEN BROUGHT MY BONG, SEE? COME ON, THE REST OF THIS SHIT IS DRY CLEAN ONLY! HOW DARE YOU CLAIM THAT I AM NOT TUBULAR ENOUGH TO ENTER THE FORTRESS OF GNARLINESS?” Neon Gandalf needs to chill out. All that Deca-Durabolin has really started to give him some un-radical roid rage, despite how ripped he is for a wizard. Imagine wearing a full purple cloak but not a shirt. He doesn’t have to imagine it. He’s living it, pal.

Neon Gandalf would actually be a pretty badass name for a stoner metal/80s New Wave revival mashup act that would doubtless fail to live up to my expectations.

immediately opens eBay in a new tab and searches “vintage keytar” and “wizard cape”

Adventure Island II

Now Production/Hudson Soft, 1991

I picked this one based entirely on the premise that a rhinoceros has T-Rex teeth on it. Master Higgins looks so scared! He’s so fucked up over it that he can’t even stay in one lane on his pterodactyl. Which by the way, seems to be the only creature not busy leering hatefully at either Higgins or the person viewing the image. At least this is fairly accurate to the content; this series of games is pretty unforgiving (but fun).

There’s all that photoshopped art on the internet with horses that have carnivore teeth. Why not a rhino? And yeah, give him Satan eyes, too. I not only can live with that, I endorse it.

Another BurgerTime Cover

Interceptor Software/Data East, 1982

Peter Pepper doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He’s been doing this for so long now that he’s just on auto pilot. The milkshake is a new thing; he knows it pisses them off, and he’s glad. This isn’t what he wanted his life to be like. He imagined his life as a restaurateur would be a very different thing by now, and he’s deeply resentful of this situation – no, this nightmare, but he’s just so jaded now that he’s consuming his own inventory and daring fate to consume him in turn.

Maybe it already has. From the look in his eyes, BurgerTime has eaten him, and he knows it. He just doesn’t feel the teeth yet. Perhaps the worst part is that he never will.

Damn good milkshake though.

Monster in my Pocket

Konami, 1992

If you needed one more reason not to wear blue jeans, here it is. Not only is it a questionable fashion choice for most men and very prone to fading, denim comes with the inherent risk that tiny skeletons, goblins, and werewolves could erupt from your ass violently and without warning. They don’t even look happy to be free. Look at that goblin’s face. You think he likes being trapped in your ass? You think he’s into that?

Skeleton Dude was into it, but we all know Skeleton Dude is into pretty much whatever. That guy doesn’t just live on the wild side, he is the wild side. It’s easy to cut loose when you have no skin.

I hope this latest misadventure into the box art vaults has left you more amused than injured… though I claim no liability for the latter, dear readers. Stay Retro!

I’m also going to try out a new rating system, a little more in-depth than my usual screed of just rating a game using one lazy star-rating. I will rate individual aspects on their own, and then use these to evaluate the overall picture of the game.

Phantom Fighter

Marionette/Ponycanyon (FCI)

1988 (1990 US)

When I say that they should have just called this game Straight-Up Just Kicking Ghosts in the Fucking Face, I don’t mean to cheapen or degrade it. The activity mentioned in my suggested title is what you end up spending 90% of your time doing, but it actually totally rules. Various reviews before mine have consistently given Phantom Fighter slightly above-average ratings overall, and I’d have to concur with the prevailing opinion here.

This is the game in one image. It’s not even a bad game, though! It’s just… I mean, this is it. This is what you came to town for. You’re doing this. A lot of this.

Apparently based off a 1985 film called Reigen Dōshi in Japan and Mr. Vampire in English, Phantom Fighter places you in the role of a kung fu master who has the special gift of placing his foot right into ghosts and making their trick asses regret being ghosts in the first place. Several villages nearby have been having problems with “kyonshi” (which I think is just a Japanese-ized rendition of the Chinese word “jiangshi,” a type of undead creature commonly described as a hopping vampire) and have petitioned you for help. Since you are a man of virtue and can kick the unliving shit out of undead monsters, the adventure begins.

I gradually cleared out the first village and people kept giving me scrolls. I wasn’t entirely sure what they were for until later I used several of them to learn things called “High Jump” and “Wolf Move.” Apparently, you expand your repertoire of sick techniques by studying with a master, and the scrolls are currency. I also had to collect some “jades” that unlock a seal so I could kick something else’s ass (a boss ghost who left Alucard-style movement trails behind him).

He thinks he’s got tricks. His actual trick is hitting really fucking hard despite moving in slow motion. 

There’s not a ton of variance in the enemy except for how powerful they are, but fighting the kyonshi is fun once you get the timing and spacing down. It’s nice that the items and upgrades don’t overwhelm the game, but I wish things progressed faster on that end… the sprawl seems a little unrewarding, especially early on when you could struggle a bit.

Gameplay 7/10 (it’s fun to beat the shit out of Wuxia vampires)

Audio 8/10 (pretty good OST, especially the combat music)

Graphics 6/10 (good for NES type stuff)

Theme 8/10 (I’m a sucker for the M.A./horror blend)

Big Picture: 7/10 (A bit underrated!)

The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants

Imagineering/Arc Developments/Acclaim

1991

This is a polarizing title in the NES library. A lot of players love it because it’s 1) the first Simpsons video game 2) brutally “challenging.” Another camp despises it because it’s 1) banked completely on its licensing 2) fucking stupid hard, not to mention boring.

I played it for about 20 minutes and fell into the second category.

Bart has all the maneuverability of an overripe fruit someone dropped on a hot day. He lopes and bumbles through a perpetually overactive environment as he tries to turn purple objects red. Purple objects are apparently one crucial ingredient necessary for the space mutants (the only well-rendered things in the game) need for some kind of devastating weapon.

Well-drawn, but yeah, they’re doing this. I mean, I know The Simpsons is goofy and silly. But this is the nadir, I think.

You can get on a skateboard, which helps you get hurt more and faster. You also pick up various implements that I guess are supposed to help you, but really don’t unless they are oriented toward a specific puzzle solution. Toy stores and tool stores sell them to you, and you buy them using mystery money that just tumbles out of random shit. You’re able to stand on things that make no sense and can’t stand on surfaces that make perfect sense. This game is an affront to the platform genre, AND I HOPE YOU LIKE THE SIMPSONS THEME BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PLAYS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AN 8 BIT VERSION OF THE SIMPSONS THEME.

I’m standing on a non-surface, the point where a surface terminates and becomes a nearly sheer vertical edge. Non-Euclidean geometry? Demoniac defiance of physics? Both equally likely.

I am unashamed to admit that I did not finish the first level. I’m sure if I asked the Pope he’d give me an indulgence on that one. No sane or virtuous human being would willingly smash themselves into this hellmouth more than once.

Gameplay 2/10 (Bart needs to go see a middle ear doctor or be evaluated for head trauma)

Audio 1/10 (fuck you)

Graphics 5/10 (it has moments, and I can’t fault it on authenticity either)

Theme 4/10 (eh, I think they just knew we’d buy a Simpsons game)

Big Picture: 2/10 (Skip it. If you’re into it, we’ll have to agree to disagree, and also agree that I worry about your well-being.)

Holy Diver

Irem Corp.

1989

Let me jump right on the tiger, to quote the Man Himself… the Wikipedia article claims there is no relationship between this game and the Ronnie James Dio album.

Nah, bruh… I’m sorry… that’s motherfucking DIO.

Here’s my interpretation of this awesome (and sadly non-export) platform game: You play as Ronnie James Dio, champion of humanity and righteous heavy metal. You murder every evil thing you find with outrageous magic and basically nothing can stop you. That’s all the story I need, man. I am an unironic and unashamed fan of all things Dio. Plug me in. It’s time to rock.

“Between the velvet lies / there’s a truth that’s hard as steel / the vision never dies / life’s a neverending wheel”

This game is actually pretty good. It’s a solid blaster-platformer, with a reasonable difficulty curve and a good sense of accomplishment. As you utterly destroy more and more of the wicked demonic creatures, you find power-ups and new spells that make you even more undeniably rad. I was throwing several different kinds of magic into the face of evil and changing forms by the time I needed to stop and write this article.

A lot of the imagery makes it completely clear that this game is directly inspired by Dio and Dio-era Sabbath. I mean, stylized crosses with skulls that look like they could come right off of an early-80s Sabbath album cover? Come on. In other ways, the game reminds me visually of another Japanese game, Getsu Fuuma Den, except more crisp and polished. If I could say anything negative about this game, it’s that I wish it had a little more variety and depth when it came to the magic and power Dio could wield against the forces of evil. He is, after all, master of the fucking moon. The audio is also a bit below standard for a game where you play as Dio.

It’s the sign of the southern cross / Fade away, fade away / Break the crystal ball / Fade away, fade away / I can’t accept it anymore

And you are playing as Dio. We’re not gonna screw around on that point. That is exactly what is up in this game.

Gameplay 7/10 (it’s not absolutely perfect but it’s a lot of fun)

Audio 5/10 (sadly, this part does not rock like Dio, but I can live with it, it’s not awful)

Graphics 8/10 (heavy metal!!!)

Theme 10/10 (RONNIE JAMES DIO IS DESTROYING DEMONS WITH WIZARD POWERS.)

Big Picture: 8/10 (I want to send away for a FC cart of this, shadowbox-frame it, and put it on my wall. It is a fucking cool piece of retro VG history.)

Thanks for reading, and I’ll fill another suspicious paper bag with games real soon!

“You are the strongest chain / and you’re not just some reflection / so never hide again”

The 1990 film Total Recall is typical of that era’s box office hits in several ways: lots and lots of dollars were poured into it; it featured guns, tits, and gross stuff prominently; Ronny Cox played a bad guy we were ready to hate; and the protagonist was played by none other than the beloved Arnold himself. Based off a Philip K. Dick story, the plot centers around a man in 2084 who discovers his memories may be fake, and that his strange dreams my be his real memories. He quickly finds out that certain parties have a strong vested interest in him staying oblivious… permanently, if need be.

A lot of reviewers out there like to squat down over the NES adaptation of Total Recall and push as hard as they can. I try not to cave in to destructive impulses, and I also try to maintain an independent view on a lot of these titles… but they’re somewhat justified in this case. Interplay… well, Interplay made a video game. They produced a piece of programming that we can loosely label as a video game, and Acclaim released it. We’ll examine things from there and see where we end up.

The game starts rather abruptly, as you find yourself on the city streets with people immediately shooting at you from moving cars. As you tun forward, you’ve got men popping up out of trash cans to shoot at you and little men who look like someone glued a crepe beard on a child pulling you into rat-infested alleyways. It’s all very cartoonish. To be fair, I don’t feel terribly immersed in the Total Recall vibe. Because there isn’t one.

This is some Tom & Jerry shit right here. 

Remember in the movie when Quaid’s fellow construction workers attack him and he just fucking DESTROYS them with these out-of-nowhere Spetznatz combat skills? Well, good news: in the NES game, his punch carries the force of a wet paper bag. You eventually make it past more Looney Tunes shit and into your apartment, where Sharon Stone also takes fifty punches/bullets to lay out. THE PLOT THICKENS…

Quaid looks understandably incredulous. It may be because someone who looks like him is asking him to wrap a towel around his head. It may also be some fourth-wall shit. “Are you seeing this?”

There are attempts throughout to signal really hard that his game is based off the movie, but they all come off as really heavy-handed, especially since the bulk of the game is utter nonsense. The labyrinthine cement factory contains nearly invulnerable 3 foot tall hobos and disappointing platformer tropes, and the awful music restarts on every new screen. Things get a little cooler on Mars, where you get a little Micro Machines style car stage mixed in, but even that’s unwieldy and seems like just another afterthought.

WHEEEEEE!!!

The controls, coupled with Quaid’s Barney Rubble clumsiness, are just plain sub-par. Considering you are constantly in imminent danger requiring quick action to avoid, you’d better just be ready to take punishment. You certainly won’t be dodging a great deal of it. Apparently in 2084 they have also rendered even the shittiest excuses for humanity into berserk fighting machines who feel no pain, because you have to punch the shit out of even child-sized foes to get them to relent. Even sinking bullet after bullet into your fake wife’s gut after she drops her gun doesn’t seem to faze her overmuch.

I like how the couch and chair just look like they were one piece of something and then they were cut like a birthday cake.

The sound and music will drive you crazy unless you’re good at just zoning that kind of thing out. The soundtrack goes right along with the action: some kind of cartoon they show in Hell. The graphics I can’t rag on too bad; they sort of have that drab-yet-fruity thing going on that you see in a lot of Sunsoft games, maybe not as detailed. The sprites are garbage, but that almost seems to fit. I can’t take this game seriously, so why should Interplay have?

Okay, this was kind of cool. They did this right. One out of ten ain’t bad… nah, except it is.

I don’t know a lot of the history about this game’s development, but it seems like it was rushed and poorly planned. For an adaptation from another medium, it is utter crap, and even on its own, Total Recall isn’t a very good game. It’s kind of funny to look at, but playing it is tedious and you’ll want to stop almost immediately unless you’re the kind of person who likes putting out cigars on your own face while watching Bugs Bunny cartoons. I give this one 4/10, and I’m being generous because I got a laugh out of it.

Play Retro – Stay Retro

It’s time for us to cross the streams, true believers.

There’s a lot of talk about comics here on NRW, and rightly so. Joey has his own awesome strand of articles wherein he sheds light on the old and exposes us to the retro-new, and we love it, because Joey is to the medium of comics what I am to sitting on my ass in front of a CRT monitor with a controller in my hand: he’s a passionate expert on the subject. It’s worth diving into; when done well, the comic book or graphic novel is an art form capable of deftly transporting the reader to new worlds – some like our own, and some realities away from it.

What can’t be overlooked is how the comic book multiverse has been thrust into the colored-light beams and binary rows of the VG grinder time and time again in the plodding quest to juice franchises for more revenue. Here’s the dolorous stroke, folks: We’re going to take a look at how they’ve done this with one of Marvel’s undisputed icons, their bread-and-butter household name… Spider-Man. Peter Parker, the world’s most beloved wise-cracking web slinger, has been dipped in silicon and code frequently throughout video gaming’s history, with results that I will be kind and describe as “varied.”

I mean, he’s an icon. Some comics fans think he’s a pussy. Honestly, I do too. I’m more of a Punisher guy. No one can deny, however, that Peter Parker is one of the most luminous stars in comic book history. (Artwork by Michael Golden)

Everyone’s pretty familiar with Spidey’s origins and powers. He got bit by a radioactive spider, got some powers, lost his uncle to crime, and got serious about cleaning up the Big Apple (and sometimes beyond). The wall-crawler has made tons of friends and enemies since his appearance in the 60s, from goblins to murderous hunters to symbiotic aliens that abandoned him and sought out his unstable and disgruntled colleagues for revenge (Venom is the man!) Pete’s powers, coupled with his nifty web-shooting devices, make for the possibility of great dynamic gameplay if translated creatively into digital form. Right?

Ah, shit, kids… let’s just do this. I’m not gonna look at every game, but we’ll examine the prominent titles that most of us may have seen or played.

Spider-Man (1982)

Platform: Atari 2600

Culprits: Parker Brothers/Atari

Eh. It’s not great, but everything looked like this in 1982. At least we can tell which one’s Spider-Man.

You’ll probably expect me to be cruel here, because I do lean on the side of bastardry when it comes to the 2600. I mean… eh. Let’s stay in context… this isn’t bad for a 2600 game. Considering the limits of the system graphics- and sound-wise, you get a good representation of the key elements. Gameplay consists of getting up on top of the building and kicking Green Goblin’s ass, which to be fair, ate up a lot of Peter’s logged superhero hours in the 70s/80s either together or as separate activities. Using your web shooters is a little tedious, but once you’ve got the hang of how to do it in a rhythm and pull yourself up, it’s pretty fun. I suppose my only knock on this one is that it’s not enough to do. But then, not every 2600 game can be Burgertime and crush your soul with raw chaos.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1990)

Platforms: Amiga, Atari ST, PC Compatibles

Culprits: Oxford Digital/Paragon Software

Let me start off with something nice before I put my hands under the table and fucking lift. The Amiga has always stood out for its time as a system capable of audiovisual richness, and this game really turns her out. The ST and PC versions are decent in that regard too, although the audio quality varies.

“Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!”  I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

Now, let’s talk about HOW they chose to turn her out. The controls are pretty fucking far from intuitive; while I expect translating Spider-Man’s iconic means of locomotion to be a challenge for a game developer, this shit is just abyss you’ll keep falling into until you start being meticulously careful… which isn’t prudent in 90% of the situations you’ll be navigating. Move fast? Move really carefully? The answer to both is usually no. Again, I can’t knock the graphics, but there’s something inherently wrong about this image, seen during the intro. Something that reminds me of “non-Euclidean shapes,” “lightless gulfs across time and space,” and “red-haired woman being forcibly abducted by a fishbowl-headed mannequin.” Poor Mary Jane.

somebodys_fetish.jpg

Almost as bizarre is the choice to represent your life bar as a picture of Spider-Man that turns skeletal from the feet upward as you move closer to death.

He looks a little embarrassed. I don’t blame him.

Last gripe: the game is, at least to me, unreasonably goddamn long considering the tedium it is to play. You can watch a longplay here, and be sure to listen to the entire intro music, or at least sit through it for as long as you can before reaching for that little red track-bar to skip through it and save your sanity.

Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (1992)

Platforms: NES, Game Gear, Master System

Culprits: LJN (OF COURSE), Flying Edge, Bits Studios

This game is mercifully short, but still feels like being hurled into a black hole and somehow kept alive to slowly lose one’s mind via time dilation. Spider-Man, despite being fully human height, has the same general proportions as Wee Man from Jackass. His ability to leap through the air is admirable, and the controls aren’t too bad… until you try to do any of the shit Spider-Man is known for doing in terms of movement. The graphics are candy-colored palettes of pure hell wherein men are depicted universally as shoeless mongoloids and no light seems to penetrate anything (despite the garish coloration of everything).

It’s like Willy Wonka took a massive shit all over everything, and really wasn’t feeling well when he did. I bumble forth, capable of great feats of agility but barely able to keep my goose neck from dropping my pumpkin head onto my barrel chest. As Spider-Man, I am the monster, and I belong here.

A small handful of farty, tooty pieces of music cycle as you penetrate deeper into the Sinister Six’s criminal kingdom, presenting a strange yet totally-LJN mix of jazzy swing and “I ate so many tabs I can’t even tell what genre this is.” The drums punch at the listener’s mind, almost as if they are intended to pummel you into accepting the rest of this musical affront as tolerable. It’s like a rave in a Civil War graveyard, and someone invited Dizzy Gillespie. Actually, fuck that… that’d rule. This doesn’t.

Again, I can’t flush this game completely; it’s a decent effort overall, but LJN had a tendency (with a scant few exceptions) to attach its name to something and then pile drive it into the floor until no amount of reconstructive surgery could fix it.

Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage (1994)

Platforms: Genesis. SNES

Culprits: LJN, Acclaim, Software Creations

We’re ending on a positive note. We have to. We owe it to ourselves.

I really liked the Maximum Carnage story arc in the comics. It’s held high by some and shit on by others, but there’s something about a villain so terrifying that two bitter enemies (not to mention a wild cross section of Marvel’s 90s line-up) combined forces to defeat him as he rampaged across New York with his own wrecking crew. I love big events, and I LOVE villains. And Carnage… well, he’s one burning hell of a villain.

Really, if anyone deserves this shit, it’s JJ. 

This effort did decent justice to the source material. I’ll keep this simple and just tick off some pros and cons.

PROS

-Venom is a playable character

-Morbius shows up, along with Deathlok, Black Cat, Iron Fist, and a few other underrated Marvel good guys

-it’s a beat-em-up, and not a bad one, either

-comic book style cut scenes, and they’re not done poorly

–pretty damn good music

-LJN didn’t set this one on fire and stand back playing pocket pool while it burned to slag

Really cool audio-visual presentation all around. It keeps true to the comic feel without burning that candle at both ends with a welding torch.

CONS

-The music did not sound as good in the Genesis version

-This game is also long; why the hell does Spider-Man mean “long fucking game” almost uniformly to game designers

-It’s incredibly unfair to put bad-ass characters like Black Cat, Iron Fist and Morbius in here and not have them as full-on playables

-I feel like a lot of the villains get undersold in terms of their powers and badass-ness

-Still, to make an understatement, a bit fucking cumbersome to do the web slinging thing, although it must be acknowledged that it’s better in this than in any predecessor

Overall, Maximum Carnage is fun as hell. I owned the Genesis cart as a kid and got a lot of replay value out of it. It’s a net win due to presentation and the choice of formatting it as a beat-em-up, which makes it approachable on a level far beyond its ancestors in Spidey’s video game library.

That brings us to 1994, folks, so I guess I’ll put the brakes on it here. Thanks for reading, and before I go, I suppose I owe you some number ratings on these hunks of pop media history.

Atari 2600: 6/10

Amiga: 5/10

NES: 3/10

Genesis/SNES: 7/10

See you at the end of the month, RetroFans! Excelsior!!!

For the hundredth time, I’ll repeat myself: I am deeply, deeply into the fantasy shit. In particular, I am really into anything that even remotely emulates Dungeons & Dragons. There’s just something about a band of adventurers descending into caverns, ruins, and other dangerous places to hunt for loot or die trying… it’s the stuff legends are made of. Well, legends or bloodbaths, I guess. Either way… *puts on dumb helmet and picks up ridiculously huge axe* count my ass IN.

I mean, how the fuck does this not scream “awesome?” (This is the box art by the way, by Boris Vallejo, one of the inheritors of Frazetta’s legacy.)

in 1990, the whole concept was still pretty hot in popular culture, at least hot enough to try and sell some NES cartridges. Interplay strapped on its gear and lit its torch to bring us Swords and Serpents, a game that takes the general premise of D&D (as well as some of its terminology) and crunches it down ever-so-gently so it can be presented in an 8 bit format. There’s a lot to like about this game, but there’s plenty I wish were different as well. It’s a visually beautiful and carefully authentic dungeon-crawl that stays very true to formula, but it’s still got some holes in it.

NOTE: I would like to stress that this game bears no relation to the identically titled Intellivision game, and at no time am I talking about that game. In fact, I have had almost no exposure to the Intellivision, except I know a He-Man game came out for it and I’m forever pissed that Mattel was so exclusive with its licensing back then. But that’s an axe we can grind some other day…

The game starts up and you’re presented with the choice to make your own group of heroes or use the default one. Do what you will, but the default one’s really not bad and choosing it saves you a little time diddling around. You’ll want the same basic setup anyway: two characters who can beat the shit out of monsters by way of weapons (warrior and thief, really just two different styles of murder), and two magic-using people (who can both do some hurting and some healing). Minor details don’t factor in. Besides, you’re probably just going to see them all die.

AKA: Who you tryin’ to send to the grave today?

Let’s talk about that… palette swaps and all, Swords and Serpents has a surprising array of monsters who are more than happy to mechanically separate you like they worked at the Tyson plant and you were chicken meant for dog food. Skeletons, spiders the size of tanks, wandering asshole wizards… I’ve provided as much of a visual bestiary as I felt I could without just making this article one big gallery of scary shit. The lavish and horrid detail in which some of these creatures are rendered not only impresses me (since 8 bit graphics do tend to constrain more than release an artist’s details) but also provides a bit of a visceral shock when some of them crop up.

As you can see, plenty of these screenshots show (by way of the convenient bar graphs representing the party’s life/magic meters) my bold adventurers getting their asses handed to them by undead, mutant bats, trolls with switchblades, and whatever the hell that ghastly sneering thing is on the bottom middle.

However, the first thing you encounter is an old lunatic with pretty useless information.

“Adventure, or, you know, getting your buttholes destroyed by trolls… destiny is a tricky thing. Now get in there, and best of luck to you!”

Once he leaves you alone, you’re free to wander and find your way into certain goddamn death. I found that biding my time and carefully picking battles weighed in my group’s favor (and fleeing like a fucking coward when outmatched) was a capital strategy early on. I was actually able to get fairly far in the game on my first go, and not just because I’m so intimately familiar with dungeon-crawling that it hurts. You also want to keep everyone as healthy as you can with your magicians’ healing spells, because… well, there’s something in RPGs called action-economy, and you don’t want to be wasting time DURING a fight casting a spell you could have cast BEFORE it… but you’ll still have to do that plenty anyway. Division of labor is the rule of the day… have your whackers whack and your healers heal. To reiterate… YOU MAY STILL JUST GET WIPED. The dungeon, she does not forgive, nor is her kiss a gentle one.

The axe man is so pretty… so, so pretty… but don’t be fooled.

You’re able to go into characters’ inventories and access their spellbooks fairly easily, and the menus aren’t clumsy or counter-intuitive like can happen so often in this genre of video games. The only thing that bothers me from an aesthetic standpoint is that there is no “you.” That is to say, the adventuring party is not represented at all, really; Swords and Serpents shows you only the first-person and top-down representations of the space you’re invading… and anything that’s trying to murder you.

Flight. Listed below and very separately, so you know it’s for running away like a bitch.

The end goal is to make it down to the titular Serpent, who is every bit as doleful and horrible as some of the other monsters. He is also capable of constantly, FREQUENTLY attacking without much delay or space between, so you’d better have a plan going in and be buff enough to handle this shit. I never made it anywhere near this far but the playthrough I saw showed me the default strategy: dump everything destructive you have on the Serpent while doing your damnedest to keep everyone not-dead.

I mean for starters, he’s not thrilled you just invited yourself in. Can you tell by his horrible fucking face and soul-destroying gaze?

The music is pretty kickin’. It’s nothing worth gushing over for too long, but the tunes do get stuck in your head. It’s good RPG music. It fits really well and is probably the best part next to the grotesquely awesome monster graphics.

I’m going to be cruel on Swords and Serpents and give it 6/10. It’s visually impressive where Interplay chose to pour that magic into it, but it lacks depth in terms of immersion and really can get tedious after too long. It’s a game you definitely can’t play for long spans, but it’s fun if you frequently save and take breaks. It’s a worthwhile entry into the NES’s RPG library, and worth a look if you’ve never played.

That’s all for this one, folks. See you at the end of the month for more!

Sometime back in 2015 I told you about Wizards & Warriors, a well-remembered but ultimately so-so sword and sorcery title for the NES. The game did well at the retail counter, and was one of the titles that helped Rare establish itself as a name in NES game development. The whole concept of the sequel comes from wanting to cash back in on the original’s success; W&W‘s sequel was definitely a better game, and allowed its developers to make out like bandits. Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II is what the first one should have been: challenging without being ridiculous, and full of detail.

This time, Rare shook hands with Acclaim (for distribution/publishing) and a fellow UK company called Zippo Games to get the job done. The result is a game that plays very much like its prequel, but in many ways outstrips it. Rare was pretty much hands-off, simply licensing the concept and codebase to Zippo and allowing them to work mostly unsupervised to develop the finished product. Zippo had worked developing games for the C64 and Amiga, and felt the NES was a bit of a step backward; They eventually decided that while it wasn’t as advanced graphically, Nintendo’s console was set up to produce better-playing games than a home computer of the time. The Pickford brothers (the men behind Zippo) paid particular attention to making the game as graphically impressive as possible, transferring black and white sketches into character maps for the game. Many of the larger entities (bosses, etc.) are done by using the whole screen in conjunction with as few moving sprites as possible. This was meant to give the impression that the whole thing was alive.

Here we see the original Pickford sketch of the wind boss, and its translation into the game itself. The bottom image shows all the parts that were sprite-based, while all others were treated as background.

The story for this second installment of Wizards & Warriors pits the same protagonist against the same antagonist; Again we’re shown a nearly nude Kuros on the cover, this time depicted by the now-famous 90s model Fabio. True to form, Kuros puts on some clothes to battle Malkil a second time.

Dinner tray for a belt, looks like he’s gonna hit you with the flat part of the sword… Fabio at his absolute finest.

It’s not made perfectly clear what Malkil’s up to this time, but he’s pitted the elements themselves (air, fire, earth, water) against the bold warrior. Kuros must assemble the pieces of the legendary IronSword in order to battle Malkil on IceFire Mountain. To make it there, he must move through the domains of each element, presenting a golden object to each domain’s animal king to progress further. As the game goes on, Kuros will have to learn spells, get better equipment, and also do his best not to get his ass turned inside out by pretty much every living thing that isn’t an innkeeper. Thankfully, you’re not quite as much of a wet end as in the first game, and the hitmapping seems to be a bit better. You still flip and flop and fall like a ragdoll, but you’re a bit more in control of what you do when that’s not happening.

You’ll do a lot of falling, sometimes great distances, as you get used to the game… but this time you get to see Kuros’s dumb face while he suffers, at least until you find the helmet.

Speaking of innkeepers, that’s one of the novel concepts added to the game. Each level has an inn where you can buy food, keys, and sometimes a spell or other item. Food plays its time-honored digital role of replenishing your health, while keys do… well, what keys do. Usually the other item for sale is one you need to move forward, so there is a small element of “grinding” present in IronSword. Lastly, you can also gamble in the inn, winning or losing money in a game where you predict which cup a tiny skull will fall into. One of my favorite little details of this game is that when you walk into an inn with no money, the innkeeper grabs you by the seat of your pants and throws you out. It’s a nice touch of realism.

“THAT’S RIGHT, A LITTLE TASTE OF VEGAS, RIGHT HERE ON ICEFIRE MOUNTAIN. STEP RIGHT UP AND LOSE YOUR MONEY.”

Magic plays a strong role in the game. Some spells are purely utilitarian, like a waterspout that lifts you to high places. Others have use in combat, like the Asp’s Tongue spell that slows down enemies. Four of the spells are necessary to harm the four elemental bosses, and these must be found (usually in the second half of a given domain). You’ll also find things like helmets, better weapons (including, eventually, the titular IronSword), and treasure.

Like, have a nice day, man.

As much as the animal lords would like to help you, they do nothing to keep their subjects from constantly assaulting you at every angle. The very first level is full of eagles/hawks/whatever that seem to hate you for no reason, and the list of enemies just gets worse from there. The bosses are huge affairs that are mostly background imagery, but the effect is appreciable. Each boss seems incredibly large and intimidating.

As stated before, Zippo sought to push the limits with graphics on the NES; it’s arguable that they succeeded. Their experience with Amiga and C64 titles shows in this product. The music, composed by notable video game composer David Wise, is incredibly cool. It has a great thickness to it, and there’s a few tracks that really make you want to bop your head. I particularly like “Stage Theme 2.” You could rap over that. Well, I couldn’t, but you might be able to.

I grant Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II 9 out of 10. It’s a huge improvement on its prequel, a visually and musically impressive title, and one of the games worth adding to any NES enthusiast’s collection.

See you mid-month, and I’ve got a special article coming in late October about one of my favorite classic TV shows.

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