• How is this not a Troma film?

Flesh Eating Moms directed by: James Martin. Starring: Robert Lee Oliver, Donatella Hecht, Neal Rosen, Valorie Hubbard and Marie Michaels.
Year of release: 1988
Runtime : 88 min / 1.85:1

Pardon my French but “these b*tches is crazy”. What the hell did I just watch? 90 minutes of lucid insanity and I needed it. Please just take me back to the eighties and the nineties, please. Take me back to the BMX ramps in the cul-de-sac, the yellow school bus with the nicotine stenched driver. The Pizzeria run by a guy named Sal next door the breakfast diner that served beer after 7pm. The shitty box television set with the knobs and the furniture with the plastic coverings. The Late, Late Movie on channel 7, frozen orange juice in the freezer, the leaves of autumn, the imaginary Leave It To Beaver music that played in your head on the way to school, the rotary phone with the two foot cord, walkie-talkies, lazer-tag, Saturday mornings, 25cent juices, the girl next door, the creepy van that was always parked down by the river, the haunted house on the corner, the sketchy guy at the park, the Ice Cream man with the sailor tattoos, stranger danger, DARE, the danger of razors in the candy, the rocks that addicts smoked, “No-that wasn’t candy”, MSG, the OTB, phone phreakers, NYNEX, book reports, BOOKS, Nintendo, VHS, A Current Affair, Unsolved Mysteries, the Cold War and the threat of impending doom with every slice of pizza & fruit punch. I was lucky enough to find this on youtube while researching conspiracy threads and documentaries online; there I was taking a break from learning about the Sabbateans and I noticed this title pop-up in my feed (no connection).

• PLOT
  Somewhere in some corner of New Jersey, the mothers have come down with a sickness and have turned into savage cannibalistic fiends. Nothing is off the menu when these hotwives go feral and start ripping into their neighbors and loved ones. The kids are stoned and freaked out trying to get to the bottom of the madness. The chief of police knows more than he says. The local medical examiner is barely over five feet tall and even he smells something is fishy going on.
  

This film was shot on a shoe string budget and enough imagination, humor and not-a-care in the world attitude to make this something special. I’ve already watched this film twice and still laugh my balls off. All shot on location in west bumblef*k.

• “It’s so damn bad it’s great. How is this not a Troma film.”

The limited budget was obviously focused on what special fx they could put together and “YES” the gore is here; almost reminiscent of early Peter Jackson type body horror courtesy of special effects artist Carl Sorensen (Child’s Play, Tremors). There is so much red stuff dripping here you could stock a Nathan’s Hot Dog stand and film an entire MaxiPad marketing campaign. The script is witty, tongue-in-cheek and crass. The cannibal virus itself has a nice original plot twist to it.
The acting? The acting is pure public-access meets Loyd Kaufman shot on film and smeared together inside the frame of an episodes of MONSTERS. I can’t say I recognize any of these actors aside from Marie Micheals who was one of the mob wives in Goodfellas and Donatella Hecht (The Manhattan Project 1986). I LOVE THIS. This is why I review these forgotten gems of analog entertainment when life was simpler, less sanitized and fun. Gen X wasn’t just an era it was a friggin attitude and I was fortunate enough to slide down the tail-end of that generation into the birth of the millennial before everything just became cookie cutter and redundant.

Flesh Eating Mothers is also available in Blu-ray format from Vinegar Syndrome presents, freshly restored in 2K and featuring a new batch of exclusive extra features.

You been fluffed enough now. So click the link below and watch with some friends and some pizza rolls, soda pop, whatever the hell you smoke and your significant others Hot Pockets. Just remember to take it easy, be dangerous, be cool, keep your finger on that Rewind Button and Yippee-ki-yay and F the Law.

In the spring of 1989, a film that was supposed to make waves in the creature feature genre only made ripples. Critically lambasted, George P. Cosmatos’s Leviathan didn’t even make its budget back in theatrical revenues. It didn’t help that it was the year of multiple underwater sci-fi films. Audiences and critics looked forward to James Cameron’s The Abyss instead. However, despite its flaws, are there elements that might entice the modern viewer?

In the beginning, we find out that a crew of Tri-Oceanic Corp is at the end of a three-month underwater operation. These crew members are tired, and the majority are eager to return above shore. During what was to be a final job, a crew member salvages a safe from a downed Soviet submarine (funny now as the film is set in 2027, and the Soviet Union would collapse in 1991 in reality). A celebratory occasion turns into a nightmare. The crew learns too late that the submarine was scuttled deliberately for humanity’s sake.

The film features a strong selection of character actors, whose interaction with each other is one of the film’s strong points. Peter Weller (of Robocop fame) stars as Steven Beck, the geologist supervising the mining operation. Richard Crenna is the company physician with a troubled past. Ernie Hudson, Amanda Pays, Daniel Stern, Hector Elizondo, Lisa Eilbacher, and Michael Carmine round out the rest of the crew.

Special note goes out to Hudson and Stern. Hudson plays his character Justin Jones as sarcastic, antagonistic, but ultimately caring. However, what happens to him near the end though is so dumb that even Hudson voiced his concerns to the director. For most people used to Stern as his character in the Home Alone films, his role as Sixpack might be a bit of a shock. He plays one of the most one-note, scuzzy characters. It’s surprising that the crew would have tolerated his presence for that period without coming to blows. It’s fitting that his actions lead to the crew’s outcome. Meg Foster also shows up as the Tri-Oceanic CEO who may or may not have the crew’s best interests in mind.

Visually, the film is fine. Unlike The Abyss, the filmmakers utilized dry-for-wet shooting for most of the scenes. Unless you play really close attention, it’s difficult to tell the difference. Furthermore, few of the action scenes occur underwater, with most occurring within the mining facility. Thus, there’s more of a necessity for a believable sound stage, which the production provided.

Obviously, for this type of film, the focus is going to be on the creature effects. In honesty, there are both good and bad elements of the Stan Winston design. The mutations that affect the crew are still praiseworthy years later. Though critics derided the film as an imitation of previous films, the effects are still nightmare-worthy up to a point. That point is when the audience sees the final reveal of the creature. With that as the look, the director and cinematographer probably should’ve left it underwater and in the dark. What was freaky and out-of-this-world looks cheap by the end. This became a rushed production. However, the director and studio knew this, and there should’ve been a decision to not have the climax in daylight.

Praise goes to Jerry Goldsmith for the music. He begins by invoking the mystery of the ocean with a swelling orchestral score featuring whale calls. Of course, as the terror progresses, he utilizes more tension-based pieces. During the chases, I think there’s even a tinge of pulsating synth, though the horns and strings remain prominent. I even give props for the concluding piece, “A Lot Better.” It however sounds more appropriate for a classic western or the end credits of a triumphant sports film. The director and composer likely felt that they needed music to match the visuals of the survivors departing in victory.

Leviathan was and is never going to equal likes of Alien, The Thing, or The Abyss. Yes, it’s derivative and a bit mindless. Not all films however have to be classics. Some are above average flicks to put on for some thrills and showcasing of the talent, whether it’s acting or effects. If you’re not into creature features then I cannot recommend this movie as a must-see. However, if you like B-movies with mostly top-grade production, then you might want to give it a view. Moreover, it’s one of those movies that feels tangible unlike the CGI-reliant features that are dominant now. That buoys this underwater feature up a little.

There’s no rest and relaxation for the terrorized couple featured in the tense 1989 Australian thriller Dead Calm. A time of recovery in grief becomes a fight for life when they come across a man with a dark secret. How will they survive in the middle of the Pacific Ocean isolated from outside help?

Within the first few minutes of director’s Phillip Noyce’s feature, you already empathize with John (Sam Neill and Rae (Nicole Kidman) Ingram. A joyful homecoming for the naval officer turns into a familial tragedy. To recover, John takes his wife on an extended vacation on their yacht. The couple spot a mysterious man (Billy Zane) furiously rowing away from a stranded ship and towards them.  What is he hiding behind those boyish looks? Will their assisting him be their last mistake? What will happen if the dead calm of the ocean begins to stir?

A film of this sort can be hard to pull off. Why? Because the cast is small and the setting is one of isolation, the focus is primarily on the performances of the actors. With a larger cast and multiple locations, you can often overlook a bad performance or two or a mundane plot if the action is varied and there are great visuals. This way you’re not fixated on the weaknesses of the feature.

Fortunately, all three actors perform well, pushing the story along so that you’re wondering what each will do next under the circumstances. Neill portrays John as the resolute and capable husband that he would likely be as a military man. Although he makes an early error in judgement, he does his best to recover and survive with the skills that he would’ve likely learned in the navy. However, Kidman really shines as the hero of Dead Calm. She makes physical and emotional sacrifices to deal with the terror inflicted by Hughie, the mysterious young man brought aboard. It takes an incredible actress to portray the varied emotions that she displays as Rae. It’s an amazing role for her, a then-young woman known for light comedies such as BMX Bandits.

What about Billy Zane? It’s a shame that his career hit an apex in the mid-nineties with The Phantom and Titanic. In this role, he’s able to combine a devilish charm with an unsettling presence. When you first view Hughie in a frantic but tired, terrified state, you can sense that something is not quite right, but the ultimate mystery still hovers. There’s a brief scene where he is staring back into the distance with a haunting look on his face while the music swells. In another context, this could be a triumphant stand of the hero. However, we know this character is a psychopath with a sordid path. Is he regretful of what he did? The viewer has to decide.

The discussion of this scene brings us to one of the highlights of Dead Calm: the music. Graeme Revell, then new to film composition, brings a unique take to the genre. Having a background in the industrial scene of the time, he brings a touch of that to the synthesized-based scoring. The music is often rhythmic with tribal tinges to it. In addition to the track “Sadness” that plays during the previous scene just mentioned, the other highlight is “Finding John” that mixes a calming synth line, pulsating beats, and chant-like breathing. Combined with the dusk-to-night visuals, it leaves an impression.

Most of the filming takes place during daytime. Compared to nighttime action, it can be harder to convey horror during the bright daylight. The visuals of a ship against the ocean and the high sun is beautiful; to most people it would convey a pleasure cruise rather than a fight for life. However, the director and cinematographer are able to a picture of relaxation into an atmosphere of dread. Instead, it’s during the nighttime where we begin to feel a return from despair to triumph.

Even many who have much positive overall to say about the film have one major gripe: the ending scene. A fairly grounded film ends in an over-the-top fashion. This does not mean there is fantastical break from reality, but there’s a spectacular conclusion that became predictable in later thrillers. It should be noted that it was not the original ending, which was more open-ended. I don’t feel that it ruins the film; I do believe there could be more connective tissue to how the movie gets there. It didn’t necessarily have to feel tacked on, but it does. Either the studio should’ve let Noyce know they wanted that ending during principal filming, or let the original ending stand.

People seem to mention Dead Calm as a curiosity rather than as a must film now. Generally, they highlight that it lead to Kidman and Zane becoming bankable lead actors. However, though it’s not a masterpiece, one can recognize it as an accessible film that provides thrills without dumbing down the characters in order to move the story along. Moreover, it has a taut running time so that it doesn’t sink under the weight of outstaying its welcome.

The martial arts have played a mystifying role in pop culture ever since the great Bruce Lee graced the screen with sick moves so fast the camera could barely capture them. Perhaps even before that, the very idea of such fighting prowess, with or without a weapon, has been a vivid font for fantasy in the public mind. I remember being drawn to karate and tae kwon do as a youth by heroes such as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I took classes for about a year, but at age 8, all I really did was pick my nose and wiggle my ass in the full-length mirrors lining the wall. I lacked focus and discipline. I revisited the endeavor later in life and made moderate headway, but at that point I had developed other interests that far outweighed my desire to become a fighting machine. I was also, as I am now, about as in-shape as a water balloon with several holes in it.

I loved the video games that featured martial arts, though. Herein, we’ll take a look at a few of the rarer kind of fighting game: the ones that treated it less like a cartoon and more like a sport… or at least made an attempt at pseudo-realism. We’re treating the Grab Bag more like a speed bag or heavy bag as we check out these “real” martial arts titles.

Best of the Best: Championship Karate

Loriciel, 1992

We’ll start off with one that was released across a ton of platforms in one incarnation or another. This game was first released as Andre Panza Kickboxing in Europe, but its release was limited and only included personal computers and the TG-16. Its better-known version was released in 1992 for the NES, Genesis, SNES, and both Amiga and DOS computer systems.

The cool part of Best of the Best is that it’s kind of a career simulator. You can’t just jump in and start collecting championship medals; you’ve got to train to get your stats up and pick your battles based on the tale of the tape. By sparring against a dummy opponent and doing various other exercises in a gym, your fighter builds his stamina, strength and speed to compete with an array of real-life kick boxers emulated within the game.

In the ring and in the gym. A true badass doesn’t waste time. Get at it.

One downfall for me was the control scheme, and I can’t even fault it completely. It’s wonderful how customizable it is, allowing you to go in and set certain moves for certain arrow/button combos, but it can become a bit harrowing to keep up with when you’re in the ring with a CPU opponent that knows what it’s doing by rote. I’d call it a labor of love to get polished with this control scheme, but it isn’t for me. The game itself is quite a commitment, between training and matches… but then, it’s realism we wanted, right?

Budokan: The Martial Spirit

Electronic Arts, 1989

This title saw a broad release across tons of computer and console formats, and received mixed reviews. An earnest attempt at depicting realistic martial arts combat, both armed and unarmed, Budokan puts the player in the shoes of an aspiring student preparing to enter a grand tournament. Matches are fought against a set of variably armed opponents, and during the tournament the player may select from four methods of fighting: the staff, nunchaku, kendo (a rattan sword meant to simulate a katana or similar weapon), or unarmed karate. The CPU opponents are not limited to these weapons, and the player may only choose each of his own methods four times before it is no longer available in the tournament.

This dude is, in fact, serious with this shit.

There are also areas for practicing the four methods of combat, though this game lacks the stat-leveling system present in Best of the Best. The practice is literal, meant to sharpen the actual player’s skill. This practice also helps build an understanding of how ki and stamina work in the game; ki is built up in defense against attacks and then released in your own offense, and stamina is a rough representation of how much punishment you can take. When a fighter’s stamina bottoms out, they’re done.

The controls, yet again, are a little unwieldy and take a bit to get used to. Once you do, however, the big challenge is timing as you learn to adapt to other combatants’ styles and patterns. It’s helpful to at least glance at the pre-fight screens that describe your opponents; each one hints at their style and how one might overcome it. It’s just as tricky to select a good weapon to match your foe’s, since like vs like is not always the ideal strategy. I enjoy the concept of this game overall, as it’s just as cerebral as it is “physical.” It’s not just whack-a-mole. As an aside, the Amiga version has fantastic music and may be the best overall version of the game.

Bushido Blade

Light Weight/Square, 1997

It’s time to dip into some fifth-gen shit. I figured this was a great title to start with. You know how in so many fighting games, everyone has a life bar and every brutal injury takes only a fraction of it? Well, not in Bushido Blade. When you step onto this low-poly battlefield, things get real.

There is a story mode in the game that varies slightly for each character, and not only involves fighting various other figures in the plot but also series of ninjas and other challenges. While the single-player game is wonderful and challenging, it’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m focusing on the VS. Mode.

You and a CPU opponent or another player face off with a choice of weapons in a fight to the death. When I say “to the death,” I don’t mean until some abstract yellow bar is empty. I mean, you fight until someone is on the ground gushing blood. And that doesn’t take as much contact as you think.

Striking and blocking at different angles and heights can be achieved with fairly simple button/arrow combos, and there’s even a little acrobatic work you can do to present a harder target to your opponent. A lazy or hasty strike can leave you open for a counter-attack, and a good hit to a limb will render it useless. Many matches will end swiftly, however, as a blow to the head or torso creates a catastrophic blood-spurt and a sudden defeat. Some of the selectable characters are better-trained with one or another type of weapon, and this is worth reading up on or figuring out. For instance, Kannuki is great with the big power weapons. Give him that broadsword or hammer and watch him smash through an opponent’s defenses.

The graphics are as good as any other early PS1 release, and the sound is killer also. Most fights have no background music, which seems oddly appropriate. The only sounds are those of desperate one-on-one combat.

WEIGHING IN

Best of the Best: 5/10 (It’s really cool, but the controls are occasionally baffling. Visually smooth though.)

Budokan: 6/10 (Great for its time, I think the Amiga version wins out presentation-wise.)

Bushido Blade: 8/10 (One of my favorite PS1 games, hands down.)

I’m also going to try out a new rating system, a little more in-depth than my usual screed of just rating a game using one lazy star-rating. I will rate individual aspects on their own, and then use these to evaluate the overall picture of the game.

Phantom Fighter

Marionette/Ponycanyon (FCI)

1988 (1990 US)

When I say that they should have just called this game Straight-Up Just Kicking Ghosts in the Fucking Face, I don’t mean to cheapen or degrade it. The activity mentioned in my suggested title is what you end up spending 90% of your time doing, but it actually totally rules. Various reviews before mine have consistently given Phantom Fighter slightly above-average ratings overall, and I’d have to concur with the prevailing opinion here.

This is the game in one image. It’s not even a bad game, though! It’s just… I mean, this is it. This is what you came to town for. You’re doing this. A lot of this.

Apparently based off a 1985 film called Reigen Dōshi in Japan and Mr. Vampire in English, Phantom Fighter places you in the role of a kung fu master who has the special gift of placing his foot right into ghosts and making their trick asses regret being ghosts in the first place. Several villages nearby have been having problems with “kyonshi” (which I think is just a Japanese-ized rendition of the Chinese word “jiangshi,” a type of undead creature commonly described as a hopping vampire) and have petitioned you for help. Since you are a man of virtue and can kick the unliving shit out of undead monsters, the adventure begins.

I gradually cleared out the first village and people kept giving me scrolls. I wasn’t entirely sure what they were for until later I used several of them to learn things called “High Jump” and “Wolf Move.” Apparently, you expand your repertoire of sick techniques by studying with a master, and the scrolls are currency. I also had to collect some “jades” that unlock a seal so I could kick something else’s ass (a boss ghost who left Alucard-style movement trails behind him).

He thinks he’s got tricks. His actual trick is hitting really fucking hard despite moving in slow motion. 

There’s not a ton of variance in the enemy except for how powerful they are, but fighting the kyonshi is fun once you get the timing and spacing down. It’s nice that the items and upgrades don’t overwhelm the game, but I wish things progressed faster on that end… the sprawl seems a little unrewarding, especially early on when you could struggle a bit.

Gameplay 7/10 (it’s fun to beat the shit out of Wuxia vampires)

Audio 8/10 (pretty good OST, especially the combat music)

Graphics 6/10 (good for NES type stuff)

Theme 8/10 (I’m a sucker for the M.A./horror blend)

Big Picture: 7/10 (A bit underrated!)

The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants

Imagineering/Arc Developments/Acclaim

1991

This is a polarizing title in the NES library. A lot of players love it because it’s 1) the first Simpsons video game 2) brutally “challenging.” Another camp despises it because it’s 1) banked completely on its licensing 2) fucking stupid hard, not to mention boring.

I played it for about 20 minutes and fell into the second category.

Bart has all the maneuverability of an overripe fruit someone dropped on a hot day. He lopes and bumbles through a perpetually overactive environment as he tries to turn purple objects red. Purple objects are apparently one crucial ingredient necessary for the space mutants (the only well-rendered things in the game) need for some kind of devastating weapon.

Well-drawn, but yeah, they’re doing this. I mean, I know The Simpsons is goofy and silly. But this is the nadir, I think.

You can get on a skateboard, which helps you get hurt more and faster. You also pick up various implements that I guess are supposed to help you, but really don’t unless they are oriented toward a specific puzzle solution. Toy stores and tool stores sell them to you, and you buy them using mystery money that just tumbles out of random shit. You’re able to stand on things that make no sense and can’t stand on surfaces that make perfect sense. This game is an affront to the platform genre, AND I HOPE YOU LIKE THE SIMPSONS THEME BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PLAYS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AN 8 BIT VERSION OF THE SIMPSONS THEME.

I’m standing on a non-surface, the point where a surface terminates and becomes a nearly sheer vertical edge. Non-Euclidean geometry? Demoniac defiance of physics? Both equally likely.

I am unashamed to admit that I did not finish the first level. I’m sure if I asked the Pope he’d give me an indulgence on that one. No sane or virtuous human being would willingly smash themselves into this hellmouth more than once.

Gameplay 2/10 (Bart needs to go see a middle ear doctor or be evaluated for head trauma)

Audio 1/10 (fuck you)

Graphics 5/10 (it has moments, and I can’t fault it on authenticity either)

Theme 4/10 (eh, I think they just knew we’d buy a Simpsons game)

Big Picture: 2/10 (Skip it. If you’re into it, we’ll have to agree to disagree, and also agree that I worry about your well-being.)

Holy Diver

Irem Corp.

1989

Let me jump right on the tiger, to quote the Man Himself… the Wikipedia article claims there is no relationship between this game and the Ronnie James Dio album.

Nah, bruh… I’m sorry… that’s motherfucking DIO.

Here’s my interpretation of this awesome (and sadly non-export) platform game: You play as Ronnie James Dio, champion of humanity and righteous heavy metal. You murder every evil thing you find with outrageous magic and basically nothing can stop you. That’s all the story I need, man. I am an unironic and unashamed fan of all things Dio. Plug me in. It’s time to rock.

“Between the velvet lies / there’s a truth that’s hard as steel / the vision never dies / life’s a neverending wheel”

This game is actually pretty good. It’s a solid blaster-platformer, with a reasonable difficulty curve and a good sense of accomplishment. As you utterly destroy more and more of the wicked demonic creatures, you find power-ups and new spells that make you even more undeniably rad. I was throwing several different kinds of magic into the face of evil and changing forms by the time I needed to stop and write this article.

A lot of the imagery makes it completely clear that this game is directly inspired by Dio and Dio-era Sabbath. I mean, stylized crosses with skulls that look like they could come right off of an early-80s Sabbath album cover? Come on. In other ways, the game reminds me visually of another Japanese game, Getsu Fuuma Den, except more crisp and polished. If I could say anything negative about this game, it’s that I wish it had a little more variety and depth when it came to the magic and power Dio could wield against the forces of evil. He is, after all, master of the fucking moon. The audio is also a bit below standard for a game where you play as Dio.

It’s the sign of the southern cross / Fade away, fade away / Break the crystal ball / Fade away, fade away / I can’t accept it anymore

And you are playing as Dio. We’re not gonna screw around on that point. That is exactly what is up in this game.

Gameplay 7/10 (it’s not absolutely perfect but it’s a lot of fun)

Audio 5/10 (sadly, this part does not rock like Dio, but I can live with it, it’s not awful)

Graphics 8/10 (heavy metal!!!)

Theme 10/10 (RONNIE JAMES DIO IS DESTROYING DEMONS WITH WIZARD POWERS.)

Big Picture: 8/10 (I want to send away for a FC cart of this, shadowbox-frame it, and put it on my wall. It is a fucking cool piece of retro VG history.)

Thanks for reading, and I’ll fill another suspicious paper bag with games real soon!

“You are the strongest chain / and you’re not just some reflection / so never hide again”

Since the very dawn of video gaming, ever since the first of countless alien invasions and nameless ninja clan insurgencies, gamers and developers have all agreed on one thing: peace is nice, but it’s incredibly boring. A common theme has emerged throughout electronic gaming, one of conflict and mayhem, where the stakes are never low and neither is the adrenaline level. We crave games of war, and damn it all, the developers and publishers have always been right there with us on the front lines.

This trend, when examined, waxes and wanes; an observer of the timeline can see it ebb and flow from simple sword-fighting between two nameless knights to full-scale nuclear war (and the theoretical after-effects). The mid to late 1980s seemed to hit a particular stride, when Cold War phantoms mixed with constantly more badass-looking real life military hardware to spawn a long list of not only films but video games (sometimes directly inspired by said films). War, we knew, was hell… and as this era burned bright red in celluloid and pixel-screen, we strode happily forward to swim in hellish waters. The devil himself was happy to take our hand, and to point out the price… 25 cents for a dip, $40 per cartridge to buy our own backyard pool.

This trio of games is not meant to be a best- or worst-of list, nor a definitive one. These three titles simply stick out most readily in my mind as examples of the over-the-top gloss we often give military strife through the lens of entertainment. And yeah… they’re pretty awesome.

Jackal/Top Gunner

Konami, 1986

I said this wasn’t a best-of list, but this definitely has to be one of my favorites. Jackal is called Tokushu Butai Jakkaru (“Special Forces Jackal”) in Japan, and was marketed in some regions as Top Gunner. In Jackal you play the role of a Special Forces unit tasked with the noble mission of rescuing POWs behind enemy lines. This kind of work is extremely hazardous, so it’s a good thing the brass gave you jeeps that maneuver like gazelles and are as bloodthirsty as you are.

Red beret, devastatingly precise mustache… Easy to tell who drives the jeep… who’s in charge. There’s a cooler in the back. Help yourself to a martini or some Dom Perignon. This will all be over soon, soldier.

Up to 2 players can play, and that’s the better way to go about it since you WILL be mobbed constantly by both infantry and enemy vehicles. The cool thing about most soldiers on foot is that you can just run them over in cold blood, mangling them under your jeep’s blood-soaked wheels as you laugh. The bad news is that they are rarely alone; not only do soldiers pack weapons that can destroy your jeep in one hit, so do the tanks, gun emplacements, bombers, and jeeps similar to yours that tend to accompany them. That’s why you also have a machine gun and a seemingly limitless supply of explosives.

Your POWs are in little buildings, and you open those buildings safely by blasting the shit out of them. Most of them just file out and climb into your seemingly bottomless jeep, but the guys kept alone in their own little sheds upgrade your blammo-factor from grenades to rockets that upgrade each time you rescue another such prisoner.

The arcade original, not unlike that of Contra, is non-stop, with very little in the way of transitions between areas of strife. Not so for the NES port and some other versions; in those, you even get cool little cutscenes illustrating what a rad time you’re having cutting a swathe of carnage through the enemy. Every version has bosses, though, and they’re no joke… from mammoth war machines to walls of launchers and even hostile rows of statues, each set will turn your life into an exercise in move-or-die.

Guerilla War

SNK, 1987

A big part of what makes this one stand out is its original choice of subject matter, which was hastily and clumsily scrubbed for Western release: in Guerilla War, the two players are supposed to be Che Guevara and Fidel Castro, overthrowing the Batista regime. In fact, the game was called Guevara in Japan. Both the titling and dialogue were quickly altered for release in the USA, in hopes of rendering the entire thing generic… I’d say they did nine tenths of a job.

I CAN STILL KINDA TELL THOUGH, CAN’T YOU? I GUESS IT’S JUST INTUITION.

But whatever. This isn’t an opinion piece or a history lesson. Anyone can agree it’s a ballsy move to make a game about that kind of heated subject, and anyone who’s played Guerilla War can agree it’s a pretty balls-to-the-wall run and gun game that is at least worthy of having such a past attached to it.

The only tactical concern of yours besides not dying when you dismount a quick boat to singlehandedly topple the entire enemy force is not to kill hostages accidentally. This is hard, not only because your enemies are all over the place and it’s hard to tell what’s going on, but because it’s tempting to just fire wantonly into cross-traffic and hurl grenades in front of you to clear a path through the chaos of battle. While this is a viable tactic about 2/3 of the time, it gets risky when there are bound and gagged men from your side nearby. Let’s be realistic: some will die. Rescue the ones that don’t.

In the grand tradition of war-themed video games, this one has no shortage of over-the-top enemy shit. You want to fight a train? Well, get ready to fight a fucking train, Che. All by yourself.

Strider Hiryu

Capcom, 1989

Many of us have played the NES title Strider, and most of us know it’s a far cry from the source material. Strider Hiryu, released originally as an arcade title and gradually ported to tons of systems besides the NES, is based off a 1988 Kadokawa Shoten manga of the same name. Hiryu (which means Flying Dragon) is also the protagonist’s name. Here’s what makes it a war game: Hiryu is an assassin sent to kill the overlord of a Communist dystopia in the year 2048. This game was a taste of sci-fi blended into the familiar orgy of violence, and while the overtones may have been lost on a lot of casual players, they still set an interesting example of theoretical futurism carried across different media. While the Red Menace of Soviet Russia ended up reaching a far different fate in real life, the 2048 of this timeline is still a hell of a place to be a super-assassin.

Yep *hitches thumbs through belt-loops* that there looks purdy Soviet to me, soldier. You know what to do.

As Hiryu, you get not only a plasma-generating sword and the acrobatic skills of a jacked-up gibbon, but you can also call upon three different “option” robots to help you unleash a whirlwind of murder on the Motherland. You also get a grappling hook, which seems superfluous after mentioning the other shit, but it comes in handy. All this gear is good, because your target, the Grandmaster, has spared nothing in defending himself. Be ready for robot gorillas (far larger, of course, than organic ones), elaborate laser traps, and more troops than you can shake a plasma sword at.

Robo-Ivan just got knocked the fuck apart by a sword made out of what’s inside the Sun. Robo-Sergei back there is having one of those moments where you wonder what your robo-life would have been if you’d just stayed in robo-art college and studied robo-cubism instead of joining the People’s Droid Army.

I’m kidding. Shake it at all of them. Leave none alive.

FINAL VERDICT:

Jackal – 7/10

Guerilla War – 7/10

Strider Hiryu – 8/10

One of Jackal’s aforementioned cinematics. See you mid-April for more red-blooded gunpowder action!

In recent weeks, my emulator/ROM collection has expanded well into the Fifth Generation of video game consoles. I’ve been playing a lot of Mr. Driller and thinking hard about what my next article topic should be. The first notion I had, strengthened by countless squeaky little Kewpie-like voices in my head, was to write an article about Mr. Driller. After summoning up the self-restraint (and self-respect) not to let that happen, I hit the books. I’d just done Double Dragon as a recent video, and thought an article about its sequel might be a good follow-up. As it turns out, the franchise family tree has a little split here. Allow me to elaborate…

The American NES version sort of scoots Marian’s brutal shooting death behind the desk, but it’s still canon, goddamn it!

You see, Double Dragon II: the Revenge is two different games. Both games have the same general plot: The Shadow Warriors have upped the ante this time by not kidnapping, but straight-up murdering Marian in cold blood. This neatly explains the “revenge” part, because unless you are Dr. Frankenstein or a very talented practitioner of Vodun, there is no point in rescuing a corpse. The arcade sequel, released in 1988, is essentially an improved version of the original in terms of gameplay. The 1989 NES sequel, which I would like to firmly establish as the main subject of this article, is… well, pretty mechanically different from the first one. Directed by Hiroyuki Sekimoto (who also co-directed River City Ransom), the NES’s Double Dragon II is its own distinct game when compared to both the original title and its arcade “sister.”

In-store ad poster, inexplicably featuring Marian alive and well, just needing a new knee-length skirt.

The upside is that, unlike the first NES Double Dragon, you don’t have to “earn” your special moves, plus you get more of them. Right from the beginning, you can not only do a spinning kick, but also a pretty devastating flying uppercut and a brutal jumping knee. The pain in the ass about these two moves is the timing; you have to execute them while on one knee just after landing from a jump or fall, but the resulting hospital bills for the bad guys are worth the effort.

A ghastly two-man show for a one-man audience.

That’s where my praise for the mechanical aspects of the game stop cold. This next part is really counter-intuitive and annoying. Normally, you’re used to a beat-em-up where you just control the direction of your attacks by, well, FACING A CERTAIN WAY, right? Maybe having one button or combo of buttons belt out a special backward strike to cover your ass in times of trouble? Well, luckily for you, Double Dragon II works completely differently. The B button attacks to your left, and the A button attacks to your right. Since your front attacks are punches and your rear ones are kicks that make your feet look like sassy lady shoes, this means that exercising deliberate control over how you attack someone requires coordination between two sets of choices… one of which also governs your movement. As a small relief, you still do your jumpy-moves in whatever direction you’re facing. Double Dragon II is far from all-bad once you get used to this control scheme, however, and once you do, it can even become oddly comfortable. It’s just… unnatural at first. Another cool part is that 2-player action isn’t limited to beating the shit out of each other with two giant palette-swapped versions of the same character; two players can attack the Shadow Warriors cooperatively. While this may up your chances of victory, watch your friendly fire. Carelessness is how friends kick each other right in the stupid face.

Choo choo! or is it a bulldozer? Either way, it’s a frustrating place to die.

All the same basic enemies are here from the prequel, with slight outfit makeovers and some slightly upgraded moves. Williams and Rowper look right at home on the slightly darker 19XX streets; Linda has a tight mohawk and a nastier chain-whip; even Abobo updated his look by growing some Danny Trejo-style hair! There are also new surprises, especially in the form of boss characters. Most notably, the ninja-type characters you fight just outside the helicopter are absolutely miserable assholes who hammer you mercilessly before leaping away from your feeble attacks. You fight inside that helicopter, as well as on a moving demolition machine. Thematically, Double Dragon II is pretty exciting. The difficulty level isn’t unfair, but the game isn’t shy about dog-piling you or throwing lethal traps your way to keep things interesting. On the highest difficulty, you can even bring Marian back to life, which I’m unsure whether I should be happy or horrified about.

The “Shadow Boss” picks a real nasty place to stage your showdown; I reiterate, fuck those disco ninjas.

The graphics are pretty good for NES stuff, and the game is definitely a distinct theme change from the prequel. The cut scenes between levels are a great touch, and it’s too bad more games in the genre at the time didn’t illustrate story that way. The sound and music are okay… the soundtrack is gently derivative of the prequel’s, but only careful listening betrays it. It’s a bit darker and cooler in tone, to fit the setting.

Double Dragon II: the Revenge for NES gets 6/10. It’s a solid beat-em-up with a lot of creativity put into aspects of its design, but that hare-brained control scheme hurts it pretty badly.

See you in April!

Since the Internet and emulation have become prevalent in gamers’ lives (especially mine), I’ve had plenty of moments when I’ve been exposed to something that never left Japan and thought, “you know, this would have really done well in the West. It’s a shame we’ll never know because they didn’t try.” Import retro gaming and emulation has always been a super-niche aspect of the hobby, a place where the mystical ley-lines of japanophilia and completionism cross at a right angle. Some people are so devoted to the cult that they translate ROMs and keep lovingly curated translations of the games’ plots and stories. Characters and worlds unheard of outside Japan have slowly gained life in the West as the Information Age has taken hold and rendered localization a mere formality.

Which is great, because otherwise I’d probably never have gotten to play Valkyrie no Densetsu.

I won’t say how I got a hold of the English translated ROM for the PC Engine/Turbo Grafx 16 version, but I will say that if you join the right forum on the right popular emulation website, you can probably find it if you look around. I was overjoyed to find it, as I’d seen bits of the original Japanese source material and even had an untouched ROM… but I won’t pretend I’m able to read Japanese in any form. Any discussion among hardcore PC Engine or Namco fans was likely to bring up the character of Valkyrie; I was intrigued to the point that I started hunting down an English translation. Apparently a decent official one exists on a PlayStation compilation disc called Namco Museum Vol 5, but PlayStation’s a little past what we cover here. My best hope was a translated ROM of the arcade or PC Engine version. I found the latter after extensive looking, and was not disappointed.

Kurino and Valkyrie bravely fend off flying mandrills. Clearly, Valkyrie’s not even worried. I mean, the weather’s nice out, she’s being launched through the sky somehow… this is a great day. She doesn’t even have time for this shit to drag her down.

As it turns out, Valkyrie no Densetsu (Legend of Valkyrie) is part of a series of games. Its prequel, Valkyrie no Boken: Toki no Kagi Densetsu (Adventure of Valkyrie: Legend of the Key of Time) was released for the Famicom in 1986 and became very popular in Japan. It contained several RPG elements that would later be matched by games like Dragon Quest/Warrior, but also bore a striking similarity in some ways to Legend of Zelda. It wasn’t a hit overnight, but it gained popularity due to its characters and story. What’s most important in the context of this article is that Valkyrie makes a friend during this first quest: a chubby little lizard dude named Kurino Sandra (sometimes called Whirlo in US-release Namco products). He would go on to feature prominently in the plot of Valkyrie no Densetsu in 1989.

In the spotty prologue of Valkyrie no Densetsu, Kurino Sandra has been living peacefully at home since the events of the prequel, but hears about a golden seed that can grant wishes. He decides to go on a quest for it alone, as Valkyrie has ascended back into the heavens. In the process, Sandra finds a magical trident embedded in a block of solid gold.

Just… right there. Among some rocks. No one ever noticed it or bothered with it. Certainly not the head-sized block of pure gold it’s stuck in. Congratulations, Kurino!

He and some companions from the first game end up in a ruined town near a clock tower, and are confronted by a powerful warrior in service to some jerk named Kamuz. Of course, this results in a violent confrontation unfavorable to Kurino and his friends, but what do you know? Having seen the strife caused by the golden seed, the heavens have seen fit to send Valkyrie down once more.

One player or two, this is where the game picks up. The eight stages take you across a wide swathe of the world of Marvel Land (no authoritative source confirms or denies this being related to the Genesis title of that name produced by Namco), from meadows and forests to lava caves and lands of ice. After exhaustive comparison, I can’t see any real difference in mechanical game function between Valkyrie and Kurino; both of them jump the same, cast spells (yes, cast spells) the same, and shoot energy bolts out of their weapons. It’s all a matter of aesthetics. The game is top-down but contains plenty of jump-hazards, so mastering the distance and timing of that jump is essential. Battling small crowds of low-tier enemies isn’t too hard; in fact, it’s pretty fun. The control response is good, and you just point and click. The spells you learn (see below) can do things like turn you bigger and stronger, create whirls of flame, allow you to float in midair, and even summon little versions of yourselves to help deal out punishment. (This last one is actually called “Option Magic,” a reference to similar abilities in various shoot-em-up games.) Health and magic power are both measured with little icons, and the game is generous enough to use half-units as an increment.

Waiting for the duo are ogres, goblins, robots, and various kinds of boss monsters, some of whom are so large that the screen has to zoom out a little to let you fight them. Most non-boss monsters aren’t too dangerous individually or in small groups, but seeing as Valkyrie no Densetsu is originally an arcade title, the swarm effect will be noticeable at regular intervals. Most enemies drop gold in varying amounts, which makes one wonder just what to do with all the loot earned through righteous murder.

Thankfully, A merchant, an old lady, and a little girl are constantly hanging around these dangerous places with the intent of doing business with you (or just giving you shit). The little girl usually just has story items, but the old woman teaches you some bad-ass spells and the merchant guy sells you some useful stuff (including shooter-style power-ups).

From a scan of the Japanese manual for the PC Engine version. 

The game’s soundtrack is pretty good, the obvious best example being the arcade version. The prologue and main theme music are what I’d call “charming” if I were pretending not to like them as much as I do; they’re adorable, uplifting, and delightful. For a game so grand in overall scale, it’s unfortunate there isn’t more there, but what IS there is a wonderful fit for the theme.

Valkyrie no Densetsu clearly exhibits hybrid traits; it is both a top-down “platform” game and a less-than-conventional shooter when held to examination. Larger-than-life bosses, an involved yet approachable in-game economy, and stage features like catapults you must use to get from area to area are just some of the game’s appealing side-dressing. It’s no wonder Valkyrie no Densetsu made it to the PC Engine in 1990, taking a tiny hit in graphics and sound but retaining the bulk of its charm and playability. The Wii Virtual Console released a fairly faithful version of the original in 2009 (after emulating the PC Engine version the year before). As mentioned before, 1997 saw the release of the only official English translation on a PS1 disc called Namco Museum Vol 5, but I’m told the disc was (and is) both rare and expensive. The saga of Marvel Land’s heroes continued with a Kurino-centered entry for the Super Famicom in 1992, which did see release in Europe as Whirlo, but was drastically different from previous games in the series. Valkyrie herself has made various cameos in other Namco franchises: in the Mr. Driller series; in Soul Calibur II as an alternate costume for Cassandra; and as a relative staple in the company’s Tales of… franchise.

Screenshots from the English fan translation of the PC Engine version.

It really makes me wonder what heights she could have reached if she’d ever been let loose in the West. To most gamers, she’s just one of those characters in Namco vs Capcom that you’ve never heard of.

But if you’re a real blood-in member of the cult of retro gaming, you know who she is. At least, you do now. You’re welcome.

Thanks for reading, and I’ll be back in March with more! As usual, feel free to email me or visit the page on Facebook if you have feedback, questions, or (best of all) a juicy game you think I should hear about.

Not too long ago, I took three NES titles I’d never seen before and played each one for a minimum of one hour. Then I shared my experiences with you folks via a lovingly crafted article on our internet computer website. As we put a stake through 2016’s black heart and decapitate it to make sure it won’t rise again in the sequel, I thought it’d be fun to repeat my “grab bag” routine by dipping thrice into the game library of another well-loved classic console.

The Genesis/Mega Drive has an astounding number of arcade ports, and also boasts a bounty of left-field games straight from its Japanese homeland. I did my best to choose three I’d never messed with or even read about before, which meant picking three titles that run the gamut of genre and style. “Eye-opening” is a gentle word to describe this little journey; let’s just say that while some relics should be studied and shared, others should perhaps never be found.

Make sure your straitjackets are securely fastened… here we go.

El Viento (Wolf Team, 1991)

Allow me to give you my guess at what seems to be going on in this game BEFORE having looked at any official literature: You are a beautiful and agile elf creature, one who love boomerangs and hates 1930s gangsters. You have a little bit of magic at your disposal (which is to be expected, since you are clearly some kind of fairy warrior), but you have a little trouble with stairs sometimes – especially when several men on motorcycles are trying to kill you.

Well, according to several sources, I was close on the time period; the game is set in the late 1920s. I was way off with my appraisal of the main character, though… apparently you’re a Peruvian sorceress descended from the bloodline of Hastur. You know, the Cthulhu Mythos entity also referred to as the King in Yellow. Apparently his cult has teamed up with a Chicago gang (the gang leader is named DeMarco in the US localization, but source material names none other than Al Capone) to bring about some heavy end-times shit.

Let’s put that one back up on the billboard for a moment. You’re a Peruvian sorceress descended from the King in Yellow himself who runs around killing Al Capone’s boys with razor boomerangs in 1928.

The artwork for the US localization makes her look a lot more Latina. I guess it’s because they washed off all the anime.

All that aside, the game plays really well. Once I got the hang of how the boomerangs functioned, I was moving through at a pretty quick pace. “El Viento” means “the wind” in Spanish, and the name is fitting; the character is very fast and agile. This got me hurt a couple of times as I accidentally bulldozed my way into trouble or dropped into a hail of bullets from above, but it also let me pick and choose my battles to some degree once I got used to things. I found myself surprised at not only how many purple cars Capone had on hand for me to destroy, but also how many shirtless men carrying machetes he had on his payroll.

Hey, maybe Wold War 2 is shorter in this timeline if we have shit like this in 1928.

Then I got killed by a very futuristic tank, apparently the boss of the first set of levels. Bullshit. But then, things ARE pretty anime up in this game.

Curse (1989, Micronet)

I’ve had this in the MD/Genesis ROM folder for a while, and its incredibly generic name had inspired me to save it as a surprise sometime in the future.

Holy shit is this game a nightmare within a dream.

I powered on and was pretty delighted to find a shoot-em-up. Not only that, a side-scrolling one instead of overhead view. Not to brag, but I am better at shoot-em-ups than almost any other genre of classic game, so I set to seeing just how far I could make it. The difficulty was pretty tough, but I never felt like like I was being hardcore spammed or cheap-dicked. The difficulty climbed as I reached the third and fourth levels, but I noticed something rare in a shooter: as the heinous crowds of enemies and huge fuckoff minibosses continued to intensify, the powerups and goodies kept up. The game is pretty generous even as it challenges me.

I took a brief break to make a cursory Google search about this game. It has interesting artwork… maybe even a little ominous. Nothing I’d seen yet seemed to correlate with this box art:

I also found out the game has a built-in stage select, so like a dumb-ass Icarus soaring full-tilt toward the Sun, I went to the fourth stage again and tried to beat the game. The fifth stage is pretty hardcore, and I found myself barely squeaking by. I was eventually confronted with a near-spitting image of the box art, which both fascinated and bothered me.

Then, in a span of moments now woodburned into my grey matter, as a 16-bit video game legitimately frightened me for the first time in memory:

I did not defeat whatever that thing was, and I’m not sure I want to try again. This was a Japan-only title; apparently an American company showed interest in publishing it but that never panned out. Maybe the saw the shit-your-pants horrifying final boss and reconsidered.

Sword of Sodan (1993, Innerprise)

I just realized this screenshot snapped a second before the dithering effect finished. Her face is doing some Cronenberg shit.

A long time ago I had read a review of this game completely trashing it. I figured I’d give ti a try; after all, it was sword-and-sorcery theme, so it couldn’t be all too bad. Its overall reviews were mixed, and the small handful of screenshots I looked at made me want to try it.

I chose the female warrior for my first try, and headed out into some kind of wilderness. A steady stream of armed men tried to murder me, and some succeeded in injuring me through sheer attrition. I was pleased to discover that I could swing my sword a couple of different ways by manipulating the D-pad while attacking. After a while, I made it into a walled city whose entryway included gratuitous spike traps. I’m not sure how that’s conducive to foot traffic for any of the citizens, let alone merchant wagons or caravans, but I braved the obstacle in order to make it into the city…with very poor results.

Battered and bloodied, I randomly drank some of the potions I’d been picking up. I finally found the one that replenished health and moved on… straight into my own doom.

There’s a lot of them, and they all do the same thing: murder you.

Things quickly went from militiamen and soldiers to tandem giants and huge metallic monsters. A pair of the giants slowly wore me down with repeated clubbings until I was hopelessly dead. Sword of Sodan had just told me, “that first bit was a good warm-up, but we’re through fucking around here.”

I tried with the male character and achieved similar results. The movement controls are strange, requiring you to sort of tap the Jump button to turn around yet allowing you to leap roughly five times higher than any real human. As far as I know, there is no way to block; you just have to murder someone fast or play the reach game with them. Obviously, that’s not going to work on a lot of the non-human monsters you eventually encounter… especially not the ones that dwarf you in size.

Abort. Cancel. Fuck this. I have a sword with pitiful reach and exactly four little potions. Bye.

I quickly lost interest in Sword of Sodan, because games that use a difficulty curve as a “members only” door are like public toilets that don’t flush; they’re full of shit and it’s best not to be near them.

THE AXE COMETH DOWN:

El Viento – 7/10

Curse – 8/10 except for the visceral and haunting finale

Sword of Sodan – 4/10

See you in 2017. So, you know… in a couple days. Stay Retro!

Then there’s a little series that came on HBO in 1989 and opened it all up into a bloody mess… Tales from the Crypt.

The original brain-seed for the series was one of a set of comic book series from the 1950s; Tales from the Crypt ran 27 bi-monthly issues from 1950 to 1955 that broke rules even back then. In fact, Bill Gaines (The publisher, who ran EC Comics, the imprint under which the horror comics were produced) was among those called to testify in the highly-publicized 1954 Senate Subcommittee hearings that resulted in the Comics Code Authority we know today. While gone, the comic was far from forgotten, and had a lasting influence on a generation of future storytellers. Publisher Russ Cochran has overseen several reprints of the original EC line, and EC itself eventually doubled down on another title in its repertoire… MAD Magazine.

This is the issue where Crime Patrol went completely out the window and starting being about werewolves and shit. History, needless to say, was made.

It’s worth noting that, in 1972, Amicus Films produced a Tales from the Crypt movie. While it isn’t incredible, it’s still pretty good, and stars Peter Cushing, Joan Crawford, and has Ralph Richardson as the Crypt Keeper. The film was a modest success; it spawned a sequel (named after another EC horror title, Vault of Horror) in 1973. For a good while afterward, the crypt was quiet. The dead slept.

Cushing as the undead Mr. Grimsdyke, Richardson as the Crypt Keeper, and the typically cheesy 70s-style titles of the 1972 film.

Then suddenly, in mid-1989, commercials began to air on pay-cable channel HBO…

I still remember these commercials chilling my young blood. My first sight of the undead host had me both horrified and fascinated… I could barely stand to look into his perfect blue eyes, but I had to know more.

On the left, you have the Crypt Keeper as he appeared from 1950 to 1955 in the comics. On the right, you have him in 1989 on the TV show. Clearly, 34 years can do a lot.

The Crypt Keeper was designed and built by Kevin Yagher, a special FX artist famous for his work on Nightmare on Elm Street 2 though 4, Child’s Play, and other horror blockbusters. The puppet required a team of puppeteers to operate, including a rig to handle the intricate facial movements that made him seem all too real. The voice of the undead storyteller was provided by John Kassir, a talented voice actor whose work you’ve definitely heard if you’ve ever watched cartoons. Kassir adopted a high, rich but reedy tone for the Crypt Keeper’s speech, providing an odd touch of class while remaining insidious. The end result had long lasting psychological impact on me as a kid; I found the Crypt Keeper both terrifying and fascinating due to how real he seemed, how lifelike the movements of his dead face and body looked.

Left to Right: Puppeteer Brock Winkless showing off the electronics used for manipulating CK’s ghastly facial movements; a diagram showing how his body was animated; and his creator, Kevin Yagher, creeping in for a selfie with the decayed horror host.

This isn’t to say the content of the show itself wasn’t also amazing. There are plenty of episodes that come off as corny, but even those have value; what truly stand out are the episodes with all-star casts that tell memorable stories and contain innovative film work or FX. I’d like to note that while the ones I mention are my favorites, they are far from the only ones worth seeing; I advise anyone who hasn’t had a look to seek out the DVDs or Blu-Rays… and a little bird told me some episodes might be on YouTube… there are few episodes that don’t have something to like.

My man was a big star for a while. He had his own TV show for 7 seasons, rubbed elbows with celebrities, and even had an action figure made in his likeness. But stars have the farthest to fall. Still… that is a killer tux. Unknown Hinson either loaned that to him or is envious of it. I’ll bet anything on that.

Season 1 starts off slow, with a few real clunkers, but two episodes deserve notice. One is actually the very first episode, “The Man Who Was Death.” It stars William Sadler as the man who pulls the switch in a penitentiary’s Death Row; he loses his job due to the repeal of the death penalty and decides to keep doing his work freelance. The episode is excellent not only for Sadler’s top-notch performance, but because it sets the tone for many tales to come; Without spoiling too much, the executioner gets his just desserts in a truly ironic twist of events. “And All Through the House” is another noteworthy episode, starring Mary Ellen Trainor (the mom from Goonies) as an unscrupulous wife who kills her husband, with the legendary and late Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as the psycho Santa who interrupts her insidious plan. These two episodes set the bar for the series moving forward.

Season 2’s most notable episode is “The Switch,” directed by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger himself. William Hickey plays an old millionaire who is deeply infatuated with a beautiful young lady (played by 80s-90s bombshell Kelly Preston). He has a doctor replace parts of his body with those of a young man named Hans when the young lady claims to like fit men; Once he’s bankrupted himself to gain the bodybuilder’s form, she decides she’s attracted to money instead… and walks off with the now-shriveled bodybuilder, who has the millionaire’s body… and his millions. Schwarzenegger makes a cameo appearance in the Crypt Keeper segments, starting a trend that would continue as stars occasionally hammed it up with the old corpse. Episode 14, “Lower Berth,” tells a tale of circus freaks, love, violence… and the origin of a certain famous horror host… It isn’t particularly innovative or memorable on its own, but “Lower Berth” is still noteworthy for more great FX work.

Yes, that’s a baby Crypt-Keeper. Yes, this one’s based on a story from the comics where they find a baby Crypt Keeper. And yes… this was a choice they made.

The series began to hit its stride in Season 3, and three episodes immediately came to mind that show how versatile Tales from the Crypt was becoming in terms of the stories told. “Carrion Death” features Kyle MacLachlan as an escaped convicted killer, an unusual but well-played role for him. He and the police officer who tries to bring him in (George DelHoyo) are the only characters seen onscreen… unless you count the vultures in the desert that serves as the episode’s grim setting. “Yellow,” one of my favorite episodes, could well be considered one of the best in the entire series. Set during World War I (Specifically 1918), this episode is less horror than it is a wartime morality play. Kirk Douglas plays a general whose son (Eric Douglas) is a lieutenant under him during some of the war’s worst trench fighting. Sadly, the apple has fallen far from the tree, and the general must face the humiliating truth that his son is a coward. Lance Henriksen and Dan Aykroyd play supporting roles, and I don’t need to tell you that the acting is superb throughout. One could even consider it supplemental viewing for the WWI drama Paths to Glory, also starring Kirk Douglas. “The Reluctant Vampire” stars Malcolm MacDowell as a bloodsucker who gets his fix by working as the night watchman at a blood bank. The episode also stats George Wendt (Cheers) as the blood bank manager and Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) as Dr. Rupert van Helsing. It’s a bit more of the black humor than the horror, but the episode is charming and hard not to enjoy.

Season 4 continues the hit parade, and its sixth episode, “What’s Cookin,” stars Christopher Reeve, Judd Nelson, and Meal Loaf in a story about a restaurant owner’s quest to find the perfect dish… at any costs. “Split Personality” features Joe Pesci as a con-man who pursues a pair of knockout twins by pretending to be a pair of twins himself. Let’s just say it doesn’t work out for him, and he finds himself torn between the lovely girls! “Werewolf Concerto” plays out a lot like a good mystery, eventually pitting a monstrous lycanthrope (Timothy Dalton) against a clever vampiress (Beverly D’Angelo) at its conclusion. This episode also stars Dennis Farina, Reginald VelJohnson, and even Wolfgang Puck as the other guests at the resort where the monster battle goes down.

The fifth season has less to offer overall, but contains two episodes worth discussing. The first, “Death of Some Salesmen,” is a testament to the versatility and talent of an actor some of us may be familiar with… one Tim Curry. Curry plays all three members of a deranged family who kidnap and eventually serve twisted justice to a crooked salesman played by Ed Begley Jr. Not only is the performance by Tim Curry the stuff of legend, but the camerawork is excellent as well, deftly maintaining the illusion that these are three separate people and not one amazingly talented actor. A cameo by Yvonne DeCarlo (The Munsters) caps this off as another of my favorites in the series. Also notable is “Oil’s Well That Ends Well,” a crime story about a set of swindlers who really have it in for each other over a bit of bubbling crude. One of them has a distinctive laugh you may have heard in the series… in fact, you’ve heard it often.

Season 6 and 7 are when Tales from the Crypt began its decline; there were still episodes worth watching, but they became fewer and further between. One is Season 6’s “You, Murderer,” which stars John Lithgow, Isabella Rossellini, Sherilyn Fenn… and Humphrey Bogart. The FX crew didn’t need a shovel or a necromancer to put Bogie onscreen; the episode was an experiment in then-blossoming digital video technology. We see Bogart’s face through reflections in mirrors, glass, and elsewhere… but barely do we ever see things outside his own point of view, which is how the story is framed. It’s all done very skillfully, and remains an excellent example of good digital film work to this day. Lastly, Season 7 contains the only animated episode, “The Third Pig,” a much more… well, adult retelling of the classic “three little pigs” story. The antagonist, the Big Bad Wolf, is voiced by none other than Bobcat Goldthwait.

TFTC also put its name on a trio of films; two are pretty decent and one is absolutely terrible. Demon Knight, released by Universal in 1995, features William Sadler as a good guy this time, a nearly-immortal soldier keeping a sacred vial of blood safe from demons who want to rule the Earth. Billy Zane plays the human-seeming leader of these evil creatures as they lay siege to an old hotel Sadler’s character has been cornered inside of. Jada Pinkett plays the young woman who eventually inherits the guardianship and ends the demon problem… for the time being. While it isn’t a classic at any rate, Demon Knight is worth a watch, and has some great FX as well as a few solid scares.

Billy Zane as the most charming demon you’ll ever meet. Zane easily steals the show, as evidenced in this supercut of his performance for the film.

Bordello of Blood (1996) is about vampire whores, and stars Dennis Miller as a private investigator trying to get to the bottom of a young man’s disappearance. Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon also star in the bizarre black comedy film. Aubrey Morris plays a secondary role as the mortician whose business conceals the bloodsucker brothel, and the vampires are led by none other than 90s model-actress Angie Everheart. Everheart’s performance is decidedly wooden, but everyone else does a fantastic job making this one fun. Miller’s style of comedy is admittedly not everyone’s taste, but his co-stars make up for him by playing decent foils to his constant referential comedy. All said and done, this one bombed at the box office.

This shot typifies the movie. Angie Everheart delivers some flat-as-a-board line in her best “sexy” voice and Dennis Miller replies with something… very Dennis Miller. There is a badass vampire-destruction sequence (NSFW – TITS) in the middle and the FX are better than okay, but audiences didn’t care for this one.

Ritual (2002) started off not even bearing the TFTC imprint. RKO’s final film, it stars Tina Grey (Dirty Dancing) and Tim Curry in a clumsy jaunt through medicine, money, and the supernatural. Grey plays a medical professional who loses her license and takes a job on an island as a young man’s nurse. She comes to suspect, over time, that he is under someone else’s influence. Universal and Miramax bandied back and forth about who would own and release this movie, and if the Tales from the Crypt dressing would even grace it… the end result is a set of endcaps hosted by an incredibly shitty version of the puppet. He looks horrible, moves horribly, and even sounds horrible because of the affected accent. It’s an atrocity. It makes me sad that this was the note RKO died on.

All I’m going to show you is the cover of the DVD release, and even that’s a goddamn disaster. If you insist on hurting yourself, I’m pretty sure this one’s on YouTube, and the owners of the intellectual property don’t give a shit because they know they created a masochist’s playground.

In July of 1996, TFTC was canceled. It was felt, perhaps rightfully, that the show had run its due course. The franchise lingered on for a while; there was a childrens’ version of the show (and an accompanying line of action figures), a Nickelodeon-style game show, and even a radio show in 2000 for Seeing Ear Theater. The Crypt Keeper hosted a couple events, notably 2013’s New Years Eve celebration on FEARnet (warning, pathetic)… but he wasn’t his old self. The wonders of the original puppet were lost, replaced by a cheap and toylike mannequin that barely moved.

Speaking of toys… this guy’s been with me since I was 11. When I go places, sometimes I pack him for good luck. And oh boy… has he been places. Also, shut up, the bathroom has the best lighting for shitty photos taken with a cell phone.

But let’s not remember that. Let’s remember the music video that shows him ogling a woman’s ass and using turntables.

Left to right: CK and Tom Hanks wonder what it must be like to be Tom Hanks; Whoopi stops in on CK’s talk show to set him straight; Arnold tries to put some meat on those old bones, to no avail.

Let’s remember one of CK’s trademarks: His terrible, awful puns.

Thanks for reading, Fright Fiends! October’s still got plenty of chills and thrills for the RetroMonster in all of you. Beware the full moon…

Sometime back in 2015 I told you about Wizards & Warriors, a well-remembered but ultimately so-so sword and sorcery title for the NES. The game did well at the retail counter, and was one of the titles that helped Rare establish itself as a name in NES game development. The whole concept of the sequel comes from wanting to cash back in on the original’s success; W&W‘s sequel was definitely a better game, and allowed its developers to make out like bandits. Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II is what the first one should have been: challenging without being ridiculous, and full of detail.

This time, Rare shook hands with Acclaim (for distribution/publishing) and a fellow UK company called Zippo Games to get the job done. The result is a game that plays very much like its prequel, but in many ways outstrips it. Rare was pretty much hands-off, simply licensing the concept and codebase to Zippo and allowing them to work mostly unsupervised to develop the finished product. Zippo had worked developing games for the C64 and Amiga, and felt the NES was a bit of a step backward; They eventually decided that while it wasn’t as advanced graphically, Nintendo’s console was set up to produce better-playing games than a home computer of the time. The Pickford brothers (the men behind Zippo) paid particular attention to making the game as graphically impressive as possible, transferring black and white sketches into character maps for the game. Many of the larger entities (bosses, etc.) are done by using the whole screen in conjunction with as few moving sprites as possible. This was meant to give the impression that the whole thing was alive.

Here we see the original Pickford sketch of the wind boss, and its translation into the game itself. The bottom image shows all the parts that were sprite-based, while all others were treated as background.

The story for this second installment of Wizards & Warriors pits the same protagonist against the same antagonist; Again we’re shown a nearly nude Kuros on the cover, this time depicted by the now-famous 90s model Fabio. True to form, Kuros puts on some clothes to battle Malkil a second time.

Dinner tray for a belt, looks like he’s gonna hit you with the flat part of the sword… Fabio at his absolute finest.

It’s not made perfectly clear what Malkil’s up to this time, but he’s pitted the elements themselves (air, fire, earth, water) against the bold warrior. Kuros must assemble the pieces of the legendary IronSword in order to battle Malkil on IceFire Mountain. To make it there, he must move through the domains of each element, presenting a golden object to each domain’s animal king to progress further. As the game goes on, Kuros will have to learn spells, get better equipment, and also do his best not to get his ass turned inside out by pretty much every living thing that isn’t an innkeeper. Thankfully, you’re not quite as much of a wet end as in the first game, and the hitmapping seems to be a bit better. You still flip and flop and fall like a ragdoll, but you’re a bit more in control of what you do when that’s not happening.

You’ll do a lot of falling, sometimes great distances, as you get used to the game… but this time you get to see Kuros’s dumb face while he suffers, at least until you find the helmet.

Speaking of innkeepers, that’s one of the novel concepts added to the game. Each level has an inn where you can buy food, keys, and sometimes a spell or other item. Food plays its time-honored digital role of replenishing your health, while keys do… well, what keys do. Usually the other item for sale is one you need to move forward, so there is a small element of “grinding” present in IronSword. Lastly, you can also gamble in the inn, winning or losing money in a game where you predict which cup a tiny skull will fall into. One of my favorite little details of this game is that when you walk into an inn with no money, the innkeeper grabs you by the seat of your pants and throws you out. It’s a nice touch of realism.

“THAT’S RIGHT, A LITTLE TASTE OF VEGAS, RIGHT HERE ON ICEFIRE MOUNTAIN. STEP RIGHT UP AND LOSE YOUR MONEY.”

Magic plays a strong role in the game. Some spells are purely utilitarian, like a waterspout that lifts you to high places. Others have use in combat, like the Asp’s Tongue spell that slows down enemies. Four of the spells are necessary to harm the four elemental bosses, and these must be found (usually in the second half of a given domain). You’ll also find things like helmets, better weapons (including, eventually, the titular IronSword), and treasure.

Like, have a nice day, man.

As much as the animal lords would like to help you, they do nothing to keep their subjects from constantly assaulting you at every angle. The very first level is full of eagles/hawks/whatever that seem to hate you for no reason, and the list of enemies just gets worse from there. The bosses are huge affairs that are mostly background imagery, but the effect is appreciable. Each boss seems incredibly large and intimidating.

As stated before, Zippo sought to push the limits with graphics on the NES; it’s arguable that they succeeded. Their experience with Amiga and C64 titles shows in this product. The music, composed by notable video game composer David Wise, is incredibly cool. It has a great thickness to it, and there’s a few tracks that really make you want to bop your head. I particularly like “Stage Theme 2.” You could rap over that. Well, I couldn’t, but you might be able to.

I grant Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II 9 out of 10. It’s a huge improvement on its prequel, a visually and musically impressive title, and one of the games worth adding to any NES enthusiast’s collection.

See you mid-month, and I’ve got a special article coming in late October about one of my favorite classic TV shows.

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It could be said that if you wanted to make a good profit with a video game, be it now or in the 80s or 90s, the “dragons and wizards” angle has never been a bad way to go. This is a culture that embraced Conan the Barbarian in film 46 years after his original author-creator’s death (the film came out in ’82, while Robert E. Howard died in 1936), and it’s the same culture that’s currently obsessed with Game of Thrones. My personal favorite medium for the genre, Dungeons & Dragons (which I never fail to mention whenever there’s even a remote reason to), is in its 5th edition of rules and still has a strong base of adherents. Barbarians, trolls, demon princes, and magic swords are perennially totally cool.

Ad for the TG-16 version, complete with absolutely lush fantasy art.

So is Cadash, a game I’d only heard of in passing, but that was mentioned to me in a recent conversation by a friend who has a distant interest in retro gaming. “If you’re into D&D but you like Golden Axe, too,” he said, “check out Cadash. It’s basically a mix of both.”

He wasn’t entirely on point, but his heart was in the right place. Cadash hit the arcades in 1989, so it was kicking around them the same time I started to; what surprises me more is how I missed the Genesis port in 1992. It was also released for the Turbo Grafx 16, which is how I recently subjected myself to it (since nearly every MAME32 emulator runs like utter shit on my computer). It’s a pretty fantastic game for its time, combining elements of the RPG and the platformer with some gnarly graphics. It’s got some pretty good sound to boot, but the arcade version seems to come out ahead in that regard.

From the intro of the Genesis port. The King demands that you kneel, but it’s no big deal if you have your sword out.

Cadash‘s story isn’t very complex, and you really wouldn’t want it to be: A demonic warlock born of a human woman has rallied the monsters of the underground kingdom, who have never forgotten their banishment by the humans. The overworld is nearly in ruins, and this warlock (called, with various spelling variables in the three versions, the Balrog) has kidnapped the daughter of the King of Dirzir to use in a ritual that would truly solidify his evil power and doom the human world. Of course, in the custom of video game RPG kings, the ruler of Dirzir has promised you his entire realm if you can save his daughter and finish the Balrog once and for all.

The 4-player cabinet. Ideal for corners, I guess.

The arcade version, if configured the right way, could handle up to four players, but the console versions were 1-2 player games. The players choose one of four classic fantasy RPG roles: the fighter, mage, priestess, or ninja. Each one has its ups and downs, but the game’s pretty approachable with any of the four. Single players might have a better time with the priestess though, as she’s got a good reach for her weaponry and a lot of defense-oriented powers. The fighter and the mage have a lot of offensive power, although the fighter’s much better early on and harder to kill. The ninja’s, well, a ninja. He moves very quickly and has some neat tricks up his sleeve. Sadly, the Genesis port has only the fighter and the mage, so if that’s how you experience Cadash, I hope one of those suits you.

Fighter has perfectly conditioned and brushed hair, but not one stitch of armor to speak of. At least everyone else brought their shit, Fabio.

Regardless of who you pick, you use gold from slain monsters to gradually beef up your equipment, and your capabilities increase as you gain levels as well. All of this progress is fueled by killing monsters, but you can’t just wander idly and do that all day (at least not in the arcade version)… there’s a time clock you have to keep feeding. This can be done with rare item drops or by dumping heinous gold at shops where you buy other stuff. This element adds another layer of strategy to the game, where a player or group must measure the clock against their need to level-grind. There’s not really a dull moment in Cadash.

Screenshots from various versions, offering a sample of what’s constantly trying to murder you beneath the ground. Click to enlarge.

The five areas of the game represent the already-conquered territory of the Balrog’s forces; you must fight your way through all of this, and not always in the most linear way either. For instance, at one point you have to double back and save a mermaid from a kraken to get an item that lets you breathe water… and then you can keep moving ahead by swimming through a flooded area. All said, none of it’s very confusing, and the action’s pretty engaging. You can swing your weapons in various directions, which is handy since there are a lot of foes who will come at you from above or below. A lot of the monsters bear superficial resemblance to the orcs, goblins and other standbys of fantasy media; others are just weird. You move through environments mundane and strange, from caves to villages to places where the whole floor is just crunched-up bones. The world of Cadash has heavy hitters too; periodically there’s a boss monster waiting to add your name to the hero obituary.

Satan’s seen worse than your Mardi Gras beads and your nightgown.

The graphics are very crisp and colorful, and seem to translate well to the console ports with very little loss of vibrancy. With an original palette of 4,096 colors, it’s not a drab game by any measure. Cadash also has decent sound, although SFX are sparing; the music is respectably well done, but sometimes seems a bit meandering. Some loops can even be a bit maddening, but that almost seems appropriate. Nitpicking aside, it’s worth exploring the soundtrack for the handful of good tunes in it.

Cadash merits a strong 8 out of 10. It’s a title I’m sorry I missed in arcades, but the gameplay I’ve seen for the arcade original leads me to believe that my experience on the TG-16 is pretty authentic. It’s a great melding of action and RPG elements, it’s got a lot to keep players engaged and sweating, and its over-the-top fantasy elements make it memorable among its contemporaries of the time.

Thanks, RetroFans! See you later in September for more!

 

 

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