Class of Nuke 'em High (1986)

Dear Retro-viewer,

From Troma the studio that brought you New Jersey's first superhero franchise The Toxic Avenger and other films such as Surf Nazis Must Die, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, Poultrygeist, Tromeo & Juliet and Cannibal the musical is this tale of irradiated hormones cotton swabbed with a drip of green juice; and pre-jizz. With Nightmare music by biohazard.

Directed by Haines, Herz & Kaufman. And starring no one you remember: Janelle Brady, Gil Brenton and Robert Prichard. Class of Nuke 'em High is the modern day teenage apocalypse story of young love defying the odds of social decay, government corruption, toxic holocaust, mutant creatures that thrive on violence and fat obnoxious local leaders - yes I am talking about the garden state of New Jersey. 

It's the Twilight of the northeast; The molecular Harry Potter; the Mister Wizard to your Bill Nye; it makes more sense then NOAH. It's dumber than a surfboard in space and harder than Mickey Mouse's donger  in a cheesy  fleshlight.  This ain't the made for TV version, no, this is the Directors Cut.


Somewhere in New Jersey, in the shadow of the Tromaville Utility Plant is the Tromaville High School just a stone throws away. Imagine the setting like you would your congressman's worst fears about the Keystone Pipeline. The air is barely fit to breathe, the drinking  water is impure and the looming threat of utter catastrophe is ever present. The students themselves aren't safe from the green danger. The honor society has mutated into a sex crazed gang of cretins, ordinary average teens are granted superhuman strength and teenage pregnancy is just a walk in the park. Filmed exclusively in Tromaville, NJ and featuring some milestone baguettes of  exceptionally practical special fx. There is not one pixel of computer graphics in this film (PCs were really expensive then). The fight scenes are fantastic. The accents are thick. Krissy's hot. It's good vs evil and screaming out loud from the wax museum of my memories staying awake and up late. Toxie Lives!!!

In summary - There are hot Jersey girls going to a school where the hideously bad kids prey on the really ugly kids and the shit hits every fan in the house.

Does the awkward kid get the girl? Who can stop the mutant-cretin menace? Will the world end as we  know it? Will anyone get laid? Does Boehner's tan ever fade? What have we become as a society and where are we going if not the drive-thru??

So in the meantime, put the soap in the basket, give up some chon chon, wax off the wax on, get comfortable and don't look at me Little puppet, the shows about to start. Keep your fingers firmly pressed on that rewind button. Because, I guarantee you that the upcoming few months will get rocky as I explore the Nega-verse of movies you thought were good but were just too young and too stupid to spot a lemon.

See yous soon retro-troopers!

Sam Haine.