We play video games. Don’t bug us about it.

As per the yearly protocol, our fearless leader has given us our marching orders and asked us to furnish our usual top-ten lists. I have done my best to compile for you a list of the best retro-themed games from this year. There weren’t a metric ton of titles released in that vein in 2020, but it was certainly quality over quantity. This spread was gathered from Steam, the Epic store, consoles, etc. in as broad a swathe as possible. If the graphics, play style, or just the feel qualified as retro, it went in the pile to be sorted. If you feel I’ve misplaced a game in the order, feel free to email me and bury a battle-axe in my buttocks, but it was hard to put the ten titles that survived the cut into an hierarchy, because any one of them could have been numero uno on this list. All ten are worth playing if you haven’t. Here goes!

Special thanks to Shini, Eric, and my other friends who helped me gather data on short notice out of the goodness of their hearts. I haven’t been on top of industry news (or my NRW email) this year because of everything else that’s been going on, so it was a blessing to be able to call on you for help. You answered it, and I am deeply thankful.

#10 Star Renegades

Developer: Massive Damage

This one is only so low on the list because its play style may not be for everyone, but it’s an amazing game and should not be overlooked. SR blends real-time strategy, traditional RPG, and roguelike elements into a cutting-edge yet retro-as-hell cocktail. The game is so pretty, and I also enjoy the mechanics for combat. While there is a storyline, many elements are procedurally generated as in a roguelike, so the replay value is insane. The only thing keeping this title from more mainstream popularity is its relative involvement level and complexity, as well as considerable difficulty. You could play it casually, but it’s “not for casuals.”

#9 Ultrakill

Developer: Arsi Patala

This game does two things right for a retro-FPS title. First off, it pays homage to its ancestors left and right without just being a clone or copy. Second, it completely kicks ass. Ultrakill is violent, colorful, action-packed, and just complex enough to provide some variance to the one thing you showed up for: VIOLENCE. The visual style, at its core, reminds me immediately of Quake II, and there isn’t a thing wrong with that because it travels in its own unique direction. Combine this with creative gameplay elements (you bathe in your enemies’ blood to regain health!) and a veritable crucible of clever FPS challenges throughout, and you have something the younguns and the greybeards like me can all appreciate. Ultrakill is a love letter to its own lineage, and it’s the most heartfelt, blood-soaked love letter one could hope for.

#8 Rogue Legacy 2

Developer: Cellar Door Games

The sequel to an already-amazing game, RL2 improves upon what its predecessor did and further blends the hardcore nature of the roguelike with dynamic gameplay to appeal to a wider audience of gamers. It has a cute look to it, a good balance of complexity and simplicity in its RPG-esque elements, enough randomization to spice things up, and an engaging platform-style base mechanic that is approachable without being too easy. You can tell a lot of love went into RL2, and it’s not just standing on its prequel’s head to look taller… it’s a wonderful game and it’s worth looking at in its own right. I especially enjoy how the sense of pervasive danger combines with the cartoonish art.

#7 Röki

Developer: Polygon Treehouse

Röki puts a strong focus on adventure, exploration, and puzzle-solving… but it is also such a fucking pretty game to look at. There is also a strong emphasis on story, which is conveyed through lovingly-animated and delightfully well-written cinematic sequences. Impatient gamers may think it moves too slowly, but Röki’s distantly related to those LucasArts story-games that so many of us adore. I risk sounding pretentious by saying this is a game for people who enjoy a little thinking. Beyond that, it has a distinct style and a very meaningful story to tell. If you’re looking for a change from the more prevalent smash-cut style of adventure game, Röki is essential for you.

#6 Streets of Rage 4

Developers: DotEmu, Lizard Cube, Guard Crush

We all remember the classic series of beat em up games Sega released for the Genesis. Colorful, exciting, and full of brawling action. This fourth installment is an appreciative and respectful revival of everything you loved about the original SoR series. The graphics are far more comic book than video game, but they are lovely and the animation is just as splendid. Blaze and Axel return along with some new friends to once again take the fight to the garishly-garbed punkers and miscreants wandering the city. Tiny elements of other classic fist-and-foot 90s gold finds its way in (for instance, you can get points for beating the shit out of a junked car, a shout to SFII’s bonus rounds). While SoR4 isn’t a truly new idea, it’s a very valuable and enjoyable re-imagining of a franchise we all hoped would eventually show itself again. It has not failed to impress.

#5 Huntdown

Developer: Easy Trigger Games

This brutal indie action game will have you believing you’re playing it on a Sega Genesis. Gritty yet popping with color and flash, Huntdown places you in a dark near-future chock full of neon and blood. The pixel-based art is exquisite and the gameplay is like if NARC or the RoboCop video games were actually fun to play. I must comment on one striking element: the amazing voicework and sound effects seem to converge with the game’s lower-tech visual feel instead of clashing with it. Throw in a simple but very entertaining storyline along with well-placed cinematic storytelling transitions, and you have a game that will appeal to any diehard fan of run-and-gun scrollers.

#4 Spelunky 2

Developers: Mossmouth, Blitworks

The sequel to an equally wonderful platform adventure game, Spelunky 2 hands the story over to the next generation of explorers as they explore the Moon’s interior on the hunt for their lost kin. There is a ton of variety, and not just because of procedural generation. You’ll find yourself consistently intrigued and challenged by new and weird environments, as well as tested by various threats along the way. I also like any game that features non-annoying tutorials, and I must say that Spelunky 2’s is just what it should be. Plus you get pets! I’m all about that.

#3 Carrion

Developer: Phobia Game Studio

This shit is my jam. Reverse-horror is a genre I could stand to see more of, no matter how much we already have of it. Carrion knocks it out of the park. Immense detail and a slew of wise design choices make this game difficult not to enjoy. It’s even fun to watch, because it’s almost framed like a horror/sci fi film. There is no escaping Carrion’s atmosphere, and crawling around eating terrified humans as a sentient bio-waste monster never really gets stale. This one’s another example where the sound is higher-fidelity than the pixel graphics, again to excellent effect. So little needs explanation, despite the concept being an unusual one in so many ways. Carrion is wrapped in a neat, blood-stained package for you to pick up and discover your inner monster.

#2 Death and Taxes

Developers: Placeholder Gameworks, Pineapple Works

An incredible, unique story in the form of a game, Death and Taxes features an incredible narrative told with an irreverent but gentle sense of humor. In this puzzle/simulation title, you are Death, the Grim Reaper. As it turns out, your job is more of an office grind than a constant scythe-toting hunt for souls, and the lives and deaths you govern form your paperwork. In Death and Taxes, your decisions directly affect the rest of the story in such a complex fashion that the game has at least 30 possible endings. Its image-by-image style speaks to the oldschool story games that were popular on the PC-98 and Sharp x68000 computers in the 1990s. What’s different is the amazing artwork style and the fluidity created by the nuanced story design. Along with Röki, This is one for the thinkers… but it’s also lovely if you just like games that bother to tell a story.

#1 Spiritfarer

Developer: Thunder Lotus Games

“Spiritfarer is a cozy management game about death.”

Not my words. That is how the developer describes this fucking unspeakable work of high art. And they’re not being cute or edgy. In Spiritfarer, you play the skipper of a ferry that takes the souls of the dead to the hereafter. The art and visuals for this game are matched by its lovely dialogue and engaging management-based activities. You feel very much like you’re part of the meaningful story being told, and yet the game’s focus is mostly on its themes and message, not you. You’re a cast member, not necessarily the star, and you won’t mind at all because Spiritfarer isn’t just a game. It’s high art. Play this and get lost in it.

—

2020 has been a son of a bitch. Here’s hoping 2021 is brighter and better. I am proud of all of us for making it through, and I sincerely hope all of you NRW readers have a delightful holiday season full of love and merriment.

Oh, and stay retro!

To the uninitiated, this sounds like something to be discarded. Something to be disregarded. Maybe even something gross. A wad of what? Snot? Toilet paper?

To those of us with some culture, WAD stands for “Where is All the Data?” It’s the file extension and format used by DOOM (1993) and all games using that engine when it comes to the raw game data. It is also the format used for add-ons, with the exception of modern source ports which often use the pk3 extension. Many Doom fanatics still usually call any add-on or swap a “wad,” though. It’s force of habit. At this writing, roughly 27 years of habit. We’re not breaking it now.

Ever since 1994 or so, when rabid Doom players began making their own levels for the game, there has been a more or less endless flow of WADs. While DOOM.WAD is called an IWAD or “internal wad,” These user-created files are “patch wads,” or PWADs.

I’m talking about those little PWADs today. Well, not all of them. I’d need several lifetimes, and I’d want to spend those several lifetimes doing something more productive, like learning to turn lead into gold or slowly forming a worldwide shadow empire with me on its hidden throne. I’ll stick to three PWADs today. None of them are just maps/levels, although one or more of them do add or change the layout of levels. These are WADs that alter gameplay in some way.

Note: I am playing/testing these wads and mods using GZDoom, and unless otherwise noted, a similar source port is best for optimal results.

Lasting Light (2013)

Author/Creator: Ral22

Link: https://forum.zdoom.org/viewtopic.php?t=37786

This is a fantastic example of a .pk3 file that turns Doom into a new game with minimal tampering. The maps are dark except for your lantern, which requires oil to keep lit. This oil can be found in little cans that seem to be the only pickups available, not to mention how sparse they are. And trust me, it’s better to keep that lantern lit… except when it isn’t.

You see, three different entities are skulking about in the dark, waiting to terrorize the living shit out of you. All of them react and behave differently. The Screecher can’t hurt you if you don’t look at it, but it makes itself pretty fucking hard not to look at by placing itself directly in your line of site suddenly and scaring the pants off you. The Creeper actually gets pissed off when you roll up with your lantern lit, but will leave you alone if it’s dark (which leaves you vulnerable to the asshole Screecher). The Stalker doesn’t give a shit if your light is lit. She just wants to murder you and you need to run and break line of sight as long as you can.

What? Yes, you are utterly defenseless. I know, that’s hard to accept when you’re playing Doom. Once I got over it, I actually found this mod really entertaining. It’s a creative little set of changes that totally turns Doom on its head and it made episode 1 of Doom into a challenge again. The music and atmosphere are really effective, and you’ll be jumping despite yourself when you get taken unawares.

Extreme Weapons Pack (2013)

Author/Creator: Doggo120

Link: https://forum.zdoom.org/viewtopic.php?t=37611

This one seems to only work with DOOM2.WAD and is barely a mod. It seems more like high-effort trolling. I’m not even in doubt. That’s exactly what it is. But it gave me a laugh when I first found it. Then I looked at the Zdoom forum topic (link above) and it’s not only a joke, but a fairly popular one. I’m a fan.

This mod makes the game considerably more challenging, and it does this by giving you the goofiest weapons possible. Your starting pistol will fire, at best, 3-4 shots (usually 1 shot) before requiring a good cleaning. Your normal shotgun pretty much doesn’t fire, and the double barrel one spins you around (the barrels are uneven) and takes forever to reload. The Chaingun takes a while to wind up (like an old school WW1 rotary gun) and fires at a pretty clumsy rate. It also has significant kickback. The rocket launcher fires slow-motion rockets that are usually duds. The plasma rifle is a vacuum cleaner. The BFG is… well, it’s faulty. Comically faulty.

The chainsaw is replaced by an electric toothbrush, which is probably the least ineffective of all the mod’s weapons, interestingly enough. As someone who appreciates (and sometimes engages in) alpha-level trolling/griefing, I find myself oddly in love with this hilarious piece of shit. It’s funny. I’d recommend sparing yourself the tedium of trying to beat Doom II with this mod, though. I’m sure it’s possible, but the joke wears thin well before that point unless you’re the right kind of insane (I’m not).

Diaz: Last Hours of Purity (2008)

Author/Creator: wildweasel

Link: https://www.doomworld.com/files/file/15465-diaz-last-hours-of-purity-ww-hits-collection/

I really enjoy this one. It’s a non-shitty attempt to create an entirely separate narrative, connected to the base Doom lore, but with a different storyline and character. From the lore text file (and I love that there is one):

The Research Crimes Prevention Agency (RCPA) is targeting the UAC over their controversially unethical research. Agent Diaz is sent as a peacekeeper to oversee their latest experiment, and to see if the evidence is correct. But of course, everything’s gone to Hell before she even gets there…

The mod itself features some excellent weapons with good implementation of more contemporary reloading and recoil mechanics. I especially enjoy the Mauser rifle and the big clunky revolver. The enemies are a handful and a half too. D:LHP replaces the standard, clumsy humanoid zombiemen with living, lethal soldiers (including a berserk experimental soldier with cyber-psychic enhancements that you can also use if they drop the module when they die). This mod makes Doom a bit more dangerous to play without being ridiculous about it, and it’s another mod that makes episode 1 of the original Doom a challenge again for this old jackal who knows the maps by muscle memory. It smooths the curve by making what used to be minor threats into things that can (and will) kill you. And don’t fucking forget to reload or you’re dead. Many of your weapons can be alt-fired as bludgeons, but they’re slow and don’t do much. Keep your weapons loaded and conserve ammo.

I’m reluctant to rate them, since many Doom WADs are a matter of taste. However, I like my own opinions about everything and you should too because my opinions are the best. So here goes.

LASTING LIGHT: 8/10 (Good concept, totally different gameplay that flips Doom’s axis completely in a refreshing way)

EWP: 6/10 (It’s a joke WAD, but it’s a pretty funny joke WAD)

DIAZ: 8/10 (Still Doom, but very different Doom, I feel like it’s a nice halfway point between Doom and modern FPS games)

Final note: some pedantic jerkwad on Discord tried to give me shit about my use of semicolons. I avoided using a single one in this article, just for you, jerkwad. I hope this gesture helps you heal and move forward.

In a couple of days you’ll be seeing another tabletop RPG article, but I felt like I owed you a video game article first. Stay Retro!

I’ve heard this more often lately. A lot of my friends and acquaintances suddenly have a much more open-minded opinion about my hobby now that everyone’s been forced into bored desperation. But one thing I’ve never been is a gatekeeper. I’m always eager to discuss tabletop RPGs with anyone who displays curiosity about them.

“Which system should I play?”

Now, there’s the important question, and it deserves a well-thought-out answer. There isn’t just Dungeons & Dragons. There are tons of popular systems on the market; some are genre-specific or cater to a preferred play style, and some are so amazingly simple or versatile that they can adapt to any story you and your friends want to play out. With tools like Roll20, Fantasy Grounds, etc., it is still totally feasible to play tabletop RPGs even if you and your crew don’t feel safe gathering in person yet. So, for those who have been thinking about it but haven’t gotten their feet wet yet, I’ve decided to run down the pros and cons of a few game systems worth your attention while you consider your options. This will be a multi-part series, and in this first part, I’m gonna bite into three of the rules sets I’ve been using in my two online gaming groups. Two of them are well-known, the third not so much. All three are a lot of fun and I encourage you to look into them beyond the scope of this article if you have interest in tabletop role playing.

Note: I have not provided hyperlinks to anywhere you can buy books, for two reasons. Firstly, reviewers shouldn’t do that without compensation from whoever they do that for, Secondly, if you’re actually interested in any of this, you’ll open a tab and do some Google searches. You’re grown. I may include hyperlinks to sites hosting Open Gaming License content (the parts of some game systems considered “fair use” or “public domain”) but, if and when you decide to buy the books, you do your own shopping and find a deal because this shit can be expensive.

5^th Edition Dungeons & Dragons (the current edition)

Wizards of the Coast

5^th edition (5e) D&D is the culmination of decades’ worth of development. This is the game that started a hobby. Luckily for you beginners, 5e is also both easy to learn and extremely popular among tabletop gamers of all experience levels.

The rules have been written with simplicity and inclusiveness in mind, and the rules set hasn’t been subject to quite as much uncontrolled growth as previous editions. Most of what WotC has been publishing for 5e has been campaign material and adventure modules – stuff meant to save Dungeon Masters work instead of more rules and expansions to keep track of (and worry about game balance because of). You still get to play with all the colorful different-shaped dice and the game still “feels” like D&D to everyone, but the math is kept simple and the rules are just clear enough to allow for easy play. The vagueness can also be a drawback, but in a game like this, the DM will want a little leeway to make rulings on the fly. The action can be as deadly (or non-deadly) as the group’s taste dictates. What’s more, there is a bustling organized-play community (both online and at gaming shops, put on your mask and go, it’s worth it) that can help introduce new players to the game and aid in finding peer groups for more casual play. You don’t even need to invest in the books first. Try it before you spend anything. That’s one major roadblock for potential new players; the game can seem prohibitive when the MSRP for a book is about $50 USD (its one major drawback, and one that it shares with certain other systems).

5e is what I’d recommend as the “first taste” for people curious about the hobby. You’ll at least understand what’s going on after observing gameplay for a few minutes. It’s also easy to try out being Dungeon Master; 5e’s Dungeon Master Guide is actually a guide instead of just a collection of data, something that sadly cannot be said of that book in earlier editions of the game. “Approachable” is the keyword here. If you find yourself craving “crunchier” rules that allow for more customization, or just want a ton more to choose from on either side of the DM screen… cut your teeth on this first and then try something like Pathfinder. However, if you like the idea of a rule set whose fully intended purpose is to stay as far out of the story’s way as possible, 5e is a fantastic choice.

Pathfinder 1e

Paizo

Pathfinder, easily the most option-rich (while still playable) tabletop system in the fantasy genre, is so customizable and adaptable that it’s not even that firmly glued to that genre if you don’t want it to be. Among what I’d call intermediate tabletop gamers – those who want more substance than 5e D&D offers but who don’t want to get out their calculators to play fucking Battletech – Pathfinder 1e is the go-to system.

As a player, you can build just about anything with these rules if all of the splatbooks (books containing expanded or new rules) are allowed; witches, psychics, fist-fighting lizard people, half-elemental martial artists, even gunslingers or magical androids… and that’s just some of what I’ve seen and done. Pathfinder is based on the 3.5 edition of D&D’s core rules, which were also very customization-friendly but needed a streamlining overhaul. That’s exactly what Paizo did.

For those new to Pathfinder, I offer this advice: if you have more experienced Pathfinder players in your play group, ask them for advice about building characters. While 5e D&D makes it hard to come up with an unplayable character, making haphazard character-building choices in PF can lead to you not really enjoying yourself if the rest of the group has successfully put together “optimized” builds. This is a more involved and intricate system, but the math and mechanics are still easy to pick up and will still seem reasonable when you witness them in real time play.

PF 1e’s only other major drawback, which mostly affects those who are still getting used to it, was best described by one of my fellow players as “analysis paralysis.” This is also referred to as “embarrassment of wealth.” There are so many choices, options, races/classes, etc. that it can hang you up if you aren’t used to swimming through it on your own. Do not be overwhelmed; ask for advice. While PF takes a little time to warm up to, it is a lot of fun and lets players really open it up and take it out on the highway in terms of creativity once they’re familiar with it.

Iron Heroes

Monte Cook/Malhavoc Press

Another cleaned-up iteration of D&D’s 3.5e rules, Iron Heroes is designed for low-magic play with an emphasis on action-packed combat and a “sword and sorcery” feel reminiscent of pulp fantasy like the works of Fritz Lieber and Robert E Howard. In fact, I currently run a campaign using this rule set that is based heavily on Howard’s Conan stories, and this system is beautiful for that type of thing.

Combat is the focus of Iron Heroes, and every character class reflects its own general approach to murdering your foes. You can be clever, brutal, sneaky, versatile, you name it. The exception is the Thief class, which places far more emphasis on indirect problem solving (social manipulation, scheming, etc.) but still manages to hold its own in a fight. Magic-using characters are typically used as villains in campaigns using these rules, and almost never permitted as player characters.

Unlike many fantasy systems out there,armor doesn’t serve to negate a hit in combat. It instead helps mitigate damage taken. In exchange, characters’ defensive capabilities are directly tied to a class-based bonus. I mean, take Conan for an example: the dude is rarely depicted wearing armor, and tends to stay alive and relatively unhurt due to his sheer rippling badass battle prowess. You are all warriors in Iron Heroes; it’s just that “warrior” is more broadly defined and allows for a a lot of different play styles. A token-based system allows for great deeds of martial heroism without magic, and a multi-tiered system of “feats” (custom ability trees meant to reflect different sets of tactics) enable characters to specialize or generalize while playing around with the elaborate-but-sensible combat rules. There is a lot that goes into Iron Heroes, but it is easy for players to unpack as they go and mostly fits in the one book (though a Player’s Companion is available with a few expanded options). Game Masters will find the last chapters of the book very enlightening, especially the guidelines for adapting material from other d20 System sources (3.5, etc.). My favorite thing about Iron Heroes is that you really only need the Core Rulebook and a touch of creativity to make a really fun world for your swordsmen, amazons, archers and ruffians to explore (and paint red with the blood of their foes).

If your group wants to capture that gritty, raw feel of things like the Conan Saga or even Game of Thrones, this system is worth looking into. It’s a great system if you try other fantasy stuff and you discover that you enjoy the feel of a trusty sword-arm over the sometimes overwhelming flash of spells and sorcery.

In the next installment, we’ll examine a few systems that branch out from standard fantasy into other genres. You’ll likely get a video game-related article in the meantime. Everyone keep your heads up, stay sane and safe, and most importantly, stay retro.

Special thanks to Jonah Skrove (whose own works deserves a look), Zach Copic, Ben Pearce, and Quentin Walker.

Werewolf: The Last Warrior

Data East, 1990

So let me start off with one for the NES, since I just said that.

Data East made a game about a werewolf with swords for hands and released it in North America several months before releasing it at home in Japan. I like to imagine that the conversation leading up to this decision involved the statement, “the Americans will eat this shit up.” That’s what I’d say. And I’m American. We love our nacho hot dogs and our spicy-ranch burger nuggets, and we love our idea mashups too. We’re basically a nation of five-year-olds. I’m lumping myself in too, don’t worry. I am thirty-seven years old and still struggle with the idea that I’m not supposed to eat cake as a meal. I’m not looking down my nose at anyone here. Especially since the idea of a werewolf with swords for hands is pretty fucking cool.

I, a proud American, am in fact eating this shit up.

There is a plot, but you can throw it in the trash along with the cellophane the box came wrapped in. Something about an evil doctor who takes over the world with mutants and how the world’s last hope is some werewolf with swords for hands. You have an ANGER METER that you fill with bubbles to get stronger/jump higher, and you pick up W’s to transition from man to beast and back. Being a man sucks. Be the beast. The beast that can still totally handle ladders with his sword hands and whose hourglass figure is the envy of all the ladies about town.

Pictured: them hips and them knife-hands totally working it… into a sewer.

I have no real complaints about Werewolf: The Last Warrior, nor does it really distinguish itself too strongly in terms of presentation. It has some pretty cool cinematic bumps in between levels, but after a little while it gets irritating to start a level and have a cut scene immediately interrupt it after you take like three fucking steps. I enjoy the separate mechanics of being a werewolf and being really fucking mad. Our hero can be absolutely furious AND/OR be a ravenous wolf-man, and I think it’s important to teach young people that being as pissed off as possible gives you superhuman power independent of any separate moon-shifting curse you may have. It’s part of the human condition. The music and sound are adequate, and most importantly, the fun factor is there. I got tired of WTLW less quickly than I expected. 7 out of 10 for a novel (if silly) concept done decently.

Cross Fire

Sanritsu Denki/Kyugo, 1990

Imagine if Contra kind of sucked. That’s Cross Fire.

I’m sticking with “kind of sucked” because this game is playable. It’s just not as awesome as Contra and made me want to play Contra again instead. It makes me imagine an executive showing Contra to some desperate and underpaid developers and suggesting they also make Contra. Compared to the werewolf with sword hands idea, this is fucking shameful. So, to risk sounding repetitive here: it’s Contra with a life bar, and instead of defeating an alien menace intent on ruling the world, you’re just some soldier asshole who “fights evil” (looks for trouble) worldwide. But be ready to basically play a slower Contra with shittier everything.

This is to art what a hammer is to a delicate porcelain plate.

I won’t call the graphics terrible, but I could. What I will call them, out loud and with a sneer on my face, is lazy. This is low-effort shit for 1990, and I’m including placement in that assessment, not just quality. Your audio experience will not be much better. Fuck it, it won’t be any better at all. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. I will give Cross Fire one positive appraisal: it isn’t totally unplayable if you can deal with:

1) looking at it

2) hearing it

3) feeling vaguely insulted by it

It doesn’t totally suck. It just mostly sucks, and only because it was allowed to. 4 out of 10 out of sheer contempt for Cross Fire.

Atomic Runner Chelnov

Data East, 1988

In real life, the only powers that radiation will give you are the superhuman power to always be sick and the special ability to eventually die of radiation. Chelnov is another classic example of the trope we’ve never truly let die: a man who became a superhero instead of a charred corpse or a short-term hospice patient due to nuclear radiation. He’s an Atomic Runner now, and he’s running for his goddamned life from the KGB or some other “secret organization” that wants his powers for evil. Slings and arrows, man. Every fucking time.

I don’t feel like it’s entirely outlandish that this makes me uncomfortable on some small level.

I know this is a forced-scrolling game, but it’s still very much a platformer; it’s like playing those “athletic” self-scrolling Mario levels in sequence while Data East throws some giant zombie arms and metal-helmeted fire dinosaurs in there for good measure. The scrolling only stops when it’s boss time. There are a variety of weapons and power ups (six counts as variety, shut up) to find, and you’ll want them. Part of what’s so fun about this game is just looking at it; both the arcade and Mega Drive versions are gorgeous for their time, especially some of the background art like the weird person-tree jungle and the Aztec-esque temple area. Chelnov also offers fantastic gameplay, combining a little bit of constant pressure (the nonstop movement) with a ton of action (everything is intent on murdering you, as usual).

My only complaint about it is possible burnout; I’m glad I took a shot at it on emulator so I could save my game state, just so I had a few minutes to look away now and again. I cannot imagine playing this shit in the arcade. Not only do I hate being watched by strangers, I also sweat at the most inopportune times and I’m sure I’d look like a Butterball turkey in a convection oven while playing this. 8 out of 10.

The Incredible Hulk

Probe, 1994

“At least it’s not any Spider-Man game.”

I am so tired of superhero-themed shit, especially the Marvel Cinematic Universe we’ve had force-marketed to us as a combo of sociopolitical “message” and barely-written entertainment. Feel free to email me if you would like to defend milady Marvel Comics at court. I have always liked the Hulk, though. The Hulk gets shit done in perhaps the most honest and cathartic way of any of Marvel’s woke-soap-opera characters: by absolutely losing his shit and stomping the bad guys a new asshole.

Pictured: Hulk tearing Abomination a new, improved, second asshole.

This is one of the few playable early-console-era games licensed by Marvel. I’ve talked about LJN and their sins against us ever since I started writing for NRW, and I will let God smash the gavel on that shit. This game is decent, despite being published by the eternal shit-puddle U.S. Gold. Probe kept this game simple without making it too vanilla. When you give me a controller and the Hulk is on the other end of it, I expect to be tearing shit up worse than Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel on a bender.

You don’t really get that here, but what you do get is a game where the Hulk isn’t a hapless clumsy asshole like every digital version of Spider-Man you saw during this era (except Maximum Carnage, that was fairly good). They can’t have you tearing down buildings all over the place or taking antitank rounds to the chest while laughing, but the Hulk still feels pretty Hulky. You get a decent set of special moves to beat up the Leader’s robots with, including bear hugs, head butts, and a very MK-esque uppercut. It is also decently difficult to harm the Hulk, despite his invulnerability being watered down for a video game. Things don’t get too challenging until they get weird later on in places like space. That’s where shit should start getting challenging for anyone.

Everything looks great, very much arcade-quality without diverging too far from the comics feel of the source material. The Hulk’s walk is kind of goofy, this weird arrogant stomp-march, but I guess he can walk however he wants. He’s the Hulk. Non-shitty digitized sounds are accompanied by an OST that sounds vaguely like the one for Sonic Spinball here and there (which is far from a negative thing). 8 out of 10.

Jewel Master

Sega, 1991

This game is totally my kind of shit. Deep-ass fantasy lore intro (here is a link), elemental magic, a demon lord… shit, what else do you want?

You punch fireballs out of your hands and collect elemental rings to combine for use in your mystical ass-kicking of evil. If you ever played Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, it’s a bit like the DSS Card System, but way less frustrating and slow to build. Another neat angle is how certain types of monsters may be more or less vulnerable to certain elemental attacks; it’s a small but welcome element of basic strategy that adds a bit of additional satisfaction to giving the demon king’s minions an ass whooping.

This dragon doesn’t stand a chance against me in the dance-off.

Like too few of its run-and-shoot platformer buddies, Jewel Master allows the player to aim and shoot upward, instead of just having things come at you from overhead and fuck you up while you sort of waggle your arms forward like John McCain and look foolish. I will never stop dunking on two things in this world: politicians and Mega Man.

It’s a Genesis game developed by Sega, so Jewel Master is pretty damn good all across the board. Its audiovisual artisanship is on par with arcade games of the era, as one would expect from the console itself, let alone games made by the console’s developer. The composer was apparently really into prog-rock, and it sort of shows in the soundtrack, which is probably my favorite part of Jewel Master by a nose. 8 out of 10.

That finishes out May, RetroFans. See you in June! Stay Retro!

Video gaming is nothing without its heroes or villains, but what about those “friends” the Big Evil Bad Guy has filling up warehouse districts and mushroom kingdoms all across the multiverse? Without goons and henchmen, the Ganons and Bowsers of the world wouldn’t stand a chance. Dudes like Dr. Wiley would be issuing ultimatums at sunset and getting their shit pushed in by dawn. Let’s give a little love to the ubiquitous “baddie.” We’re going to have a look at some of the more colorful guys, gals, monsters and robots who decided that under-the-table cash from a cartoon psychopath sounded better than the drive-thru or the Merchant Marine. This will likely be a multi-part series, but I’ll do five at a time. Get out your autograph books!

I was kidding, you fucking nerd. Put that shit away and pay attention.

—

Special thanks today to the people on various websites who rip every sprite out of every game, thus making this an easy image hunt. Also thanks to Jakub Steiner for showing me that you can, in fact, make animated gifs in GIMP, and that it’s not that hard. My dumb ass just never knew it was there. Mind like a steel trap. Anyway…

—

BLARGG/LAVA MONSTER

Super Mario World, 1990

Blargg’s responsibility of swimming through molten rock isn’t difficult in terms of complexity or stress level. He’s just the only one on the crew who’s able to survive doing it. You can tell on his face that he doesn’t give a fuck. His job’s secure. His job is easy (for him). And you know what? It’s fun. At least he can make it fun.

I’ve always appreciated the look on this character’s face. To this day, when playing through SMW, I can’t suppress a laugh when I see his ol’ razzle-dazzlin’ ass lurch upward from the lake of fire. Blargg, you make lava a not so bad place to hang out… unless you’re killing me, in which case, you can go fuck yourself.

FLEAMAN/HUNCHBACK

Castlevania series, 1986 – present

I have played the Castlevania games for more than twenty years now, and this little bastard’s weird jumping behavior still gives me apoplexy about half the time. I don’t think “hunchback” is a terribly nice thing to say about someone who can’t help being shaped like an unspeakably ugly Fibonacci swirl, so we’ll call him Fleaman (his name in later titles in the series). Fleaman is a professional, fully bonded and accredited asshole. He is a state-registered, card-carrying, world-class piece of shit. I think Fleaman bites you to hurt you, but since all most enemies in Castlevania have to do is touch you, he could just be doing that. Gently pressing the palm of his hand on your chest while you scream in agony.

The best part about his little animations is that he’s very clearly laughing at you. Simon Belmont, you may think you’re a bad motherfucker, but this freaky little dude slightly larger than a house cat will just start bouncing around when you show up, giggling at you like you just told a joke. Stow the Vampire Killer whip for these guys and just get a good 12-gauge shotgun and some buckshot.

In later installments of the series (SotN for example), Fleaman even gets some gear upgrades. Dracula issues him a pint-sized suit of plate armor and an axe twice that must weigh more than three of him. He makes it work, trust me. Fleaman will never look a gift horse in the mouth. If you’re giving him something to murder with, his arms are wide open.

Fuck these guys, but they’re also a fantastic poster-child for the concept that Castlevania monsters take their employment with Dracula very seriously. Who the fuck wouldn’t? If your boss was a legendary ancient vampire with unspeakable magical powers, the combination of leadership morale and piss-dribble terror would be pretty motivating.

THIS STUPID WITCH OR LEPER OR LIZARD PERSON OR WHATEVER

Ninja Gaiden (NES version), 1988

Projectile attacks from enemies in video games are capable of devastating fuckery, especially when one is trying to jump, dispatch more immediate threats, and generally not die. The Hammer Brothers are well-known pros, but whatever this thing from Ninja Gaiden is supposed to be, it’s got them handily outclassed in two ways:

• Placement/Position

• Adding insult to injury by knocking me backward mid-jump with what looks like a wooden toy sword so that I fall off-screen

My mind sees this thing and immediately assumes it’s female, not even because of the pink robe or because the green skin screams “Halloween witch.” I can’t find the names of any Ninja Gaiden NES enemies besides the bosses. Here’s my head-canon/theory for a 32-year-old NES game:

—

Sewer Bitch was born with the green skin of a mythological hag, but sadly she had no talent for black magic, nor for the morally ambiguous soup recipes. She couldn’t even use a cauldron without burning her knees while she stirred it. Seething with dysphoric wanderlust, Sewer Bitch left the bright lights and chrome lining of hag society, taking up residence in a sewer (hence the name). To further divorce herself from her peers, she discarded the designer leopard-skin-print leotard worn by all modern hags. A soiled old white bedsheet, tinged pink from probably having been washed with someone’s color load, would serve her purposes much better.

To arm herself against the omnipresent rats, the outcast spent years of her idle hours gathering property stakes and packing twine in order to fashion some weapons. Not being terribly bright, and having seen someone play Legend of Zelda once on a rainy night through their bedroom window, Sewer Bitch handmade hundreds of crude, ungainly wooden “swords.” At first, opponents and onlookers would mock. Oh, how they would mock… but Sewer Bitch knew something they didn’t and couldn’t know. She’d alley-oop that chunk of wood upward as if granny-shooting a basketball, and the dumb bastards would inevitably walk right into it.

Eventually, the strange talents of the filthy monster-woman came to the attention of Jacquio, who hired her on the spot.

“Just stay here on this one impossibly tall pillar,” the demonic sorcerer told her. “Move back and forth a little bit, sure, but there’s not much point. Just keep dropping your shitty wooden knives into the space between this one and the one to your left. Ryu Hyabusa won’t even know what to do. He’ll just turn around and go home.”

—

SMILING TRAMPOLINE (I KNOW IT’S NOT AN ENEMY, IT HELPS YOU, SHUT UP, I’M STILL PICKING IT)

Felix the Cat (NES), 1992

I really can’t help but admire, even envy this fella. He’s a little springboard Felix can jump on to get some extra height, usually so Felix can find giant bags in the sky and crawl into them. Trampy (his name for the purpose of this article) doesn’t worry too much about that. He doesn’t need to know what the cat does inside the giant floating bag. He’s happy right where he is. Joyous, even.

This sentient, sapient being’s sole function in life is to literally wait for Felix (or God forbid, someone else) to jump on him. The poor bastard exists to be stepped on. There’s no better way to phrase it.

And he’s fucking smiling.

Trampy, I hope you’re still doing well, wherever you are. I hope you’re still smiling out there, giving cheerfully of yourself without any expectations of compensation, living a life of friendly altruism in some pleasant 8-bit meadow. You always helped me when I needed you, and when Felix needed more tiny round pictures of himself so that he could finally transform his weird little car into an even weirder tank. I ain’t even tryin’ to talk shit on you, my man. Stay golden. I just wanted everyone to see you shine. You’re beautiful.

BUBBLE (YES, IT’S CALLED BUBBLE, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE)

Legend of Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, 1987

Zelda II is a fucking abusive game. If Zelda II were a human father, he’d never wear a belt, because it’d never leave his raw-knuckled fist. Zelda II is swinging the buckle end because it’s had too much to drink again. The two types of Bubble behavior exemplify the game’s needless cruelty perfectly. Normally, Bubbles move in a fairly slow diagonal pattern in the Palace areas, bouncing from floor to ceiling. They can be a pain in the ass when the ceiling is low, but otherwise they’re manageable. Bubbles can even be killed for 50 XP, as opposed to their antecedents in the first game, who cannot.

So first of all, let’s clear this up right now: while you can kill them, choosing to do so is both time-consuming and risky. They drain life and magic, so they aren’t really to be fucked with unless your Zelda II skills are tight as a drum or you have some ready means of recovery handy that being drained of magic won’t fuck up for you. You have to get pretty close to them even with Link’s fully-charged sword, and every split fucking second a Bubble isn’t being hit, it’s moving… toward you.

That brings me to my second observation… some of the little floating skully bois move with an alacrity that would make a hummingbird pack up its shit, forfeit, and go home to cry. They travel in the same 45° bumper-path, just much faster. That’s really all the Bubble requires in order to be to be scary in Zelda II. Catching one of these in a low-ceiling walkway is more stressful than being audited by the IRS while your house is on fire and you’re trapped inside it. Best of luck. When multiple slow and fast Bubbles occupy an area, you’re in for a real Kentucky-fried shitfest. Just spread ’em and think of Hyrule, Link.

Thank you for tuning in once again, boils and ghouls.

And if you ever wonder what kind of shit I get up to when I’m not here, you know where to find me.

(there’s a hyperlink in the text, please don’t come to my house you animals)

Stay Retro!

Games aren’t necessarily electronic or even mechanically complex. We talk a lot about classic video games here, but the tabletop gets sorely neglected, and I aim to correct that. A poll or two, along with the resurgence of board games and the retro-hipness of D&D placing it back in the nerd limelight, has led me to try something new for 2020. Yes, it’s an excuse to write about D&D, but I will also discuss classic board games and other unplugged entertainment from the 80s and 90s. The focus will primarily be on products/topics from that era, although games that capture that same spirit or theme may be discussed regardless of when they were published.

For my first sojourn into this new analog realm, I will stick with a topic both comfortable and familiar to me: Dungeons & Dragons. However, I won’t be writing about the game’s current (5^th) edition or even my favorite (2^nd edition “Advanced”). Today we’re going all the way back to the first official published version of the rules, which was derived from wargaming rules and printed in plain white booklets by E. Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson. The original wargame was called Chainmail, and was used by the Castle & Crusade Society, a gaming group that included Gygax and Arneson. D&D grew from the idea that a fantasy wargame could be scaled down to focus on one Fellowship-of-the-Ring-style group of adventurers, plumbing ancient “dungeons” for treasure while fighting to survive the creatures and traps within. Arneson had much more to do with the idea itself, having written a campaign for his Twin Cities gaming club. Gygax did his best to organize, structure, and fill in gaps. The “end result” is something that in 2020 would most likely be considered “trash” but at the time of its 1974 publishing was a brand new game… a brand new type of game. These paper booklets and the rules within planted a seed that grows to this day, despite ups and downs, Satanism scares, several changes in ownership, and the fact that it requires more effort than Madden or Netflix.

A far cry from the modern product, the original form of D&D is barely playable, but that doesn’t stop it from holding a place in many an old nerd’s heart. Original D&D is uncompromising, unforgiving, and seemingly unfinished… but we will cover these original books in a series. First, let’s dive into Book I: Men and Magic!

This booklet (allegedly) contains all the info and rules players need to create their heroes and play the game. The introduction starts off with Gygax almost sounding relieved that we’ve purchased the product, half-admitting the rules aren’t finished and flattering us for buying the book in nearly the same breath.

The book also contains some incredibly questionable art; it must be assumed that this was published on a pretty punk-rock budget. Even by that standard, some of this art is abysmal. All black & white art is from the booklet.

ORC, BY BILLY, AGE 5

The first section beyond the intro and description of the game itself details the basic options for player characters: which of the three classes (jobs) will you be; and will you be human, or some kind of squashy man, or even a little hey nonny nonny pointy ear man? Let’s break down the choices.

FIGHTING-MAN

This became “fighter” later when the people making this game decided that one day, theoretically, women could conceivably take interest in huddling around card tables in basements pretending to kill goblins. In most fiction, warriors are pretty badass; in OD&D, a fighting-man is the career you choose when none of the others pan out. It’s not a terrible gig, and it’s obviously good for those new to RPGs since the class has only two main assets to track: how close you are to death and how well you’re familiarizing your enemies with it.

Not from the booklet, instead from the cover of Dragon Magazine #109. Artist: Daniel Horne.

PROS: You can end up with more hit points than other characters. You can use armor and weapons the other classes can’t, which seems badass until the exact moment the magic-user gets Fireball. You also have a slightly more favorable “to hit number” on the charts used in-game, so you’re a bit more handy at actually hurting your enemies with weapons. You level up quickly, requiring less experience points than Magic Users and Clerics, who actually have to learn new shit as they get stronger. Lastly, and yes this is built into early versions of the game: once you reach a certain level, you may build a stronghold and tax people as a baron. Sounds exciting if you like doing accounting with fake coins and roleplaying a cog in the miserable wheel of feudalism.

CONS: You can’t cast spells and you can use very few magical items that aren’t weapons/armor. Those hit dice can still roll low, and rules-as-written, you’re stuck with ’em. Your starting gold will be mostly eaten up by whatever armor you buy and it will probably not be great to start with. You’re in the front. You’re the first to get hit, chomped, scorched, stabbed, and shredded. Eventually you are just a politician with a sword when the spellcasting classes start getting powerful.

MAGIC-USER

This is a wizard, but God forbid they just say that. At least “magic-user” is gender-neutral, but the other class (Cleric) uses magic too, so why name this one Magic User? I’ll tell you why: that’s just about all you can fucking do. At first level, you can do it once, with one spell you know, and no one’s likely to be impressed. Playing a MU in any early version of D&D is a lot like trying to knuckle down and make it through med school or start your own small business. It’s an investment of time and an accepted risk in exchange for a great reward later. In this case, the reward is eventually becoming a legend who no one can fuck with because of all the sick spells you know, and the risk is being murdered by a kobold on your first trip outside because you have 2 hit points and can’t wear any armor.

PROS: If it’s magic, it’s entirely your shit. You can cast a number of different-powered spells per day based on your level, which starts out as one parlor trick at the start of your career and can end up with you doing some real reality-bending shit. It’s unlikely that you will be unable to use magic items you find, as most of them can be used by M-Us. At higher levels you can even manufacture magic items and research new spells. The idea here is “limitless possibilities.” M-U spells are versatile, and the more potent ones can kill small armies, make the dead walk, or transport you hundreds of miles in a single step.

CONS: Your possibilities at low levels are pretty fucking limited and you are only allowed to use a dagger to defend yourself. Once you’ve used your spells, it’s 8 hours of study and rest before you get them back. You level up really slowly, and up until you get to maybe 4th-5^th level you’re mostly an unarmored, well-educated liability on any battlefield that doesn’t have something for you to hide behind. Your spells are written in a book and if something happens to that book it’s not like you can just order another one. You’re fucked. Your magic has two convenient holes in it: restoring hit points and removing status effects (poison, curses, etc). You not only can’t wear armor, but unless you’re an elf and take some serious glass-ceiling action on your career (See below), you never can.

CLERIC

This is the class that the one halfway-responsible and long-game-conscious player will choose, and then end up wiping everyone else’s asses for them while playing. Clerics are holy spellcasters, granted a sliver of their deity’s divine power as magic. They can wear armor and shields, but are only allowed the use of blunt weapons (not that bad of a handicap). Clerics can build strongholds like fighting-men can, they’re just doing it in the name of the church so their shit can be more expensive and they can “tax” more. I always knew it was a racket… The other players will see you as a medic and little else, but you’re the only one of the three classes with any healing magic, so you wanted this. With protective and detection spells on the cleric’s list too, it’s a versatile class that can form the core of the adventuring group… even if the fighter thinks he’s in charge, he’s fucking wrong. You routinely make blood stop coming out of everyone. You’re in charge.

PROS: You get the magic that’s better at keeping motherfuckers alive on your team, and while your spell list is narrower than the M-U’s, who gives a shit? Healing, protection spells, purification… you’re the one who’s making sure bad shit doesn’t happen, or if it does, making sure it’s not worse. You can fight reasonably well and don’t have to waddle around in a bathrobe wielding a switchblade like the M-U. Not only do you get spells, but you can also say a big loud magical “fuck you” to the undead when you encounter them; this is pass-or-fail but can either drive the undead away or just nuke them in-place, depending on your power and theirs. Despite being possibly the safest character class to play in every other way, you also level faster than both the others. And that thing you can do to undead? Theoretically there’s no limit to how many times a day you can try it, it just might not work and you can only try it once per encounter.

Again, from a later edition. One of my favorite illos in any RPG book. There’s a lot going on here. Artist: Doug Chaffee.

CONS: Your spells suck at offense, but that’s why you have a big mace. Blunt only does put a pretty hard limit on your ranged weapon options. Depending on how roleplaying-heavy the group or campaign is, you may have restrictions or requirements on your character’s behavior because your character is accountable to a godlike otherworldly being who lends them magic. That’s not just a high-five. You’re expected to further that god’s agenda using your borrowed power, and too many fuck-ups can result in you losing all magic and looking very foolish.

Don’t expect to find all the info in one place, or even in the same general area of the book. The classes are briefly described in this section. The experience point tables are after the equipment section, the charts to roll attacks and saving throws are in their own section, and the spell progression stuff is after that. With minimal forethought and planning, all of that shit could have been in one section. But hey, I didn’t invent the game. I’ve just spent 20+ years referencing chart after chart in the books. You get used to it. Just like you get used to psoriasis or a neighbor’s constantly barking dog.

ELVES, DWARVES, HALFLINGS

Unless you get squirrely and speak up, it’s assumed your character is human. Some Dungeon Masters (referred to in early literature simply as “referees”) didn’t even allow nonhumans. I personally fail to see the point, since all three nonhuman options put severe limits on your maximum class level in exchange for some neat-but-not-game-shaking racial perks. One notable exception is the elf, who can be both a fighting-man and an M-U and can wear magical armor while casting spells. Dwarves and Halflings (which are supposed to be off-brand hobbits) both get marginalized: They both may only be fighters (of max 6^th and 4^th level, respectively). Both, however, get to resist magic etc. as if they were higher level. Playing a dwarf can be good in a big group for their ability to notice traps and secrets underground (this was before thieves were a class, and I’m not sure how they left them out for as long as they did), but there’s almost no point in playing a halfling for four levels just for the better magic defense and the small bonus with missile weapons.

Real long-legged, Mr. Dwarf. Also, is that tree way in the background, is it in the foreground and tiny, or is this actually the biggest fucking dwarf on record?

Side point here. I began playing this game in 2^nd Edition and never understood the idea in early rule sets of nonhumans being limited in their class advancement. No perks to being a human except that there’s no limit on your advancement. Point fucking one, who plays long enough per campaign for that to bear out? No one I know. Point two, if fantasy lit is to be trusted or even lent credence, these fantasy elves and dwarves have lifespans that make us look like gerbils in comparison? I think 3.5 edition D&D is mostly poison to the hobby, but at least it made the races both more egalitarian and more of an interesting choice.

ALIGNMENT

Gygax kept it simple as fuck back in the day: Law and Chaos. Law doesn’t mean just law; it means order, harmony, peace, and ostensibly, goodness. Chaos means not giving a fuck, and that usually extends to morality. There are, of course, nuances and shades of grey within, but you’re not playing this game to write a goddamn dissertation on Immanuel Kant or worry whether you murdered that giant centipede in good faith. Move along.

Any later-edition player or DM is recoiling like a vampire in sunlight just reading this. This is such a bad idea. A poor idea. Piss-poor, even.

ABILITY SCORES

Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, Constitution, Dexterity, and Charisma. You generate these by rolling three six-sided dice and recording the scores (3-18) for each ability in order. Yes, in order. Nicer Dungeon Masters let you arrange the scores. Strength has no real hard-and-fast mechanical benefit; in fact, it looks like only Dexterity, Constitution, and Charisma have well-defined game effects outside of affecting earned experience (for some fucking reason a stronger fighter learns better, and I’m sure that makes sense to someone). This section needed (And got, in later editions) extensive work.

Why, yes, two lonely men produced this literature in a basement. How could you tell?

EQUIPMENT

This, sadly, is perhaps the most organized section of the book, and you still have to flip around several tables to get what you need. Starting gold is rolled randomly (three six-sided dice, times ten, for starting money) for each character, so just like in real life, you can suck at being a hero mostly because you can’t afford it. Damage values for weapons are not given because you’re supposed to also have the CHAINMAIL rules handy.

THE REST OF THE BOOK

All the actual “meat” of the info for classes is in this last chunk. So are some vague but seemingly adequate rules fleshing out magical research, as well as the descriptions of the spells for both classes. The descriptions are short – vague enough to allow for long game-stalling debates, but concise enough to let you know quickly what the spell actually does and the effects it has – and the information is packed densely. This was likely a necessity.

For reference, assume “fewer than seven hit dice” to mean “anything that doesn’t deserve its own theme music.” Also for reference, 1 inch equaled about 10 in-game square feet. Sixty square feet of “fuck you, this combat’s over.”

SAMPLE CHARACTER: TOM SELLECK, JR. THE FIGHTING-MAN

We’re going to make a first-level player character from scratch! I’ll be using Notepad for my character sheet since there’s no need for a fancy one, and I’ll be using Roll20 to roll dice so I can show you.

First, let’s go old school rules-as-written and roll these suckers in order:

Well, fuck. Seeing as a score of 9-12 is the equivalent of “average,” it’s safe to say our character isn’t meant for academic or social greatness. Looks like we’re infantry material whether we like it or not. Let’s name this guy Tom Selleck, Jr. and assume he’s going to be a fightin’ man. Seeing as the in-game effects of my stats are technically fuck-all, we’ll use them for an idea of the guy’s personality. Clearly a dimwit with no common sense and problems making friends, Tom has relied on his average physical fitness and his utter absence of self-awareness to make it in the world prior to becoming an adventurer. How he made enough money to buy gear is beyond me, but let’s roll:

Well, at least that seems appropriate. Tom’s gonna have shit gear, like the diaper-clown future corpse he is. Speaking of, how easy is he to kill? Let’s roll that six-sided die, because you roll even your first one in OD&D… but don’t worry, we get an extra hit point because we’re a fighting-man!

Three hit points between ol’ Tom Jr. and the icy black forever-nothing. Just how he likes it, because he’s too fucking stupid to know death is permanent. He thinks all the people he murders are sleeping. He’s gone with that internal narrative since age five. Hey, like it says in the good book: live by the sword, die by the sword in one hit at first level. With that 50 ducats, let’s get our boy some leather armor (15), a shield (10), a battle axe (7), two daggers (6, 3 each), a backpack (5), a week’s standard rations (5), 50′ of rope (1), 6 torches (1), and we are broke.

And since we don’t have extra shit to worry about (or anything to drink out of since I didn’t buy a waterskin), here’s our sheet. Our hero’s all ready to march bravely forth and be slain by a common house cat in one hit.

Tune in for the second part, when we look at the other two booklets, one of which contains monsters. We’ll even have Tom fight something (and probably die). I hope this provides an interesting change of pace, folks… and be sure to send me hate mail if it doesn’t! Stay Retro!

Here is the story, according to John himself:

“After killing the Spiderdemon at the end of E4M8 (Unto the Cruel), your next stop is Earth — you must save it from hellspawn that is causing unimaginable carnage. But Baphomet glitched the final teleporter with his hidden sigil whose eldritch power brings you to even darker shores of Hell. You fight through this stygian pocket of evil to confront the ultimate harbingers of Satan, then finally return to become Earth’s savior.”

Sigil’s opening screen. KVLT ANTI-HVMAN BLACK METAL

I am a pretty well-seasoned DOOM player, and can usually handle the original 3 episodes on Nightmare or at least UV. This shit is turning my guts inside out on Hurt Me Plenty. You will not see health much at all. You will need to be extremely careful. Yes, there are horrible monster traps everywhere. Inescapable pits too. You will die. You will know death again, Marine. You can never truly rest. But Space Marines are made for this shit. Let’s hit it.

E5M1 is a true gauntlet-run involving the elevation of platforms in order to find your way through a winding path of hitscanners and imps. The maps are very dimly lit, and instead of switches, Romero has us shooting the demonic eye symbols to activate/open things. I’ll save you the five or so seconds it’d take to puzzle it out. Sheol (E5M2) continues to incline the difficulty in a steady fashion. Breaking a sweat yet? You often find yourself with little room to move one way or another, measuring moments and shots, clinging to cover while whittling away at potentially deadly ambushes. I hope you like seeing barons and cacodemons up close, because you fucking will be. E5M3 is called Cages of the Damned, and it looks slightly more “conventional” as a map when you first start blasting through. Vaguely castle-like, with great run-and-gun action and a few open spaces (finally!) to use in combat. I’d even call E5M3 “classical” because of how true parts of it are to the original feel of the trilogy. You’re still, however, finding very little health. And yes, you’re still in horrible peril on a constant basis. Paths of Wretchedness (E5M4) is another hectic rim-grabber over pools of magma as you battle your way through a shooting gallery with you as the turkey. Movement is again limited, and you find yourself getting pummeled in bottlenecks – sometimes caught with your fucking pants down – and perishing if you’re not on your LeBron “Leatherface on Mars” James A-game. This level has a splash of that old alien-mechanical feel to it reminiscent of Knee-Deep in the Dead. Probably another of my overall favorites of the episode. While health is scarce throughout this episode, you will find enough ammunition if you are thorough, frugal, and keep your eyes open.

Pictured: One scrub (yours truly), pre-tenderized.

Abbadon’s Void (E5M5) hits us with the sound of a cyberdemon right out of the starting gate, and we don’t clearly see it, but we know it’s aware of us and it’s pissed off. Great. More indoorsy, wood-paneled infernal décor, peppered with monster closet ambushes and tense high-wire acts. I particularly enjoy the MIDI OST track for this map (more on the music below); it’s atmospheric and rich and it reminds me a little of Blood’s great theatrical-style music. E5M6, Unspeakable Persecution, has the exit to the secret level E5M9 (Realm of Iblis). I’m not going to spoil where the door is or what the secret level is like; if you want that shit you can find it easily online. (I admit that I had to look it up. My skills have gotten mad rusty.) I will say that E5M9 is as hot and nasty as you’d expect Sigil’s secret map to be. Buckle up, buttercup. E5M7 is the Nightmare Underworld, and it was originally meant to be the fifth map, but it belongs here in spot #7. It is an expansive and adventurous map, and it pounds me into hamburger at an embarrassing rate. John’s work in Sigil is the work of a man who intimately understands the tools he is using to engage the player. It is the work of a methodical, gifted, calculating psychopath. E5M8, Halls of Perdition, presents the final obstacle in Sigil. Like E4M8, it is not just a straight boss fight; you must find your way through one last intense firefight against the full host of DOOM’s baddies intent on beating you down. The finale has a marathon-like feel and is almost joyful (I only beat it once using equipment cheats on Hurt Me Plenty).

decino’s entertaining and thorough playthrough of Sigil. He is a much better player than me. Props.

Hi. <3

Let’s talk about the absolute fucking banger soundtrack. If you don’t know who Buckethead is, you should, and he wrote the CD soundtrack for Sigil. Apparently, he’s a long-time DOOM fan. Who’d have thought a dude like the immortal Buckethead would have good taste. It is busy, atmospheric, haunting, and it fits Sigil’s gloomy theme of desperation perfectly. The episode also features a fantastic MIDI soundtrack written by James Paddock. It’s a little more action-themed but fits the game every bit as well as the Buckethead score. E5M1 and E5M7 stand out to me as highlights, and you should have a listen.

Ol’ Johnny R. goes hard in the paint with Sigil, reminding us longtime Space Marines that while our blood may smear every hallway and elevator from Phobos to Mt. Erebus, we can never die. Besides, who the hell else is going to keep the demons down? You know they’ll just be back . They always come back.

Sigil gets a 9 out of 10 from me. It’s difficult, but that’s not a complaint at all. It’s a brutally refreshing shot in the arm for a game that’s been loved for over twenty-six years. Devastatingly crisp, well-executed, and effective. John Romero has given us more to love about DOOM… and a new way to get our asses kicked and GET GOOD.

See you later for more articles in October. Stay spooky as hell… and Stay Retro.

BONUS: Of course there’s a Zero Master speed run of 9:32 for it already. Hallelujah.

We’re taking another, longer, more loving look at the NES game library this month, and there’s so much to love. Even the cheese. From the top-notch classics to the knockoff nostalgia, everyone’s got a favorite NES game. If this system didn’t form some small part of your childhood entertainment time, then I’m not sure where (or when) you lived and still ended up on NRW. Like, how do you know any of the other shit we talk about here? Welcome to the future, man. Hit Play.

Pizza Pop!

Ark System Works, 1992

There is nothing more empty and bleak than the vacant look of defeat on Dracula’s face right here. And no, Pizza Boy’s got no fucking clue. It’s a tragedy on wheels.

Jaleco couldn’t publish a game to save their asses in the 90s. The company was well-established in the gaming industry – Bases Loaded and City Connection were notable Jaleco titles – but somehow the firm just didn’t gain much traction on the NES. Pizza Pop is a Jaleco game for the NES; I hesitate to offer it too much of its own distinction beyond that, simply because it’s so goddamned boring. Let’s be real: this is fifty other platformers, Jaleco. This is just the amalgam of every stiffly generic and circus-hued hop and jump game that has passed through the NES’s mouth, and you’ve distilled it into this dry litter for me to ruminate over.

It’s not even that it doesn’t play well. It plays okay, actually. It’s just… stale. I get the distinct vapour, ever so fragrant and hopeless, of the dying video rental shop. Drywall. Silence. Dust. Another set of bones bleached in the sun. It’s a decent game on its own merit… just a decent game that should have come out 3-4 years earlier.

The plot says you want to buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend. That’s the whole reason we’re here. That’s why you’re out hassling Dracula, getting murdered on construction sites. Some hipster asshole is also running around in clothes just like yours, making a mess for you and generally making your job a living hell.

See, that’s what I mean. It’s like they both know this has been done ten thousand upon ten thousand times before. This tale has been writ long across stardust and primordial mud. Give it up already.

I feel more than a little fucking weird playing a game where the main character is doing a cartoon version of a job several of my friends have. It just makes me empathize with them even more. The tips are shitty, and it’s even worse in real life because you can’t leap the equivalent of thirty feet in the air. KILL EVERY BAD GUY EVER BY JUMPING ON THEIR FUCKING HEAD. You also get some kind of pizza-baking paddle or something as a weapon, but there’s no point. Just jump on everything like Mario. The graphics are of uniformly low but inoffensive quality. I would feed this game to a dog but I wouldn’t eat it myself. The sound is nothing to write home about, unless you want to write a long fucking essay on questionable music loops. There is a jet-ski part near the end that I have to admit is pretty fun, but that’s like saying you like the part during the root canal where they rinse the blood out of your mouth. Pizza Pop is not memorable, nor is it forgettable. It hangs, low fruit in a busy orchard, quiet among giants. This exercise in smallness gets 4 out of 10 because there is some small merit within it; while it’s a mediocre platform game, at least it isn’t an objectively shitty platform game.

Airwolf

Kyugo/Beam Software, 1988

The PG, on-paper objective of this game is to rescue some dumb hostages or some shit. Something cheery, positive, official. We all know why Airwolf appealed to us as youthful consumers. Nine times out of ten, when you looked at the TV and Airwolf was on, what was Airwolf doing?

That’s right. Airwolf was tearing shit up.

And so we have this, a less-than-terrible NES version of a decent-to-OK arcade title, based off a TV show. You do a fair amount of tearin’ shit up, but there’s a moderate pace on it, and Airwolf would like to pack it in by 9 pm so the kids can go to bed. Airwolf just don’t party no more. It immediately strikes me that this game plays a lot like Capcom’s 1943, if 1943 were a side-scroller. I just immediately get that feel visually, movement-wise, everything. Maybe it’s the intermittent beach scenery and my hankering to shoot down Zeroes over Midway. Maybe it’s just that the game – or at least this part of it – is deceptively competent in its execution.

𝕬𝖚𝖋 𝖂𝖎𝖊𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖊𝖍𝖊𝖓

The aim-and-shoot first-person sections of Airwolf are clumsy and drawn-out, like most of the NES’s attempts at this kind of “realism” or “dynamics.” Lots of sprite clip interrupts otherwise acceptable pixel graphics. Outside of the slightly dated and loud sounds of war, the audio experience is sparse. What’s present is phoned-in and basic.

I will give the cut scenes and set pieces a little bit of a shout out. I always like this kind of thing, especially in 8 to 16 bit era games when each matte and landscape was its own little labor of art. Bells and whistles, the little liminal passages between… Less was more, but you had to do it big.

Airwolf receives 6 out of 10. It tried to be novel with lukewarm but not awful results, and I like the side-scrolling parts of it. Some of the random in-between shit really made it for me too, like the guy’s face on the radio screen.

Willow

Capcom, 1989

I don’t do a lot of RPGs in here, and I really should. (In fact, maybe a whole series coming up). I tend to avoid them because of the nature of RPG play: it’s a long, nuanced experience that has as much in common with a novel as it does a film. I don’t often feel that a handful of paragraphs can do that kind of thing justice.

I underestimated the mediocrity of this game. Let me take a well-aimed stab at describing Willow for the NES: it’s a lot like Crystalis, except that a film called Willow was produced by George Lucas in 1988 and that film got wrapped around Crystalis, instead of the slightly more Japanese story in Crystalis.

What passes for a climactic battle in the wizarding fucking world of Warwick Goddamn Davis.

So here we are with this can’t-go-wrong fantasy adventure, this klutz-friendly Saturday Morning version of Zelda with movie branding on it. It is extremely formulaic, mixing action with minor RPG elements like leveling and puzzle/interactions. The game has no money and you just talk to people to get stuff for free. Unfortunately, this leftist utopia is fraught with evil witches, dog mutants, and that old standby, the skeleton-people. Skeleton-people live unlife the way it was meant to be: clacking along windswept footpaths, harassing little wizards. Anyway, the catch to everything being free in this economy-free candy-land is that Bavmorda wants to kill you and has made a bunch of other stuff want to kill you. The movie plot’s subtlety is seen nowhere else in the game. Willow, if nothing else, will inure new RPG-genre players to the mind-numbing chores of reading text and level-grinding; in terms of action gameplay we’re looking at a caveman’s version of Link to the Past, but the graphics are the secret shine on this game.

But I’m not the chief…

The way the screen will change color and the grass will whip menacingly, as the battle theme starts along with the visual cues. As I said above, bells and whistles… but they count for double in the very visual world of RPG-themed games. The music, especially this piece right here (which you will hear plenty of in the game), belongs in some kind of “reverse trauma facility” government program where they use radio waves to teach you how to do drone strikes in your REM sleep. The battle theme is okay, though. I just wish, as I often do about RPG music, that the loops were longer. Oh well.

OC by Yours Truly

While Willow isn’t what I’d call truly lousy, it fails to rise above a solid “meh” in terms of action, and it feels from start to finish like it was some other game that was in development before Willow, and it got turned into Willow. It gets 6 out of 10.

That’s all she wrote… well, that’s all I wrote, anyway. Get Gruesome!

I figured I’d be safe going to the well again with the NES games. We love to come back here. We love the thunder. The light. It’s just what we know. I’ll skip a lengthy introduction; I’m after my familiar methods today, bringing you three more games for the NES/Famicom.

BURAI FIGHTER

Taxan, 1990

Burai Fighter is another one of the great shmups for the NES. The plot is pretty formulaic (alien warfare, you’re the only one who can save us, yada yada), but playing this one is a ton of fun. You can move and fire in different directions, which allows for great control of the battlefield. And this shit does get rough. The bosses are particularly interesting in Burai Fighter, but there’s never a dull moment. Between the fighting and the goodies you can grab, it’s a thriller once you get the hang of it.

This is a moving Dio song right here. Poetry in motion.

The game looks great, nothing too fancy but crisp and clean. The soundtrack is one I can enjoy; some of it is squeaky high-end-heavy filler, but for the most part it keeps up. I give Burai Fighter 7 out of 10. An admitted bias for the genre and an appreciation for the cool bosses has me digging this one from Taxan.

DIRTY HARRY

Gray Matter, 1990

This shit is for real. You want a mean, wild game? Get in on my dude Harry here.

You are marching around kicking furniture, shooting men in the face, stomping on snakes, leaping over floor lasers. Just ducking makes you immune to ball bats. Oh, and you can swap your blue and white suits out. Suffice it to say this plays a little more like you’d expect an adaptation of Bad Lieutenant to play. It’s still a lot of fun. It’s ordered chaos in a manageable package. My only minor gripe is that it’s one of those games where so many of the scenes look the same that it can get mildly disorienting. Whatever. So would an actual city. Well done. Pretty fun active gameplay makes up for a lot though. I like kicking around in Dirty Harry. You can get pretty sick gun power ups, and it’s fun to just plow through.

He’s not even worried. He’s adjusting his collar. Fuck your gasoline in a bottle.

There’s nothing too spit-and-polish about the graphics but they get the job done. The music is kind of loud, but it’s pretty good, written by composers Steven Samler and Elliot Delman. This game, in fact, is the only NES title to credit the composers not only in the manual, but on the back of the game’s box.

Dirty Harry gets 7 out of 10 in my book. Only the eventual monotony counts against it; otherwise it’s an entertaining title with a lot of sit-and-play value to it.

TASAC

Thin Chen, 1992

Sometimes it’s important to draw attention to something because it embodies an idea, principle, or concept in action. An icon of its kind. Sometimes an object lesson.

Tasac is an object lesson in really not trying very hard.

This game was produced and released in 1992. Let’s have a look at it, item by item. Gameplay? An oversimplified, lazy version of a genre it’s hard to fuck up. The plot is kind of cool, according to a snippet I found from GameFAQs:

“In A.D. 20XX, humans are engaged in fierce warfare with TASAC – the alien bionic mutants. Landsy and Dagrel, commanders of Earth Defense Arms, are encountering the toughest enemies known to man. They must destroy TASAC to rescue the Earth, otherwise humans will be turned into slaves under the TASAC terrorism!”

The graphics? Are you kidding? Unforgivably lazy. Music and sound? 1986 sound while clumsy circus-like music meanders across the drab play space. It’s really the kind of soundtrack that belongs in a McDonald’s Playland.

Christmas candy choo choo train colors and big clunky crunchy -looking fuckery. Hudson had this kind of shit beat in 1987. This is out of some kind of mill. Some kind of terror-basement. I never.

This is two steps up from Galaga. Not to talk shit on Galaga, even. Galaga outshines this easily. It doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Game FAQs rates it 2.5 out of 5. I’m giving Tasac a 2 out of 10. It is a game. I’m not willing to give it much else.

Thanks for tuning in again. We’ll do three more on Thursday. Stay Retro!

Hokuto no Ken/Last Battle

Sega/Toei, 1989

Yes, it’s Fist of the North Star. Or at least it’s set in that reality with you as the cranium-popping protagonist. American localization changes his name to Aarzak… what the fuck. Like, why even bother? Just leave it alone. (UPDATE: Apparently the NA version was not licensed under the IP for some reason.) You punch and kick your way across a wasteland map, engaging in arena fights, wild brawls, and deadly mazes. I can’t begin to decipher the “best ending” for the game, but I know it has multiple “chapters,” and I also know that I get my ass handed to me in every arena fight. Sometimes allies find you and have a little gift for you; this, like many events in the game, seem arbitrary or random. Senseless, even.

Post-Modern Interpretive Dance at its Finest.

Your punches can explode motherfuckers, as one would expect. They can also deflect projectiles. Your kick is no joke, either. The post-apocalyptic nightmare world is full of marauding hockey mask men, crust punks, amateur body builders, etc. just waiting to get in your path so you can tell them they’re already dead.

The graphics are pretty nice, with some parallax and great detail on backgrounds as well as the pretty high quality spritework. Most of the characters don’t suck or look awful. Hokuto no Ken’s soundtrack is underrated, and displays a high level of well-executed complexity one can easily miss for the one thing I hold against this game. That is, it’s repetitive as hell (which means it eventually gets tedious). I give Hokuto no Ken a 6 out of 10. I like the effort, and for what it is, it’s really polished and detailed.

Dark Castle

Mark Stephen Price/Jonathan Gay, 1991 (1986)

I love a good medieval fantasy. I’m not even terribly picky. I’ll still play those old SSI D&D games when I need my fix. I’ve seen a lot of “adventure” games come and go. The Dark Castle port for the Mega Drive has to be one of the most unfortunate things that ever happened to unwary players.

As Prince Duncan, you have to navigate the Black Knight’s castle to topple him from his throne. Seeing as you’re a wealthy and powerful prince, you’ve decided to arm yourself with… some fucking rocks. I’m sure there’s some philosophical statement or Biblical allegory here, but I’m pretty sure even the Disciples would agree: clumsily aimed rocks are a poor weapon against literally everything. The prince runs and jumps (badly), ducks (slowly), and makes sure to pick up more fucking rocks when he finds them.

Yeah, I see a whole lotta fuckin’ trouble all right.

This wasn’t a fantastic game when it was on the Mac or C64. It looks like lazy MS Paint, and I’d even say it looks rushed. Like no one gave a shit. The sound is abysmal, and perhaps the greatest affront is that a strangled MIDI rendition of JS Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” loops nonstop.

Non. Stop.

I love that piece of music. I am a huge fan of the classical organ and people so often overlook the bulk of the piece, focusing only on the first few measures it’s famous for. But now I can’t listen to it on the organ for at least a week. I give Dark Castle 2 out of 10. Disgusting.

Ren & Stimpy Show Presents: Stimpy’s Invention

BlueSky, 1993

This was one of my favorite ones growing up, for two reasons: I loved Ren & Stimpy; and it was short. I’ve always valued a game I don’t have to sit and play for 4 hours, and this one’s a masterpiece. John K.’s cat & dog duo in their own Genesis game… and it doesn’t suck like you expect so much of the licensed games for the MD to suck.

1 or 2 players (simultaneously) must navigate strange and “exotic” locales as the boys look for the pieces of Stimpy’s Mutate-o-Matic, an invention that turns household garbage into food. The game is full of entertaining enemies and challenges, and Ren & Stimpy have to work as a team, executing team-up moves when certain button combos are pressed when close to each other. The game gets a little harder as it goes on, but for the most part it’s a madcap war of attrition.

Tooting around the aviary at the zoo.

The graphics are good-quality Sega graphics, with lots of animation really taking advantage. The sound is exceptionally good, even including some not-too-sloppy digitized voices from the show. The music is pretty snazzy in some places, especially the zoo and the pound. I give Ren & Stimpy 8 out of 10. It’s a lot of fun to play 2 players, it’s got me by the nostalgia, and it’s still fun.

April holds even more retro gaming goodness in store. See you then!

Gunstar Heroes

Sega, 1993

This is one of the finest run-and-gun games I have ever played. The smug part of me (a big part) would like to just leave it at that, but I don’t get paid to write one-sentence paragraphs, nor would that really do Gunstar Heroes any justice. Gunstar Heroes is like Contra cubed. Contra multiplied by an exponent of itself. Your mission is, in summary, to break a spell used by a tyrant to take hold of the entire world by collecting some gems. Sega seems to like gems for some reason. We won’t get into it. There’s no need. If you are even passingly familiar with their other franchises, you know what I mean. To achieve your goal, you (and optionally, a second player) must tackle the tyrant’s massive army, which includes some really heavy hitters and weird stuff.

Hover-biking giant robot chase scenes? You betcha.

Sega cooked this game up, and from top to bottom, it shows. You not only shoot and run, but you’ve got jump kicks and other tricks, not to mention two-person moves and a variety of gun power-ups. You’re sliding down inclines, riding hover bikes, all kinds of great action-oriented shit is going on. It’s legitimately engaging and exciting. Over-the-top boss fights and a great cartoonish theme make this a ton of fun, and 2-player mode is bonkers. It’s always good to see decent co-op two player games from this era, because so many were “take turns” or just boring in general.

The graphics are pretty sick, with plenty of color and character. The bosses really stand out; many of them are made of separate sprites moving as one (or so it seems, I don’t know exactly how they did that, I’m just a fan, not a programmer). The music and sound are what you’d expect from Sega during this period, rich and well-written to fit the bombastic action theme. I’d like to stress again: this game is hella fun with two players.

Gunstar Heroes gets an 8 out of 10 from me. Solid game, and another one I liked even more when re-encountering it as an adult fan.

Sonic Spinball

Sega, 1993

Some people love this game, and a few people hate it. I’m in the first camp, for sure. I’m a sucker for pinball in any form, be it real or virtual, and despite… well, everything about Sonic in the current era, I’m also a big fan of the franchise. This game holds a special spot in my heart much like Mr. Driller or the original DOOM; I have fond memories of playing Spinball during lousy parts of my life and it really allowing me to detach myself and relax.

There’s not much to discuss in the way of a plot. Robotnik’s being a dick again, Sonic has to step up and teach his ass a lesson, but this time it’s framed as a pinball experience. There are little parts where you’re not behaving like a blue spinning version of the silver ball, but for the most part, what you see is what you get.

The tables are challenging and contain some novel Sonic-flavored elements to them, including the theme-appropriate collection of rings and the end goal of collecting those damn Chaos Emeralds. (More gems. See?) Even cooler is the fact that each table is actually multiple tables, and you’ve got to navigate a very broad space to get things done and progress. Sometimes you’re even running and jumping around like Sonic normally does. There are even boss fights, since Robotnik seemingly loves to get his shit pushed in repeatedly by a little blue hedgehog. Sonic Spinball is a great time-killer without being boring or overly repetitive. The game also keeps score like a normal pinball game would, and is otherwise focused on that format. I could play most pinball tables for hours if life permitted me to fuck around that much, and this one’s no exception.

Jesus, Robotnik. One of your face is enough.

The music, again, is solid and on par with what Sega was capable of during the Genesis era. The Toxic Caves theme really stands out, not only as the first level music but as a good upbeat funk-type piece that seems right at home in a 1990s Sonic game. Spinball ups the ante graphics-wise, as well. There’s a lot of animation and activity, and Robotnik’s boss appearances are particularly well-detailed.

I give Sonic Spinball an 8 out of 10. It’s a bit of a novelty job, but it’s fun, it looks good, and it plays well.

Ristar

Sega, 1995

“This is one of those cutesy games,” I muttered to myself while loading the rom up in Fusion. I was absolutely right, and further expected to be let down by it, but it’s actually not terrible. Sure, it’s another platformer, and a lot of it is nauseatingly adorable, but it’s a ton of fun to play and it’s well-produced. (It just occurred to me that all three of today’s games are produced by Sega.) You assume the role of a little star dude in a distant galaxy, who (in a recurring theme not only in Genesis games but video games as a whole) is fighting against tyranny, this time in the form of a big nasty named Kaiser Greedy. Greedy is a “space Pirate” intent on ruling the planet Flora (Neer in the JP version) and the surrounding star system by force. This is another one of those games where they did way too much fiddling with the story from JP to NA release, so I’m not going to write a Cutting Room Floor style essay about it. Suffice it to say, it’s up to Ristar, with his gigantic stupid face and childlike digitized voice, to save the Valdi System from the beefy baddies.

It’s a platform game, and a late entry into the category during the era in question, but Ristar can do some cool stuff with his stretchy arms, like propel himself like a catapult or deliver vicious grabbing headbutts to enemies. A lot of play is based around the use of Ristar’s stretchy arms, but there’s plenty of conventional platform elements too: the run and jump stuff, underwater levels, bonus stages, and some pretty cool boss fights (including wizards and shit, which I’m always down for).

Get down here so I can rope-arm headbutt your ass, you dizzy bastard.

The digitized sound isn’t very good, and Ristar’s voice is creepily childish. The other sound, as well as the BGM, is pretty good. Not necessarily top form Sega stuff, but adequate. The visual experience is on par for a higher-quality Sega-produced Genesis game, with a lot of color and variety befitting the cute bubblegum flavor of the game as a whole.

I give Ristar 7 out of 10. It’s not what I’d call a classic, or even exceptional, but it brings enough of its own juice to the table and offers a fun experience to anyone who loves platformers.

Expect The third and final chunk of Sega-meat on Saturday, RetroFiends! Thanks for reading!

Yes, folks, we’ll be giving the Sega Mega Drive, known in North America as the Genesis, the same attention we gave the NES last month. While I had an NES and enjoyed it very much, the Sega Genesis is likely the console I’ve put in the most hours on, and as I’ve said before, I was on the Sega side of the fence for the Console Wars when it competed with the Super NES. There’s a lot to love about the system. In particular, I’ve always liked the unique sound that the YM2612 chip lent the music, not to mention some of the remarkable titles Sega self-produced for the platform. There was nothing wrong with the SNES, but if you were cool… you had a Genesis.

The Ooze

Sega/Sonic Team, 1995

I wanted to start with this one because I missed it as a kid, only to discover it years later, and it blew my fucking mind. You play as this scientist who finds out some grody stuff about his employer’s business. Your boss tries to kill you by exposing you to some gnarly green slime, but little does he know he just created one of the coolest protagonists for a video game ever. With what’s left of your humanity, you set out for revenge.

GRAAAAH! He’s so fucking cool, man. I can’t even be mad that I missed it as a kid because it was worth uncovering it years later and being jazzed as hell.

YOU PLAY AS A SLIME MONSTER. It’s as cool as it sounds. You slide around as an amorphous blob, able to do all the things a blob could do (move through tight spaces, etc.) and capable of whipping out deadly pseudopods to murder and devour anything in your path. Getting attacked reduces your mass, but turning creatures into ooze and subsuming them replenishes it. There are even power ups, despite the idea that you’re already pretty boss as a sentient ooze. The controls take a little getting used to, but once you’re comfortable, you’re really going to enjoy yourself. The soundtrack is really good, especially the first stage, the toxic dump. Really good digitized SFX as well, with some nice voice samples that come through crisp and clear. I shouldn’t even have to say that the graphics are incredible, but I will, because holy shit. It’s not just normal sprites for your ooze man; your character is composed of modular chunks of 16-bit slime that flow in a very “realistic” fashion. A lot of effort clearly went into this game, and it shows.

I give The Ooze 8 out of 10. It is what I consider a high quality game, giving you the total package when it comes to gameplay and the audiovisual experience.

The Terminator

Probe/Virgin, 1992

I really don’t care much about the third and subsequent films, but Terminator 1 and 2 are, in my opinion, among the best science fiction films ever made. I doubt many of you would disagree, especially since the first one is filled to the brim with that dark-neon 80s starkness that retrowave/synthwave fans adore (myself included).

Unfortunately, the Genesis game is a woeful sack of wet horse shit.

You play as Kyle Reese, first in the future (to get to the past) and then in the past (to save the fucking future). The game follows the plot of the movie, at least loosely. A lot of the game involves just slugging through areas and getting hurt with very little in the way of mobility, hoping for the little health tanks to drop from enemies. I don’t remember Kyle murdering hundreds of police in the movie either, especially not with a crazy rapid-fire shotgun. This game plays like a sloppy death metal album: just things smashing and being smashed together as you mechanically plow through it and hope you don’t die (or just stop caring, like I did).

I spent several minutes just fighting my way out of this dead end. Just constantly hurling grenades at buff shirtless cyborgs. It’s like trying to have sex to grindcore music. It becomes mechanical and you get mentally tired.

To be fair to it, I’ll mention a couple things they did really well. The dialogue scenes between levels are actually pretty cool, featuring only minor affronts to the English language and some very well-done, almost comic-book style presentation. Some of the later levels feature interesting elements and stipulations; the police station requires you to reach Sarah Connor before the T-800 does and is a fairly good attempt at capturing the movie’s intensity.

I just wasn’t impressed with the game as an overall end-product. With the money Virgin has, they could have published a much better game. Terminator gets 3 out of 10 from me. It was almost depressing how “throwaway” this effort seemed.

Devil Crash MD/Dragon’s Fury

Naxat/Technosoft, 1991

“Are you just using this as an excuse to talk about Devil Crash again?”

Yes. Yes I am.

It’s no secret that I love the Naxat “Crash” pinball series. Virtual pinball is a great way to pass time, and Naxat fucking nailed it with Alien Crush and Devil Crash. Unfortunately, my PC-Engine emulator is on the fritz, so I’ve been playing the Mega Drive version of Devil Crash (called Dragon’s Fury in its North American release for the Genesis) to feed the beast.

Nothing is really lost in translation from platform to platform. The game still looks gorgeous, rife with cartoon-occult schlock imagery and straight-up Halloween wickedness. The Mega Drive’s YM2612 handles the music well, although it doesn’t seem as “blended” smooth as it does on the TG-16. Small loss, though. Play is the same; in fact I even think the game handles a little bit better on the Mega Drive. That might just be me, though. I’m very good at deluding myself. (I even call myself a writer sometimes.)

She’s still there, and she’s still a real knockout. Hubba Hubba!

The only thing that bothers me about the MD port of Devil Crash is that they named the American version Dragon’s Fury and pointlessly watered down a lot of the weird occult content. I understand the motives and all, you want to protect your children from the nefarious secret Satan codes they put in the video games… but we were way too fucking soft about this kind of thing back then. You gotta know the Enemy to fight him, and the best arena for that is pinball. Put on the Armor of God and hit the paddles!

As a solid port and a great game on its own merit, I give Devil Crash MD 8 out of 10.

I will catch you in a day or two for part 2 of this one, folks. Stay Retro!