In other words, this is the eleventh article wherein I will examine and interpret the bizarre illustrations used to sell video games in the 80s and 90s. Both Metallica and Harry Nilsson have screamed for you to jump in the fire, and now I’m screaming too.

Blaze Out

Data East/Konami, 1989

(early shovelware)

This is just egregious.

“You guys see that?” Rambo muttered bemusedly, staring into the distance. “Someone’s really about to buy this for their C64.”

Sgt. Elias was able to make eye contact for only a moment, clearly occupied with death throes that would never be explained beyond the narrative they’d been torn from in order to deposit his corpse here. The life faded from his eyes.

“THIS COURSE OF ACTION IS INADVISABLE,” said RoboCop, his voice’s metallic tone cutting clearly through the din of approaching horses. “THEY MUST BE UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT THIS IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN FRAGMENTED BULLSHIT THAT WILL TOTALLY DISAPPOINT THEM.”

Rambo sneered in numb disgust. “Get used to disappointment, RoboCop. Look where we are. Relegated to the bargain bin. Uncle Sam’s toy soldiers, forgotten and thrown away… at discount prices.”

Elias gurgled as he finally gave up the ghost. Strains of Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” mingled with notes of Goldsmith and Poledouris. The posse on horseback continued to clamor forward, never truly gaining ground. John Rambo was right. This would never resolve itself. It did not exist.

Solstice: Quest for the Staff of Demnos

Acclaim, 1990

Here we have game art that ticks off two check boxes: First, unforgivable false hype (Solstice is a goddamn puzzle game). Second, art that is so representative of what its year of origin was about that it could be used as an example for academic purposes. This is so 1990 that I can smell the PVC and hairspray.

“BODY GLOVE SPONSORED ME! I EVEN BROUGHT MY BONG, SEE? COME ON, THE REST OF THIS SHIT IS DRY CLEAN ONLY! HOW DARE YOU CLAIM THAT I AM NOT TUBULAR ENOUGH TO ENTER THE FORTRESS OF GNARLINESS?” Neon Gandalf needs to chill out. All that Deca-Durabolin has really started to give him some un-radical roid rage, despite how ripped he is for a wizard. Imagine wearing a full purple cloak but not a shirt. He doesn’t have to imagine it. He’s living it, pal.

Neon Gandalf would actually be a pretty badass name for a stoner metal/80s New Wave revival mashup act that would doubtless fail to live up to my expectations.

immediately opens eBay in a new tab and searches “vintage keytar” and “wizard cape”

Adventure Island II

Now Production/Hudson Soft, 1991

I picked this one based entirely on the premise that a rhinoceros has T-Rex teeth on it. Master Higgins looks so scared! He’s so fucked up over it that he can’t even stay in one lane on his pterodactyl. Which by the way, seems to be the only creature not busy leering hatefully at either Higgins or the person viewing the image. At least this is fairly accurate to the content; this series of games is pretty unforgiving (but fun).

There’s all that photoshopped art on the internet with horses that have carnivore teeth. Why not a rhino? And yeah, give him Satan eyes, too. I not only can live with that, I endorse it.

Another BurgerTime Cover

Interceptor Software/Data East, 1982

Peter Pepper doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He’s been doing this for so long now that he’s just on auto pilot. The milkshake is a new thing; he knows it pisses them off, and he’s glad. This isn’t what he wanted his life to be like. He imagined his life as a restaurateur would be a very different thing by now, and he’s deeply resentful of this situation – no, this nightmare, but he’s just so jaded now that he’s consuming his own inventory and daring fate to consume him in turn.

Maybe it already has. From the look in his eyes, BurgerTime has eaten him, and he knows it. He just doesn’t feel the teeth yet. Perhaps the worst part is that he never will.

Damn good milkshake though.

Monster in my Pocket

Konami, 1992

If you needed one more reason not to wear blue jeans, here it is. Not only is it a questionable fashion choice for most men and very prone to fading, denim comes with the inherent risk that tiny skeletons, goblins, and werewolves could erupt from your ass violently and without warning. They don’t even look happy to be free. Look at that goblin’s face. You think he likes being trapped in your ass? You think he’s into that?

Skeleton Dude was into it, but we all know Skeleton Dude is into pretty much whatever. That guy doesn’t just live on the wild side, he is the wild side. It’s easy to cut loose when you have no skin.

I hope this latest misadventure into the box art vaults has left you more amused than injured… though I claim no liability for the latter, dear readers. Stay Retro!

We play video games. Don’t bug us about it.

As per the yearly protocol, our fearless leader has given us our marching orders and asked us to furnish our usual top-ten lists. I have done my best to compile for you a list of the best retro-themed games from this year. There weren’t a metric ton of titles released in that vein in 2020, but it was certainly quality over quantity. This spread was gathered from Steam, the Epic store, consoles, etc. in as broad a swathe as possible. If the graphics, play style, or just the feel qualified as retro, it went in the pile to be sorted. If you feel I’ve misplaced a game in the order, feel free to email me and bury a battle-axe in my buttocks, but it was hard to put the ten titles that survived the cut into an hierarchy, because any one of them could have been numero uno on this list. All ten are worth playing if you haven’t. Here goes!

Special thanks to Shini, Eric, and my other friends who helped me gather data on short notice out of the goodness of their hearts. I haven’t been on top of industry news (or my NRW email) this year because of everything else that’s been going on, so it was a blessing to be able to call on you for help. You answered it, and I am deeply thankful.

#10 Star Renegades

Developer: Massive Damage

This one is only so low on the list because its play style may not be for everyone, but it’s an amazing game and should not be overlooked. SR blends real-time strategy, traditional RPG, and roguelike elements into a cutting-edge yet retro-as-hell cocktail. The game is so pretty, and I also enjoy the mechanics for combat. While there is a storyline, many elements are procedurally generated as in a roguelike, so the replay value is insane. The only thing keeping this title from more mainstream popularity is its relative involvement level and complexity, as well as considerable difficulty. You could play it casually, but it’s “not for casuals.”

#9 Ultrakill

Developer: Arsi Patala

This game does two things right for a retro-FPS title. First off, it pays homage to its ancestors left and right without just being a clone or copy. Second, it completely kicks ass. Ultrakill is violent, colorful, action-packed, and just complex enough to provide some variance to the one thing you showed up for: VIOLENCE. The visual style, at its core, reminds me immediately of Quake II, and there isn’t a thing wrong with that because it travels in its own unique direction. Combine this with creative gameplay elements (you bathe in your enemies’ blood to regain health!) and a veritable crucible of clever FPS challenges throughout, and you have something the younguns and the greybeards like me can all appreciate. Ultrakill is a love letter to its own lineage, and it’s the most heartfelt, blood-soaked love letter one could hope for.

#8 Rogue Legacy 2

Developer: Cellar Door Games

The sequel to an already-amazing game, RL2 improves upon what its predecessor did and further blends the hardcore nature of the roguelike with dynamic gameplay to appeal to a wider audience of gamers. It has a cute look to it, a good balance of complexity and simplicity in its RPG-esque elements, enough randomization to spice things up, and an engaging platform-style base mechanic that is approachable without being too easy. You can tell a lot of love went into RL2, and it’s not just standing on its prequel’s head to look taller… it’s a wonderful game and it’s worth looking at in its own right. I especially enjoy how the sense of pervasive danger combines with the cartoonish art.

#7 Röki

Developer: Polygon Treehouse

Röki puts a strong focus on adventure, exploration, and puzzle-solving… but it is also such a fucking pretty game to look at. There is also a strong emphasis on story, which is conveyed through lovingly-animated and delightfully well-written cinematic sequences. Impatient gamers may think it moves too slowly, but Röki’s distantly related to those LucasArts story-games that so many of us adore. I risk sounding pretentious by saying this is a game for people who enjoy a little thinking. Beyond that, it has a distinct style and a very meaningful story to tell. If you’re looking for a change from the more prevalent smash-cut style of adventure game, Röki is essential for you.

#6 Streets of Rage 4

Developers: DotEmu, Lizard Cube, Guard Crush

We all remember the classic series of beat em up games Sega released for the Genesis. Colorful, exciting, and full of brawling action. This fourth installment is an appreciative and respectful revival of everything you loved about the original SoR series. The graphics are far more comic book than video game, but they are lovely and the animation is just as splendid. Blaze and Axel return along with some new friends to once again take the fight to the garishly-garbed punkers and miscreants wandering the city. Tiny elements of other classic fist-and-foot 90s gold finds its way in (for instance, you can get points for beating the shit out of a junked car, a shout to SFII’s bonus rounds). While SoR4 isn’t a truly new idea, it’s a very valuable and enjoyable re-imagining of a franchise we all hoped would eventually show itself again. It has not failed to impress.

#5 Huntdown

Developer: Easy Trigger Games

This brutal indie action game will have you believing you’re playing it on a Sega Genesis. Gritty yet popping with color and flash, Huntdown places you in a dark near-future chock full of neon and blood. The pixel-based art is exquisite and the gameplay is like if NARC or the RoboCop video games were actually fun to play. I must comment on one striking element: the amazing voicework and sound effects seem to converge with the game’s lower-tech visual feel instead of clashing with it. Throw in a simple but very entertaining storyline along with well-placed cinematic storytelling transitions, and you have a game that will appeal to any diehard fan of run-and-gun scrollers.

#4 Spelunky 2

Developers: Mossmouth, Blitworks

The sequel to an equally wonderful platform adventure game, Spelunky 2 hands the story over to the next generation of explorers as they explore the Moon’s interior on the hunt for their lost kin. There is a ton of variety, and not just because of procedural generation. You’ll find yourself consistently intrigued and challenged by new and weird environments, as well as tested by various threats along the way. I also like any game that features non-annoying tutorials, and I must say that Spelunky 2’s is just what it should be. Plus you get pets! I’m all about that.

#3 Carrion

Developer: Phobia Game Studio

This shit is my jam. Reverse-horror is a genre I could stand to see more of, no matter how much we already have of it. Carrion knocks it out of the park. Immense detail and a slew of wise design choices make this game difficult not to enjoy. It’s even fun to watch, because it’s almost framed like a horror/sci fi film. There is no escaping Carrion’s atmosphere, and crawling around eating terrified humans as a sentient bio-waste monster never really gets stale. This one’s another example where the sound is higher-fidelity than the pixel graphics, again to excellent effect. So little needs explanation, despite the concept being an unusual one in so many ways. Carrion is wrapped in a neat, blood-stained package for you to pick up and discover your inner monster.

#2 Death and Taxes

Developers: Placeholder Gameworks, Pineapple Works

An incredible, unique story in the form of a game, Death and Taxes features an incredible narrative told with an irreverent but gentle sense of humor. In this puzzle/simulation title, you are Death, the Grim Reaper. As it turns out, your job is more of an office grind than a constant scythe-toting hunt for souls, and the lives and deaths you govern form your paperwork. In Death and Taxes, your decisions directly affect the rest of the story in such a complex fashion that the game has at least 30 possible endings. Its image-by-image style speaks to the oldschool story games that were popular on the PC-98 and Sharp x68000 computers in the 1990s. What’s different is the amazing artwork style and the fluidity created by the nuanced story design. Along with Röki, This is one for the thinkers… but it’s also lovely if you just like games that bother to tell a story.

#1 Spiritfarer

Developer: Thunder Lotus Games

“Spiritfarer is a cozy management game about death.”

Not my words. That is how the developer describes this fucking unspeakable work of high art. And they’re not being cute or edgy. In Spiritfarer, you play the skipper of a ferry that takes the souls of the dead to the hereafter. The art and visuals for this game are matched by its lovely dialogue and engaging management-based activities. You feel very much like you’re part of the meaningful story being told, and yet the game’s focus is mostly on its themes and message, not you. You’re a cast member, not necessarily the star, and you won’t mind at all because Spiritfarer isn’t just a game. It’s high art. Play this and get lost in it.

—

2020 has been a son of a bitch. Here’s hoping 2021 is brighter and better. I am proud of all of us for making it through, and I sincerely hope all of you NRW readers have a delightful holiday season full of love and merriment.

Oh, and stay retro!

Let’s talk about Dark Sun for a minute. I’ve been waiting for an excuse. Why not now?

Athas, the world of the Dark Sun D&D setting, is neck-in-neck with Spelljammer (D&D in SPACE, motherfuckers!) for the title of “Best Thing TSR Did Mostly Right.” X-Men meets Spartacus meets Mad Max meets Prince of Persia on bad acid. That’s the best way I can summarize the world of Athas in one colorful sentence.

The sun is dark red because the halflings had to use some of its energy to stop something called the Brown Tide a long time ago. Make a poop joke if you want, I’m not going to. Whatever went down, it fucked the halflings up bad, because they’re all basically cliff-dwelling cannibal murder hippies now. Not that most Athasian humanoids are any better in terms of cultural character.

A Land Scorched by Arcane Magic

The land is barren and dry, drained of vitality to fuel the potent magics of the Sorcerer Kings and others; arcane magic draws up on the life of the planet itself and must be rigorously metered if no fallout is desired. Those good-faith wizards are Preservers. They have a secret organization, the Veiled Alliance, that acts as a support network. This is mighty handy, considering most of the Sorcerer Kings order any unsanctioned wizard dead on sight. The city-states are ruled by the Sorcerer Kings, potent wielders of the other “type” of arcane power: defiling magic. Defilers draw upon the life of the planet with abandon, more concerned with power than with ethics. Everyone BUT the Sorcerer Kings kill defilers on sight… if they can.

Cosmology and Religion

“Doesn’t this shit hole have any gods?”

No. No it doesn’t.

People worship the elements, though, and that seems to work pretty well. There are priesthoods of water, air, earth, and fire, as well as composite elements like rain (rare on Athas), magma, silt, and sun. The elements have no real feelings about good or evil, law or chaos; even they, as proxy deities, value survival over all other concerns. All they desire is to be paid tribute and protected.

Templars are weird pseudo-priest administrators who carry out the Sorcerer Kings’ will; these soldier-bureaucrats are granted spells by their patron as if that Sorcerer King were a god.

Oh, there are druids, too.

Pictured: The end result of a career as a sorcerer-king. Not as sweet as you think. Every bit of magic you use requires a ton of living things to fuel it, and you have to eat spheres of pure obsidian that are very difficult to swallow. Daddy’s medicine isn’t always fun. You just think it is because your children’s Motrin doesn’t do shit.

So What’s This I Hear About Psionics?

Almost every living thing on Athas has some psionic (think psychic) capability. This includes (usually) every humanoid creature, including the players’ characters. It also tends to include giant lizards, marauding monsters, and even cacti.

Yes, on the world of Athas, even a cactus can fuck with your mind.

Some creatures – namely sapient, humanoid creatures – can further refine this raw ability by studying The Way. In game terms, this is represented by the psionicist character class. Psionics, while similar in effect to magic at first glance, works on a totally different level; while magic calls upon some exterior source for its power, psionic manifestation draws upon the inner will of its user and the inherent power of the mind. Does a cactus have a mind? Shut up, this is fantasy. This is Professor Xavier shit.

Heavy Metal, or Lack Thereof

One of the most viciously hardcore aspects of life in the world of Dark Sun is the scarcity of metals, especially the really useful ones you find in a standard fantasy setting, like iron/steel, copper, etc. Coins are ceramic, and even these can be split into “bits” for change. A silver coin represents a hefty sum to most people, and gold is nearly mythical to those below the status of nobility.

So what happens when two Athasians love each other very much and decide to murder one another? They use bone, stone, obsidian, or just wood. Metal equipment does exist, but if you’re carrying it around, odds are that you either 1) have power 2) stole that shit from someone who does (good luck staying alive). There are even a few setting-specific weapons, many of which originated from the arenas, that are specifically designed to be made of organic materials.

So if you’ve ever wanted to slay a man with the leg bone of a fictional herd animal, Athas is the place for you. Opportunities abound.

Forget Paul Stanley’s strutting ass. These guys are the kings of the night-time world.

Oppression, Fantasy Style

In the city-states run by the sorcerer-kings, as well as plenty of places beyond, human life is pretty cheap. A human being (or elf or dwarf or half-giant or whatever) is worth less than his weight in water or iron. Far less. Not only can this mean wholesale death, it also manifests by way of an unfortunately bustling slavery racket that is as ubiquitous to Athas as the sand of the desert. In some of the original adventure modules for the setting, the players even begin as slaves building the mysterious ziggurat of King Kalak of Tyr. This may seem like the least rewarding scenario ever, but obviously players can fight to free themselves (and even kill King Kalak). Slaves are used for all the mundane and even unsavory things they have been in real world history, including as gladiators. No lines mark anyone exempt from slavery, and even a noble who fails to pay a debt or breaks a law may find him or herself in chains.

While this may at first seem like a dire and depressing backdrop for any D&D campaign, it is actually meant to give the players something they can meaningfully strike blows against. The sorcerer kings themselves are monoliths of untouchable power. The world is blasted, and even with powerful magic, un-blasting it is kind of a pipe dream. But you can set people free from their bonds, thus inching the world of the Dark Sun a bit closer to what it should be.

This summary doesn’t do anywhere near full justice to the setting of Athas. If you’re interested in learning more, I recommend the Prism Pentad novels, as well as a copy of the Wanderer’s Journal booklet from the old box set (if you’re even minimally resourceful you can find this digitally, but it’s illegal for me to just share it). I just wanted to take advantage of the small bit of buzz and write about one of TSR’s greatest marks on the RPG industry. Athas is a unique world, a blend of inspirations and themes that captured the imagination of many roleplayers in the 1990s. If it is resurrected, it will likely be in a watered-down form not unlike they did for 4^th Edition (god damn you, WotC!) and I accept that. I will always have the original, undiluted smack to cherish.

Be careful out there in the wastes, and stay retro.

One of the downsides to this has been a total ignorance of anything new or cool; only recently was I talked into trying Among Us, and even then I only did it on mobile because it was free. The upside is that Doom can be a million different games with the right source port and add-ons.

The game you want it to be is Shrine.

Shrine and its sequel, Shrine II, are what Doom modders call “total conversions” or TCs. This means that the mod does more than change the game… it entirely presents Doom (or, more usually, Doom II) as a new game in itself. The first installment showed up in November of last year, so it isn’t what I’d call hot news, but I never feel like these things get the attention they deserve. The second installment, Shrine II, was released in June of this year. Both are “total conversions” following the same theme.

There isn’t much story given, but it is known that you play as a “skinless monstrosity” named Tusk, and you are fighting “the Eldritch Horde.” You won’t be able to make sense of much at first, but that’s the point. These games have a solid “weird factor.” You’ll marvel at the strangeness of your enemies, your weapons, and pretty much everything else. The great part is that if you’ve played the original Doom games, you’ve got the core skill set necessary. Just make sure you’re good. Shrine ain’t fuckin’ around with nobody. It’s a respectable challenge, and clearly Scumhead (the developer) knows FPS design.

You’ll face off against a menagerie of monsters, some of whom are very dangerous. Many of these enemies will prove to be less resilient than they seem, but be wary; almost every monster in this game can dish out a great deal of punishment to a player lacking in reflexes or awareness. Stay sharp. The weapons you find and use to murder the horde are often biological in nature, including a tooth-firing pistol and a chainsaw analog made from something’s spine. You may notice superficial leftovers from the Doom series, but that’s all they are. All of this shit is new and challenging.

The atmosphere is probably the best part, despite gameplay being absolutely stellar. The art has a much more “hand drawn” feel to it than Doom or Doom II, but it’s hand drawn really, really well. Careful palette use and effective lighting choices make the entire game an exercise in tension. Both games have an excellent soundtrack, the first one (I don’t know about the second) being by Filmmaker, one of the best and most talented indie music creators out there. The sound effects are gross or eerie, depending on what they represent, but they are also very good.

Shrine II is a continuation of the loose plot, with Tusk finding himself imprisoned before unseen aid releases him from his cell by arming him with a bone saw. This sequel keeps the same theme while rotating in a new set of weapons and enemies to keep things fresh. It’s every bit as challenging and weird as the previous installment, to the point where I consider these to be one game. In fact, that’s the only improvement I could possibly suggest.

As a pair, I rate Shrine and Shrine II 9 out of 10. I am very impressed with Doom mods that not only don’t suck, but totally re-envision the game without compromising anything. That has certainly been achieved here.

To the uninitiated, this sounds like something to be discarded. Something to be disregarded. Maybe even something gross. A wad of what? Snot? Toilet paper?

To those of us with some culture, WAD stands for “Where is All the Data?” It’s the file extension and format used by DOOM (1993) and all games using that engine when it comes to the raw game data. It is also the format used for add-ons, with the exception of modern source ports which often use the pk3 extension. Many Doom fanatics still usually call any add-on or swap a “wad,” though. It’s force of habit. At this writing, roughly 27 years of habit. We’re not breaking it now.

Ever since 1994 or so, when rabid Doom players began making their own levels for the game, there has been a more or less endless flow of WADs. While DOOM.WAD is called an IWAD or “internal wad,” These user-created files are “patch wads,” or PWADs.

I’m talking about those little PWADs today. Well, not all of them. I’d need several lifetimes, and I’d want to spend those several lifetimes doing something more productive, like learning to turn lead into gold or slowly forming a worldwide shadow empire with me on its hidden throne. I’ll stick to three PWADs today. None of them are just maps/levels, although one or more of them do add or change the layout of levels. These are WADs that alter gameplay in some way.

Note: I am playing/testing these wads and mods using GZDoom, and unless otherwise noted, a similar source port is best for optimal results.

Lasting Light (2013)

Author/Creator: Ral22

Link: https://forum.zdoom.org/viewtopic.php?t=37786

This is a fantastic example of a .pk3 file that turns Doom into a new game with minimal tampering. The maps are dark except for your lantern, which requires oil to keep lit. This oil can be found in little cans that seem to be the only pickups available, not to mention how sparse they are. And trust me, it’s better to keep that lantern lit… except when it isn’t.

You see, three different entities are skulking about in the dark, waiting to terrorize the living shit out of you. All of them react and behave differently. The Screecher can’t hurt you if you don’t look at it, but it makes itself pretty fucking hard not to look at by placing itself directly in your line of site suddenly and scaring the pants off you. The Creeper actually gets pissed off when you roll up with your lantern lit, but will leave you alone if it’s dark (which leaves you vulnerable to the asshole Screecher). The Stalker doesn’t give a shit if your light is lit. She just wants to murder you and you need to run and break line of sight as long as you can.

What? Yes, you are utterly defenseless. I know, that’s hard to accept when you’re playing Doom. Once I got over it, I actually found this mod really entertaining. It’s a creative little set of changes that totally turns Doom on its head and it made episode 1 of Doom into a challenge again. The music and atmosphere are really effective, and you’ll be jumping despite yourself when you get taken unawares.

Extreme Weapons Pack (2013)

Author/Creator: Doggo120

Link: https://forum.zdoom.org/viewtopic.php?t=37611

This one seems to only work with DOOM2.WAD and is barely a mod. It seems more like high-effort trolling. I’m not even in doubt. That’s exactly what it is. But it gave me a laugh when I first found it. Then I looked at the Zdoom forum topic (link above) and it’s not only a joke, but a fairly popular one. I’m a fan.

This mod makes the game considerably more challenging, and it does this by giving you the goofiest weapons possible. Your starting pistol will fire, at best, 3-4 shots (usually 1 shot) before requiring a good cleaning. Your normal shotgun pretty much doesn’t fire, and the double barrel one spins you around (the barrels are uneven) and takes forever to reload. The Chaingun takes a while to wind up (like an old school WW1 rotary gun) and fires at a pretty clumsy rate. It also has significant kickback. The rocket launcher fires slow-motion rockets that are usually duds. The plasma rifle is a vacuum cleaner. The BFG is… well, it’s faulty. Comically faulty.

The chainsaw is replaced by an electric toothbrush, which is probably the least ineffective of all the mod’s weapons, interestingly enough. As someone who appreciates (and sometimes engages in) alpha-level trolling/griefing, I find myself oddly in love with this hilarious piece of shit. It’s funny. I’d recommend sparing yourself the tedium of trying to beat Doom II with this mod, though. I’m sure it’s possible, but the joke wears thin well before that point unless you’re the right kind of insane (I’m not).

Diaz: Last Hours of Purity (2008)

Author/Creator: wildweasel

Link: https://www.doomworld.com/files/file/15465-diaz-last-hours-of-purity-ww-hits-collection/

I really enjoy this one. It’s a non-shitty attempt to create an entirely separate narrative, connected to the base Doom lore, but with a different storyline and character. From the lore text file (and I love that there is one):

The Research Crimes Prevention Agency (RCPA) is targeting the UAC over their controversially unethical research. Agent Diaz is sent as a peacekeeper to oversee their latest experiment, and to see if the evidence is correct. But of course, everything’s gone to Hell before she even gets there…

The mod itself features some excellent weapons with good implementation of more contemporary reloading and recoil mechanics. I especially enjoy the Mauser rifle and the big clunky revolver. The enemies are a handful and a half too. D:LHP replaces the standard, clumsy humanoid zombiemen with living, lethal soldiers (including a berserk experimental soldier with cyber-psychic enhancements that you can also use if they drop the module when they die). This mod makes Doom a bit more dangerous to play without being ridiculous about it, and it’s another mod that makes episode 1 of the original Doom a challenge again for this old jackal who knows the maps by muscle memory. It smooths the curve by making what used to be minor threats into things that can (and will) kill you. And don’t fucking forget to reload or you’re dead. Many of your weapons can be alt-fired as bludgeons, but they’re slow and don’t do much. Keep your weapons loaded and conserve ammo.

I’m reluctant to rate them, since many Doom WADs are a matter of taste. However, I like my own opinions about everything and you should too because my opinions are the best. So here goes.

LASTING LIGHT: 8/10 (Good concept, totally different gameplay that flips Doom’s axis completely in a refreshing way)

EWP: 6/10 (It’s a joke WAD, but it’s a pretty funny joke WAD)

DIAZ: 8/10 (Still Doom, but very different Doom, I feel like it’s a nice halfway point between Doom and modern FPS games)

Final note: some pedantic jerkwad on Discord tried to give me shit about my use of semicolons. I avoided using a single one in this article, just for you, jerkwad. I hope this gesture helps you heal and move forward.

In a couple of days you’ll be seeing another tabletop RPG article, but I felt like I owed you a video game article first. Stay Retro!

I’ve heard this more often lately. A lot of my friends and acquaintances suddenly have a much more open-minded opinion about my hobby now that everyone’s been forced into bored desperation. But one thing I’ve never been is a gatekeeper. I’m always eager to discuss tabletop RPGs with anyone who displays curiosity about them.

“Which system should I play?”

Now, there’s the important question, and it deserves a well-thought-out answer. There isn’t just Dungeons & Dragons. There are tons of popular systems on the market; some are genre-specific or cater to a preferred play style, and some are so amazingly simple or versatile that they can adapt to any story you and your friends want to play out. With tools like Roll20, Fantasy Grounds, etc., it is still totally feasible to play tabletop RPGs even if you and your crew don’t feel safe gathering in person yet. So, for those who have been thinking about it but haven’t gotten their feet wet yet, I’ve decided to run down the pros and cons of a few game systems worth your attention while you consider your options. This will be a multi-part series, and in this first part, I’m gonna bite into three of the rules sets I’ve been using in my two online gaming groups. Two of them are well-known, the third not so much. All three are a lot of fun and I encourage you to look into them beyond the scope of this article if you have interest in tabletop role playing.

Note: I have not provided hyperlinks to anywhere you can buy books, for two reasons. Firstly, reviewers shouldn’t do that without compensation from whoever they do that for, Secondly, if you’re actually interested in any of this, you’ll open a tab and do some Google searches. You’re grown. I may include hyperlinks to sites hosting Open Gaming License content (the parts of some game systems considered “fair use” or “public domain”) but, if and when you decide to buy the books, you do your own shopping and find a deal because this shit can be expensive.

5^th Edition Dungeons & Dragons (the current edition)

Wizards of the Coast

5^th edition (5e) D&D is the culmination of decades’ worth of development. This is the game that started a hobby. Luckily for you beginners, 5e is also both easy to learn and extremely popular among tabletop gamers of all experience levels.

The rules have been written with simplicity and inclusiveness in mind, and the rules set hasn’t been subject to quite as much uncontrolled growth as previous editions. Most of what WotC has been publishing for 5e has been campaign material and adventure modules – stuff meant to save Dungeon Masters work instead of more rules and expansions to keep track of (and worry about game balance because of). You still get to play with all the colorful different-shaped dice and the game still “feels” like D&D to everyone, but the math is kept simple and the rules are just clear enough to allow for easy play. The vagueness can also be a drawback, but in a game like this, the DM will want a little leeway to make rulings on the fly. The action can be as deadly (or non-deadly) as the group’s taste dictates. What’s more, there is a bustling organized-play community (both online and at gaming shops, put on your mask and go, it’s worth it) that can help introduce new players to the game and aid in finding peer groups for more casual play. You don’t even need to invest in the books first. Try it before you spend anything. That’s one major roadblock for potential new players; the game can seem prohibitive when the MSRP for a book is about $50 USD (its one major drawback, and one that it shares with certain other systems).

5e is what I’d recommend as the “first taste” for people curious about the hobby. You’ll at least understand what’s going on after observing gameplay for a few minutes. It’s also easy to try out being Dungeon Master; 5e’s Dungeon Master Guide is actually a guide instead of just a collection of data, something that sadly cannot be said of that book in earlier editions of the game. “Approachable” is the keyword here. If you find yourself craving “crunchier” rules that allow for more customization, or just want a ton more to choose from on either side of the DM screen… cut your teeth on this first and then try something like Pathfinder. However, if you like the idea of a rule set whose fully intended purpose is to stay as far out of the story’s way as possible, 5e is a fantastic choice.

Pathfinder 1e

Paizo

Pathfinder, easily the most option-rich (while still playable) tabletop system in the fantasy genre, is so customizable and adaptable that it’s not even that firmly glued to that genre if you don’t want it to be. Among what I’d call intermediate tabletop gamers – those who want more substance than 5e D&D offers but who don’t want to get out their calculators to play fucking Battletech – Pathfinder 1e is the go-to system.

As a player, you can build just about anything with these rules if all of the splatbooks (books containing expanded or new rules) are allowed; witches, psychics, fist-fighting lizard people, half-elemental martial artists, even gunslingers or magical androids… and that’s just some of what I’ve seen and done. Pathfinder is based on the 3.5 edition of D&D’s core rules, which were also very customization-friendly but needed a streamlining overhaul. That’s exactly what Paizo did.

For those new to Pathfinder, I offer this advice: if you have more experienced Pathfinder players in your play group, ask them for advice about building characters. While 5e D&D makes it hard to come up with an unplayable character, making haphazard character-building choices in PF can lead to you not really enjoying yourself if the rest of the group has successfully put together “optimized” builds. This is a more involved and intricate system, but the math and mechanics are still easy to pick up and will still seem reasonable when you witness them in real time play.

PF 1e’s only other major drawback, which mostly affects those who are still getting used to it, was best described by one of my fellow players as “analysis paralysis.” This is also referred to as “embarrassment of wealth.” There are so many choices, options, races/classes, etc. that it can hang you up if you aren’t used to swimming through it on your own. Do not be overwhelmed; ask for advice. While PF takes a little time to warm up to, it is a lot of fun and lets players really open it up and take it out on the highway in terms of creativity once they’re familiar with it.

Iron Heroes

Monte Cook/Malhavoc Press

Another cleaned-up iteration of D&D’s 3.5e rules, Iron Heroes is designed for low-magic play with an emphasis on action-packed combat and a “sword and sorcery” feel reminiscent of pulp fantasy like the works of Fritz Lieber and Robert E Howard. In fact, I currently run a campaign using this rule set that is based heavily on Howard’s Conan stories, and this system is beautiful for that type of thing.

Combat is the focus of Iron Heroes, and every character class reflects its own general approach to murdering your foes. You can be clever, brutal, sneaky, versatile, you name it. The exception is the Thief class, which places far more emphasis on indirect problem solving (social manipulation, scheming, etc.) but still manages to hold its own in a fight. Magic-using characters are typically used as villains in campaigns using these rules, and almost never permitted as player characters.

Unlike many fantasy systems out there,armor doesn’t serve to negate a hit in combat. It instead helps mitigate damage taken. In exchange, characters’ defensive capabilities are directly tied to a class-based bonus. I mean, take Conan for an example: the dude is rarely depicted wearing armor, and tends to stay alive and relatively unhurt due to his sheer rippling badass battle prowess. You are all warriors in Iron Heroes; it’s just that “warrior” is more broadly defined and allows for a a lot of different play styles. A token-based system allows for great deeds of martial heroism without magic, and a multi-tiered system of “feats” (custom ability trees meant to reflect different sets of tactics) enable characters to specialize or generalize while playing around with the elaborate-but-sensible combat rules. There is a lot that goes into Iron Heroes, but it is easy for players to unpack as they go and mostly fits in the one book (though a Player’s Companion is available with a few expanded options). Game Masters will find the last chapters of the book very enlightening, especially the guidelines for adapting material from other d20 System sources (3.5, etc.). My favorite thing about Iron Heroes is that you really only need the Core Rulebook and a touch of creativity to make a really fun world for your swordsmen, amazons, archers and ruffians to explore (and paint red with the blood of their foes).

If your group wants to capture that gritty, raw feel of things like the Conan Saga or even Game of Thrones, this system is worth looking into. It’s a great system if you try other fantasy stuff and you discover that you enjoy the feel of a trusty sword-arm over the sometimes overwhelming flash of spells and sorcery.

In the next installment, we’ll examine a few systems that branch out from standard fantasy into other genres. You’ll likely get a video game-related article in the meantime. Everyone keep your heads up, stay sane and safe, and most importantly, stay retro.

Special thanks to Jonah Skrove (whose own works deserves a look), Zach Copic, Ben Pearce, and Quentin Walker.

Werewolf: The Last Warrior

Data East, 1990

So let me start off with one for the NES, since I just said that.

Data East made a game about a werewolf with swords for hands and released it in North America several months before releasing it at home in Japan. I like to imagine that the conversation leading up to this decision involved the statement, “the Americans will eat this shit up.” That’s what I’d say. And I’m American. We love our nacho hot dogs and our spicy-ranch burger nuggets, and we love our idea mashups too. We’re basically a nation of five-year-olds. I’m lumping myself in too, don’t worry. I am thirty-seven years old and still struggle with the idea that I’m not supposed to eat cake as a meal. I’m not looking down my nose at anyone here. Especially since the idea of a werewolf with swords for hands is pretty fucking cool.

I, a proud American, am in fact eating this shit up.

There is a plot, but you can throw it in the trash along with the cellophane the box came wrapped in. Something about an evil doctor who takes over the world with mutants and how the world’s last hope is some werewolf with swords for hands. You have an ANGER METER that you fill with bubbles to get stronger/jump higher, and you pick up W’s to transition from man to beast and back. Being a man sucks. Be the beast. The beast that can still totally handle ladders with his sword hands and whose hourglass figure is the envy of all the ladies about town.

Pictured: them hips and them knife-hands totally working it… into a sewer.

I have no real complaints about Werewolf: The Last Warrior, nor does it really distinguish itself too strongly in terms of presentation. It has some pretty cool cinematic bumps in between levels, but after a little while it gets irritating to start a level and have a cut scene immediately interrupt it after you take like three fucking steps. I enjoy the separate mechanics of being a werewolf and being really fucking mad. Our hero can be absolutely furious AND/OR be a ravenous wolf-man, and I think it’s important to teach young people that being as pissed off as possible gives you superhuman power independent of any separate moon-shifting curse you may have. It’s part of the human condition. The music and sound are adequate, and most importantly, the fun factor is there. I got tired of WTLW less quickly than I expected. 7 out of 10 for a novel (if silly) concept done decently.

Cross Fire

Sanritsu Denki/Kyugo, 1990

Imagine if Contra kind of sucked. That’s Cross Fire.

I’m sticking with “kind of sucked” because this game is playable. It’s just not as awesome as Contra and made me want to play Contra again instead. It makes me imagine an executive showing Contra to some desperate and underpaid developers and suggesting they also make Contra. Compared to the werewolf with sword hands idea, this is fucking shameful. So, to risk sounding repetitive here: it’s Contra with a life bar, and instead of defeating an alien menace intent on ruling the world, you’re just some soldier asshole who “fights evil” (looks for trouble) worldwide. But be ready to basically play a slower Contra with shittier everything.

This is to art what a hammer is to a delicate porcelain plate.

I won’t call the graphics terrible, but I could. What I will call them, out loud and with a sneer on my face, is lazy. This is low-effort shit for 1990, and I’m including placement in that assessment, not just quality. Your audio experience will not be much better. Fuck it, it won’t be any better at all. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. I will give Cross Fire one positive appraisal: it isn’t totally unplayable if you can deal with:

1) looking at it

2) hearing it

3) feeling vaguely insulted by it

It doesn’t totally suck. It just mostly sucks, and only because it was allowed to. 4 out of 10 out of sheer contempt for Cross Fire.

Atomic Runner Chelnov

Data East, 1988

In real life, the only powers that radiation will give you are the superhuman power to always be sick and the special ability to eventually die of radiation. Chelnov is another classic example of the trope we’ve never truly let die: a man who became a superhero instead of a charred corpse or a short-term hospice patient due to nuclear radiation. He’s an Atomic Runner now, and he’s running for his goddamned life from the KGB or some other “secret organization” that wants his powers for evil. Slings and arrows, man. Every fucking time.

I don’t feel like it’s entirely outlandish that this makes me uncomfortable on some small level.

I know this is a forced-scrolling game, but it’s still very much a platformer; it’s like playing those “athletic” self-scrolling Mario levels in sequence while Data East throws some giant zombie arms and metal-helmeted fire dinosaurs in there for good measure. The scrolling only stops when it’s boss time. There are a variety of weapons and power ups (six counts as variety, shut up) to find, and you’ll want them. Part of what’s so fun about this game is just looking at it; both the arcade and Mega Drive versions are gorgeous for their time, especially some of the background art like the weird person-tree jungle and the Aztec-esque temple area. Chelnov also offers fantastic gameplay, combining a little bit of constant pressure (the nonstop movement) with a ton of action (everything is intent on murdering you, as usual).

My only complaint about it is possible burnout; I’m glad I took a shot at it on emulator so I could save my game state, just so I had a few minutes to look away now and again. I cannot imagine playing this shit in the arcade. Not only do I hate being watched by strangers, I also sweat at the most inopportune times and I’m sure I’d look like a Butterball turkey in a convection oven while playing this. 8 out of 10.

The Incredible Hulk

Probe, 1994

“At least it’s not any Spider-Man game.”

I am so tired of superhero-themed shit, especially the Marvel Cinematic Universe we’ve had force-marketed to us as a combo of sociopolitical “message” and barely-written entertainment. Feel free to email me if you would like to defend milady Marvel Comics at court. I have always liked the Hulk, though. The Hulk gets shit done in perhaps the most honest and cathartic way of any of Marvel’s woke-soap-opera characters: by absolutely losing his shit and stomping the bad guys a new asshole.

Pictured: Hulk tearing Abomination a new, improved, second asshole.

This is one of the few playable early-console-era games licensed by Marvel. I’ve talked about LJN and their sins against us ever since I started writing for NRW, and I will let God smash the gavel on that shit. This game is decent, despite being published by the eternal shit-puddle U.S. Gold. Probe kept this game simple without making it too vanilla. When you give me a controller and the Hulk is on the other end of it, I expect to be tearing shit up worse than Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel on a bender.

You don’t really get that here, but what you do get is a game where the Hulk isn’t a hapless clumsy asshole like every digital version of Spider-Man you saw during this era (except Maximum Carnage, that was fairly good). They can’t have you tearing down buildings all over the place or taking antitank rounds to the chest while laughing, but the Hulk still feels pretty Hulky. You get a decent set of special moves to beat up the Leader’s robots with, including bear hugs, head butts, and a very MK-esque uppercut. It is also decently difficult to harm the Hulk, despite his invulnerability being watered down for a video game. Things don’t get too challenging until they get weird later on in places like space. That’s where shit should start getting challenging for anyone.

Everything looks great, very much arcade-quality without diverging too far from the comics feel of the source material. The Hulk’s walk is kind of goofy, this weird arrogant stomp-march, but I guess he can walk however he wants. He’s the Hulk. Non-shitty digitized sounds are accompanied by an OST that sounds vaguely like the one for Sonic Spinball here and there (which is far from a negative thing). 8 out of 10.

Jewel Master

Sega, 1991

This game is totally my kind of shit. Deep-ass fantasy lore intro (here is a link), elemental magic, a demon lord… shit, what else do you want?

You punch fireballs out of your hands and collect elemental rings to combine for use in your mystical ass-kicking of evil. If you ever played Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, it’s a bit like the DSS Card System, but way less frustrating and slow to build. Another neat angle is how certain types of monsters may be more or less vulnerable to certain elemental attacks; it’s a small but welcome element of basic strategy that adds a bit of additional satisfaction to giving the demon king’s minions an ass whooping.

This dragon doesn’t stand a chance against me in the dance-off.

Like too few of its run-and-shoot platformer buddies, Jewel Master allows the player to aim and shoot upward, instead of just having things come at you from overhead and fuck you up while you sort of waggle your arms forward like John McCain and look foolish. I will never stop dunking on two things in this world: politicians and Mega Man.

It’s a Genesis game developed by Sega, so Jewel Master is pretty damn good all across the board. Its audiovisual artisanship is on par with arcade games of the era, as one would expect from the console itself, let alone games made by the console’s developer. The composer was apparently really into prog-rock, and it sort of shows in the soundtrack, which is probably my favorite part of Jewel Master by a nose. 8 out of 10.

That finishes out May, RetroFans. See you in June! Stay Retro!

Part of what makes the game and its history so awesome to me is the artwork from its books and publications. The newer versions have very crisp, heavily stylized art that speaks more to an MMO flavor; I have always valued the old school art more, both for its “purity” of style and for its plain beauty. When the intellectual property was in the hands of TSR, creativity was unbound and wild. This not only applied to the worlds presented in the various products, but the images used to represent those worlds. This article is a small love letter to that purity of expression. I’ve found five pieces of artwork by five iconic D&D artists, each of whom are synonymous with the game itself in the minds of old school fans everywhere.

Note: Many pieces of official art were re-used by TSR to fill out multiple RPG products they published over the years; this was done most frequently in their later years as the company waned in fortunes and sought to get mileage out of old assets while pushing the limits of the game itself. I will provide all the information I can about each image, but at the very least I have made sure to correctly name the artist and at least one known product the image was used in.

Fred Fields

“Mind Flayer”

Ravenloft: Thoughts of Darkness, 1992

The Illithids, or mind flayers, are iconic monsters that came directly from the lore of D&D and were not drawn from external myth, legend, or literature. Terrifyingly intelligent creatures, these fiends both consume and control the minds of other sapient beings in order to further their own existence. Armies of brainwashed slaves furnish both cannon fodder and food. With their “mental blast” attack and various other psychic abilities, illithids present a daunting challenge to mid-level adventuring parties and can annihilate the very hopes and dreams of unprepared rookie groups. Any veteran of the hobby knows that a battle against mind flayers will require both courage and caution. They’re not to be casually fucked with, unless being a brain-dead portable meal or servant appeals to you as a career path.

Fred Fields has rendered one of these horrible beings in nearly photographic detail, while preserving the fantastic nature of the subject for us to marvel at. And be afraid of. Very afraid of.

Erol Otus

“Creeping Doom”

1^st Edition AD&D Rogues Gallery, 1980

“Ooh, finally some fresh brai- OH SHIT WHERE DID ALL THESE BUGS COME FROM SORRY SORRY DO OVER OUCH OW FUCK”

“Creeping Doom” is a powerful spell available to druids and other priest-type characters in D&D that calls forth massive swarms of bugs to devour anything remotely edible in their path. In this example by the legendary Erol Otus, the spell is being turned upon one of the aforementioned mind flayers. The monster does not look too pleased to be snuggling one of the Old Testament plagues, and may be reconsidering its options.

Erol Otus’s style is phantasmagorical and cartoonish at the same time. I love the exaggerated expressions and the weirdness of every detail… and there is always so much detail. Otus is a master of illustrating strange things in a memorable way. His work for D&D was mostly limited to 1^st edition, which was a bit before my time, but I have developed a love for his style nonetheless. This illustration is my favorite of his; it has immediate impact and conveys the action so well you can almost envision it moving.

The wild sense of panic on the face of the normally inscrutable and soulless mind flayer is what anchored this drawing in my mind for years after seeing it.

Larry Elmore

“Dragon Slayers and Proud of It”

2^nd Edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook, 1989

I remember the first dragon I helped bring down as a player. It wasn’t even evil; it was a sapphire dragon (lawful neutral) that simply gave us no other choice after we accidentally intruded upon its territory, refusing to listen to what we had to say. Unfortunate, but it made for a memorable encounter during my formative years as a player. Most of us who play D&D can tell you about our first dragon kill if we’ve ever had one. Even young dragons of “weaker” types make for challenging foes. They are intelligent, powerful, versatile, and have centuries to plan for visits from foolhardy heroes who would claim their hoards of treasure.

Look how tired but proud they are, having bagged a young green dragon after what we can only imagine was a pitched and tense battle. I especially love the female warrior, leaning on her sword, dirty and scuffed but absolutely thrilled to have conquered he beast. There aren’t (normally) any cameras in D&D worlds, but they look like they’re posing for a photo, like fisherman with a huge catch. Lots of pathos and identity in this image. Larry Elmore captures well here what it really means to be an adventurer. And don’t feel bad for the dragon; greens can ruin an otherwise idyllic forest and are very much evil creatures. Think of this dragon-slaying as an act of ecological conservation.

Jeff Easley

“Astral Dreadnought”

Cover art for Manual of the Planes (1^st edition AD&D), 1987

You may immediately recognize that monster’s face. Yes, it served as the basis for the design of DOOM’s cacodemon. That’s how far-reaching the influence of Jeff Easley’s fantastic art really is. Easley is one of the most talented and prolific contributors to D&D’s art library, and easily in my personal top three fantasy artists, period. Here we see the actual creature, an astral dreadnought, chasing a very unfortunate mage through the silver void of the Astral Plane that connects the Prime Material (D&D’s “real world” dimension) to other dimensions known as the Outer Planes (Limbo, the Nine Hells, the Abyss, Elysium, etc.). Dreadnoughts are horrifically powerful creatures that prowl the Astral Plane looking for food. This wizard needs to hope he can escape before he becomes a chicken nugget to this gigantic terror. That won’t be easy, since it’s one of the most potent creatures to be found on any of the planes and it cannot be reasoned with.

Easley produces classical-quality art, bringing fantastic things to life in a realistic yet cinematic style. Light, shadow and texture are represented expertly, lending depth and terrifying tangibility to his scenes. One can open almost any major TSR publication from the 80s-90s and see at least one piece of work by Easley. Whether it’s a painting like this one or a black and white ink drawing, it fucking pops. Just like this busted-ass wizard’s gonna pop like a cherry tomato in the dreadnought’s unspeakable mouth.

Gerald Brom

“Dark Sun”

Dark Sun Campaign Setting Box Set, 1991

Athas, the dry and barren world of the Dark Sun campaign setting for AD&D, is a stark departure from standard fantasy. It’s like Mad Max and Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards animated film cross-bred with Star Wars’s Tattooine and mixed in a bevy of real-life Earth’s cultures from Antiquity. The world is dying, every living thing has psychic potential, life is brutal, and survival itself is a dire struggle. The magic of wizards is fueled by the dwindling energies of the barren earth, and the closest thing to gods are the four elements themselves. Water and metal are scarce and valuable, and even the more “civilized” areas such as city-states are chaotic places where death is only a heartbeat away. Dark Sun is hardcore as fuck. Be ready.

Two of the protagonists from the novels (which I heartily recommend to any fantasy reader with a taste for the unusual) are represented on the right hand side of this panorama; Agis of Asticles, Tyrian nobleman and master mind-bender, wipes clean his precious steel sword as the human-dwarf hybrid Rikus steps up behind him, ready to deal death with the honed expertise he has learned in the slave arenas of Tyr. The twin moons, Ral and Guthay, shine down on a scene of battle in the wastes outside the city, showcasing the unique flavor of the setting and illustrating the desperate struggle that is life on Athas.

Brom’s art is well-loved even outside of D&D. He is another artist in my top three of all time, with a gritty sense of texture and a knack for creating unique-looking figures within stark landscapes. Brom can make anything look badass or creepy, and his art became the lens through which D&D fans would come to see the world of Dark Sun. Nearly every DS product until the second/revised box set features cover art by Gerald Brom, and this allowed him to shape Athas for us at a glance. No one could have done it better.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at classic RPG art, and I will continue to revisit tabletop gaming from time to time in order to add variety to the normal video-gaming fare I write for NRW. Keep your eyes peeled for more gaming-related content, and Stay Retro!

Donkey Kong is credited as the first true “platformer,” and you bet your ass I double-checked in Google because you’d think some obscure forerunner of that game would hold the title, but no, it’s just plain old fuckin’ Donkey Kong. Running around like a ninny and performing very unsafe long jumps at great heights would go on to become the basis of countless titles, because it really was the best game in town.

Platform titles were so popular during the 80s and 90s, in fact, that almost every developer tried making one just to see if it would sell. Sometimes these games were predictably shitty, but once in a while there would be a diamond in the sand, waiting for us to discover it and rent it three consecutive times and then forget to return it for six months so that the video store just charges us for it and it’s ours now… despite that gold sticker the rental store put on it. Today I’ve picked out five from the NES game library for us to dissect. Let’s make the first incision…

Dragon Fighter

Natsume, 1990

Now, this is not called Dragon Fighter because you go out of your way to fight dragons, but neither is the title only a vague reference to the mythical beasts. When you’re not prancing around as a warrior with a fondness for ornate hats and what look like spandex onesies, you can dead ass transform into a fucking dragon and tear shit up just about as severely as you’d expect a dragon to tear shit up. All this awesome shit is limited (of course) by a gauge that fills up in human form and then ticks down while in epic-murder-monster-myth-mode.

The jump-and-slash formula is pretty well-represented here, at least when you’re not in dragon form; when you change shape the game takes on an R-Type/Gradius vibe as you begin to gently “rail” to the right and shoot down oncoming threats with your color-coded dragon breath. The compulsion exists to just hammer through the game haphazardly in dragon mode, but I found myself saving up my dragon-time for whatever waited at the end of each stage. Gameplay feels good either way.

Unashamed use of color and a ton of variety really help the graphics stand out; we’re not looking at anything groundbreaking for a 1990/91 release for the NES, but it’s a decent looking game. Dragon Fighter’s audio experience is acceptable, but nothing to write home about. Composer Kouichi Yamanishi keeps things basic with the music, but it’s far from boring or repetitive. My only hairs to split are that 1) the dragon form looks a bit gaudy all solid-color with such bright hues 2) is he dead serious with his unitard or whatever? Unitard + knee-high “fuck me” boots + long-billed feathered cap?

What does that equal? It equals 6 out of 10, because while it’s not necessarily a classic, Dragon Fighter has a neat gimmick and plays like more than minimal effort went into it.

Shatterhand

Jaleco/Natsume, 1991

Just the intro animation sells this one. Shatterhand is the heartwarming story of a man who lost both his arms, only to rise above adversity… by pummeling adversity into rubble with his new robot arms. You can even punch bullets! There are also different kinds of little helper-robots you can get, presumably when the automatons get a look at your chromed-out “guns” and recognize you as a fellow Skynet agent. No, wrong story. This one is mostly about you and your little hovering robot helpers beating the shit out of some cyber-soldiers to save the world and get revenge on them for taking your normal human meat-arms… but maybe you should be thanking them! After all, could you punch bullets before?

Let me answer that for you, nerd: no, you fucking couldn’t.

Shatterhand is a blast to play, but I could do without the elaborate pickup system. And don’t tell me I’m simple. I know I am. And that’s how you should keep your pickups in games like this. Don’t have me playing punch-Tetris on the fly trying to pick a Greek letter. It’s a cool way to have all the types of helper robots, but come on. You could have just had them, without all the fiddlin’ and diddlin’. Otherwise the game plays well and has a respectable challenge to it. The graphical style sits somewhere between the rich detail of a Sunsoft game and the effective simplicity of something like Contra. Composers Iku Mizutani and Hiroyuki Iwatsuki deliver a soundtrack every bit as hard-hitting as the game’s protagonist.

Shatterhand would be an 8 if not for the weird powerup system and the eventual repetitive nature of the gameplay. Instead it’s a solid 7 out of 10. I know a bunch of you think this game’s a total classic, and you’re not wrong, but maybe I give things lower ratings than they deserve because I suck at video games, okay?

Kick Master

KID, 1992

And so we go from arms to legs with Kick Master, one of the better-loved platformers of the late NES era, and for very good reason. Along with its fantasy theme, we see yet another decent melding of the action game essentials with some basic RPG elements (leveling up, etc.) as a continuation of a trend established in Legend of Zelda, Crystalis, etc. In Kick Master, your life has been royally fucked up by a powerful witch named Belzed, who has killed the king and queen and kidnapped the princess (natch). Your dumbass brother somehow gets killed by a skeleton (a circus-peanut-tier monster) even though your brother is wearing armor and wielding a sword when this happens. His dying words are so patently absurd that you are agape in shock:

The thing is, you do kind of have “great kicking skills.” You’ve got magic, too… but the kicking. The kicking is what’s great. Stay focused on that.

The graphics for Kick Master are superb for their time, with early examples of parallax scrolling visible and some dynamic (if laughably poorly written) cut scenes. You fly around the screen in a well-animated fury, raining hell (and feet) down upon your foes across eight stages filled with lush backgrounds. For all your kickmastery and wizarding bullshit, the controls aren’t cumbersome, either. I wish I could praise the sound, but it’s not great. In fact, the boss at the end of the swamps makes a horrible noise that sounds like a high-gain modem dial-up sound being recorded through too mics that are way too close together. Yo, why did you choose to put that sound in any game? It made me think my ROM was fucking up… no, it’s just Kick Master.

7 out of 10 for Kick Master. Terrible sound, mitigated by a fun and innovative RPG hybrid play style.

Bucky O’Hare

Konami, 1992

This intellectual property, which followed among others in the wake of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, is actually criminally undervalued. I remember the cartoon (and its theme song) to be well-written as if someone still loved what they had created… or at least had money to spend on it for a while.

The NES game is no exception, positively gleaming with Konami quality throughout. With a splash of color true to the source material, the game spans four worlds rendered in vivid, exaggerated terms. Not only does Bucky O’Hare look like a Konami Game, it sounds like one too; Tomoko Sumiyama’s soundtrack milks every bit of that distinctive Konami soundset we all know and love, producing laudable results worthy of any flagship title. Gameplay is a masterpiece, though many find Bucky O’Hare to be a bit difficult (including little old me). Characters can be played as they are rescued, and there are reasons to play each one, not unlike how certain parts of the Mega Man games are best done in sequence…

A firm 8 out of 10 despite it being so fucking hard I can barely finish the first level.

The Krion Conquest

Vic Tokai, 1990

Do you like Mega Man? Good, because you’re playing a reskinned Mega Man. Robots are still trying to take over the world, but these robots are from space and they’re vulnerable to magic, motherfucker. Krion Conquest is another one of those games that had a plot when it got on the airport in Japan but must have left it under the seat of the plane. The long and short of it: you’re a witch “from a place full of demons” and you’re the only one who can hurt all the robots.

Leave it to a knockoff to improve on the formula of what it rips off. You can aim upward and crouch in this game, two things that Mega Man, a futuristic android hero, simply cannot manage to do. So as strange as this may sound, I find Krion Conquest slightly more playable than any of the first three Mega Man games, just due to the added versatility of being able to look upward and point my wand-thingy up there too. Seriously, of all the things a state-of-the-art futuristic cyber-champion CAN’T do, it’s crane his neck and lift an arm above his head? There are men in their nineties who have Mega Man outclassed.

The graphics and sound are all over the place. Some of it is, well, just Mega Man sprites used as a tracing stencil. I won’t even itemize all of what’s ripped directly off; even the “GET READY” at each stage’s beginning and the life bar/weapons menu are barely given a new coat of paint. Most of the enemies look like if you paid the folks at LJN to redraw Mega Man baddies, but after buying those LJN folks a few shots of liquid hillbilly brain damage juice. The Krion Conquest has two composers, and two heads are… about the same as one in this case. Most of the music, regardless of its other points of quality, comes off as repetitive.

Krion Conquest can have 5 points out of 10 for at least cheating well. It’s a bag of blatant borrowing, but it’s at least playable.

We’ll be seeing more of each other later in the merry month of May, RetroFans! Best Believe!

I’m not ashamed or embarrassed at all to admit that I even get a little teary-eyed at the right piece of VG music if I’m in the right frame of mind. What does shame me is that I’ve spent so little time talking about that here – the music itself. I’ve chosen a few pieces of music to talk about, and I’ll provide a link for readers to listen along with me. I bet some of you know these soundtracks by heart the same way I do though… you can probably call them up in your mind just like I can.

Everyone’s looking for ways to cope right now, and music is fantastic tool for that. Let’s immerse ourselves in it today like a nice hot bath. Let’s listen. Everyone’s been going through some rough shit lately, and we’re not going to talk about that at all, because everyone’s sick of it. We’re going to forget the lousy news and the stress and uncertainty of it all, and we’re going to pursue some self-care together. Let’s listen to some video game music.

Crash Man Stage Music

Mega Man II

Capcom, 1988

Composer: Takashi Tateishi

Ooh there’s energy in this one. Like… I love funk. I love jazz. Those types of music pick me up and keep me smiling and snapping my fingers when things get rough or I get discouraged. I think Jazz is medicine. And this piece is funky. Like you want to move. And in Crash Man’s stage, you certainly can’t sit still. The octave-walk on the bass line, the smooth but busy lead riffs… that’s fucking jazz fusion. And it bops. It makes you bop with it.

I have also found a sick remix of this using the MD/Genesis sound set… it is cherry. Turn the key in this motherfucker and drive.

Main Theme

Space Harrier

Sega, 1985

Composers: Yuzo Koshiro, Hiroshi Kawaguchi, Mark Cooksey

For an action-oriented ride like Space Harrier, this is such hopeful and upbeat music. The lovely harmonies and steady 80s rock beat lend this track a sense of forward movement, which is entirely appropriate and forms a huge part of the game’s charm game for me. You can tell that while there are aliens and obstacles to be blasted in the Fantasy Zone, Sega’s composers wanted you to remember: life can be fun. You’re playing a video game. Escape. “Welcome to the Fantasy Zone! Get ready!”

Thunder Landing (Stage 1 Theme)

Super Contra

Konami, 1988

Composer: Motoaki Furukawa (Club Kukeiha)

The music you put in the first stage/area/level of your video game can have a huge impact on how memorable it is. I always loved this one because it sets the tone for the entire game right out of the starting gate; You get that nice intro riff as your drop out of the helicopter, and that weighty orchestra hit comes back to… well, hit you.

Side note: I’ve probably gushed over this before, but Konami has always placed a high value on their music and the composers they use. I like to think it’s part of why they’re still in the ring after all these years. The Contra series is no exception.

Toxic Dump (Parts 1 and 2)

The Ooze

Sega, 1995

Composer: Howard Drossin

Yo, let me start by saying I love this fucking game. You get to play as an amorphous blob of green mutant ooze. It’s incredibly innovative and fun, and it has a killer soundtrack to boot. This is another good example of “make the level 1 music pop so they take notice.” I could listen to it on loop for a while.

I almost want to call this shit thrash-funk. Funk-thrash. You sort it out. You tell me. I just dig it. It’s dirty but frenetic. If Quentin Tarantino directed an Oscar the Grouch segment for Sesame Street this music might work well for it.

But that should never, ever happen. Or should it?

Evergreen (Ending Theme)

Castlevania 3/Akumajou Densetsu

Konami, 1989

Composers: Yoshinori Sasaki, Jun Funahashi, Yukie Morimoto

This one’s just a little piece of beauty to help close out an incredible masterpiece of a game. CV3 is one of the finest in the series (at least in my opinion), with the JP version utilizing that delicious VRC6 cartridge expansion to enrich and deepen the music’s body. To some people (who suck), it’s just some low-bit “strings” layered over each other. To me, this track speaks of comfort. The relief and peace of a job well done. Fuck you, Dracula. Get a hobby. Stop bothering us.

But then, if he ever did, we’d run out of Castlevania juice. I need that shit. I’m thirsty. (the third season of the show is so good!)

All right RetroFans… I’ll be back with more goodness later on. Stay safe and sane, and most importantly, Stay Retro!

Well, I’ve got five more classic video game enemies to showcase in today’s article. I’ve got more goons. More thugs. More troublesome cronies. Let’s get to it!

ROLLER

Sonic The Hedgehog, 1991

Roller is another one who’s just a dyed-in-the-wool total asshole. I’m not sure why his name is Roller and not something more sinister; he does roll, but “Roller” in my mind implies some sort of smoothness of motion. Roller’s presence in Sonic the Hedgehog is about as smooth as suffering a debilitating stroke or suddenly finding the corpse of a jogger on a greenway.

You first run into this unconscionable ball-breaker in the Spring Yard Zone, an environment that is a chore in and of itself. Roller comes zooming out of left field at bullet-speed, just as you being to relax and think… and only meticulous memorization of his favorite spots, coupled with lightning reflexes, will save you. So in my case, the little blue hedgehog is proper fucked.

Perhaps the eeriest thing about Roller is how, when in motion, he almost sort of looks like Sonic. Maybe it’s some form of foreshadowing since Sonic does eventually fight a robot version of himself (I forget if it’s in 1 or 2, go easy on me, I’m sleep deprived), or maybe it’s just a little nuance meant to psych you out. Well, I’m easy to psych out. I do it to myself daily. I’m lucky if I can even take a leak without panicking.

PHANTO

Mario 2/Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic, 1987

Everyone knows about this one, but here it is anyway. This nightmarish, ephemeral motherfucker absolutely HATES people messing with his keys. Actually, any keys. To whom the key belongs is no concern. Just don’t touch it. Don’t even fucking look at it. Phanto’s had it. He will eat your little pink guts out, Mario. He will swallow Toad whole and trip balls on his viscera. Even the Princess isn’t exempt; float all you want, bitch, he’ll find you.

I actually no-joke enjoy the challenge Phanto adds to the game. There ought to be at least a couple non-boss baddies in any game that make your gut clench and your pulse quicken. Phanto delivers. He scares the shit out of me. I will actually utter a thin cry of alarm when I seem him start to move. I’m hardly conscious of it. I’m far more conscious of Phanto. He looks like he knows how scary he is, and he gets off on it. Phanto’s worse the more you consider him as a thinking creature. Let’s stop. Eugh.

LIKE-LIKE

Legend of Zelda, 1987

Like-Likes not only have one of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard for a monster in a video game, but they also serve an incredibly specific purpose that doubles their absurdity factor. Neither their name nor their diet of large shields, however, make Like-Likes any less of a concern when you run into them. A Like-Like is essentially a super low-gauge Fleshlight given motive intelligence and an appetite.

I fucking hated saying that as much as you probably hated hearing it, folks… but I’ll never lie to you, even if it means force-feeding you absolutely godless ideas like this.

I won’t even post pics of what this thing looks like in later, more graphics-rich installments of the Zelda franchise. Words like “peristalsis” come to mind. It’s like a Lovecraftian Pokemon. Not as awesome as it may sound. Not by far.

Aside from the utter grossness of it, the Like-Like’s a day-ruiner because it will take your large shield away. The large shield is an essential item later in the game that costs a decent chunk of change to buy or replace, not to mention you’ll need to trek all the way out of the dungeon you’re in and back to a shop just to get another shield. They’re not so much lethal as they are a huge pain in the ass if you’re not careful.

THE SPACE INVADERS

Battletoads, 1991

The developers of Battletoads sat down and decided they were going to make a game of legendary difficulty. They did an absolutely fantastic job of it, that’s inarguable. Battletoads beats the living shit out of me without fail, even with cheats and two players and extensive foreknowledge of what awaits me.

What they didn’t need to do: dig up a 1978 arcade game and employ its tiny pixelated aliens to humiliate and insult me in my darkest hour.

These dicks just glide up and pluck the blocks from your life bar as if it were nothing. Then they fly away with it. It’s just gone. No injury, no battle. You can catch them, but they are often a bit too graceful. Not to mention they often show up while other things are going on. Your attention is divided and your life runs through your fingers like water.

I don’t know if it’s unfair or not, but it sure is demoralizing when some little beep-boop Atari motherfuckers snatch the vitality from your veins with the same workmanlike calmness as someone installing a refrigerator in your home.

LET’S TALK ABOUT ABOBO AND THE FUCKING HAIR

Double Dragon and Double Dragon 2, 1987-88

Let’s lighten things up a bit to close this out. We don’t need to get into the details of Abobo; we all know who he is. He’s even a meme. Hell, what isn’t a meme at this point? Anyway, when we first see the brute in Double Dragon, he’s got a head smooth as a cue-ball. This had me thinking, “okay, this guy’s balding, or he’s got something going on, but he’s making this work for him. I can relate.”

Then in the second game, he’s going for the Danny Trejo look. There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but Bobe, buddy… it’s a little bold. You look like a roadie for Santana got hooked on HGH.

Eh, who am I to tell you how to live, Abobo? At least you’re not gre….

Oh god damn it Abobo.

Thanks for tuning in again, folks. One more at the end of the month. Stay Retro!

Video gaming is nothing without its heroes or villains, but what about those “friends” the Big Evil Bad Guy has filling up warehouse districts and mushroom kingdoms all across the multiverse? Without goons and henchmen, the Ganons and Bowsers of the world wouldn’t stand a chance. Dudes like Dr. Wiley would be issuing ultimatums at sunset and getting their shit pushed in by dawn. Let’s give a little love to the ubiquitous “baddie.” We’re going to have a look at some of the more colorful guys, gals, monsters and robots who decided that under-the-table cash from a cartoon psychopath sounded better than the drive-thru or the Merchant Marine. This will likely be a multi-part series, but I’ll do five at a time. Get out your autograph books!

I was kidding, you fucking nerd. Put that shit away and pay attention.

—

Special thanks today to the people on various websites who rip every sprite out of every game, thus making this an easy image hunt. Also thanks to Jakub Steiner for showing me that you can, in fact, make animated gifs in GIMP, and that it’s not that hard. My dumb ass just never knew it was there. Mind like a steel trap. Anyway…

—

BLARGG/LAVA MONSTER

Super Mario World, 1990

Blargg’s responsibility of swimming through molten rock isn’t difficult in terms of complexity or stress level. He’s just the only one on the crew who’s able to survive doing it. You can tell on his face that he doesn’t give a fuck. His job’s secure. His job is easy (for him). And you know what? It’s fun. At least he can make it fun.

I’ve always appreciated the look on this character’s face. To this day, when playing through SMW, I can’t suppress a laugh when I see his ol’ razzle-dazzlin’ ass lurch upward from the lake of fire. Blargg, you make lava a not so bad place to hang out… unless you’re killing me, in which case, you can go fuck yourself.

FLEAMAN/HUNCHBACK

Castlevania series, 1986 – present

I have played the Castlevania games for more than twenty years now, and this little bastard’s weird jumping behavior still gives me apoplexy about half the time. I don’t think “hunchback” is a terribly nice thing to say about someone who can’t help being shaped like an unspeakably ugly Fibonacci swirl, so we’ll call him Fleaman (his name in later titles in the series). Fleaman is a professional, fully bonded and accredited asshole. He is a state-registered, card-carrying, world-class piece of shit. I think Fleaman bites you to hurt you, but since all most enemies in Castlevania have to do is touch you, he could just be doing that. Gently pressing the palm of his hand on your chest while you scream in agony.

The best part about his little animations is that he’s very clearly laughing at you. Simon Belmont, you may think you’re a bad motherfucker, but this freaky little dude slightly larger than a house cat will just start bouncing around when you show up, giggling at you like you just told a joke. Stow the Vampire Killer whip for these guys and just get a good 12-gauge shotgun and some buckshot.

In later installments of the series (SotN for example), Fleaman even gets some gear upgrades. Dracula issues him a pint-sized suit of plate armor and an axe twice that must weigh more than three of him. He makes it work, trust me. Fleaman will never look a gift horse in the mouth. If you’re giving him something to murder with, his arms are wide open.

Fuck these guys, but they’re also a fantastic poster-child for the concept that Castlevania monsters take their employment with Dracula very seriously. Who the fuck wouldn’t? If your boss was a legendary ancient vampire with unspeakable magical powers, the combination of leadership morale and piss-dribble terror would be pretty motivating.

THIS STUPID WITCH OR LEPER OR LIZARD PERSON OR WHATEVER

Ninja Gaiden (NES version), 1988

Projectile attacks from enemies in video games are capable of devastating fuckery, especially when one is trying to jump, dispatch more immediate threats, and generally not die. The Hammer Brothers are well-known pros, but whatever this thing from Ninja Gaiden is supposed to be, it’s got them handily outclassed in two ways:

• Placement/Position

• Adding insult to injury by knocking me backward mid-jump with what looks like a wooden toy sword so that I fall off-screen

My mind sees this thing and immediately assumes it’s female, not even because of the pink robe or because the green skin screams “Halloween witch.” I can’t find the names of any Ninja Gaiden NES enemies besides the bosses. Here’s my head-canon/theory for a 32-year-old NES game:

—

Sewer Bitch was born with the green skin of a mythological hag, but sadly she had no talent for black magic, nor for the morally ambiguous soup recipes. She couldn’t even use a cauldron without burning her knees while she stirred it. Seething with dysphoric wanderlust, Sewer Bitch left the bright lights and chrome lining of hag society, taking up residence in a sewer (hence the name). To further divorce herself from her peers, she discarded the designer leopard-skin-print leotard worn by all modern hags. A soiled old white bedsheet, tinged pink from probably having been washed with someone’s color load, would serve her purposes much better.

To arm herself against the omnipresent rats, the outcast spent years of her idle hours gathering property stakes and packing twine in order to fashion some weapons. Not being terribly bright, and having seen someone play Legend of Zelda once on a rainy night through their bedroom window, Sewer Bitch handmade hundreds of crude, ungainly wooden “swords.” At first, opponents and onlookers would mock. Oh, how they would mock… but Sewer Bitch knew something they didn’t and couldn’t know. She’d alley-oop that chunk of wood upward as if granny-shooting a basketball, and the dumb bastards would inevitably walk right into it.

Eventually, the strange talents of the filthy monster-woman came to the attention of Jacquio, who hired her on the spot.

“Just stay here on this one impossibly tall pillar,” the demonic sorcerer told her. “Move back and forth a little bit, sure, but there’s not much point. Just keep dropping your shitty wooden knives into the space between this one and the one to your left. Ryu Hyabusa won’t even know what to do. He’ll just turn around and go home.”

—

SMILING TRAMPOLINE (I KNOW IT’S NOT AN ENEMY, IT HELPS YOU, SHUT UP, I’M STILL PICKING IT)

Felix the Cat (NES), 1992

I really can’t help but admire, even envy this fella. He’s a little springboard Felix can jump on to get some extra height, usually so Felix can find giant bags in the sky and crawl into them. Trampy (his name for the purpose of this article) doesn’t worry too much about that. He doesn’t need to know what the cat does inside the giant floating bag. He’s happy right where he is. Joyous, even.

This sentient, sapient being’s sole function in life is to literally wait for Felix (or God forbid, someone else) to jump on him. The poor bastard exists to be stepped on. There’s no better way to phrase it.

And he’s fucking smiling.

Trampy, I hope you’re still doing well, wherever you are. I hope you’re still smiling out there, giving cheerfully of yourself without any expectations of compensation, living a life of friendly altruism in some pleasant 8-bit meadow. You always helped me when I needed you, and when Felix needed more tiny round pictures of himself so that he could finally transform his weird little car into an even weirder tank. I ain’t even tryin’ to talk shit on you, my man. Stay golden. I just wanted everyone to see you shine. You’re beautiful.

BUBBLE (YES, IT’S CALLED BUBBLE, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE)

Legend of Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, 1987

Zelda II is a fucking abusive game. If Zelda II were a human father, he’d never wear a belt, because it’d never leave his raw-knuckled fist. Zelda II is swinging the buckle end because it’s had too much to drink again. The two types of Bubble behavior exemplify the game’s needless cruelty perfectly. Normally, Bubbles move in a fairly slow diagonal pattern in the Palace areas, bouncing from floor to ceiling. They can be a pain in the ass when the ceiling is low, but otherwise they’re manageable. Bubbles can even be killed for 50 XP, as opposed to their antecedents in the first game, who cannot.

So first of all, let’s clear this up right now: while you can kill them, choosing to do so is both time-consuming and risky. They drain life and magic, so they aren’t really to be fucked with unless your Zelda II skills are tight as a drum or you have some ready means of recovery handy that being drained of magic won’t fuck up for you. You have to get pretty close to them even with Link’s fully-charged sword, and every split fucking second a Bubble isn’t being hit, it’s moving… toward you.

That brings me to my second observation… some of the little floating skully bois move with an alacrity that would make a hummingbird pack up its shit, forfeit, and go home to cry. They travel in the same 45° bumper-path, just much faster. That’s really all the Bubble requires in order to be to be scary in Zelda II. Catching one of these in a low-ceiling walkway is more stressful than being audited by the IRS while your house is on fire and you’re trapped inside it. Best of luck. When multiple slow and fast Bubbles occupy an area, you’re in for a real Kentucky-fried shitfest. Just spread ’em and think of Hyrule, Link.

Thank you for tuning in once again, boils and ghouls.

And if you ever wonder what kind of shit I get up to when I’m not here, you know where to find me.

(there’s a hyperlink in the text, please don’t come to my house you animals)

Stay Retro!